I think I am finally figuring myself out. As a man, I have always had to kind of observe other men and take cues on how to behave from them. I've always noticed it, but I never really gave it much thought. I felt like everyone must do the same thing. I did wonder, though, why everyone seemed to just inherently know these things and they didnt really come naturally for me. My family raised me to be a man's man. And so, like a good son, I became one. I played sports, lifted weights, and even served in the military. All of these things made everyone around me happy. They were proud of me, and I even excelled in these endeavors. All the while I was crossdressing like crazy in private. I always felt ashamed of it, and I purged tons of times. I never was able to figure out why I had the urge to dress and as things progressed I became even more confused. Lingerie evolved into full outfits and experimenting with makeup. At one point I even went so far as spending all my private time en femme. I must say that that period was probably the most content I've ever been, but I still yearned for more. Eventually I got married and told my wife in an effort at full disclosure. I was met with utter disgust and rejection, and so like a good husband I agreed to counselling and to stop all together. My one counselling session was a disaster...no understanding at all! I then poured myself into pursuing manliness again and trying to be all the things that my wife wanted. Eventually, though, the urge would return and I would resist as long as i could bear, and then give in. But i always purged right after due to feeling like a failure as a man and husband. Sorry for the long story, but now we arrive at the present. The urge returned and, this time, it was more evolved than ever. I was doing a lot of reflecting and introspection and I came to the conclusion that perhaps if I had a tolerant and understanding family that my life may have been wildly different. Who would I be today if my feminine tendencies weren't oppressed so vehemently? I am now of the mind that I would not have done the majority of things I've done in my life. I think that crossdressing may have been a manifestation of the real me. What has led me to this idea is that I truly wish I were a woman. I think about it all the time and when I dress, I just feel whole. It is quite depressing actually. Crazy that I did not see it sooner. My entire life has been an act and I can't see a way to fix it without losing absolutely everything. I'm dedicated to my marriage but, God forbid, if it should fail I don't think I'd be able to pretend any longer. I'd probably have to move and sever all ties with everyone in my life, but I think I would be happy. For now, I am still settling for the few moments of sheer bliss when I find myself alone long enough to be who I was always meant to be. Whew! It was good to get all that out! Thanks for reading, Girls