It's been a while since I wrote a post other then showing pictures as I progress through my journey. Things have been crazy stressful with all it's ups and down life is throwing my way. I try to keep myself busy and drama free as much as possible, but there's no escaping drama with some of my family, work, and dealing with my ex wife. And after last night dilemma with my ex wife, I have something to write about. So here's the deal; my relationship with my ex is strained, she blames me for things and throw things back in my face when I speak my mind. I do get that she is still angry and bitter about what hapoened between us( to that point where she says I don't deserve to be treated like a human being and that she doesn't want to deal with me. There's to be no communication, unless it's about our children. She even went far as to say that she's blocking my phone number and I can only contact her by email (which I found out she actually did last night). How am I supposed to call and talk to my children.
Anyway, all day yesterday I called a few times and sent a txt to see if I could see my children that evening. But she never responded back and I assumed she didn't want to do that and I went about my business. After I got off work at 6, I went home, got all dressed up as Billie and relaxed for a bit since I was going to go out in public as Billie. But I ended up falling asleep, was a long day. After a couple hours, I woke back up and called my ex again to at least say hi to the kids, but I got a voice mail.
After I called I was starting to fall asleep again, but was woken up by a knock at the door. Being that I was half asleep, I didn't answer the door, plus no one knows where I live, not even my ex. After a few minutes, the knocking stopped and my phone began to ring. When I looked at the phone, it was my ex. Thinking that she finally was calling me back, I answered it. First thing she said was that she was in the neughborhood and the kids wanted to surprise me and for me to open the door because she was outside.
At that moment, I was thrown a curve ball in what to do: here was my ex at the door unannounced with the kids, I never told her where I lived and the apartments are gated. And the only was in was by a radio key, punching in a code, or waiting for somebody to open the gate. I was cometly dressed as Billie and the kids and my ex have never seen me fully dressed with makeup and a wig. My house was a mess and I had women related stuff all over the apartment.
If she came in and saw me, she would get angry; if I didn't let her in my apartment she would get angry. It was a catch 22, so I decided to not let her and said I was not prepared and it was not a good time. Of course she got angry at me and threw it in my face how I'm a disappointment, tired of my BS and lies (mind you, I tried telling her I called, but she didn't receive anything because my number is blocked. So therefore I'm a liar), it's 1 step forward and 20,000 steps back, and all the other verbal and emotional abuse she could use against me. She even asked me if somebody was there with me ( she has a new BF even though the divorce is not final).
Even though I have started the process of transitioning and plan on starting HRT in a couple months. I'm still emotionally attached and love her considering we have been together for 5 years and have kids. So what she says to me and the things she does still affect me emotionally and she knows that.