Devastated

[samantha rogers]

Michelle, honey, I feel so bad for you. I can relate totally. My wife accepts (so far) my life, but wants no part herself. So I go out, just as she spends time with her friends and her church group. I try very hard to limit my outings and to then be as supportive of her as I can when I am at home with her.
Perhaps in time your wife will come to appreciate your needs and come to accept your taking a night now and then to meet others without her? With enough positive reinforcement of your relationship coming from you, do you think this might be possible?
Hugs
Sammie

[sherri]

I agree with both you and your wife. It is gratifying to be able to socialize with other gurls. We all seek out those who share our interests, and given social constraints, we need that affirmation and sisterhood. At the same time, IME such friendships can tend to be rather one dimensional if the parties involved aren't interesting in other ways. Yes, it's fun to compare notes and experiences, but sooner or later I'm like, can we move on?

[Katey888]

Michelle - I do feel for you too...

Relationships are all about compromise, but sometimes there'll be something that either party may just not be able to find a way to accommodate... I have no idea what my wife would say if she even knew about this part of me.. (I fear 'Foxtrot Oscar' might be involved...) but there are trivial things in my life that she just won't tolerate either.

As others have said - give it time, keep talking, don't pile the pressure on, and take heart from the fact that she does understand and support this aspect of you to a very great extent..

Katey x

[kimdl93]

I think it's a topic that merits more conversation. Your wife has a valid point to the extent that friendship should be based on more than one thing in common. But it's also possible that you both might meet people through CDing who have lots of other common interests and experiences. You might also ask her to explain her reservations so you can more fully understand them.

[JennyLynn]

She laid down her limitations. Respect them. You're lucky to have a wife that understands you.

[Stacy Cruz]

Id be happy with my SO being able to handle talking about the subject. Hope it works out but be patient she seems loving and reasonable which is a big plus.

[suchacutie]

Michelle, I must admit that I'm not clear on a few points:

Is your wife objecting to going out to meet all CD/GG couples, is she objecting to going out only to meet CD/GG couples, or is she objecting to not going out to meet other than CD/GG couples?

Is she saying you can go alone to meet these people on occasion if you also go with her to meet other couples?

Is she maybe saying that she thinks the fraction of the things the two of you do as couples has gone over some boundry in her mind that is just too much on your femme side? Is she missing what she likes to do with her man?

Answers to these would change my thinking on how we all might offer suggestions.

Hope all else is very well!

[Rhonda Jean]

At least she still wants to hang out with you! That's all that matters.

[ReineD]

I'll be looking forward to the day I meet other like me, until then this is Michelle's outlet which I am also very thankful for.

Sorry to keep badgering you with questions, but does this mean that you haven't yet met another couple you wish to hang out with, and the discussion so far with your wife has only been on a "what if" basis?

Is it that your wife does not want to go out with you to TG clubs or TG support groups, and does this mean that she doesn't want you to go either?

[PaulaQ]

@ Michelle - I think I'd talk to her about your CDing to make sure she isn't feeling negative about it. By the same token there's no reason she needs to involve herself in your CD life. I used to be an amateur astronomer - my wife hated it so I did it without her. Of course, CDing isn't a hobby.

[JamieG]

To add to the questions, how would your wife feel about meeting other CD/SO couples when the CDs are in drab? My wife has never been to a support group meeting with me, but she's met some of my CD friends and their SOs. These are people we actually have things in common with beside the CDing, so meeting in drab is still great fun. Although its not the focus, inevitably the conversation will touch on something CD or other, but usually in a light way, which helps to normalize that side of things.

[Michelle V]

At least she still wants to hang out with you! That's all that matters.

I would love to answer all the questions presented to me but the truth is I don't know why she is adamant about meeting with other couples. My guess is she is still dealing with the fact that her husband who presents very masculine secretly want to be a girl. We have not touch on the subject of me going out on my own, I wouldn't know where to start. I'm not saying I won't at least try when she is more comfortable with the whole idea of Michelle but for now I want to make sure she is happy, after all this was not her idea of married life and I'm at fault for not being more honest from the beginning. I did meet a couple on this site, I think they are awesome but I often lose her interest when I start to talk about people from this site. Again I wii follow the advice of people suggesting to give her time. On the mind time I'm very satisfy with dressing up at home, talking to people from this forum and learning a lot from all of you, I am very thankful for the interest of all of you and for the support received, this is why I am also great full for this site.

[Nadine Spirit]

You're cool. Hang in there.

[michelle az]

hi michelle it is tough my wife does not accept at all even though her sis is gay. dont understand her even threatens to call boss,kids,ect. selfish

[franchesca]

After posting to this thread I had a long talk about this subject, and well, I was wrong. It isn't that she isn't willing or interested in meeting others "like" me... its has more to do with honesty. I know just how fortunate I am to have somebody who is willing to stand my side. All I can add is patience, perseverance, and communication is key!

[Joanne f]

Yes franchesca you have hit the nail on the head there as patience and communication is the key to making it work long term for the both of you , it can be so easy to feel like you have been let loose to do as you please with a little acceptance which is understandable in a way as one has to hold it all in at times but it is not the right way for long term acceptance .

[Chickhe]

You know she is correct... Suppose you did pick something that interests both of you and integrated your CDing in to that? One reason I never joined a local group was because although I like to crossdress, I can't see myself spending time talking about it without getting really bored.

[Ressie]

I would guess it's rare to have a spouse that actually likes the idea of public CDing with other CDs.

[docrobbysherry]

Think of her as an unaccepting golf wife! Go hang out with your "buddies" while she joins a "women's club".

Talk about irony?

[Maria in heels]

Michelle...you have to try and understand your wife - mine is the same way...she supports you but if thats the line that she has drawn, please don't try to force her over it

[DebbieL]

My wife knew I was a cross-dresser before we met, but didn't really want to go out with me as Debbie that often. Later, when I started considering transition, she was reluctant to accept. We went to therapy together and over time, she has become a huge supporter and ally. She was mostly afraid of what others would think. As we discussed it with members of her family, people at church, and so on, she began to realize that most people had already figured out that I was transgendered, and were actually looking forward to meeting Debbie. Only a very small number of people were less than thrilled, but even they were polite and kind.

I still have to work as hard as I ever did, maybe even a bit harder, but I am so much happier. A nice side effect is that the spiro and estro have eliminated the need for heart, blood pressure, and migraine medications. I'm healthier and happier than I have been in a very long time.

[Marcelle]

Hi Michelle,

Interesting because my wife while she supports me is not interested in meeting other CDers or CD/GG couples. She feels she has no common ground with them (albeit we all kind of share the same thing). I don't begrudge her this because it is her decision not mine. So if I do meet up with other CDers it is on my own time. My wife and I agreed that when we go out we go out as a couple (boy and girl not GFs) and that is a line in the sand we don't cross.

Perhaps if you just effect a tactical retreat from this issue she may come around in the future. However in the meantime I am assuming she does not begrudge you the ability to go out with other CDers.

Hugs

Isha

[Elkeliini]

My wife just told me something that devastated me! She said she does not care to hang out with other CD/GG couples. I tried to make a point saying that it is a social necessity for me to met other people like me. She insist that I should be able to make friends with people that have more in common with me than just CDing.

friends with people that i have MORE in common with than JUST CDing.... is that what she literally said? In that case she might be making a point that she wants the CD/GG couples to be more like you guys and not just a CD/GG couple that happens to live near enough but has otherwise absolutely nothing in common with you two. Talk to find out id say. You might find you don't need to be so overly devastated after all.

example: A fair few of my friends here are foreigners. they tend to cluster with their fellow nationals and at some point i heard one of them say about another one: I really don't like her. so i asked: why on earth are you friends than. her answer: because we are X-ians. So I asked would you also be friends back in X-land. no she answered, not in a million years. so why are you here? long silence...

morale: its not because you have something important in common you immediately should be friends.

[Ressie]

OTOH, I rarely enjoy going out with a group of GGs. The topics of conversation don't interest me; at least with the women I know. So if I could put myself in your wife's shoes, I would probably feel the same… bored!

[ReineD]

I did meet a couple on this site, I think they are awesome but I often lose her interest when I start to talk about people from this site.

I can understand that. It's scary meeting people from the internet. You just don't know what you're getting. You may feel a bond with members here, but your wife doesn't.

My advice would be to just take it one step at a time before worrying about your future social life with your wife as a crossdresser. Start by attending a TG support group (meetings are usually once per month), or maybe meet someone for dinner from here on your own. I wouldn't go overboard in the beginning and do this every weekend, but if your wife sees that you are going out and coming back in one piece, and you have positive things to say about the experience, she might well change her mind and go to the next TG support group with you. It's also much easier to go out in public for the first time at a private event like a support group meeting, or at a drag club where there is more acceptance for CDers, than out in the mainstream. Your wife would be just as nervous about going out in public with you, as you would be the first time. The difference is that psychologically you would gain personal benefit from it (this is what you feel bound to do) whereas your wife wouldn't. Give it time and take baby steps.