Pits to peaks to deeper pits. (long - over 800 words)
This past ten days my mood has gone from okay to horribly worried, to better than my greatest dreams, and now to despair.
Things were okay, my wife and I were comfortably going about things as we have for as far back as I can remember. We talked, hugged, kissed; the normal things a married couple would do. She was aware that I was a crossdresser and that we had postponed further discussion until after her workload diminished. That happened a week ago Thursday.
I had heard from Samantha Rogers about a local support group called Crossroads that would meet the following Saturday. I wanted to attend and knew that my wife would innocently ask where I was going. I will not lie to her and believed that telling her about Crossroads would rip open the newly formed scab that grew after "The Talk" last December. This was an inflection point. Should I wait until a better time? Is there ever a better time? Shall I pull "The Talk - II" ahead? What could be the consequences?
I chose to reopen our discussion about my cross dressing.
I will spare you the details, but it was a very difficult Thursday followed by a very difficult Friday. Many tears were shed by her and by me. Our souls were bared, our emotions were raw. Everything came out. Harsh words were said. If the story ended there, it would end very very badly. But it did not end there.
After hitting the bottom but agreeing that we really do love each other we began rebuilding.
Saturday morning the framework for acceptance was formed. Expectations, permissions, and limitations began to emerge. We joined together to work toward a mutually acceptable solution that would respect her legitimate concerns and my legitimate needs. She wants to learn and do those things that will restore my happiness. I want to live a life free of lies and hiding while remaining very sensitive to her feelings and our marriage. I will continue to treat her as the most important person in my life.
We both went to the Crossroads meeting, but she left as the girls began to arrive. Her emotions were still too sensitive to stay.
We had agreed to completely open and honest communications. No question would go unanswered, all answers would be truthful. There were many very frank discussions during the following week. Very intimate details of our lives were disclosed. Tears were common, as were gestures of deep love and respect. We each made appointments with therapists, her first session was Thursday, mine will be on Monday.
We became closer emotionally than at any time in the past ten years. God blessed me with a wife that is beyond a doubt a better match for me than any other woman on earth.
We still have work to do on our mutual agreement but it will be done in the spirit of love and respect instead of anger and shame.
Sunday I went to another meeting, this one named Transitions. As the name implies, its primary membership and its focus appears to be those that are transitioning or have already transitioned. They were very nice and accepted this crossdresser with open arms, but I did not feel that would be a good match for me.
Monday I went to a psychologist that specializes in gender issues, and is a sponsor of that group. I told her that I went to that meeting, that I'm merely a crossdresser, and don't believe it's a good fit for me. She said I was mistaken.
She told me things I did not want to hear. She told me that I present as a classical case of crossdresser on a path toward transitioning. She spoke in terms that made it sound inevitable and she suggested that I begin HRT. I told her that I am Superman with super will power and I can will it away. I quit drinking and I quit smoking by simply never having another. She said those were behaviors and this is not. She said the feelings would continue, even though I ceased practicing. I would experience increasing anxiety until I came to accept it and take it to it's conclusion. I'm already so anxious that I can't focus my thoughts on anything else but this. It wakes me up at night. I'm shaking.
I'm a pretty stoic guy. I am able to shake off emotional baggage with never a thought. Yet, I cried all the way home and for the next hour after getting here.
I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. On proof reading this note, I sound rather pathetic.
I'm going to shop around for a psychologist that believes differently.
On a positive note. My dear wife told me today that she will not leave me. The woman is a saint.
Best wishes
MsVal
Originally Posted by MsVal
You have been incredibly strong and honest to share so much with everyone here, and it's those two things and your relationship that will get you through this...
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