So I've been here for a bit, contributed to discussions here and there (hopefully in a positive way), and in general come to enjoy my time here a lot.
So now it's my turn to ask a question, and perhaps get a little wisdom from the girls here (genetic and not-so-genetic welcome to reply)
I've only recently started to dress again, after about a 30 year gap. To make a long story short, I dressed a lot when I was young (started at 14). I came to really enjoy it, I loved the feelings I got (sexual and non-sexual), and would have probably continued on into adulthood. I slowed down to a complete stop after a horrible incident where I was caught by my father wearing mom's clothes. Without going into details, suffice to say that the shame and guilt piled on for days afterwards were horrible, and on top of that the physical discipline just made it all worse. Over the next few years, I furtively bought panties (ostensibly on an errand for my mom) from time to time. Occasionally wore them, but just as often tossed them in the trash without even opening the package. Eventually, I stopped completely, and never thought about it much again.
Recently, I began exploring bisexuality. I had always been curious about it growing up, and had a few furtive encounters (like 4-5 in 30 years). For some reason, those desires resurfaced recently in my life. Mid-life crisis running a little late? Sudden brain chemistry shift? Heck if I know. I started having erotic dreams of sex with a guy. Now I've had erotic dreams before, but rarely, and from what I remember of them, they were always hetero in nature.
I talked this over with my wife. We've had a polyamorous marriage for quite a while, so I've had a few relationships outside of my marriage, always with her knowledge and awareness. I've never cheated on my wife, in the entire 10 years we've been together. So I told her about the dreams, and the new-found desires. She agreed that it might be a good idea to experiment (safely, of course), and see if it was something I wanted to pursue.
So, I did. I went to a local bar that is gay and bi friendly, and met a very nice crossdresser. She and I talked for a very long time, got to know each other some, and she invited me home with her. I went, and after an initial sexual encounter, we were talking in her bed. She said flat out that she'd love to dress me up and have sex again. This took me aback somewhat, but the idea was rather appealing after all those years. Now I'm not saying that suddenly, all those repressed memories burst forth or anything as dramatic as that. What did happen is that it reminded me of how good it felt! The next morning, we said a very nice good bye and I went home.
At the time, all my wife wanted to know was had I had an encounter and did I enjoy it. She didn't want details, but she was happy that I had a good time.
Of course, one does not take the genie out of the bottle and simply put it back again without... repercussions. I'm 51 years old. Not a scared kid any more. I wanted to do it again. The dressing, not just the sex (although that was wonderful!), but the dressing. Not all her things fit me, but she did have a pair of panties and stockings that felt sooooo good to put on. I wanted that feeling more and more.
I did, very briefly, use my wife's panties (she had a few pairs that fit), but quickly realized this wasn't a temporary thing, and bought my own, along with some stockings, and a pair of dressy heels. I then bought a black a-line skirt, a pair of flats, and a pretty purple top with some embroidery on it.
Yeah, this is not going away any time soon, and I don't really want it to. The guilt and shame are still there to some extent, but I'm working through it. They're more like a reflex at this point, and I know where they came from. My father is long out of the picture, so that's not a factor any more.
I don't see myself as trans-sexual. I've never felt displaced or in the wrong body, most of the time I'm happy being a man. From time to time, though, I love to let my inner girl (for lack of a better term) out into the world. I've always been more (to use a hackneyed phrase) in touch with my feminine qualities than most guys. Honestly, it's something that's served me well over the years.
So, to get to the actual point of all this... my wife has been away visiting family for a couple of weeks. The encounter I refer to happened right at the beginning of her trip. I've been dressing again for that time. I've read some stories here about girls who told their SO years after they started dressing or met for the first time, and I've seen how bad getting caught can be, first hand, and by the experiences of others. I've decided this is something I need to tell her. Our marriage has always been based on honesty and communication. It hasn't been perfect, and we've had some pretty rocky times. We got some counseling that helped us work through some of our issues, and we're still going strong. I don't want this to be something I hide from her.
So I need to tell her. I want to tell her.
In my mind, I am confident that this will not be a huge issue. She's a kind, loving, compassionate person. She has experience with knowing crossdressers, and has been friends with a couple.
My feelings, however, are not so easily soothed. I still remember how it felt to get caught. I still (even though I know where they came from) have feelings of guilt and shame. I'm still scared she will reject me.
It's not a rational fear, mind you... and I know that. But it's there, and I'm trying to deal with it.
So hey, any advice? Pearls of wisdom? Dire warnings? Advice welcome and eagerly sought, either here or in PM if you prefer.
Megan