A question for the long timers

[MsVal]

I have a question for the long timers out there. (Not necessarily, but not excluding old timers).

First, a little history.

About six months ago some pieces of my jigsaw puzzle psyche formed an image recognizable as "I am a crossdresser." That was quite a revelation.

I began to read everything I could find on the subject, and that lead me to this fine forum and you wonderful people. I was at once excited and scared. Excited that I now have a name and definition for what I had been feeling, and scared by stories of where it may lead. I really did not know whether to cheer or cry, but my disclosure to my wife soon after put an end to any cheering.

I quickly became engulfed with a Pink Fog so dense that I figuratively surrendered my life to the fog and became distanced from reality. The activities I had enjoyed, as well as my normal chores became secondary to the fog's siren call.

This continued for many weeks, growing more intense as time went by. Then, about four weeks ago I noticed that I was regaining some limited interest in my volunteer activities and paying more attention to my chores.

In the following weeks I have been able to distance myself somewhat more from the crossdressing, and am now to the point where it "merely" consumes too much of my time and attention. I now dress for a couple hours at a time, two or three times per week, and spend at least a few hours each day thinking of CD and following this forum.

Thanks for staying with me so far. Now comes the question.

Is this a common progression?
Is this more likely to be a temporary remission than a passing fancy?
Am I asking the wrong questions?

Best wishes
MsVal

[Jenelle]

I can only relate my experiences which won't answer if it is common progression but I believe my reply touches on all your questions.

When (for whatever reasons) I have not been able to dress it does build to a pressure point where I have to dress. Once that happens it is very intense in how often I dress but over time it calms down. Dressing is ALWAYS on my mind but how much and how intrusive to other activities just depends. There is no real reason behind it. I have noticed that getting a new outfit, piece of clothing or makeup does put me into over drive, I just cant wait to try it.

Right now, I am in a pretty intense CD phase. It has to deal with my GF being so open/supportive/accepting and also I have not dressed much (hardly at all) in the past few years. Because of this lull I am really working on build my wardrobe and my presentation so I always have new things to try.

Sometimes the wrong questions lead you to the right ones so I would not worry too much about that.

[Nikki A.]

there are no wrong questions, just bad answers.
There is an ebb and flow in all of this. There are times when you just need to put the CDing on the back burner a bit to take care of life.
Once your bit with the bug it is always apart of you. How deep you head down the rabbit hole is up to you and depends on your circumstances. When my kids were both away at school, I did alot more dressing, now that my son is back home I've had to cut back a bit but I still figure out how to get a little Nikki time in and I'm OK with that.

[Sallee]

I find that to be very true for me too. I have gone 3 or 4 days enfemme with no problems and have enjoyed it like crazy but it seems that after a few days I grow tried and bored with it.By that time I have been in every mall in town, seen some movies, been to the local CD bar and maybe another accepting club and spent a bunch at malls and it all was fun but the fog is beginning to lift and the thrill is gone till the next time Be curious what others have to say

[Allisa]

Your story sounds all too familiar to me, minus the wife. The fog can be very alluring and captivating. But it will ebb and flow leaving only questions behind. There are no wrong questions when seeking lifes answers. Happy hunting, I'm sure others will make better points than I, enjoy the ride.

Bye-Bye Lisa

[kimdl93]

I wonder if what we characterize as pink fog should be called something more meaningful. It seems what you describe is close to a clinical definition of obsessive compulsive behavior.

[sara lahna]

i'm kind of going through this right now. I came out to my SO about a month ago and she is very supportive to the point she help buy my cloths and such. My kids are young so they dont know yet, make it so i cant dress all the time and i'm tankful for that cause i probably would. With me it's I can dress so i'm going to dress.

I think it's this way because i was hiding it for so long and now i dont have to (to a point).

[Trinity Sue]

It has been 18 years since I dressed ,my daughter was born, now she had graduated and is working and has a life of her own . It has given me the time to bring Trinity out. Omg! it is not going fast enough . I am older now, things have changed . I have no idea where to start. I found this forum hoping to stop the out of control spiral .
So yes I believe it goes in phases and you can let it slow down . Even stop for awhile , take a breathe, things will come together. There are no bad answers or questions just being smart enough to ask is the most important thing .


Trinity Sue

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Val, I guess that I'm a Long timer / Old timer I've been dressing for about 67yrs.
I dress about 3hrs. in the Morning and a couple hrs. at night most days and the rest of the day & night
is reserved for guy time.

[sanderlay]

For myself... this desire has never gone away. Many years ago... I was able to suppress it for months at a time. But it's at the cost of not feeling right and some mild depression, anger issues, etc... (amazing what a skirt will do )

That fog has long since lifted. Acceptance and understanding have replaced the confusion I felt for so long. My clothing collection has grown enough for my current daily needs and I've developed my own unique style for my mixed presentation.

But the jig saw puzzle still seems incomplete. I still consume more time than I would like in my research and reading about other peoples lives. Going full time for me did help a great deal because I hated having that secret hang over me like a millstone. I do feel much more balanced and that has made it worth it in my mind. But it is not the end of this path I walk. I feel like I can help other persons from telling what I have experienced. There is still so much I still don't know on the subject and some of the information is dated and biased by the authors to some degree. But new information is coming out as well and I'm more encouraged I might understand the why some day.

But I also feel I just need to get out and enjoy the life I have now. I shouldn't be consumed with questions I may never answer. I have other interests that pull at me and I need to find that balance as well.

[Kate Simmons]

The more you get in touch with your feelings, accept them and take ownership of them the more it doesn't make a difference whether you dress or not because the dressing is essentially a part of who you are.Having the male and female energies in balance makes a big difference in a person.

[Nadine Spirit]

I agree with Kate.

As well with living a more balanced life, I don't appear to experience any kind of fog issues, of any color. I don't dress fully all the time, but much of my everyday existence is a mix of male and female clothes & items. I only dress fuly maybe 2-4 times per month, but the rest of the time is spent quite mixed.

[MsVal]

You are all wonderful. Thank you so much for your first hand insights.

I have had several hobbies and other interests through the years. They often begin with a great deal of excitement and exploration, followed by enthusiasm and execution, leading eventually to boredom and obligation, and finally abandonment. The typical period for that cycle is on the order of four years. In the rare case that I resume an abandoned interest, I seldom regain the same enthusiasm.

I have only recently embraced this crossdressing thing and wonder if it will follow a similar multi year arc, leading eventually to becoming trite, boring, and "something I used to do". It may be premature to wonder, and it may be meaningless to answer: should I mentally prepare for a much longer run? The responses I've received thus far and the anecdotal evidence I've read lead me to believe that I should. That's scary.

Best wishes
MsVal

[sara lahna]

i would say injoy it in the here and now. and if down the road you do "bore" then deal with that when it happens

[Beverley Sims]

Val,
I think it's a common progression.

Find another interest like a new girlfriend and it all goes away for a while and then returns with a vengeance.

I am not a long timer so I will probably get into trouble for replying.

Had a couple of near misses lately replying to posts.

[Katey888]

Is this a common progression..? Probably - sometimes... But not for me...

Is it likely to be temporary? I doubt it... having a real hobby like.. photography .. golf... sailing... woodturning... for me, they tend to follow similar patterns when you come at them afresh, and it goes like this: research - buying kit - using kit - am I proficient/ do I like it? (Decision point) - sell kit on ebay/ take lessons.... STOP THERE...

The decision point for this I think is invalid... who, in their right mind, would pursue CDing as a hobby? Why? We do it because something much deeper drives us to try it, and whether we like it, or not; are proficient; or not! - remains irrelevant to that core drive... I don't doubt some stop permanently... but it's not a majority... imho..

Are you asking the wrong questions? I dunno... ask some more and we'll see if they're any better than these..

Closing comment: Those who have managed to reach some balance in their life with this passion, seem to be happier than they were without it...

Everything, but in moderation...

Katey x

[susan54]

I have been dressing up for over 40 years. The main reason for not dressing has usually been a partner who didn't like it. Now single, I spend almost all my non-work time in all the clothes and jewellery but never make-up or a wig. I just like the clothes and the accessories. OK, the bra and breast forms are feminine but otherwise I am just me going about my life. I do not ever think of myself as a woman but I like to look nice. I used to go out shopping or to the beauty salon (or a concert or to a hotel) fully dressed = I am reasonably good at acting like a woman - but it is just acting. Currently I have concluded I have enough clothes and am not longing for anything new or a new shopping experience. I haven't bought any clothes for nearly two months |(probably a record for me) and have not been to the beautician in many months. I know this will not last and I will want to go out fully dressed and get some new stuff and I am completely happy with this. Managing the clothes takes up a bit of time, but the time-consuming bit is going out fully dressed. At home it takes only a few minutes to get dressed (and you have to put some clothes anyway) and then you can do all the others stuff you want to do - a lot of my interests can be pursued at home.

As for figuring it all out - I can't and I no longer try. I am probably in a small minority on here as I don't ever think of myself as female and I don't get turned on - I just love the clothes - possibly in the same way a woman who loves clothes feels about her outfits. I have completed all my challenges relating to womenswear and loom for new challenges in the rest of my life. It is good not to let it take over completely. I have a rule that it should not get in the way of my time with friends but inevitably it means I spend a lot less time than others out socialising. No regrets.

[Tina_gm]

Another newbie here and in a similar situation as you. Not exactly the same, but similar. In Dec of 2012 I let out my fem self. Basically by telling my wife I had such a self. My marriage suffered a very bumpy patch immediately after, as expected and most do. My wife questioned whether to continue to stay married to me. Now, during those initial weeks, I wasn't caught in a mighty fog per say, as I had a lot of back and forth emotions about whether I should even be letting my fem side out of putting her back in the closet. Many moments where I was still going through denial phases, or just fighting it.... and just my masculine side reasserting itself at times. (and still does)

What is similar is that I thought about it almost constantly. I still think about it a lot, as the layers of denial get peeled off one by one, I realize I am a person with a strong feminine side. And, that side will be with me as it is me to an extent all the time. Sometimes more than others, but always at least a little bit. I have found lately a somewhat less urgent feeling to dress. It feels comfortable and relaxing to do so... maybe some of the newness has now worn off, but there are more times now when I do have a chance to dress, maybe not for a long time but still a chance and I will pass on it. I am seem to reserve more of my dressing time to longer periods of time, although still occasionally going for the shorter duration's as well. What I used to do was to take ANY opportunity to dress, where as now I don't.

[dana digs sweaters]

Hi Val, 3+ decades of dressing on a weekly basis.
The ebbs and flows of life affect everything.
Just enjoy the highs and ride out the lows.

[MsVal]

i would say injoy it in the here and now. and if down the road you do "bore" then deal with that when it happens

There is a lot of wisdom in the advice to deal with your problems when they become problems. "He who crosses his bridges before he comes to them pays the toll twice." My problem right now is whether I should prepare for long term or short term.

Val,
I think it's a common progression.
Find another interest like a new girlfriend and it all goes away for a while and then returns with a vengeance.
I am not a long timer so I will probably get into trouble for replying.
Had a couple of near misses lately replying to posts.

You had me there Beverly when you said it was a common progression (and I thought "goody, it will wane and go away by itself") but then said it likely would return with greater urgency. <disappointed look>
WRT trouble: Not from me. I respect you much too much to even think that way.

Is this a common progression..? Probably - sometimes... But not for me...

Is it likely to be temporary? I doubt it... having a real hobby like.. photography .. golf... sailing... woodturning... for me, they tend to follow similar patterns when you come at them afresh, and it goes like this: research - buying kit - using kit - am I proficient/ do I like it? (Decision point) - sell kit on ebay/ take lessons.... STOP THERE...

Katey, you are an unqualified delight. You have to be the first person to reduce it to a flowchart <grin>

The decision point for this I think is invalid... who, in their right mind, would pursue CDing as a hobby? Why? We do it because something much deeper drives us to try it, and whether we like it, or not; are proficient; or not! - remains irrelevant to that core drive... I don't doubt some stop permanently... but it's not a majority... imho..

Crossdressing does share some characteristics in common with hobbies. They consume time, attention, money, and have an excitement/learning curve as one drives toward competency. You make a very valid point that people in their right mind would not choose this as a hobby, but there are plenty of people that are not. (Perhaps the nucleus of another thread some day)

Are you asking the wrong questions? I dunno... ask some more and we'll see if they're any better than these..

I have been dressing up for over 40 years. The main reason for not dressing has usually been a partner who didn't like it. Now single, I spend almost all my non-work time in all the clothes and jewellery but never make-up or a wig. I just like the clothes and the accessories. OK, the bra and breast forms are feminine but otherwise I am just me going about my life. I do not ever think of myself as a woman but I like to look nice.

While I certainly hope it is working out well for you Susan, I want to avoid becoming single. I do though identify strongly with your desire to go about your daily life while dressed in whatever clothes seem to be appropriate for the time and place. Forty years is quite long enough to know what you want and how to go about getting it. By the sound of your post, you have done just that, and done it quite well. <applause>

As for figuring it all out - I can't and I no longer try. I am probably in a small minority on here as I don't ever think of myself as female and I don't get turned on - I just love the clothes - possibly in the same way a woman who loves clothes feels about her outfits. [...] It is good not to let it take over completely. I have a rule that it should not get in the way of my time with friends but inevitably it means I spend a lot less time than others out socialising. No regrets.

Yep, I can identify with your attitude toward the clothing and lack of excitement. Perhaps "we" are in a minority, perhaps not.

Your advice about moderation will be my take-away from your post. The challenge will be following that advice if/when it gets foggy.

Another newbie here and in a similar situation as you. [...] by telling my wife I had such a self. My marriage suffered a very bumpy patch [...] during those initial weeks, I wasn't caught in a mighty fog [...] I had a lot of back and forth emotions [...] going through denial phases, or just fighting it [...] What is similar is that I thought about it almost constantly. I still think about it a lot, [...] And, that side will be with me as it is me to an extent all the time. [...] I have found lately a somewhat less urgent feeling to dress. It feels comfortable and relaxing to do so... maybe some of the newness has now worn off, but there are more times now when I do have a chance to dress [...] I will pass on it. [...]

What I used to do was to take ANY opportunity to dress, where as now I don't.

<many tough decisions on trimming your great post>

As a couple of newbies we have much to learn about crossdressing in general, our wives, and ourselves in particular. It's interesting that I was fogged in and you fought back. In the end, it appears we are approaching the same end result. We must stay in touch and compare notes.

Hi Val, 3+ decades of dressing on a weekly basis.
The ebbs and flows of life affect everything.
Just enjoy the highs and ride out the lows.

Thank you very much for the advice Dana, but I am not able to be comfortable with the unknowns. Perhaps that will change when I have greater experience and knowledge.

[all]
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your words of advice.

Best wishes
MsVal

[susan54]

A quick reply to MsVal - thanks for the applause!

Though the small amount of socialising I do could indeed have prevented me encountering that special one, this is the only possible connection between me cross-dressing and being single. I have had some very special relationships, and am still very close to two exes, and any new partner would have some very hard acts to follow. There is even the possibility of a new relationship but for reasons I cannot go into here, she has to be allowed to reach this conclusion herself - fortunately I can't imagine her being bothered by what I wear. In the meantime, I actually like being on my own, and will only give that up for someone very special indeed. Oh, and only one break up was even partly connected with cross-dressing - not with either of the two exes I am still close to. And I think that would have when it did ended anyway. But you are right - I like where my life is at present - I am very very lucky.

[AlannahNorth]

This particular 'pastime' is sometimes a dormant hobby and sometimes an obsession, for me. At low tide I may go for months without really wearing much of anything feminine, but when the tide is high, it can be hard to get my mind to focus on much of anything else.

Presently it is very difficult to get much private time, and that does make a big difference. When I do indulge occasionally, I relax and simply enjoy it. I no longer worry about much of anything concerning my cross dressing - I'm past that - I've accepted who and what I am.

I've always fluctuated in my level of interest in this, as in most things, and I believe it's normal

There's nothing really wrong with wondering anyways - I've learned that can sometimes get me to actually think. I hear it's good for me.

[Tracii G]

The more you get in touch with your feelings, accept them and take ownership of them the more it doesn't make a difference whether you dress or not because the dressing is essentially a part of who you are.Having the male and female energies in balance makes a big difference in a person.

Kate has the answer right there. Keep everything in balance and life is good.

[noeleena]

Hi,

I am going to liken this to another aspect of my life, how much time should i spend in my hobbies
Music,
im a member of 4 bands one is once a year two are every week 3rd is combined, Plus i spend a lot more time during the week to keep active and learning new music first love militry side drummer plus other drum's, wind is melodica and 3 accordions one cromatic and bugle,

Yes i know a lot to learn so i do quite a lot plus out with our bands in the public as my photo of one of our bands show,

yet i still have other interests you know about , i still have to keep a balance do house maintaince and inside house work washing and normal day to day detail and shoping and be with family,

oh and on here, oh yes my evenings spent writing and reading on our forums,
i could quite easy get carried away with my music ,

So theres the qulity time of balance no matter the hobby or life just dont let one detail you have over rule other aspects of your life .

I know that for some what ever the detail it can become an obsession to the point of all else fails and it can rule your life so much you think of nothing else, time to lay down your rule of thumb divide your time so you have a quility of life as well as having a balanced life as you live it,

...noeleena...

[Marcelle]

Hi MsVal,

I am not a long timer comparatively to others but what you describe resonates with me as I was there and am still there to some degree. Once I came out to my wife and she supported my dressing (complete) Isha was free to slip her bonds and explore. There was a gradual increase in dressing which has culminated in going out. However after the initial surge it was finding balance which brought me back. I spend about 20 percent of my time as Isha now (completely dressed) and in the world. Of the remaining 80 percent boy time, some of that is spent at home partially dressed (Isha au natural) which includes girl clothes, wig and no make-up during which I am just watching TV or relaxing in one of my hobbies.

You will find balance and when you do you will know because it is just the right amount of you (both boy and girl) to make life enjoyable.

Hugs

Isha