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Thread: Trying to get wife to understand

  1. #1
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    Trying to get wife to understand

    I have talked my wife several times about my crossdressing, how it helps my stress,how I like the feel of the fabric, how I like being someone else for a while, which is her biggest hang up, why do I want to be someone else?
    I feel sexy and beautiful, but she can not understand why I want to do this?
    It's part of me and my personality. It's still no.
    So I was wondering if you ladies might have some ideas. Thanks for your help.

    Lori

  2. #2
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    Hi Lori , Go easy if you keep pushing the issue it could blow up in your face.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  3. #3
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    Let her read Tinkerbell's thread about identifying as a male . Your wife will understand after reading the many posts & discussing them with you. Peace, mel

  4. #4
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    You cannot 'make' another person understand. You can offer your explanations, as you understand yourself, but she may not find them persuasive.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Lori,
    Only another CD understands.

    After being here a while and reading the threads you should be able to explain to your wife in a better way.

    Not knowing your age or experience I would say a short time on this forum will be of immense help.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  6. #6
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    I can only describe some of my conversations with my wife and hope that this helps you. I also find that in these discussions I need to tell my wife that I appreciate her understanding and I reassure her that I love her and always will. She comes first.

    I tell her that I am a man and I am happy being a man. I refuse to adopt a female name, or change my personality when I cross-dress. However cross-dressing does release a host of pleasant sensations. When I cross-dress I feel happy, relaxed, and the stress of the world seems far away. It is sensual in a sexy way, but I don't cross-dress simply because it is a sexual fetish - it is more than that. I have been attracted to cross-dressing for as long as I can remember. My earliest recollections go back to when I was 3-4 years old and that had nothing to do with sex.

    I believe that what is going on is all in my brain. My brain is hard wired to respond to cross-dressing by releasing a host of neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters include: (1) Dopamine, which is the driver responsible for gratification, the anticipation of gratification, and is also associated with the behavior of desire, (2) Serotonin, which produces sensations of well-being, reduces stress and makes us feel happy and (3) Oxytocin, which reduces aggression, promotes bonding, social empathy, trust and love. There are probably other neurotransmitters but these are the main ones. It is interesting to note that our brains may be hard-wired to interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female, and these same neurotransmitters are also associated with our brain's response to sex.

    I am not NOT trying to be someone else. I will not accept a female name and do not use female pronouns to describe myself in drag. I am just a man who finds that wearing women's clothing makes me happy. It does this because my brain is hard-wired this way. The sensations I experience are not imaginary. I am not delusional. The sensations are very real and are biological, caused by the release of specific neurotransmitters. I have no desire to be a woman full time. I am happy being a man and I appreciate the virtues of manhood.

  7. #7
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    Aristotle said, "You cannot teach a person anything; you can only help them discover it within themself!"

    I suggest that you don't push too hard, but only plant little seeds for her to accept small steps and over quite a while let things happen naturally. When my wife discovered my little 'secret' when I left crossdressers.com on my computer screen one night, we had the first of some pretty frank discussions (the continuing dialogue is the most important thing, I think). In that first one, she enumerated her concerns - That I was going to become a girl and leave her and the family, that I didn't find her attractive any more, that I would be seen in public by our friends and family, that pictures of me dressed would forever be circulated on the Internet for the grandkids and everybody to see, etc, etc. It was good that she got all of those things out. I immediately assured her that I still love her, have no intentions of leaving, and will never allow myself to be photographed en femme. In the discussions since then, she has begun to accept my wearing of bra and panties under my male clothes and I promised never to dress up in our local area where I could be seen by friends/family. She said that she never wants to see me with a wig and makeup on and I agreed to that. But, amazingly, since having these discussions and her learning that I have lingerie, etc stashed all over the house, she suggested that "why don't you clear out a drawer in the dresser for Donna's things?" I quickly did that and it turned my dressing into a whole new thing. No longer having to hide my things all over really took away most of the secrecy and the feeling that I was deceiving her and now I have much more respect for her opinion on the matter. This all has taken place over 6-8 months and I could not be happier with the results of the dialogue!

  8. #8
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Lori, I'm wondering if there is a disconnect between the real drivers of your crossdressing and what you are telling your wife. Not that you are lying, just not fully realizing and communicating. None of the reasons you list are normally seen as primary drivers of CDing. Stress relief, I believe, is a by-product of CDing and not a cause. There are other ways to relieve stress. How does the feel of fabrics explain makeup, high heels, and a wig if you include such things as these in your CDing? Being someone else for a while just happens to always be a female in a dress? Never a male rock star or football player? Feeling and looking sexy and beautiful is a good explanation, whether driven by a strong feminine internal identity or as a way to be aroused (as a male). What's really driving your CDing?

  9. #9
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    You only need to understand ONE thing. Women's VISION does not affect them the way men's VISION does. Therefor few will EVER be able to understand. Condition her to something/ anything where she gets "rewarded" in some fashion and then try to extrapolate that to CDing.

  10. #10
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    Thank you

    Thank you ladies for all of your input.
    I realize that I can not make my wife accept it any more than an alcoholic can make
    her accept what he does or why he does it. I have been dressing dressing off and on since I was a preteen and it has became a part of me through these many years.
    It originally started as sexual, but not so much any more now that I am older.
    I just enjoy it, it makes me happy and I am not sure how to express that.
    I love my wife with all of my heart, and I will just keep working on her slowly.
    Thank you all again for your input.
    *Hugs*

    Lori

  11. #11
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    Hi Lori,

    It will take time. All you can do is keep your communication open with your wife continue CDing and answer her questions. As others have said, don't push too hard. Give her time to process and she might meet you halfway or all the way.

    Hugs

    Isha

  12. #12
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Like others said, you have to figure out why you want to crossdress. Because until then, you're not going to be able to tell your wife anything that will help her accept it. Women's biggest fear is that we are either 1. gay, or 2. transsexual. Until you know why you crossdress, you won't be able to convince her that those don't apply to you. Then you face the problem of her seeing you as less than the masculine man she married, and that's the one that kills marriages, because it kills the romantic flame of love that women have for us. And once the romantic love is gone, our women are often out the door, looking for someone else, someone masculine to replace what they once saw in us.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  13. #13
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    Women's biggest fear is that we are either 1. gay, or 2. transsexual.
    Or, if neither of these, a third possibility, we dress because it's sexually exciting.
    Not so good. "What's the matter, am I not sexually exciting enough for you?"

  14. #14
    Senior Member Deedee Skyblue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    Women's biggest fear is that we are either 1. gay, or 2. transsexual.
    My wife's biggest fear is that I will lose my job and we'll end up broke and homeless.

    Deedee
    It's not wrong... but it is forbidden!

  15. #15
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    I think the below is pretty good. In some cases, like my wife, nothing said would make a difference, but I like the wording here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Confucius View Post
    I can only describe some of my conversations with my wife and hope that this helps you. I also find that in these discussions I need to tell my wife that I appreciate her understanding and I reassure her that I love her and always will. She comes first.

    I tell her that I am a man and I am happy being a man. I refuse to adopt a female name, or change my personality when I cross-dress. However cross-dressing does release a host of pleasant sensations. When I cross-dress I feel happy, relaxed, and the stress of the world seems far away. It is sensual in a sexy way, but I don't cross-dress simply because it is a sexual fetish - it is more than that. I have been attracted to cross-dressing for as long as I can remember. My earliest recollections go back to when I was 3-4 years old and that had nothing to do with sex.

    I believe that what is going on is all in my brain. My brain is hard wired to respond to cross-dressing by releasing a host of neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters include: (1) Dopamine, which is the driver responsible for gratification, the anticipation of gratification, and is also associated with the behavior of desire, (2) Serotonin, which produces sensations of well-being, reduces stress and makes us feel happy and (3) Oxytocin, which reduces aggression, promotes bonding, social empathy, trust and love. There are probably other neurotransmitters but these are the main ones. It is interesting to note that our brains may be hard-wired to interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female, and these same neurotransmitters are also associated with our brain's response to sex.

    I am not NOT trying to be someone else. I will not accept a female name and do not use female pronouns to describe myself in drag. I am just a man who finds that wearing women's clothing makes me happy. It does this because my brain is hard-wired this way. The sensations I experience are not imaginary. I am not delusional. The sensations are very real and are biological, caused by the release of specific neurotransmitters. I have no desire to be a woman full time. I am happy being a man and I appreciate the virtues of manhood.

  16. #16
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    I think we all might have some moments of clarity in our lives when it comes to ourselves and our dressing. We have comfort and acceptance and we always wind up back at WHY? Why do we do it, why do we feel the need or desire? So is there understanding in our own self there?

    One thing I know for myself and in my own life experiences, and in my relationship with myself and my wife is I don't expect nor try to make my wife understand something that I don't understand in myself. Aside from all the thoughts and reasons for my dressing I don't try to unravel this whole understanding issue but more so embrace the fact that my wife accepts me without understanding and I accept myself even though I might not ever understand.

  17. #17
    New Member joleentgif's Avatar
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    It can be hard, my wife is very understanding and wants me to be happy but claims she will never feel that way about another women and won't hold me back from any decisions I make. I just can't stand the though of her leaving though. Life's a bitch

  18. #18
    Member Christy Diane's Avatar
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    Trying to make your wife"understand" could be impossible. For lots of us the best we can accomplish is that our wife realizes this is a part of us and is not harmful to her of our family(if kept in check). If we can Achebe that I belive we are doing great. I know some wives are totally accepting and even participate. I belive these ladies are probably the exeption. Of course a wife's level of acceptance can change over time (both positive and negative)and I belive that has a lot do with her CD's behavior. Show her that you are first and formost her husband, and the she comes before your CDing. Over time my wife as went from DADT to talking to me about fashion, makeup, and even not frisking out when she finds some of my girl cloths in the laundry.

  19. #19
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    Hi Lori,
    The important thing is try and fully understand it yourself before attempting to explain it to your wife. I've realised and accepted that I have a female thread as most of us do and that it has needs which never go away. You don't want to be someone else you need to be the other part of you, as Reine puts it you have to find a balance between your two extremes. The big one for me was realising Cding doesn't go away it's for life so you have to work things out, no one wants to live with guilt and shame for the rest of their life.

  20. #20
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    Hi lori,
    don't make the pressure to high for your wife. Tell her step by step, so that she can realise the new situation. Otherwise you might loos her. I think it is very hard to understand for others and they need much time for that. It was the same with my wife, i was also a little to fast in the beginning and she was really confused about the new situation... Later she understood it and it got much better for her/us...

  21. #21
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    I'm reading all of this with great interest. I'm working towards having The Talk (tm) with my wife soon. Thanks to all for the great info, and thank you lori for posting this.

  22. #22
    Gold Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    My wife has progressed to only slight approval, DADT situation. Her fears stem from the possibility of feeling embarrassed if anyone found out about me. And I think she has some latent homophobia.
    On the other hand, if your wife is a bit bisexual--it might work out nicely.
    On the other hand, most women are a tiny bit bi--at least they admire a woman who is well-turned out and highly attractive. Do they use men to advertise products in women's magazines? Of course not; they use women with sexy curves, full red lips and long blond hair.
    Sort of like how you feel when you see a really shiny red Corvette--curved fiberglass body with full wide tires and white convertible top.
    So choose your outfits wisely, look like a well-dressed woman.

  23. #23
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    Don't push hard or you will get resistance. My wife questions were same as discribed there: gay or transsexual. After both NO (several rounds that took about 2 years) she rellaxed. But she was keeping to ask me different type of questions with time and she still doing this: like why do I need this, how I feel, does it help me and etc. I think most important part was she came with these questions bu herself so she understood my answers. I think if I push her she will not accept them. I tried this way initially and went really bad. Now she accepts me completely with two exceptions: we keep it inside the house and our son should't be aware untill he can understand such things. It is a long road

  24. #24
    GG / SO to a CD MatildaJ.'s Avatar
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    It helps me to think of my husband's CDing as a mini-vacation from the stresses of being a man and feeling he has to provide for our family. Dressing down in male shorts & sneakers doesn't allow him to forget (briefly) about his responsibilities. Only relaxing in girl clothes seems to do the trick.

  25. #25
    Gold Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    Whoops.
    I must have left the tab open. My wife must have read my above comments. "Curvy red body, wide tires..." She frequently checks my history.
    She does not approve, but didn't say much.
    She says "You don't look that good."
    I say, "I look fine from a distance."
    Last edited by JenniferR771; 05-05-2014 at 09:49 AM.

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