Outing To Some Old Friends And A Quandary
I have to believe what I experienced today is what I can only describe as synchronicity.
Since I commented on the GG Friends thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...035-GG-friends) the other day, there have been a few changes, one that fell in line with that thread and another than has left me in a quandary.
I can now say that two GG friends I have known for years know about me. This came about by way of my sister Janice and my long time friend Jo. I am not upset by any means because the only reason I haven't told them is because I haven't seen them for years, due primarily to the distance that separates us. (If I'm going to tell someone, I prefer to do it in person, not by way of a phone call, e-mail, or text. Call me old-fashioned.)
Janice Skype'd me earlier today and we talked about a all kinds of things, including our plans for a summer trip out to Martha's Vineyard with our cousin Gail. I thought we were finishing up when she said she had something she wanted to show me, turned her laptop to one side, and there were my two friends! Apparently both Janice and Jo had confided in them about me and they wanted to see the real me. I think there was initial shock on both sides as I could feel my face warm, letting me know I was blushing. (That's one thing that has always been a signature of mine – I blush easily!) But my two old friends quickly recovered and it was a lengthy string of questions and answers for the next half hour. At the end of that it felt like they had always known and they looked forward to getting together some time this summer when they're in New England. Other than some initial awkwardness on both sides, it was great seeing them and letting them see me as Diane.
Now for the quandary.
I had lunch today with a friend – I'm going to call her Laura - someone I've known for a few years. She only knows Diane and is not aware that I am not a GG. We've always gotten along, have spent time together shopping, eating out, going to shows and concerts, sometimes along with her now-ex husband. (They divorced a couple of years ago.) We aren't really close friends, meaning we haven't been confiding in each other except on a superficial level. We don't hang out together all the time. Weeks may go by before we talk or get together, this due primarily to our respective work schedules. But I digress.
Laura is a very attractive woman who strongly resembles the actress Amy Carlson. At times she's even been mistaken for her. (Though in her mid 50's she easily looks like she's in her early 40's.) I won't lie and say I haven't been attracted to her since I've known her, but I have never acted on that attraction for obvious reasons.
As we finished lunch and paid our bill, she told me there was something she wanted to talk to me about that she didn't feel was appropriate to discuss in the restaurant. Since we were parked next to each other in the parking garage, I suggested we talk in one of our cars. We ended up in mine as it's a bit roomier than her econo-box. At first she sat there in the passenger seat and didn't say anything. I could see she was really nervous. Her hands were actually trembling!
I reached out and took her hands, hoping to help steady her nerves. I guess it was the right thing because it triggered her to say and do something that was the last thing on earth I expected.
She looked up, looked me in the eyes and told me that she wanted to spend more time with me, to see where the two of us might go. She also told me that she had always been attracted to women, but I was the first one she'd ever wanted and the first one she'd ever felt she could approach. Then she learned over and kissed me. I would be lying if I said it wasn't a breathtaking, passionate kiss. It certainly took me by surprise. I must have looked dumbfounded (I certainly felt that way), because once the kiss ended, she got out of my car, got into hers, and drove off.
I haven't talked to her since then (it's only been a few hours) though I have texted her to say there's more we need to talk about, things she needs to know about me, but she hasn't responded yet.
Here's the quandary:
I have never really felt the need to be in a relationship, though goodness knows I've had more than a few, and one marriage. I don't often even think about relationships, particularly as I leave what little vestiges there are of my male persona behind. So for Laura to express her feelings for me as she has has me both excited and in a bind.
I have to admit that I would love to start a relationship with Laura, but she only knows me as Diane. I know I would have to tell her and show her everything about me, tell her my plans, and hope she understands and can accept me as I am. I am laying myself open in a way I never have before, telling someone who sees me only as Diane that I am not entirely as I appear rather than the other way round. There's that part of me that says I shouldn't, that I should back away from her and continue on as I have. I know a big part of that is fear of rejection, something we have all dealt with. But this feels different, more intense, and I don't want to blow off what might be a great relationship due to fear. I also understand that this is a big step forward for me, that if I go forward with this and Laura can accept me for who I am, there's no going back. Nor would I want to.
I am not asking for advice, per se. I just needed to vent, to get some perspective by putting it down into words in order to make the right decision. (Yes, I know that when it comes to emotions, there isn't always a 'right' answer.) I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to lie to her either. This is going to be hard. Then again, no one ever promised that life was going to be easy.
Originally Posted by Kim_Bitzflick
