Let it go

[samantha rogers]

Thank you all for the wonderful comments. This board is so incredibly supportive. Those who are young may take it for granted, having never known what things were like before, but I treasure this place.
I should clarify, though, as I fear some may have misinterpreted my intent.
What I was trying so poorly to express, was a particular emotion or rather, aseries of emotions I self indulgently allowed myself to experience yesterday and the thoughts that went with those feelings. Rationally, I am fine. Honest. Lol
I have learned and continue to try and accept that emotions are powerful and need to be felt, experienced fully and acknowledged before allowing reason to make our decisions. Otherwise...well, that way madness lies, as Shakespeare once observed.
I am well aware that I have been blessed in oh so many ways. My life has had many wonderful experiences in many places and I have been able to do and see things many will never be able to duplicate. I have a wonderful wife and great kids.It is all good.
Rather, what I was trying to express, was a moment of wistful selfishness...a momentary lapse into wondering what might have been...not unlike those moments we all have when we wonder what might have been if we had, say...taken that different job twenty years ago, or actually gone back and apologised to that dear friend we lost, or proposed to that girl...only, in this case, with something that cuts so much closer to the heart. Its fine now. Really.
Its all good.


Now lets get back to talking about the fun stuff..tee hee
Who wants to go shopping?

[Confucius]

Wonderful post. I found it really touching. If there is any advise I could give you it would be something like this...

You have a wonderful wife who is the most important thing in your life. You have beautiful children whom you love. There are plenty of good moment and memories.

You cannot recapture the past or see your own future, you only have today. So make the most of each day as if it was a precious gift. Be grateful for all the blessings you have, and make yourself a blessing to others. When your life reaches its end, the amount of time you spent cross-dressing will not matter at all. I am sure that if you knew you had only a few days to live then you would not focus on cross-dressing more, instead you would be contacting those you love and expressing your love and appreciation for them. Believe it or not, there are more important things in your life than cross-dressing.

Seek truth, practice love, and relish beauty everywhere. That is all you need to do in the world. That is all there is to know in the world.

[Annaliese]

Oh girl, wow, you said it all, you said it for me, in your words, the thoughts I have had over the last few years. Yes Let it Go, and the movie Frozen are my all time favorites. Yes as she is singing the song in the movie I picture my self shedding off all that I have to keep in, when she change her dress as it stated to change from the hem up, til she walk out on the balcony and that walk. I must have see the movie 20 times since it come out on DVD.
Thanks you this post. hugs

[KaceyR]

Wow. What a powerful post Sammie. Very powerful meaning thruought.

>I started to reply last night after Michelle's-got stuck midway with issues (adding this and the next cpl lines after I'd finished this following afternoon). Unfortunately I apologize that I seem to just reply about myself than to your post. Add to that the fact that you followed up already. So this will seem mis-timed but I think I still need to post it out there. Probably should be on it's own thread-sorry.

I read posts like these and I end up bawling away myself.
I regularly run into these thoughts and into a bit of depression over what my life has been.
I've not had the glaring issues growing up with CD like some have, but I definitely equate to Michelle's 4 thru 11.
But add on my side the self-imposed (i guess) lonlieness over my 48 years, never being able to really communicate with others well enough (shyness, introvertedness) to even try to have any relationships, wasting the last 30 in a dead job that has only isolated me further while seeing everyone around me able to 'experience' life, I always feel a multiple hammer of gloom and despair and man can it be rough.

Gender/CD issues aside, at this time in my life, i am going thru a lot at the moment involved with so much that should have been figured out decades ago. Things like base sexuality (as much as there can be figured out in my situation anyways), figuring out my lifes purpose, i just dont know at times.
And i try to work out Kacey's part in all of this.
Sometimes i think she's just a diversion away from a dead life.
Othertimes i know its much much more involved.. going even beyond a simple 'just enjoying clothes' form of expression.
I've thought many times about my times out as Kacey, about this board and it's influences, about boundaries pushed, about pretty much everything in this ~7 month journey.
A lot might seem strange for someone to only go from first really putting on fem clothes in Oct/nov to running all over on a 'first outing' day in Jan to pretty much outing to all friends and family. But i look at the way my life has been and its kind of been a tipping point thing. I've built up so many anxieties and issues over these years that i can no longer really hold back on much. Don't know if its really a 'dont care what others think' attitude really..but the end result is the same.
Kind of like picturing a glass. And everything thats happened in my life up to now has added a drop of water to it.
Remembering times meeting a girl..having feelings but never able to talk or say anything: another drop.
Spiritual experiences explored but messed up in the end due to logic,anxiety: more drops.
the job ive kept for so long with no real advancement and constantly with a relatively low pay and why ive not pushed for more: more drops.
Socially inept, unable to enjoy myself at social dances or events (never went to proms, zero social thru school):more drops.

Eventually its added up to be a full glass of issues and worries. And it seems with me this water in the glass doesnt evaporate over the years. So if i try to add a worry about CDing/going out or what people think - those drops cant be added to my glass anymore-it just pours over. Its not to say I'm wreckless really. I just physically cant be bothered to hold it in anymore. Its both good and bad. Good that I somewhat can accomplish a lot more without mentally hanging up and stalling the experience. But bad that emotionally at times I'm a wreck. An issue happens (or I read about an issue, or get involved in a story or thing) and I'm off crying or depressed. Quite literally I don't watch a lot of movies or dramas due to this.
I guess it's a situation where since my glass of water doesn't evaporate, I need to put a hole in the bottom instead to clear things out. (and make a mess on the table..but I digress).

I dunno...sometimes this is the good side/bad side of the modern world and internet.
It gives you a new way to explore, to see things thru others eyes and unfortunately see what you miss out on.
For CDers application-I can imagine say a CDer in their 50-60s. They started early CDing when young. But without much contact if any with other CDers, they stayed closeted. No CD 'social' activity or going out. They also raised a family. Now maybe this CDer didn't need more interaction to satisfy his CD needs. Or maybe he did need but just got used to being unfulfilled.
But today, we have internet and sites like cd.com.
This same CDer just starting out now can see how many there are like himself. This is great as it gets rid of some of the hiding in shame aspect. But now thanks to that and the fact that now there is more chance to communicate with CDers that get out and present to the world..so now this CDer thinks 'hey, I can do that too!' And does just that.

Anyway, I think that modern tech and the internet has really caused an explosion of the 'visible' CD numbers. And while good, it has also exposed transgender issues in general. Young kids and people are more and more figuring out their gender issues earlier in life. They can now change and experience their true lifestyle needs earlier, instead of just figuring it out in their 50-60's where they're stuck looking like an old guy in a dress from now on. And while good, for the older ones and me..it adds to the 'if only I'd known earlier' kind of nostalgic feeling. In my case, I've been feeling more and more at times that it's a bit stronger thing than just CD. That maybe I have a higher level of GD than I've realized. I guess therapy is the only way to really find out. And that'll be the problem. Thanks to my life and job choices, I don't think I could even afford therapy to figure out things let alone continue on any transitional path. And that then adds more to the emotional/depression side.
Maybe I should've kept this genie in the bottle and continued to live unawares.

Funny how board replying can go. I started replying here on my ipad early this morning. Some good cries thruought. So I dozed off after this previous paragraph. And dreamed. I saw CDers and their families out and about. The scene shifted and now I had put myself at some sort of CDing or gendering 'store' or somesuch (I can't explain 'what' exactly was being sold-just knew it was related). In line to the checkout/counter (or in queue for the UK'ers ). Others came up and cut ahead if me. Annoyed but it's been my nature to just not push or argue, I let them do that. Another cuts again. Now I'm more annoyed.. Not only at these people but at the clerk who isn't even acknowledging me or helping the situation. Eventually I give up and run out of the store not even getting what I wanted or needed. Woke up not long after that. And yeah crying a bit. It's afternoon now.

In some ways it's a continuance of the way I've lived myself. Non-confrontational, non-assertive, stay in the back quietly not say a word. Just flow with whatever thing in life..even if I don't like it, I'll get used to it and just continue to live on.
Just like, say you hear a squeak in your car's wheel. After awhile you get used to the sound and maybe tune it out. You can continue on but there is an issue not taken care of.
That's how I'm seeing this dream and my life.
I've been too quiet for too long with too much living with accepting (and acclimatizing to) issues all around instead of taking care of them.
The catch is if I can truly find my voice to speak up for this one (gender/CDing) and truly get what's needed at that shop...

[Kevyn53]

I spent YEARS thinking about what might have been if only... If only I had tried this back when I got my divorce from my first wife. If only I'd been open with this to my SO who's been my wife for 24 glorious years. If only I'd had the guts to be more open back when I was a kid, maybe I could have connected with my mom better through this.

Well, the if only's bit me in the behind, because I never really saw where i was headed, because I was looking over my shoulder the whole time. I'm learning to revel in my wife's support and trying to talk to her about more things, not just CDing.

So the idea is to move forward and not regret the lost time or opportunities. Hugs and support.

And with spring arriving, she's purging a lot of clothing and asking if this would fit me, or do I think I'd look good in that. My wardrobe has almost doubled in the last 48 hours.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Sam , beautiful post & no need to apologize for your emotions echoing within your soul. Those echoes get louder when we sometimes dwell on what might be or if I had only done that. We all experience those thoughts & moments. You have been on one hell of a cd rollercoaster ride over the past year. That ride includes periods of euphoria , new experiences with sometimes uncertain consequences & questioning the why of what we do. You are a special person; one can easily come to that conclusion from your many posts. You really enjoy being Samantha. What a wonderful feeling with no regrets. Peace, mel

[ReineD]

Rather, what I was trying to express, was a moment of wistful selfishness...a momentary lapse into wondering what might have been...not unlike those moments we all have when we wonder what might have been if we had, say...taken that different job twenty years ago, or actually gone back and apologised to that dear friend we lost, or proposed to that girl...only, in this case, with something that cuts so much closer to the heart. Its fine now. Really.
Its all good.

I'm so glad that you posted this. Your original post was beautiful and well written, but I too had the impression that you were not happy with your life and you would change it drastically if you could. And then I imagined how your family might feel if they read this.

I suppose this is why diaries should be kept private.

And even though your OP was written with feminine expression in mind, I could also relate. During difficult times I have also regretted not following through with some life changing options. But, then I remember that all lives have their pitfalls, even the ideal ones we imagine when we think, "what if".

[Farrah]

That was beautiful! I, like many others, feel the same way. You were able to put my exact feelings into words. I finally came out to my wife about 3 weeks ago. The freedom, not just of dressing, but to express my feelings how I've always wanted to. I think for me, the dressing is just a bonus. My freedom, emotionally, is valued above anything else. I have a peace of mind. I can now live...Thank you for that beautiful writing. Bless you and yours!

[MeganDay]

Sammie, pain shared is pain halved, and joy shared is joy multiplied. I'm grateful to you for sharing both the pain and the joy. Your story could be my own. I started all this back in the days before support groups, before forums, heck before personal computers. Sometimes, I imagine what things would have been like if I was 14 today and putting on panties for the very first time. But hey, I'm here now, and there ARE support groups, and there ARE internet forums, and I am DAMN well going to take advantage of that.

Thanks again, and I'm pleased to have had the chance to read it.

Megan

[paulaprimo]

wow sammie what a beautiful post! you've touched the hearts and minds of many and judging from the number of responces many members can relate to it...
i know that i can! as a very late bloomer myself i've had many of the same feelings and emotions that you've expressed so beautifully! i am so happy to hear that you
are happy and content now as i am also.

[SandraV]

Wow Sammie, what a beautiful post. Reading your OP made me tear up, then laugh at your follow up. As many have said, you captured many of our feelings as well as anyone could have. Certainly glad to hear you are doing ok.

As TG folk, we are blessed and cursed at the same time.... Still working hard to see this more as a blessing than a curse.... but I digress.

Thank you for sharing such personal and beautiful thoughts....

Hugs,
Sandra