Delusional

[Rhonda Jean]

Or at least reaching for something that's not there. Might have been there at one time, but not anymore.

I've got an appointment to get my hair cut this afternoon. Nobody's forcing me. This is entirely on me. My hair has been one of those "things" for me since I was a kid. Sometimes the most important thing (related to gender). Salon roller sets and updos, fancy braids, layered bob to mid-back. It has always been my thing.

I haven't had a salon roller set in a few years. One reason I haven't is because that last one didn't turn out so well. I thought it exaggerated how thin my hair was getting. This past weekend I had my first solo outing in a few years and tried to cram all my favorite things into it. One of those things was a salon roller set. Wondered if I'd even find a salon that did roller sets, but I did. After a lot of anticipation, the result was quite disappointing. I've reached the end of an era.

At home I've gotten pretty adept at doing my hair in a way that fools the mirror, at least with an optimistic eye. Honestly, I avoid close examination. It's time to face reality... sort of.

So, I'm cutting my hair short. I've had the appointment since Monday morning. Plenty of time to change my mind. I hate it, I've even cried about it, but that's life.

Now, I'm going to be wig shopping like a ... something that really likes wig shopping! Many (most) of you wear wigs, and look fantastic. That's what I'm hoping for because, frankly, I don't look even good with my own hair anymore.

I'm overly optimistic (read: delusional) about my fem appearance anyway. I not only want to look like a woman, I want to look like a young woman. I color my hair (which I'll continue to do) and tend to wear clothes, makeup and jewelry that is really 20 years too young for me. I'm not ready to quit that part of this whole "delusional" thing. I mean, the basis for a whole lot of the crossdressing experience is delusional. I just have to be somewhat reasonable about it.

I don't know when I'll reach that point in my life when I don't occasionally wear an obscenely short skirt. It's a treat for me. Like a decadent desert. I don't do it all the time, nor want to. But sometimes I just love wearing a skirt that barely covers my ass and the highest, thinnest heels I can manage. An afternoon of that is just good for my soul, even if everyone I encounter thinks I'm really reaching. I know I am.

I apologize for this being a rambling post. I'm nervous as hell about the haircut thing. Deep breath.

[Nadine Spirit]

Sorry you feel the need to cut your hair. I remember back about 20 years ago when I had hair down to about the middle of my back and I had the realization that I needed to cut it off. I was so sad. It was so beautiful. Nice, straight, long, and sun bleached blond. Actually it looked very much like the wig I currently wear, although not nearly as full. Thus the need to cut it. So I cut it short. I had it that way for a couple of years before I decided that it was too thin to even go with that look, so I grabbed the hair clippers and gave myself my first buzz cut. I was sad at the time, but honestly it was for the best. I have been very happy with my buzz cut. It is a very easy, quick, and convenient hair cut. And it makes it great for wearing wigs.

Sorry, and best of luck to you!

[Sheila11]

As much time as you have spent on your hair over the years I am kind of surprised that you would decide to suddenly whack it off. We have all seen the wonderful before and after pics that revolve around a new hair style. Talk it over with your stylist and see if she sees something different for you. Golden locks are priceless, a crew cut only makes you one of the crew.

[Beverley Sims]

Rhonda,
That is called progression.
When I was younger I got my hair set all the time and could even put it in rollers and leave them in overnight.

Frightened a few paper boys picking up the paper each morning.
If I did that now I would probably get arrested.

That's progress.

[Chickhe]

I hear you. I tried growing my hair and without a hair transplant, my male pattern is a dead giveaway. It takes some courage to let go. I decided I wanted to look decent as a male and a wig is easy. Get a good one, go to a shop and try on everything until you are happy. Then get the wig cut to your face shape. My wig is years old, I recently trimmed it to include face framing, it worked for many years because it looks natural and I didn't follow the current fads and stuck close to my natural colors.

[PamelaMiller]

Hi Rhonda,

I can't speak to the hair issue. I wear a wig. Even if I could grow my hair to a feminine length and get a feminine cut, there is nothing I can do about the growing patch of skin on top. And my male self is confident and secure enough to not care anyway.

As for wanting to look like a young woman, I hear you loud and clear there too. I think it is a common theme here. I choose the word "illusion", not "delusion". I recently decided to be more age appropriate with my clothing. I purged a couple of items that did not present me well. But I kept my very short mini skirt and my very high platform heels. I kept my little high-waist shorts. I might never wear them in public again, but I can still enjoy wearing those things for myself in private. In public I want to blend in, not stand out. I want to be perceived as serious about my presentation and confident about pulling it off.

During purges in my past, I would often project myself into the future. I would justify my purge by thinking that I don't want to be a 70-year old wrinkly man in a housecoat. But I'm a long way from there. So I'll enjoy being a woman for now and worry about later when it is later.

Wig shops and wig styles are plentiful. More plentiful than crossdressers. We're not their only market, so wearing one doesn't make us any different than many of their GG customers. I bought a Spanx last week. 20 years ago I didn't need a Spanx. Today I do. Even when I drop the 5 pounds that I want to drop (for my total health, not just for my femme presentation), I'll still need the Spanx. My shape and distribution have changed and there is no going back.

Enjoy being you. Accept that we age and change and work that into your overall style. And sometimes, have your decadent desert. Put on your short skirt and high heels, pose in front of the mirror, and enjoy the view!

Hugs,
Pamela

[Allisa]

I have to say this first just to get it out of the way, AAAAAAGGGGHHH,NO,NO,NO!!!! OK I'm better now, I cut my hair once way back in my 20's,and I'm still mad at myself. If you must than you must .It's just that; even though thinning; I love my long hair, we've been through so much, the teasing, the name calling, the threats to forcefully cut it off, it is my one very visible sign to the world of my feminine side. I could go on and on but I don't want to make you feel bad. Please do what you feel is for you and your well being. Good-luck

[MonikaTirola]

I think the only delusional thing here is that we cannot look like a teenager forever.

Many GGs cut their long hair as they get older too. But once you find out how much fun you can have wearing different wigs you will be that "something that really likes wig shopping! " (I am one of them too )

[PaulaQ]

@Rhonda - have you considered Finasteride and other treatments for your thinning hair? There may well be a LOT you can do to preserve it short of transplants. (Which are probably also an option for you - transplant technology has improved by leaps and bounds and is really, really good now.) Having your own hair is really wonderful - go see a doc who specializes in hair before you see your stylist and go to wigs forever.

[Wildaboutheels]

A Delusional CDer... watering here at THIS Forum?

Surely you jest RJ? Say it ain't so!

I see clear sailing ahead for you because 1] you are a Realist who 2] "get's it" and ain't afraid to show/admit it.

Maybe because I am a true bonafide sugarholic, I also have an affinity for desserts. I could probably live on desserts alone if I could control my weight while doing it. Sometimes we do have to do what is practical...

Sometimes being the operative word.

[Rhonda Jean]

Well, it's done. I've had my hair pretty short 3 other times in my life, so it's not like I don't know what I look like with short hair, but it's still a shock. I'm not feeling as bad about it as I thought I would. Y'all have been pretty positive about the wig thing, and the results (on y'all) speak for themselves. Just another thing to shop for, right?

And, very funny Wildaboutheels! Yes, baby, you bet your "Unsuitable Avatar" I'm delusional! I think I'll shop for a prom dress as soon as I get that new wig!

Another milestone crossed, even if it is in reverse!

[Debra Russell]

A wig ? just another excuse to pose and say cheese - please let us all see what you get....................Debra

[Sarah Doepner]

Rhonda you did a reasonable thing. I've kept my very thin hair long just because it's fun to play with at home but could never go out without a wig. The difference between my long thin gray hair and a short thick brunette wig is about 10 to 15 years difference in my looks. And I can, without much trouble, change to blonde or even redhead. I need to get a haircut, but everyone who knows my guy side thinks I'm just reverting to my hippie days and I just don't want to lose that image. Good luck with the wigs, they can add quite a bit to any delusion!

[devida]

My hair is certainly thinner on the top, but I'd rather wear a hat than a wig. But you want an illusion not, honey, a delusion. The difference between an illusion and a delusion is that you are in complete control of the first, but the second controls you. Go with the presentation of exactly what you want. It is okay to grow old. It is okay to wear a hat, or wear a wig to feel cuter when you look in the mirror. It's okay to shave your head. You know what you are doing. You do what makes you feel comfortable. Go for it!

[kimdl93]

I get my wigs from a shop that specializes in chemo and mastectomy patients. Coming in there with short or patchy hair is par for the course. Relax, it's ok to dress how you feel, as long as it fits your stature and the circumstances.

[Rachel M]

Before you cut it, did you try extensions or tracks to make it fuller?