got assaulted by my ex's brother

[Billiejosehine]

I was told by many that the road of transition will not be easy and I have already experienced a lot of issues to me comming out to people being transgendered. While there has been a great deal of support, there has been a great deal hostility and non acceptance from my ex and her family. Like on Friday, it was my day to visit my children at my ex's house, not the best idea, but I was trying to work with her. But being the controlling person, she was making demands that I refused to follow. Well what soon followed was her mother grabbing my face and saying something in Spanish, but quicky left after I told her to be quite and back off.

Short time later her brother showed up and started getting in my face, making comments about how I wear boots, dye my hair and how it looks a lot nicer then any other girl at his work, how I wear women's clothes, and that I don't deserve and should not be allowed to see my kids. He believes he has every right to make such a statement because my kids are his family and what I'm doing is wrong and they don't need to be exposed to the things I do or who I am.

He was trying to provoke me into fighting him, but I refused. So he process to call me names, how I'm weak, what I was going to do about him being in my face, and how manly it was to put my hands on my hips. He was seeing this was going nowhere and told my ex to take the kids and leave so he can take care of business and at that moment I tried getting by him. He instantly threw me to the ground, warped his harm around my neck and started chocking me (I almost passed out), and telling my ex to call the cops. A short time later the cops came and told me put my hands behind my back, asked if I had weapons, patted me down, told me to sit on the curb with my legs crossed, treated me like I was the problem and they would testify for my ex if asked. It was so humiliating to sit out on the street and see the neighbors come out and look at me.

Even though I did nothing wrong, my ex's brother was the one to assault me (my glasses got damaged and I have bruises on my legs), I was the one who got in trouble with the police as if I have no rights being the father. So on Monday I scheduling a court date Thor custody, filing assult charges, and get this situation resolved. Until then I'm no longer allowed over to the house , nor am I allowed to call to talk to my children.

[Bonnie J]

Wow...double wow. I do hope this somehow gets some sort of resolution! It look like it will take awhile to come to some sort of agreement that is fair to all. Divorces are ugly and painful. I wish you the best of luck.

[Katey888]

I'm so sorry to hear that, BillieJo - although nothing was really predictable here I think you've tried very hard to be reasonable but now there's no way that reasonableness is going to be reciprocated.

This may sound severe, but for the moment you have think of yourself, your security and your legal position in all of this, and for you and you only. The interests of your children and your future relationship with them (if there is to be one) will be best served by looking after yourself first.

The best legal advice, the best representation you can get and be sure and take the advice that's given, however harsh it may seem - it shoud be in your best interests.

I'm sure there'll be other members here who can offer better local legal insights than me on your best course of action - but I continue to wish you well and hope that you're feeling better after that - it's a horrible, traumatic thing to go through when you've tried to do the right thing throughout this.



Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Billie Jo, Make sure to keep a log write everything down dates and time it is very important.
I wish you all the best in this journey.

[Eryn]

I hope that you've got a lawyer in on this too. If you have visitation your ex bears some responsibility for allowing a situation to exist where you were likely to be assaulted. That needs to be addressed.

The authorities are mostly concerned with stabilizing a domestic violence situation at minimum danger to themselves. Unfortunately, from their point of view you were the weakest person present so the easiest to subdue. The court will sort it out eventually, which is why you need a lawyer on your side.

[PaulaQ]

Get a lawyer. A really good lawyer. Sue your ex, sue your brother-in-law, sue the cops. Contact Lambda Legal, in your area - they can help.

[mechamoose]

The common legal term for what you need now is 'restraining order'.

Don't let ANYONE get between you and your kids. They will sort out the 'odd stuff' when they are of age. Right now, you are the ONLY other person with full legal rights to your kids other than Mom.

Don't get bullied out of that 'protected' space, hon. Those are YOUR kids.

- MM

[Farrah]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Its just not fair that they're keeping you from your children. I'm wishing you all the best. I hope you get talk to/see you children real soon!

[Tami Monroe]

I'm sorry to hear you went through this. This is the kind of thing I am hearing more commonly by men in divorce/custody situations, regardless of CDing or not. It is also becoming more common for the cops to overstep their bounds before getting the full picture. What your ex's brother needs is the assault charges for sure, and a formal complaint filed against the cops.

[samantha rogers]

Wow, BillieJo, I am so sad to hear this and my heart breaks for you having to go through this. I echo what the rest of the girls have said. Get good legal help and nail that brothers hide to the wall.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

This is so heartbreaking to hear BillieJo, I am sorry for your situation. The police can be thugs sometimes and it sounds like they were in this case if they said they would only testify for your ex's brother. They will also lie about what the legal actions may be to scare you off, it's an old tactic of crooked cops. Best if you can document the bruises and damage to your eyeglasses. Next time go to a hospital and get it documented if possible. You will need a lawyer to deal with this and sooner is better than later. I suggest contacting a local LGBT support group and see if they have a legal rep to help you, they may have a volunteer lawyer. You do want to get a legal restraining order if possible to keep that a'hole ex-brother in law away from you and your kids. Even if you don't think he will stay away you need to go through the legal steps when these things happen.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you,
Hugs,
Stephanie

[Taylor Ray]

I am very sorry about the severity of your situation. I echo the advice given in this thread: be very careful how you play your cards moving forward. Many of my clients get involved with DHS and the courts, and it is not a fair game. My advice: step back for a few weeks and use your intelligence to devise an appropriate strategy. The legal system will not always help you. Strive to maintain your privacy and your parental rights. Do not get pulled any further into their "game".

[Tami Monroe]

The police can be thugs sometimes and it sounds like they were in this case if they said they would only testify for your ex's brother. They will also lie about what the legal actions may be to scare you off, it's an old tactic of crooked cops.

I am seeing stories almost daily, about police abuses of power, up to, and including, shooting people, seemingly indiscriminately. There are also stories of cops (it seems almost weekly) of raiding a house that turned out to be the wrong address, and the family pet was killed, or some other atrocity. Almost invariably, it seemed the police and/or the city wanted to try and seperate themsleves from responsibility of being liable for these mistakes. I should not be talking about this on this forum, but it is something I am very passionate about.

[giuseppina]

Hello Billiejosehine

I am saddened to hear of your trials. What happened to you borders on assault, if it doesn't actually meet the test in law.

I agree with the others that you need a barrister/solicitor. I will go a bit further suggesting someone or a firm that specialises in domestic violence cases. It seems to me this calls for a no-contact restraining order or the local equivalent against your ex's family and supervised (by a licensed social worker or the equivalent) access to your children for them. They may not have the vocabulary to express it, but they know exactly what is going on. IMHO, the antics of your ex's family is child abuse even if they are not directly involved.

If your doctor will see you quickly, before the bruising is anywhere close to disappearing, that is a good way to document the assault if the cops won't do it.

It sounds to me your ex-brother-in-law should be compelled by a court of law to shell out to fix/replace your eyewear, but this type of person rarely admits to anything like this unless they are convicted in a court of law, and even then, there are no guarantees. I know eyeglasses aren't inexpensive, mine are bifocals.

I wouldn't go back there without a witness or, failing that, a hidden recording device on my body. If the witness has to be a lawyer or social worker, so be it.

Notification of Children's Aid or whatever the agency charged with that responsibility is an option. The environment provided by your ex's family is clearly not in their best interests.

We only have your side of the story, but there is no excuse for this kind of behavior, and especially not from those charged with the professional obligation of stopping it when it occurs without relying on stereotypes regarding the likely instigator.

[Tracii G]

If you have the bruises to prove it and he as no signs of bodily harm I think that works in your favor.Take pics of any harm to yourself.
I'm surprised they didn't haul him off too.
My guess any witnesses weren't on your side.

[mykell]

hey billiejoe, fortunately you have documented things here and they will count,
i might suggest you set up some type of video in your car any time you do see the children or your ex,
(spy vs spy) scenario sucks but may prove to be a necessity,
if it happens again outside proof will be available, sometimes law enforcement is tainted.
remember they (your children) will know the truth in the end, unfortunately it will take time for the results,
please continue to be brave and do take the advise for legal counsel,
I wish you the best, you have done nothing wrong accepting to be true to yourself....

[giuseppina]

That's a good idea, Tracii, but seeing a doctor about it has a lot more evidentiary value in a court of law when the police are biased or indifferent.

Chances are an expert can put a time frame on a bruise based on the appearance and the likely cause as well. If their professional opinion corroborates the patient's story, so much the better.

[Marcelle]

Hi Billiejo,

I guess my question is . . . do you have a lawyer? If not, get one fast as this could spiral out of control real fast without someone looking after you legal interests. As much as it might be hard, I would back off contact with your ex and children until you get proper legal counsel to spell out your rights when it comes to your children. Once those rights are established, then you ex (and her family) have to comply or I would assume they are in breach. When seeing your children I would not agree to go to your ex's house if family is going to be an issue. Hammer out an agreement that you either pick-up or see your children in a public venue and drop off at that same venue and always have a witness to avoid such confrontations again.

Not sure how things work down in the US but, I am surprised that you were the only one who was technically detained and treated as the assailant. Normally police try to mediate domestic issues and only arrest/detain if someone is a threat. I would get your lawyer on this one as well. Best thing is to let your legal counsel deal with this. Obviously your ex's brother is a bit of a wild card so I would avoid at all costs and like others have said document everything.

Hugs and good luck

Isha

[Annaliese]

I am sorry for what you are going through, but don't let this stop you from, being your self, hugs

[donnalee]

Do not hesitate; get in touch with an attorney who works with transgender folks and or someone like John Burris in Oakland who has made a very good living for years out of suing police departments for abuses. Your brother-in-law committed assault and battery on your person and it seems he and the cops violated a court order as well if you have filed for divorce. File charges and sue, this is the best way to protect yourself and your children.
Incidentally, does your BiL like beating up on girls? There may be some domestic abuse charges in his past; checking might be worthwhile.

For the information of those outside of the SF Bay Area, Vallejo is a small city in the NE corner. It was a Navy town before Clinton closed the local Mare Island Naval Base 20 years ago, has been in economic trouble since, and several years ago went bankrupt and had to reduce the size of both Police and Fire Depts. Those left have seniority, which makes an earlier prejudice more likely. The other factors is that those employees who can leave have a big incentive to do so and are generally the younger, better informed ones. It is also that your MiL was the complaining party, likely exaggerated the situation in her and her son's favor, and the dispatcher may have had a distorted view and reported a "domestic disturbance" call from an older woman.
For those outside the US, although the desires and motivations of legal systems are pretty near universal, the procedures differ widely, as do rights under the law.

[Billiejosehine]

It's time to get my ducks in a row and use the same system my ex is trying use against me. She also knows the system since she is a licensed social worker. I have talked to a couple lawyers so it's a matter of going with one. Especially with issues at my job, my marriage, now the issue with the brother and police. When it rains it pours and I often think what it would be like if I Just kept my true self hidden even if my life was miserable and I was unhappy. But then I realize that it's society's way of trying to stop me and put me in he place they think I need to be. This road has not been easy, but I still try to remain positive. Thank you got all the great advice. I'm also considering calling the transgender law center again. I had called before, but where not able to help. Maybe with everything else that's going on they will help.

[mechamoose]

My ex-wife had a BIG chip on her shoulder because I am Wiccan. She made my daughter (then 12) return books that I gave her because she wanted to understand where I was coming from better.. "Inappropriate" she said. It didn't fit with her religious view at all, and considered it 'sinful'.

But MA laws protected religious expression in children's matters. She had no right to deny my teaching our child about that.

I could have just backed off, but I didn't (big surprise, right?).

You have RIGHTS. You are a parent and you have EVERY right to be yourself without sacrificing that. You dress like a woman?? BFD. Those are still your kids. They will adjust and accept you when they are old enough to be independent, sparkly heels and all. Honest.

Protect your cubs, hon!

(BTW, my daughter now identifies as Pagan, much to Mom's chagrin)

<3

- MM

[5150 Girl]

Well, as per the cops reaction, I have a felling your ex most likely lied to them and said you were assaulting her, her mother, and that the brother was simply restraining you so you could do no further harm to them.
In domestic cases the one with "the junk down below" is always presumed guilty until proven innocent. It's not fair, but that's how it is.

[SandraV]

I am so sorry you are going trhough this. My hearth goes out to you. Best of luck

[sometimes_miss]

I almost came to tears as I read the first post, as if all my fears had come crashing down on YOUR head, Billie. After all, we get told constantly here, by an awful lot of people, that 'all we have to fear is fear itself'. And yet, here's an exact example of what a lot are afraid of; a bunch of other people ganging up against us, being physically assaulted, then winding up in legal action which may or may not go in our favor, and in the meantime potentially taking our kids from us, for no other reason than that we crossdress. IT IS NOT A CROSSDRESSER FRIENDLY WORLD.
Billie I wish you the best of luck. You're going to need it. I really wish everything would magically work out ok, but on the contrary, it sounds like a lot of time in court in the future.