The Rose Coloured Glasses Experiment

[Marcelle]

Disclaimer: Hi all. In the past I have run various observation exercises in an effort to better understand how I am perceived to the vanilla world when out as Isha. Subsequently I have reported my findings here for general information and for the most part they have been very positive. However, a month ago a ran another field study which tested the impressions of others after I had left a venue. This experiment did not go as well as expected and as such I have been reticent to discuss it in fear that it may cause angst for those of you who are thinking about going out for the first time. The disclaimer is this . . . What I am about to report is a situation specific to me, this may or may not be the same for others. The people described are probably those who do not know any TG persons and the loving souls that beat beneath the TG exterior. I am going to report this as it happened and for some who have yet to venture out it may be a bit disconcerting.

The Experiment

From previous trips out and about I was always left with the impression if you blend, for the most part people don't notice or don't seem to care. Which in and of itself may imply acceptance or at a minimum tolerance. My GG friend is a little more objective and questioned if I was perhaps seeing things through rose coloured glasses and that what is said after I leave is not the same as what I perceive . . . Ah ha . . . an experiment is born (I just can't take the geeky scientist out the girl no matter how hard I try )

We went to a busy mall. The intent was I was going to go from shop to shop, browse, interact and my GG friend was going to follow me at a distance which would not suggest we were together. We used this ruse for 10 different shops. In each I browsed, asked SAs questions, sometimes tried on clothes. I kept a running appraisal of my experience and my GG friend kept her appraisal using information gathered by observation while I was in the shop and after I left the shop. We never discussed until we were done at the 10 different shops at which point we met at Starbucks to compare impressions.

My impression was for the most part nobody really paid me much attention, I am sure I was noticed as I caught a few patrons stealing one or two WTF glances at me. My interaction with SAs all good and they we were very helpful and nice. All in all it is what I normally experience in my day to day interactions.

My friend's impression greatly differed. She indicated that while most patrons took no notice of me those who did were definitely having a bit of fun at my expense (giggles, snickers, hushed whispers, nudges to one another). In one instance, my GG friend was close to two women whom I remembered encountering in one store, I smiled at them and they smiled warmly back (my impression, they understand). After I left, my friend was still close to those same two women and this is what they said . . . "I never thought I would see one those people and his smile . . . creepy" (Ha . . . I always knew my smile looked a bit creepy ). In other stores it was much the same the mocking normally occurred after I turned my back or left the store.

Now don't get me wrong it was not "Friday night at the Comedy Club" at Isha's expense. The mocking was limited to a few individuals whereas most said nothing. Now the jocularity at my expense was not limited to age or gender as it was a mixed bag with guys (with their GFs) being the most prevalent with the young having just as many laughs as the older patrons. As far as SA interaction, my friend waited until I left then listened to the SAs I had interacted with . . . it was much the same as the patrons where some had a good giggle at my expense (including some of the SAs who had been sweet to my face), others were more in "whatever . . . it doesn't affect me" camp. One SA who interacted with me when her friends came up and said "Is that your first Tranny you've helped" she looked puzzled and said "that was a guy . . . I didn't notice". I doubt she really thought I was a woman, I think that was just her way to shut them up, but good on her regardless.

The worst was a SA at Victoria Secrets. Now I get it on a fundamental level, a guy in women's clothing purchasing intimates for himself can sound kind of creepy but I never would have expected the following to transpire in a service establishment. I was looking to buy a push-up bra and was looking for a 36A in a specific style and colour so I asked this SA. She looked a bit put off and I guessed at that point she didn't really agree with my chosen lifestyle but like I said - I get it. She sighed and went to the drawers and quickly looked through found a 36A handed it to me and said "here" to which she added "not that you need it". I then asked her what she meant by that and she just smiled and said sweet as pie "Nothing . . . Sir". Hmmm . . . walk away Isha . . . so I did. My friend stayed behind and this is what she said to the other SAs and anyone who was standing around (close approximation based on third party reporting) "Can you believe the nerve of that pervert, coming in here pawing over women's underwear like it is his right. He's probably gets off on that and I am sure the creep was undressing me with his eyes. People like that should taken somewhere and locked away for life. He's probably a pedophile as well, dressing up like a woman to lure kids to his car. If he ever comes back in here I am going to give him a good piece of my mind then I'll call my boyfriend and he'll take care of that pervert."

The rhetoric according to my friend was venomous and full of hate, not just the ramblings of an upset person . . . she loathed me. Now in defense of the store, one of the SAs obviously the manager also heard this rant, told everyone to get back to work and informed the girl that while she is welcome to her opinion a customer is a customer and will be treated with courtesy not the manner in which she had served me. In addition the store was not a venue to vent her hate filled ideas. The manager gave her a choice, she could apologize to the all the patrons in the store for her rant after which the manager was going to try and find me in the mall and if she did she would bring me back and the girl would have to apologize for her rude treatment . . . OR . . . she would no longer be an employee in the store. The girl left.

You may wonder why I did such an experiment part of it was the "geeky nerdy science girl in me" but the other part was the "military gal" in me. In my world this would be intelligence gathering followed by the "after action report (AAR). This helps us to understand every aspect of field of battle we enter. Some is good and some . . . not so good. However, it better arms me for my trips out. I don't want to be walking around thinking everything is all sunshine, unicorns and lollypops. I have learned for the most part people truly don't care and if they do, they have the common courtesy to keep their opinions to themselves. They may mock me after I pass them or share a quick laugh at my expense but then again that is their right (albeit not very nice) and I choose to accept that and ignore it . . . "if a tree falls in the forest . . . blah, blah, blah . . . or more context driven . . . "if a person laughs at a CDer and the CDer ignores them. . . Did it really happen?" However, the biggest lesson of this experiment was that there are people who truly hate us for whatever misguided reason . This is the key piece of intelligence I take seriously, and ensure I never let my guard down when out and about as I never truly know how people are going to react. I don't walk around paranoid just with a healthy sense of caution.

To clarify, I don't think it is a wicked world with roving mobs of people running around looking for CDers to beat up. With the exception of a few minor scenarios when out and about I have had good interactions. I have never felt physically threatened or in fear of my life. However there is some hate out there and I find it tends to get watered down in our "easy peasy lemon squeezy trips out and about threads" . . . yes guilty as charged on that account. The SA at Victoria Secrets is an excellent example of someone who most likely does not know any TG people and her opinions are based on conjecture and falsehoods. It is likely if she found out someone close to her was TG and she knew that person well, her opinions might skew differently. People who know us (friends, family) and love/respect the person below would not react this way. However, not everyone knows us to that level and what you don't know you tend to fear, especially if it goes against the grain or normality (in their opinion).

Sorry for the extremely long post but I just wanted to shed light on the fact that if you are going to go out, you must be prepared for both sides of the experience. Forearmed is forewarned and you do need a thick skin especially if you notice others laughing at your expense.

Hugs

Isha

[Miriam-J]

Thank you Isha for doing a nice, objective study. I've often wondered the same, but haven't worked with a friend to determine the real reactions. You have me wondering now.

While it would be wonderful if everyone had a laissez faire attitude toward us, I'm not surprised that you encountered judgment. Perhaps the best we can expect at this time is benign reaction.

Miriam

[Jenniferathome]

Well Isha, one good thing out of it is that a bigot was effectively terminated. Too bad the manager didn't jump in during the act. I think it is normal human condition to laugh off something that makes us generally uncomfortable. It's like holding one's breath. There is a time limit and people need to vent the stress. I think a related thing is that women are trained from the time they are little to be wary of men. Not "be afraid" but be careful. So, a woman is on edge when a "strange man" is encountered. Self protection is foremost, so I can't help but think the natural tendency is suspicion. And lastly, of course age and upbringing are huge factors.

What would be interesting to know is what conversations took place once they got home. I would bet that the novelty, having worn off, might reduce their memories to "weird but he didn't jump me or anything and he wasn't dressed like a freak."

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Jennifer, I think that's right - we do fear men who seem a little 'off kilter'. Most women have no idea what crossdressing is about and I know as a young woman I just assumed they must be delusional or a sexual deviant. Delusional sexual deviants are not men we feel safe around! Mothers with children will probably be equally fearful though possibly have had some exposure by this point? Who knows..until my H, I really didn't know of any of this. Why do other men feel threatened? I guess they think the same things as the women (you're delusional and therefore dangerous) and worry you'll harm them or their girlfriend?

Seems silly now to me. In reality, a man dressing as a woman is most often tapping into his gentler side and is less of a threat than the average guy. But it still confounds most people and you're all very brave for going out like you do.

[Julie Denier]

You definitely have nerves of steel to go out on a limb like this for all of us here, and I salute you! You should be appointed research director of this forum

[Leslie Langford]

O.K., Isha - here's my spin on this....I'm old enough, self-confident enough, retired (read: no more bosses except She Who Will Be Obeyed ), and have an independent income stream (i.e. pensions and retirement savings). In other words, I am beholden to no one and frankly, I don't give a rat's @ss what someone may think of me - especially "haters" and bullies. On the contrary, I delight in either staring them down or calling them out on their own B.S. - much as that store manager did to her ignorant employee.

In fact, my unspoken personal mantra over the last several years has been: unless someone is prepared to either offer me a job, include me in their will, pay my bills, share their lottery winnings with me, or else perform a life-saving or kinky sex act (LOL!) on me, I really don't care what they think of me as it has no impact whatsoever on the quality of my life. And that includes the nosy neighbours whom my wife is so fearful will one day spot "Leslie" and have a field day with the epiphany of having connected those dots.

Haters are going to hate, jerks are going to continue to be jerks, and there is no cure for stupidity. Furthermore, life is too short for any of us to give them the type of power over us that will negatively affect the quality of our lives.

Besides, what makes you think that we CDers occupy a special place in their Pantheon of alleged "weird" for the way we dress? You don't think that these types of a-holes have the same disparaging comments to make about Muslims wearing hijabs and chadors, Hindu women wearing saris, Pakistani women wearing salwar kameezes, Hassisic Jews in their black hats, long beards, and prayer shawls, and probably even Scotsmen in their kilts if they happened to run into one?

Interesting experiment, Isha, and thank you to you and your GG friend for having taken the trouble to conduct it and reporting back to us. But like all those studies telling us that cheeseburgers are not good for us and that smoking causes cancer - there is nothing here that we didn't already know. More to the point, it has become a matter of conventional wisdom here that few, if any of us actually "pass" and the best we can hope for is to blend in. Once we accept that fact and no longer dwell along the shores of "de Nile", life becomes infinitely better and stress-free.

I have aimed for the latter over the last several years, and it has worked out very well for me. I have received my share of compliments from GG's on my presentation, and never really bothered to agonize over whether or not that meant "as a woman" or "as a crossdresser". The mere fact that a compliment was made in the first place was proof enough that the person uttering it was sincere and clearly appreciated the efforts I had made in perfecting my female presentation.

And believe me, one such validation and positive experience outweighs a negative comment - heard or uttered surreptitiously behind my back - by a factor of 1,000 to 1, especially considering the source...

[kimdl93]

There's an expression that I think is entirely appropriate: Other people's opinion of me is none of my business,

[sanderlay]

Isha,

To be honest... I'm not surprised. And this does not affect my going out. I will not let these "persons" gain a victory by my being afraid. I note it... and I will be careful as I usually am when I'm out and about.

There are always those persons that will say negative things about other people behind their backs to make themselves feel better. And yes... I believe it is mostly out of fear. Which also leads me to believe they will rarely act on them. All talk but with little courage to act on their words.

But when I'm feeling a negative vibe in a store, or any place for that mater, I just leave. I'm not there to change the world. And by my not buying something I was interested in effects their bottom line.

Thank you Isha for posting this. It's better to know the truth than be unaware of the possible dangers around us. And the more people know about us and interact with us they will learn we are no threat to them.

[Jenelle]

Isha you continue to post some of the most amazing threads I read here and this is no different. You experiment while not eye opening to me is none the less amazing.

I am not surprised by the SA at VS at all. I grew up in the South and I remember all the racism that existed even though people told me it was no longer an issue. There will always be people that hate and you can never really point a finger and say that is why.

Will this change my desire to dress and some day go out in public? No. I have no delusions about what is out in the world so I know what i am possibly getting into.

[ronny0]

I really enjoyed your post. But about 90% through the post I started to wonder.
Out in public, how many people will say comments that they might not 100% agree with just so others in ear shot will chime in to support them.
Expanding your test further, it might be that any one that is a little or a lot out of what is considered the norm might have comments said after they are out of hearing range. Take this to an extream, height, width, lack of height, language skills walk etc etc etc.... Yea I know some out of normal people comments would be considered really poor social statements. Yet we have plenty of crude people in our society.
Some people will find fault with anyone not like them, some people will try to be loving and helpful to all.
So sad that the world is not full of people wearing "Rose Colored Glasses" always wanting to see the good in others....

[Sheila11]

Thanks Isha. I have assumed all the reactions that you have described. I choose to just move forward and interact on a positive level with those who choose to interact with me. I will always be a lover and not a hater, smile and move forward.

[Nikki A.]

Isha very nice experiment. My friend did something similar with me on our last trip to NYC, she kinda hung back at points to see other's reactions on the street. Most people were too busy to notice others did do a double take, in the stores however I was treated OK with her.
However we can't always worry what is said behind our backs nor is disapproval a reason not to go out. Only by us going out and showing that we are decent law abiding and nice people will we ever get some changes in public opinion and that we all don't belong on Jerry Springer.
If my going out changes a few people's opinions of CDs then I have accomplished something. There will always be haters and others who will never get it, but if all of us get a few people to look at us differently then eventually we may get the acceptance that we seek.

[bridget thronton]

Excellent (and sobering) post

[Donnagirl]

Wish I had your confidence, and looks, and dress sense, and courage, and..., and....,

Maybe one day.... (Or maybe not)

[Kate Simmons]

This is one reason I don't hob knob with the world at large and I don't have any illusions that I blend or pass. I mostly associate with folks who are okay with what I do. Anything else I consider a waste of time and energy.

[Zylia]

Excellent post Isha and a very interesting experiment. While the results are highly anecdotal, it seems to me that those people's reactions are in fact very typical. Ultimately, everyone suffers from the 'five-second rule', i.e. every cross-dresser gets read 100% within a few seconds of observation, and cross-dressers obviously have many image problems. I'd love to try to do the same thing, I might have to ask one of my 'lady friends' to do the observing. Anyway, I admire your courage and your eagerness to learn more about yourself and us. Keep 'em coming!

[Marcelle]

Hi everyone,

Thanks very much for the comments. I am so glad nobody took this little recounting the wrong way. My intent was to educate those who are planning to go out that there is potential for hurt out there. However it should not dissuade you from going out if that is what you really need to do. Just be aware. For those who have been out and know the lay of the land, thank-you for sharing your thoughts.

O.K., Isha . . . And believe me, one such validation and positive experience outweighs a negative comment - heard or uttered surreptitiously behind my back - by a factor of 1,000 to 1, especially considering the source...

Hi Leslie. Exactly. I have had far more positive outings than negative. Is stuff getting said behind my back? Most likely. But I really don't care. That one legitimate kindness from a person far outweighs the odd snicker or rude comment.

. . . Some people will find fault with anyone not like them, some people will try to be loving and helpful to all.

This is very true. I have hear people make fun of those who are different in anyway. I think for some it probably goes to their own insecurity about themselves. If I make fun of someone else, the pack won't pick on me.

... However we can't always worry what is said behind our backs nor is disapproval a reason not to go out ... but if all of us get a few people to look at us differently then eventually we may get the acceptance that we seek.

Hi Nikki. Very true. If you plan to go out, you have to have thick skin because it can get ugly sometimes. However if you weather the rude comments, snicker, giggles with style and grace and not with a Spartacus smack-down, then people remember that.

Hugs all

Isha

[MissTee]

Great post, Isha. Unfortunately, it's not really news. I have witnessed many times what your GG friend did. I have seen it in the workplace as well. Sad, but true.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Great thread... One of the best that I have read on this forum . Many thanks to you & your gg friend . Peace, mel

[natcrys]

Isha, my thanks for this thorough (as thorough as these kind of experiments can be) piece of investigative work! An interesting read... but also nothing really new. Depending on where you live.. the reactions may like above... but there are countries and regions where most people are relatively accepting or just don't care (e.g. the Netherlands or Sweden).

Under closer scrutiny, most of us crossdressers get read. I'm not kidding myself.. I look passable from certain angles, but not from all. I always assume people see "it" .. and that's why I am always a bit on guard.. not as much I used to be when out shopping, but still.. always aware.

The one thing that did surprise me was the VS-SA and her reaction. What I've heard from many CD's and non-CD-men is that VS-stores are actually very professional. How old was that SA?

[Katey888]

Isha - it's quite laudable that you and your GGF have taken the trouble to do this... I can't help but think that you had a bit of fun doing it too, and why not combine some shopping with some science, eh?

Like others, I'm afraid the end result is not surprising and really confirms what I've experienced of people across many cultures and social backgrounds.. simply, that while a majority probably don't care and few have enough initiative to interact on their own, with either a positive or negative perspective, what can get folk started are the bigots and rabble rousers that somehow find any minorities offensive and then the sheeple herd instinct takes over. The idea that we're weirdos, sexual perverts and (the ultimate sanction) paedophiles is an easy one for common folk to grasp, sadly and not much different to other brands of fascism and racism whoever or whatever the minority is. Sadly, targeting minorities has probably been a favoured human pastime for millennia and isn't likely to change completely - it's the competitive over cooperative instinct...

I think a word of caution is also due from a cultural perspective too.. I know our members here are predominantly North American but I'd expect there would quite a range of reactions even across different metropolitan areas in just the USA - I suppose I'd expect Canada to be perhaps a shade more liberal on the whole, some specific areas like SF and others that have a history of acceptance and/or an active LGBT community that would promote more acceptance... The UK again would likely be different too - I'm unsure of what sort of reaction beyond amusement you'd get in a lot of provincial towns and cities here and there are few metropolitan centres larger enough to support a specific LGBT neighbourhood.. It's a thought-provoking exercise...

What striking thought I'm left with at the end of it is the reaction of the SA in VS - not that she said what she said, but that she would rather leave than retract it... That's a severe level of bigotry and a little scary in a way...

Katey x

[Jenny Elwood]

What if the Victoria's Secret shop assistant's boyfriend is a closeted crossdresser and she came home steaming to him?

[Marcelle]

Jenny . . . now that is quite the visual especially if he was wearing some VS lingerie and heels

Hugs

Isha

[Michelle (Oz)]

Interesting confirmation of what happens in our wake Isha. Not surprising to me given how I suspect I would react and the looks I sometimes get although the VS SA was an extreme that I have been fortunate not to suffer.

I have long come to accept that I don't pass and I don't really try to blend ... in the sense that the style of clothes I wear are not what a 60+ year old wears. I speak with a male voice (albeit trying to soften it). But this is an honest and empowering approach to life as a crossdresser. I feel great, I receive compliments, I make friends (more than male me). While I prefer not to be the butt of jokes ... the fear of comments behind my back won't diminish the 'everything is right with the world' high I feel when dressed.

Your observations do make me wonder whether I am fortunate to live in a more accepting Australia and whether folk are more tolerant than elsewhere.

[sometimes_miss]

Disclaimer: [I] The mocking was limited to a few individuals whereas most said nothing.

One of the most important things I learned about customer service, is that for every registered complaint, there are ten more who won't say anything but feel the same way, they simply won't be your customer again. In this, there exists the same situation; most will say nothing, but don't for a moment believe that they aren't thinking the same things as others mention out loud. So, Isha, just multiply x10 the number of people who don't particularly like what you represent when you go out as a gal. And yes, this IS a wicked world where THERE ARE groups of people who would love to kill you to get you out of our societies. Most of them don't do it, but would be just fine with it if someone else did.
Places like this forum, as well as the overwhelming desire to be liked, can predispose us (yeah, those rose colored glasses again) to believe what we want so desperately to believe. And that can be a very, very dangerous thing, and you won't know it until you wind up having your head slammed into the pavement, because you simply don't want to believe the world has people in it that just plain don't like you. People in general do not like us. The media sees us as clowns, witness the many talk shows where they invite TG people on just to gawk and find funny things about us, while the positive documentaries can be counted on one hand. They think we're sexual deviants, perverts, dangers to their children. The media also supports this concept, and does not retract their erroneous logic in broadcasts such as when it is stated that "People who were abused as children are likely to abuse children themselves", when what is correct is that child abusers were likely to have been abused themselves; but for headlines, the media distorts it and turns it around and no one bats an eye, because they don't want to know either child abusers or adults who were abused when we were kids, as they see us as damaged. So now you have your proof; the general public does not like us, nor accept us. They tolerate us (especially if they want our money). That's about it.

from Leslie: I really don't care what they think of me as it has no impact whatsoever on the quality of my life.

Again, you won't know it until it's too late. There are lots of things that go on behind your back that you'll never know about, might be the availability of a table in a restaurant which has a 'reserved' tag on it that they will remove for people they like, but NOT US. Or maybe someone who really dislikes us so when their foot slips off the brake and see's you in their car's path might subconsciously not stop in time, because deep down inside they're thinking, oh well, why hurry to stop, just scratch another pervert. It will probably not be anything obvious. But things do happen just because people don't like us.
Please, everyone, be careful. The world is NOT a friendly place for us.