Hi Rogina, It's just who I am and it's just what I do, No I'm not ashamed.
Hi Rogina, It's just who I am and it's just what I do, No I'm not ashamed.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
I am in the closet but No I am not ashamed of myself. it is a personal side of me that doesn't need to be flaunted or advertised. I do feel the desire to push my self imposed boundry some. if confronted on the mater my reaction would not be shame. I may simply sidestep the question or say that the cards I was dealt and it is just something I have to deal with
While I can't really recall a time where I was 'ashamed' of my desires, I do remember being terrified of the prospect of being caught and outed. And I would be lying if I said that I wasn't at least concerned, by whatever reaction my parents would have if they ever found out. Even still to this day.
However, I have found that over the last decade, thanks to repeated dressing sessions, the 'taboo' factor has pretty much vanished. I am so comfortable with my dressing now that I almost feel like I don't care if people find out anymore...In fact, my choice to dress up for halloween last year was because I didn't care if people suspected anything. I went to the party, not with the intention of outing myself, but if anyone started asking incriminating questions, I was ready to answer them honestly. Nobody did though... I was actually mildly disappointed. Oh well... Maybe I'll dress up again for this year. THEN people might start asking questions.....
I no longer feel ashamed or embarrassed anylonger. It is part of who I am and I should not feel ashamed about who I am. I do have fear of what might happen if the people close to me found out. Anyone else does not really matter to me.
I used to be ashamed but I have learned to accept myself for who I am. That said I dont want certain people to find out(family, friends etc) this is not because I am ashamed but rather because I have a natural fear of being ostracized. That is to say I fear the ignorance of others.
I would have to say yes, there is some shame I feel still. I think it used to be a lot worse than it is now. I grew up with strong male role models in my life (father, uncle, cousin). None of them would ever understand CDing. My dad was a mans man. There was no effeminate behavior from him in any way, shape, or form. I'm sure the shame I still feel has held me back from venturing out or taking my dressing to the next step. If I were busted, I would be embarrassed. I think it would make me feel that I, somehow, betrayed my father. I don't know. Fear can be a big motivator to do (or not do) something.
How do you honestly feel about this part of you that draws you "to your dark side"? Are you ashamed? Embarrassed?
I suppose I was both ashamed and embarrassed at first. Ashamed, conflicted, wondering what was going on with me. All those things. Finding this place and reading about how others coped/are coping with it helped loads and loads. So the shame and embarrassment has faded to a large degree.
So how do I feel about this part of me that draws me towards my dark side?
I both love it and fear it at the same time. Love it for the way it makes me feel, and how it enhances my life in a number of ways. I am more understanding and tolerant with others who might be viewed as outsiders since coming to terms with my own 'otherness.' People close to me commented on how relaxed/at ease I seemed to be around the time I started regularly dressing in secret, this has continued to present. Before I was sort of high-strung from all that holding it in I suppose. So there's some of the reasons I love CDing/being a CD.
But I also have a healthy fear of my desires too. Fear that an outing could negatively impact my career or standing in my community. Fear that sharing could cost me friends and affect relationships with family members. Fear that folks would judge and not understand. Fear of ridicule or exclusion based on a desire I can't switch off or turn down. Fear that the desire seems to be getting stronger and leading me to take more chances and try new things. Fear that it could blow up in my face and cost me a lot. Granted a lot of these fears exist only in my imagination, but I can assure you these fears feel quite real to me.
So I approach CD'ing with caution, but without shame or guilt over it. We all have our secrets, this is mine and there are worse ones to have that provide their keepers zero joy and comfort. I guess I am just glad that my, 'deep dark' secret is the kind that I can get enjoyment from.
Last edited by Krista1985; 06-03-2014 at 05:40 PM. Reason: spacing
Hmmm .. I'm not ashamed, and then again I am. This is a such a difficult question, you know. I'm not ashamed that I like to dress as woman and pretend to be one. I'm ashamed that I need/have to keep it quiet. There are times when I think I could handle the public's opinion of men who crossdress, but then I think no, there's too much scorn put on us. Am I weak? Don't think so. I just want too be able to have the best life I can without causing my loved ones too much grief. I'm pretty sure that if I got up tomorrow and told the world about my crossdressing I'd feel ashamed pretty quickly, because I'd be expected to. Most of society see this thing we do as shameful. That's not right (says me, and us) but it's true. Then again maybe I've got it wrong ..
Christen x
Last edited by Christen; 06-04-2014 at 06:59 AM.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.” - Rumi.
I did for a time feel ashamed of this side of me. My mind was convinced I was _________ (fill in any number of negative connotions). I finally found this site and came to terms with it. I am no longer ashamed. I do feel guilt now and then but that is more because I am married and need to find a cure (according to my wife).
Being able to read about all of the issues that people have and finding that they are the same ones that I have made me realize that I am not aloneand tha helps a b reat deal maybe embarrassed if found out but I dont think ashamed,.like today I came home early shaved my legs etc. And had a hot bath . Dressed with bra and panties and a silky robe. That felt terrific , I cannot be ashame of something that makes me feel that warm inside!!!
The closest I've come to feeling ashamed was when I got caught. Even then ashamed isn't really the right word. "Vulnerable" and "Turned on" are better descriptions.
I am not now, nor ever been ashamed of my CD'ing. However, I have been terrified of those who do not understand finding out and running my name through the mud.
Tami Monroe, formerly known as hawkdoc60!
In a word, no. Not anymore. I've suppressed this part of me for a long time and wrestled with a lot of undeserved nonsensical guilt that was kept very deep beneath the surface. I'm not ashamed of my knowledge of feminine styles in addition to knowing a great deal about suits, cufflinks, and smoking jackets. Why should a man that chooses to wrap his legs in nylon (was once an accepted style) have to face ridicule while a woman that chooses to wear a necktie, sport jacket, and trousers be celebrated? Oh how we tangle ourselves up with so many false premises...
I think it's cute (and sexy, let's face it ) when a lady friend decides to wear one of my sweatshirts or button downs. And yet our popular culture has this absurd notion that a man who appreciates the feel (and it is exquisite) of nylon or chiffon needs to have his head examined?
Perhaps the worst part of this is while we wrestle with all of the nonsensical questions society foists on us, we think we're alone. That our manhood is somehow compromised. To borrow a phrase from my friends across the pond, "******** to that!"
That said, I feel no obligation whatsoever to share this part of me with unthinking troglodytes who buy into the worst stereotypes and mischaracterizations of the spectrum we occupy and can't be bothered to develop their own knowledge. I'm most grateful for this forum where I can share the wonderful experiences that come from this other dimension of self expression.
As for a "dark side?" I have to laugh at this. A night of sipping wine in a sexy outfit compared to all the horrors of this world? A way to completely and totally relax and be immune to irritation, stress or tension for a few days, to the benefit of my health? Hardly.
You've all captured the essence quite well. Perhaps the only thing I regret was not jumping into this forum (and coming to a peaceful place with my feminine expression) sooner.
Wow! What a loaded question!
For some there may indeed be a sense of shame - the remnants of a not-so-distant time when being trans* was even more misunderstood than it is now. However, I would venture to guess that for many, other people's perceptions of them would be affected and this would lead to losing opportunities, relationships failing, and other social and emotional hardships. In this light, even some of the most open of us still practice caution when revealing ourselves - not because of shame, but because the fallout from other's ignorance can have real and detrimental effects.
It is prudent to be mindful of the consequences of one's actions. It is hurtful to say that a person is "shameful" just because they value their privacy, comfort, and the well-being of their extended lives.
REBEL WITHOUT A CLOSET!
All trans* girls are NOT created equal. https://www.flickr.com/photos/emi_again/
Do you feel that you "over do" the consequences? Especially if you are identifying[owning up to it] as Transgender? Laverne Cox is on the cover of Time magazine,and she identifies as TG...
It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !
When I was younger I was ashamed and embarrassed of who I was and wanted to hide my femininity from not just the outside world, but also from myself. Though, as time passed this view has changed from ashamed to feeling complete as a person, because I decided some time ago to embrace my inner femininity and let me be me. I know others might see us as not the social norm, but then again I've never been one to follow the crowd or adhere to standards that someone else believes is correct. I decided to choose my own path and not let others with narrow views push me around. I'm happier now and I keep growing as an individual each day that passes.
Maybe the first time I ever put an article of women's clothing on, I was embarrassed, not so much ASHAMED, that's a very strong word, but I got over it real quick having an awesome wife that lets me be the crazy me I can be sometimes and just knowing its what I wanted to do. I've always been someone who takes accountability for what I do. I have only one person to blame for any shame I might feel and that person is me. So, no SHAME here, just fun.
No - I am not ashamed. Never have been. I am very happy. My crossdresing helps me be me. It is a gift which enriches my life. I feel different when I am dressed as a woman - softer, sensitive, beautiful. I know I am doing nothing wrong, immoral, illegal. I love dressing as a female and do so as much as I can - every day.
OH man, shame and guilt is something that I had to confront and the reality of losing friends and family, and yes it set in for awhile. At 14 when I discovered why I felt so different from boys my age when I got fully dressed with moms lingerie, dress, heels, makeup, jewelry and perfume I knew why I was different then. I turned to booze to help me cope and the likes of Jim Beam and Wild Turkey were to become my best friend, but in the end at 33 years old I wound up on my death bed do to chronic alcoholism. Yes my friend's Jim Beam and Wild Turkey took me to a different place with yellowed eye balls and skin, I weighed a mere 148 lbs and was 6'3" tall, looked like I was 6 months pregnant due to the destroyed liver. The booze took away the shame and guilt and fears of getting caught, it gave me courage to go on and I could be anything "you" wanted me to be. When I was 17 years old (1961) a 12 year old boy in our neighborhood was our paper boy, me too at 12-14 years old had the same paper route. One afternoon after school his parents came home and found him hanging in an apple tree in the back yard wearing panties, garter belt, nylon stockings and a skirt. They didn't know, I didn't know, but what could I have done, nothing. I wouldn't come out of the closet and own up to cross dressing for love nor money. Cross dressing was something parents, older folks, HS bullies and peers made sick jokes about in those days, there was no place to go, nobody to talk to. A couple boys in my HS class were caught CDing and were ridiculed forever by other classmates. Still others were caught with other boys and were tormented due to their gay choices. I too, a hypocrite, a deceiver, told the same sick jokes to get a rise, if you will, when I wanted to tell somebody I was a cross dresser, I clammed up big time when they laughed at my jokes, they would laugh at me too, and their laughter would have killed me.
Drinking helped me cope with my CD/TV lifestyle. Monday mornings after my trips to the Village were always filled with no more am I going into the City with my TV friends. Odd too I did fall in love, if you will, with other TV's just as a high school sweetheart would, never thought that would ever happen, but I did have long term relationships that lasted a year or more with others just like me. Sometimes I think those broken hearts were far worse than losing a GG girlfriend, but the GG girlfriends I would not let get that close to me to own up to my true being. But the closer it got to Friday, the more excited I got thinking of my CD/TV friends and the patrons of the Clubs we visited, even the Lesbian and Gay crowd, we all seemed more friendly and tolerant of each other in those days.
If you got arrested for Cross Dressing, or violating the City Ordinance in NYC of not having at least 3 articles of your birth gender, you were locked up in what they called "the sissy tank". In New Jersey, like the City of Paterson/Clifton/Passaic, you were arrested for "Impersonating a female" and your name, age and address, was published in the Paterson Evening News and The Herald News of the time, the biggest local papers everybody seemed to read.
After I was released from the Hospital and went on to Alcoholic Rehab, 1978, I had to come clean of why I drank in the first place, and my reason was the shame and guilt of my Cross Dressing. But it was at the time past the Stonewall Riots when the laws were changed as they still are in protecting Transgender today, the shame and guilt need not be today, not like yesterday, if arrested and you just looked at the cop in a way he didn't like, you were lucky if you wound up in a hospital and still alive, some didn't, they went to the morgue and the "incident" was rarely if ever published in a newspaper, might be on the back of the sports page, a note near the bottom of the page.
But after a year or two in AA, I realized I could no longer turn to booze to masquerade my weakness, my need to dress in women's clothing, it haunted me forever if I didn't engage. If I drank I would die and a painful death or be put away in an institution, shock treatments were still common and those who engaged with that treatment told of horror stories of what that was like, no thank you. Suicide was my answer, end it all this charade of living 2 lives and one still in secrecy. I could not live trying to stay sober and deceiving by not coming clean, one of the moral obligations of sobriety, I could always remember the truth, the lies I told and more lies for covering up the lies I told, could no longer be part of my character. Yes I was one of those who made amends to family and close friends and employers even if it cost me my friendship. It did sometimes, but I sought out professional help and glad I did for a number of years I went to a psychologist. I also was befriended by a Roman Catholic Priest, a very popular priest, I became his AA sponsor, we became the best of friends over the next 20 years or so, without mentioning names, he lost his life on that faithful day 9/11 at the world trade center. I won't dwell into how we became acquainted due to the religious nature of the events in his life, but what a friend. He was the pastor of a small church and school in West Milford, NJ at the time, St Joesph's Church. Mychal taught me a lot about "unconditional love", he also came out as being gay as is told in his book and his CD dedicated to the Saint of 9/11. Mychal taught me to take what God has given me and love it, embrace it, share it with those who are still conflicted with gender identity. I would only share it with those who would tell me about their lives, the very things they too wanted to take to the grave with them. I have spoken publicly a few times and plan on another in the next few months at a mental health clinic dealing with bi-polar disorder and my life story of being a member of the Transgender Community. I didn't start out this way of public speaking but a dear friend asked me too who I confided in while doing my, what we call 5th step in AA, she is my sponsor and is a chairperson at this mental health clinic. Shame and guilt, the wars and revolutions of being a CD/TV/Transgender. My biggest sin of my life that brought about the shame and guilt was the deceiving, just by being honest has set me free, and like Mychal always told me, love everything and everyone you meet in life, hard to do at times, but "love the person" hate the bad deeds people do.
The Man In The Glass
Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr.
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
Last edited by Elle1944; 06-04-2014 at 04:20 AM.
Basically, my good friends and partner know and are supportive. I've made friends as Cindy, and again they are supportive. But the reason I would never reveal this to family (and my partners family) is that they are all a bit old fashioned and would criticise and make me out to be a massive joke and hurt me, just like when I had my ears pierced. Also countless things myself, my younger brothers, other family members and my partner have done. Just gets ridiculed and pulled down as a joke and "weird", so I would not want family to know if not I would lose them.
I'm not ashamed of myself more than I am about being humiliated by others. I have accepted who and what I am.
No not a shamed at all, i spent to long figuring out who i was, in the end i gave up and just said sod it i am who i am you either like me or not, either way i couldnt care i love my life, i keep those who are special to me close to my heart and those who are not so special at arms length.