A Question of Etiquette…

[Katey888]

So here I am, on another wet Sunday, pondering on our collective weirdfulness (that’s my new term combining weird AND wonderful.. ) and thinking forward to the distant future when I just might go out, and that just might be to a support group of other LGBT or CD/TG folk… and I start thinking about greeting people… complete strangers, some of them like me, probably dressed and presenting female… How do I greet them?

Now I’m not referring to a verbal greeting – I’m afraid I was indoctrinated nearly 30 years ago by you lovely West Coast USA folk to using a universal ‘Hi..’ whether I’m in my village or halfway around the world… I’m referring to the tactile aspect of greeting…

I have my copy of Debrett’s ‘Guide to Etiquette & Modern Manners’ open in front of me now, and there is nothing, but nothing, on how to greet another crossdressed individual… Surprising? I am shocked! Presenting male I have no issues with first time meets across many cultures from the Middle East to the Far East – a moderately firm handshake with eye contact and appropriate local verbal greeting and… Bingo! Done.

So – I offer this question to everyone here, but with particular interest in answers from those who socialise a lot within our community; what is the correct tactile form for first time introductions? Somehow a handshake seems too male en femme, although as a male I would only ever shake a female’s hand on first greeting… But I’m wary also of going all Gallic on another CDer and smearing lipstick all over carefully contoured cheeks – they may get the wrong idea about me! I’m also a bit reticent about the mwah-mwah air kiss too, unless I knew that would fall into an accepted norm… so back to a feminine handshake, then…?

Please let me know what you think? I’m expecting there’d be cultural and regional differences too, so who knows, it might also prepare me for my much dreamed about expenditure of some air miles to distant lands and meeting some of you lucky folk…

Katey x

[Felicia Dee]

OO! GOOOOD question. If we're talking first time meeting another CDer that I've chatted online with, then it'd be a quick, friendly hug! Maybe even an air kiss like they do in Hollywood? Or a double air kiss like in Paris? Meeting another CDer cold, like while at a club or something... Hmmmm... curtsy? ;P I have observed GG's offering a Side hug, if they are introduced to a new person by someone they know... Most of my experiences have been within the context of a group setting so, it's always been fairly casual and -- turns out, I'm a hugger! More formal situations -- I assume, would call for a polite *femme* handshake. Next time you're out for a pint or whatever, check what the GG's around you are doing. I do know that if you are meeting Asian persons, a quick, slight bow is the cultural norm. For we Italians, even new people get a quick peck on the cheek!

[Lucy_Bella]

I once joined a local Cross Dressing group ( MTF) ..They were very out going and stern about the members to "get out " ...They would throw events every month meetings at homes or gay friendly bars and dinners.. Through emails since joining the group I would receive urges almost daily to attend these meetings so at the time ( a few years back ) I had the over whelming urge to "get out " like many here do..

So I got with a openly gay friend of mine and asked if he would escort me to one of these events.. He agree'd and yes he brought his other half with him so we planned it all out..

I know this really doesn't answer your question for the most part but here was my take on the whole adventure..I get to the bar and meet up with the group and I totally dis engaged myself from them after saying hi.. Simply put, I had nothing in common with them it was a real life version of being on this page...They wasn't the out cast I was and I knew from that point on that I never wanted to venture out in public dressed again ,I lost all desire to "get out"..

Don't get me wrong the group well. they were a fantastic group and very supportive and that may have been the nail in my "getting out " coffin..

But to answer your question on how I introduced myself to the "girls"..A hand shake a simple hi and a hand shake..

[Leah Lynn]

Katey, My first meeting, I hadn't a clue either, so I just followed the lead of the others present. I think the first time it was a feminine handshake, then from then on, it was hugs and air kisses. I'm not sure if it's universal to all of us, worldwide, but it's the norm here. At least it wasn't a "Yo', Dude, what up?"

Hugs,

Leah

[Laura912]

Have seen my wife do this one of two ways. Hold your purse in both hands in front of you and say hello or hi. Alternatively, a brief handshake with a hello or hi. In either situation, a warm smile goes a long way just in case of some perceived goof.

[Amanda M]

Tough call! First, come near me with an air kiss and I swear I shall do something really inappropriate.

Now here, in Spain, if I am introduced to a lady when I am dressed male, the correct thing is a kiss on each cheek - and if I am dressed en femme, it's just the same. Now I have no problem with that, but in our little village, there are far too many Brits (I know, I'm one as well) but some of them cannot get their heads around this. Stiff upper lip and all that, old chap! Slight scenes of confusion in the market on Saturday when we met a lovely Spanish lady of our aquaintance (who we had not seen for a while) and she grabbed Carole, kissed her to death and then did the same to me!

Glad to say it IS catching on in the Brit community!

[AllieSF]

Great answers so far. Follow the lead of others, including there body movements, as in, if they take a step closer and lean in, then some type of light hug is being offered, an extended hand, light, ladylike shake. If your personal space is quite large and important to you, then just quickly extend your ladylike hand to preempt the other's attempt to give you a nice bear hug. I have had a thrift store black jacket dry cleaned way to many times for what it was worth when buying it to clean the shoulder of someone else's foundation. They probably had some of mine on their garment too! Then as Amanda clearly states, cultural differences should also be taken into consideration. Like Wednesday above, I am a hugger unless the other person's body language show otherwise, and like Amanda my hugging personality really took off from another culture after marrying a hugging Latina. Maybe my Mom didn't hug me enough??

[Jenniferathome]

You shake hands and ask their name. Just like women do. Women don't hug on a first meeting. On the continent, the double cheek "almost" kiss is acceptable. In Japan, it is a bow. I shake hands and say nice to meet you because it is.

[natcrys]

As someone who socialises quite a bit.. both in guy and girl mode... I tend to do what most people in the Netherlands do.

Guys will always shake hands with guys.. with good friends a "bro" hug.

As a guy, when introduced the first time to a girl/woman who is a friend of my friend.. I will shake hands. If it's a social occasion (e.g. dinner at a friend's house or party) and the atmosphere and conversation was good, then usually the goodbyes are three kisses on the cheek.

Now, as Tassia.. I greet my good CD/TG/TS friends with three kisses on the cheek.

If I meet a CD for the first time, the greeting is a handshake. Some CD's will have the view that they themselves are a guy in a dress.. and they don't want to kiss another "guy in a dress" (i.e. me) on the cheek. Usually during the occasion I can pick up the vibe to see how they feel about this.

Bottom line: I tend to not make a big deal about these things.

[Butterfly Bill]

Half of the people in my church congregation are huggers, the other are hand shakers. The hand shakers usually get their hand out real fast, and I take it. The huggers will spread their arms apart ready to receive you. If I don't really know I start out offering my hand, and sometimes that person will take my hand and then start to wrap their other arm around me, to which I respond by dropping the hand and putting both my arms around. This is Oklahoma, and kissing is usually done only with relatives or intimate relationships.

[Bria]

When I'm dressed and at the Wednesday TG group at Hamburger Mary's, I'll say "Hi, I'm Bria" and take my clue for a femme handshake or a hug from the person that I'm greeting. When I'm leaving the group and saying my goodbys, a hug is usual. Kisses, probably not.

Hope that helps.

Hugs, Bria

[samantha rogers]

Katey, I've only been out three times and all three began with some kind of TG meeting. The first time I wont count because I was very nervous. But now I simply do what most of the friendly warm ggs I have known do... I give them as big warm smile, say " Hi, I'm Samantha!", and put out my hand and offer a slightly softer more gentle handshake than I would with a guy. I know how nervous I was the first time I met another girl, and how much it put me at ease when someone was warm and outgoing toward me, so I try to do the very same thing. And its real...I am glad to meet them. All of them. I know some girls only want to make friends with other girls they think are passable, but I dont feel like that at all. I was closeted for too long, and I have a lot of deep empathy for how hard it is for some girls to feel comfortable. It is just my way of paying it forward, you know?
I want them all to feel good and beautiful and glad they came.

[kimdl93]

A politely brief hug seems appropriate in most cases.

[Eryn]

No one way of greeting is universal. With people of either gender I'm first meeting while dressed the safe path is a feminine handshake. Once I know them better I tend toward a hug. The exception is that I feel uncomfortable hugging non-LGBT males who know that I am TG so a handshake suffices for them.

[Adriana Moretti]

If it was you Katey..It would be a big hug.....

[sanderlay]

I've not met fellow CD's in public. But I have been to different groups who like to share a hug.

When I'm meeting a person for the first time it's usually a polite light hand shake. But if they offer a hug I will accept it but lightly. As Allie in post #7 said you can tell by their body language to some degree.

A warm smile and eye contact certainly. I'll offer my hand for a light hand shake... yes. If they initiate wanting a hug I'll reciprocate, but always very lightly.

A side hug is more personal and I don't do this very often, not a first greeting. A closer body hug is much more intimate and I reserve for a much closer friendship, never a greeting with a stranger.

Kissing... no, not even air kisses. Some of my family members do the kiss on a cheek or forehead. I would reserve this for a very special close best friend.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I have been out in the trans community for a long, long time. Usually a simple greeting, or a handshake at most seems to suffice between strangers. Sometimes a hug, but only if I had known the person previously (online or such) before meeting them in person.

Hugs always seemed problematic to me. Some people have been abused and have an aversion to being touched by strangers, so I never assume a hug is welcome by a stranger. Especially true given the era in which I grew up in (the era of child molestation, sexual harassment, etc. in the news) where touch was considered a bad thing and frowned upon.

[Katey888]

Thanks for your fascinating responses so far everyone... I'll be letting this run around to the Far Side of the World and our Asiatic and Antipodean members before I start looking for any patterns... not that I expect anything definitive....

Nobody has mentioned rubbing noses yet so I suppose I should be grateful for that...

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Katey, The very first thing to do is lead with a big smile and a out stretched hand
then let nature take it's course.

[Joanne f]

Hello Katey,
I greet everyone with a simple "Hello" or " Hello how are you " if they offer a hand I will shake it which only seems to happen when greeting profesional people, if the person wants to talk a bit I will if not then just move on .

[Rogina B]

Just be flexible! It could be a smile and a hug or it could be an outstretched hand that you can lightly grasp with both your hands and hold on to as you tell the person sincerely that you are glad to meet them..People feel comfortable with hand contact,more often than not...

[Nadine Spirit]

I shake hands and say nice to meet you because it is.

I am so happy that Jenniferathome was the first cd I met. I was totally unsure what to do, but Jennifer walked right up and shook my hand, and it was great. She shook Jules' hand and then the three of us went into the restaurant for a great dinner. Thanks Jennifer!

[BOBBI G.]

Being a transgender girl, someday going to be a woman (I hope), I am quite open with new people. But I always follow the lead of the other person on first meeting. This will release you of quite a bit on momentary pressure. If they hesitate, offer your hand, but do not try to break fingers on contact. Eye contact is very important That's my method and I'm stuck with it.

Bobbi

[Marcelle]

I prefer to shake hands as a starting point. Once I get to know someone well I might great them with a hug or the old double cheek kiss (yes both boys and girls) . . . it's a cultural thing in my family. But first meeting is always a friendly handshake.

Hugs

Isha

[Beverley Sims]

Katey,

Your answer lies with Buckingham Palace.

If you meet me I will be wearing a pink "cretin" dress and I would expect you to curtsy.

A limp shaking of the hands wearing long white gloves would probably add to the occasion.

I may break with tradition and wear flats instead of heels.