Who Do You Blame?

[Julie Gaum]

A very recent tragedy highlighted a plight familiar to younger CDs. I’m curious as to how many had similar experiences as I, but if you happened to have been dealt at birth a hand involving an unbalance in hormones or genetic markers then please do not reply for evident reasons.
In grammar and high school I was neither physically or mentally an achiever --- more of an introvert with little attraction to girls. When I did date my mother’s corset restrained my impulses to perhaps a goodnight kiss. I called it my “iron maiden”. Then came the war and that imprint was obviously still with me. Offered an English farmer’s daughters to show his gratitude to me and a fellow airman I quickly opted out to the consternation.of my buddy. I did pick up an Alabama gal when rained out of our home base only to let her sleep off a “bad period” in a hotel room --- too scared to do otherwise. And so it went until at 21 a much older woman in a college boarding house took away the virginity of a willing pupil.
Looking back to all those years I certainly didn’t put an onus on all the females in the world but rather on a deep seated desire to cross dress. So my question is: How many others remained virgins until their 20s due to our rather unique inclinations?
Julie

[ReineD]

Your story mirrors my SO's, minus the war experiences. And I do notice posts from members here, who say they also did not pursue girls in their teenage years like the other boys and who weren't motivated by the same desire to sow their wild oats so to speak ... for a variety of reasons.

Why do you think this is?

[typhoidmary]

until I first experienced sex (I was 18, my interest in CDing had barely started) I never had much interest in it. I didn't even really understand... self pleasuring, shall we say, until my late teens. I think I always had quite a childish view of dating and sex up until then, I wanted a girlfriend but more for the company and comfort of it all. I don't really know why I was this way, maybe I just matured a bit slow.

really interesting to read your story Julie

[Alice Torn]

I am 60, and still a virgin. My older sister, is 65, and a virgin. I had a few chances to go all the way , but stopped short, because of morals, fear of getting someone pregnant, and guilt. I did not date until 27, and sadly, she died of drugs. Certainly have had great frustration, anger, and feeling cursed at times, but did date quite a bit in my 30's, but no sex , and just handshakes, hugs, and a few pecks on the face. I have had a number of older men friends, who also are virgins , and old now. There are more than most think. I know a lot of GG's don't need a man anymore, are sick of male attention constantly aimed at them. A lot of men are frustrated, because they are rejected so much. It is awful, that a few get violent toward women, though. No excuse for that. Some men snap. I know that one reason i dress in womens clothes, is too feel like there is a lady on me, next to me, and i can be a lady for a few hours at a time. Being on disability, low income, I have almost quit hoping for a SO or wife.

[Barbara Dugan]

I never had the opportunity to crosdress and always wonder why I didn't had the the desire to chase girls but to be honest neither guys were interesting to me. Till the time I was on my late 30's and put on some women clothes that I had found and discovered the key to my sexuality....I love masculine guys

[Julie Gaum]

Hi Reine. The purpose of this query was to invite members' input as to why they also may have been late bloomers and whether CDing was a major factor. Actually, when I finally found the thrill of sex I became very selfish in that my desire for fulfillment far outweighed my partner's interests. I was probably looking to take the female's role in sex play without being aware of it at that time. Hope we can get a number of responses and if their reasons were similar to mine.
Julie

[Jenniferathome]

Nope, I was a very typical horny teen. The fact that girls could see me coming from a mile away kept in check until I was 16.

[Christen]

Hmm .. No, from me. Being a CD certainly didn't put a hold on my male 'inclinations'. Maybe my affinity for femininity actually worked for me as a young man, perhaps I was a little more in tune with girls than my friends.

[Alaina R]

Yes, I think CDing can have an effect especially if it is tied in with your sexuality. In my case it is very tied in so I knew if I got serious the CDing would need to be brought into the discussion. I was not comfortable with that and so tended to shy away from relationships for fear of exposure/rejection etc. My first sex was at 21 with a girl I got serious with at college. Luckily she was okay with the CDing when I revealed it. After that relationship ended (for unrelated reasons) the same issue existed for me as I got older and it continued to cause me to shy away from some situations that might have worked. There were other instances where I did get involved and really think I'd have married once or twice if not for the CDing. I eventually did find a woman, now my wife, who was a good match and likes CDers but it took many years and was kind of a fluke.

[Rogina B]

Have had fun with girls and boys since age 14...Glad I did..no regrets..

[Lorileah]

My Tgism had nothing to do with it. It was my upbringing...and teh fact the girls wouldn't date me

[kimdl93]

I liked girls, wanted and eventually had intimate relations with girls, but had this nagging desire to be a girl. Very confusing but it wasn't sufficient to keep my hormones in check.

My biggest fears were a) getting someone pregnant and b) STDs...and that was pre HIV

[ReineD]

Hi Reine. The purpose of this query was to invite members' input as to why they also may have been late bloomers and whether CDing was a major factor.

Well then, my SO told me that he was hugely shy with girls all through high school. He felt all tongue-tied around them. He also was intellectually endowed (a math and physics nerd and I say this in the nicest way), and it took longer for his social skills to develop. He told me that he never thought a girl would be interested in him, to the point where this caused him a great deal of stress his Freshman year of college. He didn't start dating until several years into college. I don't know if CDing was a factor.

[Diane Smith]

I was not sexually aggressive as a young man, and then when I reached my 20s, the few girls I was genuinely interested in were already taken. I lost my virginity at 21 and have had a few physical relationships since, but nothing that ever felt like it would be permanent or lead to marriage. I'm 57 now and still unattached -- no wife, exes or kids. I would not be opposed to finding a partner even now, but age and my own perfectionism about finding the right match probably dictate that I'll live the rest of my life alone.

- Diane

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Julie, I dont really know if CDing had an influence or not. At that time in my life I had no idea what exactly CDing was about. I did remain a virgin to the age of 21.
I had many GG friends in high school, possibly more than guy friends, I'm sure some of them really liked me, and probably wanted me to date them. I sure a few were confused because I just thought of them as a good friend. During school hours I enjoyed spending time with the GGs, rather than with the guys. This could be because of where I lived, none of these GGs were anywhere nearby, only a couple of the guys were close to home.
It's interesting to take a look back, and think! Thanks Julie!
Much Love,
kristyn

[sometimes_miss]

I didn't reach puberty until I was 17, and development after that wasn't terrificly quick, either. Add to that, the tiny penis insecurity, and it took me until 24 to manage even attempting sexual intercourse, and of course, the first experience was a failure, a condom that didn't cooperate, and standard missionary style was simply not a good idea. I hadn't accounted for the mental gymnastics that were required for me to pretend to be doing one thing in order to appear to be a 'normal guy', while fantasizing the roles being reversed. I've never felt normal being the aggressor during sex.

[Teresa]

Julie,
Thanks for posing the question.
I had a GF at about 5 until secondary school, just hand holding and kissing but I did become sexually active at about 9.
Secondary school was all boys, we were worked hard six days a week so not many had GFs. I made up for when leaving school, but I guess through school I remained a virgin till my late teens. My CDing remained constant from the age of 8, somehow I managed to find GFs that liked CDing, so I never felt held back by it.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Julie, were you embarrassed by the CD so avoided sex? Or was it because crossdressing WAS sex for you and you didn't really need a partner?

My H was also a late bloomer apparently though I sure didn't notice this by the time we met But then, he's since acknowledged that CD is very much tied to his sexuality. If you look up paraphilia you'll find most men with one struggle to start a typical sex life as their fetish essentially fulfils this need, at least temporarily.

If it wasn't about sex, then I'd be curious as to what came first - did the crossdressing compensate for not feeling appealing to women, or did the crossdressing MAKE you feel unappealing to women?

Or neither??

[mikiSJ]

I was always attracted to girls in high school but I was fearful of a real serious relationship and the discovery of who I really was. I was an attractive guy in my late high school year and had plenty of opportunity to go all the way - unfortunately going all the way also meant never achieving an orgasm. In fact, my first orgasm occur during my first marriage, and I even faked it on our wedding night.

[mariehart]

In your case Julie I don't think delaying was that unusual with the WW2 generation. Different attitudes prevailed back then I think. But oddly enough I think I too would have declined the offer of the farmer's daughter too.

I was very late in having sex not through any lack of interest but simply opportunity and my innate ability to completely miss the signs. Neither my gaydar or straightdar worked at all. I think my first sexual experience with a man was in my mid thirties and my first time with a woman with full sex was aged 42. Even then I was dating her for months before I made a move.

Was it anything to do with CDing, well maybe. But when I first started wearing girl's clothes. I rationalised it as being an attempt to get close to girls by becoming one even though I always fervently wished and wished I would wake up one morning as a girl. Ah the confusion of puberty!

More than anything though I think it was my personality that held me back. I am shy, feel I'm ugly and unattractive. Why would anyone want to have sex with me runs the line of thought. On the other hand is this way of thinking the result of my gender dysphoria? It's a chicken and egg situation. Which came first?

It's difficult to say!

[Lynn Marie]

I was sniffing around the edges as early as 14, but managed to avoid getting into trouble until 22 or so. I then made up for lost time with a passion!

Seems as if I've been a late bloomer all my life in just about everything. I really can't blame it on anything in particular, maybe just caution and a little understanding of the consequences of my actions. As with most everything else, my CDing also blossomed late in life.

[CarlaWestin]

If you look up paraphilia you'll find most men with one struggle to start a typical sex life as their fetish essentially fulfils this need

I think most people, not just men, struggle with puberty and maturity. Is a paraphilia not a good thing to have? I had a burning desire to be near females that trumped all the usual boy pursuits. Along with a desire to be submissive and the short cut of crossdressing to become my own fantasy woman, I had a lot of unacceptable fantasy urges. But, the whole dating thing, as approved by society, was so excruciatingly complex and disappointing. My generation wanted to dance, drink and smoke whereas I just wanted to be a pretty damsel in distress. I never did meet that perfect life partner although, I absolutely love and adore my wife.

When I did date my mother’s corset restrained my impulses to perhaps a goodnight kiss. I called it my “iron maiden”.

OMG! Corseted by your mother? Maybe that had a little psychological effect?

[Confucius]

Well, I started cross-dressing when I was very young (3-4 years old), and when puberty (and all the testosterone) arrived it changed my cross-dressing to become much more sexually arousing.

Like many cross-dressers I was a shy, quiet, and sensitive boy. I was in introvert in high school and had a low self-esteem which made me very uncomfortable around girls. It wasn't so much about being a late bloomer, as much as it was just being shy. I was attracted to girls ever since I was 5 years old, and when testosterone (that puberty thing) hit, it made me more uncomfortable dealing with my sexuality.

There was a time in my life when I thought that there was something wrong with me, and that lowered my self-esteem. I thought I was the only person in the world who cross-dressed. I thought I was a freak and my cross-dressing gave me feelings of guilt and shame. I thought it was a substitute for my need for human intimacy, and I believed that if I had a girlfriend then my cross-dressing would disappear. Today those misconceptions are my greatest regrets.

[calliekat]

I blame my sisters and mother. I have two sisters, no brothers. My father was never around much so I never grew up with a "father figure. I grew up with my sisters and my mom. I never did the "boy things" I probably might have if my father was more part of the family. My mom never treated me like a girl, and did her best. But being around her and my sisters so much, I'm sure that highly influenced my desire to start dressing.

[Katey888]

Not me I'm afraid, Julie...

Late teens for me and although I was painfully shy I did so want to date a girl in 6th form (I think that would be high school for y'all over the pond..) - tried but blew it, but then was given my introduction to that climactic part of life by two older women (not at the same time, I hasten to add) when I was 18. Thinking back to those days, I have to admit that... errr.. correctly occupied clothing was quite the thing for me, as you'd expect for a normal reaction, I suppose... I can't honestly say that the two aspects crossed until a bit later while in a relationship.

I'm not sure that I'd anticipate any direct link between our degree of sexuality and TG/CD nature - although I can understand that there might be either a substitution approach happening for those who were not successful, or an opportunist approach (when an SO's apparel may be inadvertently left available) for those who were... I don't know about blaming anyone or anything, though.... isn't it a bit like blaming your parents because you're blonde or not blonde...?

Katey x