When and how to tell your children

[Billiejosehine]

So I have started my process of transitioning and been on my own for a few months now. And things between me and my ex are still a little strained at times and hopefully our relationship will improve since we have to whorl together parenting our children. At the current moment, I only get to see them a couple times a week, until I am able to request more time in the next mediation. When I do see them at the ex's house I have been going drab and she expects me to present myself as a guy if I want to see them. On a few occasions my ex has complained about how my hair is dyed, my fingernail have clear nail polish and look better then hers, my eyebrows are trimmed, or how I'm wearing eye makeup (still left on after I thought I cleaned it off). There have been a couple times when I was underdressed or had on women's pants and she complained and got mad. I'm still stuck having to live to lives when I'm with my children. But I do plan on starting HRT by July and at some point I'm going to have at something to my children as I go more full time, but I plan on taking it slow in introducing Billie to them. Especially since my son is 5 and my daughter is 2. I plan on talking with my therapist, but I thought I might ask for some advice from those who have kids.

How did you approach the subject? When did you bring it up and how? Did you do it with the other parent? And what was the outcome and did it affect the relationship with your children (age may make a difference for this question)?

[Tina G]

I am going thru this in my head as well right now with my children.. 11, 7 and 6. Wife and I are going thru the divorce now and 2 weeks from friday my children will be staying over on the weekends with me and going back to mom. I will have them every other weekend so it's something i'm talking with my therapist about and other counselors next week. I wish i had an answer to help you or myself at this point.

[MatildaJ.]

Can you separate out the questions of how to deal with your ex from how to tell your children?

The separation / mediation / divorce process should allow you time at your place with your children; you shouldn't have to spend time with your ex in order to spend time with the kids. So my advice would be to focus your energy right now on how to get unsupervised time with your children each week.

As for how to tell the children, I think kids that young are very open-minded. You can explain that sometimes people get born into the wrong kind of body by accident, and for a long time there wasn't any way to fix that, but now through science, doctors have figured out ways to help people fix their bodies. As they get used to seeing you presenting as a woman, they won't even remember knowing you any other way.

@Jennylovestodress, since your children are a little older, here's a website for children of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and/or queer parents -- http://www.colage.org/. Hope it's helpful!

[Tina G]

Thank you Jess.

[mykell]

your children are still young, im sure your son has picked up some from your ex's negativity, and your daughter may not, tough question, i would wait for them too ask, children know more than they let on and are brutishly honest, we were that way with our son, (no he does not know about mikell) but with other aspects of sex we answered honestly and he would cut us off if he heard more than he wanted to know, and he now 15 and pretty tolerant of peoples differences, so let them choose and tell them the truth, no matter how you look you are theyre loving and trusted parent if you are honest, and no matter how you may feel about the ex i would recommend you never put her down in front of them, they will form there own opinion as they grow. hopefully she will learn to do the same,
im sure your therapist can offer guidance, and as jess has said it will be hard to keep each aspect of this separate, you do need to have time with them alone,
hope i was able to help even though our situations are not the same, think i did a decent job as a parent overall.....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi BillieI've been dressing for almost 67yrs.and my daughters are 47 & 45
I really don't to burden them with this.

[stefan37]

Billy is transitioning, her kids will need to know. When one transitions there can be no compromises to living an authentic life.

[Apache1201]

Hi Billie. I was in the same situation back in 1994 when I told my (now ex)wife about my alter ego, Leah. She did NOT understand; said I was sick and needed help, and she was taking the daughter and leaving. It broke my heart, but I realized that I had to be true to myself, and went forward with my life. I have since been able to reconnect with my daughter and talk to her, explaining what happened back then and why daddy had to leave. She was only 2 years old when we were separated, but now, 20 years later, we are like best girl friends. She "helps me" by picking out what I'm going to wear for the day if she spent the night, and I get to listen to her boy troubles. LOL! It is such a good feeling to know that she loves me for who I am, not for who I was born as. My suggestion would be to talk to your children as soon as you can, and explain to them what has been going on with your feelings and what you found out about yourself, and see what their reaction is. They may surprise you by accepting you as their "mommy" right away without prejudice or questions. On the other hand, if they DO have questions, I would answer them as truthfully and honestly as possible. That will do two things: 1) It will be easier to remember the truth than any lies you may tell, and 2) It will show your children that you respect them and love them enough to be honest with them. They will end up being that much closer to you.

I hope this helps you. I would be interested in what happens with you. Until I read any more of your posts, I hope you have a wonderful life, and that HRT does for you what it has done for me. XOXO...

[Eryn]

You have two separate issues and the most pressing right now is your visitation rights. Until you are given a reasonable amount of time with your children that is not subject to your ex's unreasonable and nit-picking demands there is no point in complicating the issue.

Nothing you are doing is illegal or immoral, but your ex is very likely to consider it so and fight to restrict your parental rights accordingly. I hope that you have a good lawyer on your side who will fight for the visitation that you, and your children, deserve.

[giuseppina]

Eryn provides sage advice.

Your children already know something is going on. They probably don`t have the vocabulary to express it, especially for your younger child. They are aware of the tensions between you and your ex.

There is a very real risk that your ex may try to teach them about societal stereotypes around transgenders and in so doing, alienate them from you. That is abuse, IMO.

These situations require a good barrister/solicitor to advocate for you and your children. The court should be informed that the ability to parent is far more important than the sexuality or gender status of the parent, despite those who have an axe to grind claiming otherwise. Expert testimony will likely be required if push comes to shove.

[missmars]

Hmm............

[Farrah]

It depends on their ages and if they're able to understand what is really going on. Of course, I don't really know because I've never had to address this issue. I hope everything works out for the best.

[missVS]

Tough situation and really the children are top priority so work that out first and see them as much as possible without the transition interfering so much I think. They are young so understanding all is impossible. I told my daughter when she was 17 and no problems. My son 14 has no idea and I think he would have issues so every situation is different and challenging.

[Beverley Sims]

At this stage, do not give your wife any ammunition to restrict access, in my opinion go quietly for a while get your therapist's opinion and be guided somewhat by what is suggested. I think you have the correct thinking now.