Why do some people have to be jerks?

[Kali]

My wife and I stopped at a local craft store (national chain) on Saturday so she could pick up a couple of picture frames. As we were checking out (I had walked past the checkout to the magazine rack and was browsing), the checkout girl yelled, in a voice suitable for gating attention across a crowded room at a dance club, "Where did you get that top? I really like it."

At first I didn't realize she was talking to me, when I did I was a bit flustered to be asked where I bought a generic V-neck t-shirt, but realized that the girl wasn't quite sure if I was male or female and wanted to hear me talk to verify her suspicions.

As I was about to respond with "Please use your inside voice, dear", my wife answered the question and we left. The interaction aggravated my wife, primarily because she worries about me, but I just brushed it off. But I know that it upsets her, and is one of the reasons she has to really make an effort to be in public with me; she doesn't want to be the center of attention because of me. She's naturally a very private person.

She has her own dichotomy to deal with, wanting me to be safe and happy and dealing with the trans issues and the impact on her. Overall she does a pretty good job (and married me after we found this out about me).

We went off to a couple of big malls and did some more shopping, with no more than the confused looks I'm used to from people that notice me (most people see what they expect to see). Got the usual "can I help you ladies" or "let me know if you need a dressing room" while at the clothing stores and no outrageous reactions from anyone the rest of the day.

I've found that most people just don't care or notice and those that do, well it's their problem not mine. But I hate when it impacts my wife in a negative way.

I'm just venting. I know there are no solutions.

[Teresa]

Not a pleasant experience, I'm glad you got over it!
I guess there have to jerks to set a level to work up from ! Some people don't select brain before engaging tongue !!

[CrossJess]

Only solution is not to dress like woman...hehe only joking, sadly you will get this hun there will always be jerks!

[stefan37]

Maybe, she s seriously wanted to know where you got your top.

[amyjacks2014]

^.^

Re: "I've found that most people just don't care or notice and those that do, well it's their problem not mine. But I hate when it impacts my wife in a negative way."

That is exactly how I feel about it. Amy is a part of my self that has been locked inside for far too long. I am not going to let her continue to be locked away, and I only do so partially in the house so that I am not making my roomies uncomfortable, and even THAT might change, depending on how things go.

I went down to Safeway, and I ran into some people that I thought I knew better than I apparently do, and your attitude is exactly how I feel about it. If they or anyone has a problem with how I dress, that is their problem, not mine.


Amy M. Jackson

[Beverley Sims]

Kali,
You tackled that problem correctly and I do feel for you in situations like that, especially when your wife is trying so hard for you.

[Jaylyn]

I agree she may have liked the top and wanted to know where it came from, if it's the one in the avatar, then I would love to know where I can get one. I think we are also somewhat more defensive and look first for the bad than is really there because some of us still carry a small piece of the guilt deep inside when we dress. With that said there are still some jerks in the world and they enjoy toying with anything that's different from themselves...

[Melissa_59]

Some people derive pleasure in causing suffering and misery in others. I think it's a sign of a twisted mind, and those people need some wall to wall counseling.

~Mel

[NV Susan]

When people are jerks like that it makes me wonder what self doubts they are hiding.....

[giuseppina]

I would be inclined to report the behavior to the manager. The way it sounds, it's none of her business.

[Wildaboutheels]

Repeat after me... I CANNOT READ MINDS. And neither can your wife. You have likely been watering here too long and have come to believe [like many here] that it's possible to know people's motives.

It IS possible that she was simply curious and left her couth at home isn't it? It may not bother you at all but if these type encounters upset your wife, it's probably better for her if she does not shop with you.

Isn't it?

Seems like the obvious solution to me.

[Tami Monroe]

I'll be honest, and hope you all don't think I am too pessimistic or bitter, but I have given up on humanity because of this type of thing, along with the general stupidity I see on a daily basis. People seem to be getting moe crude, use less common sense, and are generally getting more mean/horrible as time goes on, or with each passing generation. They do stupid things without thinking, or derive pleasure from the misery of others. Ummm...it's been a bad week. Sorry for venting.

[ReineD]

Only solution is not to dress like woman..

This was my question too, or rather, do the negative experiences have a negative impact on your desire to dress?

I know that many CDers are read when they go out, and sometimes people are jerks (it has happened to me and my SO), but I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I just don't get it (sorry). If there were negative consequences to any of my actions, I think I'd stop. So what is so compelling that makes you want to continue to CD in public, when stuff like this happens? You clearly seem distressed in your OP, just as I would be in your shoes.

Hope you don't mind my question, I really am trying to understand.

Note to forum: my question is not addressed to TSs.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kali, You just can't fix stupid.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kali. I am not saying this particular person was not a jerk but I do find that we who go out can be hypersensitive to peoples attempts to normalize our presence. I have had SOs tell me (in louder than normal voice) "oh I really like your scarf" when it was just a non-descript solid colour scarf. There was no real malice in their statement just an attempt to put me at ease with some common small talk. Now if you truly felt she was baiting you to hear your voice then it is possible she was being a bit of a jerk but then again we are a bit of an oddity when out and about.

Like you I find most people don't care and if they do they have the common decency to keep their comments to themselves, except for teens who tend not to operate with filters (but I cut them slack due to their age and crazy hormones). Jerkiness can be a bit unnerving but in the end you survived it / weathered it well. The unfortunate thing is that we have to have a thick skin as we will always inevitably get read.

This was my question too, or rather, do the negative experiences have a negative impact on your desire to dress?

I know that many CDers are read when they go out, and sometimes people are jerks (it has happened to me and my SO), but I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I just don't get it (sorry). If there were negative consequences to any of my actions, I think I'd stop. So what is so compelling that makes you want to continue to CD in public, when stuff like this happens? You clearly seem distressed in your OP, just as I would be in your shoes.

Hope you don't mind my question, I really am trying to understand.

Note to forum: my question is not addressed to TSs.

Hi Reine,

I can't speak for the OP but I can respond on my accord. I have had plenty of great interactions and many "not so great". However the great outweighs the not so great and that is what keeps me going. For me I feel it is my right to dress how I please and if people don't want to accept it, then that is their baggage not mine. I do it because it makes me feel good. To draw a parallel, I have parachuted both military and civilian for a better part of 30 years it is both exhilarating and frightening. I have broken several bones including a cracked back, had three main chute failures and several close calls. However I still go back to jumping . . . why? Because it is the closest I will ever get to flying and peace and tranquility I feel when that chute opens is amazing. I guess for me CDing is similar (although different) . . . I like to do it, it can be a bit scary, bad things sometimes but when I am out dressed as Isha, I feel like I am flying and when things go good it is amazing.

Hugs

Isha

[ReineD]

Thanks for your explanation, Isha!

[missVS]

I'll be honest, and hope you all don't think I am too pessimistic or bitter, but I have given up on humanity because of this type of thing, along with the general stupidity I see on a daily basis. People seem to be getting moe crude, use less common sense, and are generally getting more mean/horrible as time goes on, or with each passing generation. They do stupid things without thinking, or derive pleasure from the misery of others. Ummm...it's been a bad week. Sorry for venting.

Tami just expressed my view at times of the way people are today. I really see it has gotten worse in our self absorbed society. The way people act, drive, lack of any sense or compassion. We as a society should be getting smarter but there seems to be a regression.

[BLACK STOCKINGS]

Some people are just born jerks, others work it their whole life......

[kimdl93]

I doubt there was a malicious intent. The loud person was, in her somewhat socially inept manner, offering a compliment.

[Melissa_59]

This was my question too, or rather, do the negative experiences have a negative impact on your desire to dress?

I know that many CDers are read when they go out, and sometimes people are jerks (it has happened to me and my SO), but I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I just don't get it (sorry). If there were negative consequences to any of my actions, I think I'd stop. So what is so compelling that makes you want to continue to CD in public, when stuff like this happens? You clearly seem distressed in your OP, just as I would be in your shoes.

Hope you don't mind my question, I really am trying to understand.

Note to forum: my question is not addressed to TSs.

What if the person used a racial slur? Would that sort of negative experience prompt them to not be of a certain race anymore - yes, which is quite impossible - or maybe to just never go out in public anymore?

And this person who provided the insult is simply trying to provoke a reaction and create an embarrassing situation, which is what many people who use slurs do.

Should we all just fold up our tents and go home when someone tries to insult us, regardless if we're dressed or not?

~Mel

[Nadine Spirit]

I agree that at times many people are jerks, but I don't know if this was one of those times. Though being there and hearing the tone and such would make a difference.

I personally really try and give people the benefit of doubt but if sales associates are actually being rude then I talk to the managers.

For the couple of you who say they are bothered with the whole of humanity, really? Because of a few jerks? Seriously? Well my time being out and about, frequently I might add, people have changed my perception of humanity for the better. On any given day, if I happen to encounter a rude person, which I rarely do, I easily encounter hundreds more who are really nice. May e you need to change your mindset. Just sayin.

[ReineD]

Should we all just fold up our tents and go home when someone tries to insult us, regardless if we're dressed or not?

No, of course not.

[Pippa A]

Hard to say for sure, but it sounds like the checkout girl was trying to do that thing where she pretends she's being nice but is really being a jerk - somethign she'd deny profusely if tackled.

Sometimes when this sort of thing happens to me, I choose to engage them in conversation as if I've taken it as a compliment.

This forces them to either start being genuinely nice, or to reveal themselves as a jerk. Most people like that are cowards and don't want to look like a jerk so you end up winning someone over. Maybe, just maybe, they'll go home with some food for thought about how they judge other people.

[ArleneRaquel]

Being/acting like a jerk seems to be the "in thing" in the USA today. Manners are relics from the past.