CDing and the Relationship - Perspective of a late bloomer

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

I have been reading a few threads here and there is quite a bit of topic conversation around if and when you tell your SO and what that means. Rather than pile on to others great threads I though I would provide a perspective from my own life guided by words of wisdom from my lovely wife during one of our weekly CD conversations.

My wife and I have been married 24 years and I did not tell her until last year. Now, in fairness I am what you call a "late bloomer" and really did not know. I dabbled once when I was 17 but it was more a sexual role play thing with a very creative gal and when you are a 17 year old guy . . . anything sexually oriented is a great time. I may have had inklings in my past (liking my sister's clothing more than mine), using lingerie for sexual stimulation, but in actual fact I did not wander around going "Hmm I think I am TG". Early in our marriage my wife and I had a very close relationship we shared everything, had fun, travelled and just enjoyed being. But my job in the military leads me to live a secretive aspect which she does not know much about and as time went on and combat tours mounted there was a breakdown in communication, intimacy and closeness. I was angry all the time and it was taking its toll. I was seeing a therapist for combat related PTSD counselling but there was none to be found and then quite suddenly when we were talking about my past all these bits and pieces of TG from my life crept in . I was subsequently referred to a gender identity therapist to explore those issues (I am not going to bore you with the details of discovery but rest assured it was the result of a long process) . . . when I discovered that I was TG/CD last year I went to a very dark place (shame, horror, embarrassment) after all I was a guy in a uber-macho military job there is no way I could accept I wanted to dress like a girl. But she was there (Isha) and she felt right and for the first time in a long time I was both horrified but happy/content. Now what to do about my wife, emotionally I had nothing and I just broke down one evening and told her everything . . . she was and still is supportive as she now has the "man she married" (her words not mine) back - fun loving, happy, content, caring and sharing her life, not shutting her out "the rest is just exterior it is the interior that matters" (her words again)

I did ask her if she would have married me all those years ago if I told her I was TG/CD. She replied that if I just blurted out "I like to dress like a girl" probably not as that would have seemed weird . However if she took time to get to know me (the person inside) and then I told her once we got more serious she would most likely have said "yes" . Her take is that we all change physical and emotionally in a marriage. We are not always the same people 25 years out, we may put on weight, loose our hair, develop quirks which may annoy each other. However marriage is about loving the person and that is the "internal self" not the physical or what society says the physical should be. If you are a caring decent person who respects others, shares and cares . . . then what does it matter how you are dressed. Don't get me wrong if the CDer is selfish or is an utter self-centered jerk then yes "exit visas should be imminent". But then again you don't need to be a CDer to be a jerk as many men and women are quite capable of that in a relationship without being TG.

So what is my take home point with all this crazy Isha rambling? Should you tell prospective mates you are CD? Well I would think that if CDing is an integral part of your life (emotionally) and you know it always will be then "yes". However I will tack a caveat on that statement. Telling someone the moment you meet them "Hey I like your dress and I have the same one in blue" is probably not the wise course of action. Allow that person to get to know the real you and when thing progress beyond casual dating then it is probably time for the talk. This will allow the person to make an informed decision with all information "good and bad" on the table. It could still go bad but then again it might not.

You may ask . . . "But Isha where does that leave those who have not had that conversation with their wives?". I cannot provide anyone in that circumstance with an answer as the amount of vested emotion in each relationship is different. I can only say from my own experience I was at a point where if I did not tell her it would have killed me emotionally to go on hiding it. This would have caused undue hardship on my marriage and most likely would have lead to divorce regardless. However, if things are good and going smoothly, you are a caring soul there for your SO, your family . . . a person who can be counted on and not spending all your free time and money on CDing to the detriment of your family . . . then I default back to what my wife said "you are the same loving and caring man your SO married the exterior is superfluous".

Hugs all

Isha

[Tinkerbell-GG]

You're sort of one in a million here, Isha You and a handful of other H's are seriously showing me how NOT big of a deal this can be. Funniest thing is, I'm starting to realise that the REAL people showing me this are your wives. Their stories, that I hear through you, the husbands, are so much like mine. And yes, I'd have ditched my H if he'd told me too much on the first date. As it is, and I have to remind myself this when I'm feeling down, when he told me a month later, I didn't leave. So I must have been able to see my soul mate through all that, despite having a repulsion to crossdressing. I could still see him, as could your wife all those years later.

Anyway, thanks for this post, and thanks to your wife. Please tell her I'm forever grateful to her for showing me, through your words, how not weird I am for staying, for fighting for my marriage, and for still loving my H despite all my conflicting thoughts. I say this to all the men here with wives who've helped support us, the confused GG's. Please tell your wives, thanks. They might not post here, but wow, they're helping all of us.

[Christen]

Bravo and thankyou, Isha. As you've said being the best person you can be is the most important thing, looking after those you love and being there for them is paramount. Personal foibles, well don't make an ass of yourself and generally all will be OK.

Christen x

[Parker]

Well thought out and well said. I too am a late bloomer. I have recently come out to my fiance'. I figured I should tell her before getting married. She has been so supportive, and it has made our relationship much stronger. She takes me shopping, I always knew she love Victoria's Secret, and now know why. She has helped my fashion sense, ok given me some fashion sense. She has been amazing and has taught me how to be more feminine than ever. How to wear jewelery, the right jewelry to wear etc... She also taught me that I didn't need 5" heels to look sexy. That a pair of sandals or wedges can do the job too. I am very grateful and thankful to have her in my life as I travel this road.

[Kate Simmons]

You are right on the money Hon. It's about really knowing , loving and caring about the other person. As you say eventually we all get quirky sooner or later but love conquers all if it's deep and true. Almost seems like a happy ending to a fairy tale, no?

[Jane P]

My thoughts are all over the place this morning as I have read through a few threads and responses which leave me feeling angry and confused and more fearful than ever on what the future may hold in my marriage to my wife . I have not changed , or the person that I am has not changed since meeting my wife to be so many years ago. I have made compromises many times throughout the years to keep peace in the relationship and continue to try to make things work .

Back in the beginning cross dressing was not first and foremost on my mind . I knew I had tried on women's clothing and even played with styling my hair ( back when I had hair) . Looking back maybe I should have questioned her intentions when she sprayed me with her perfume that time early on which left me smelling pretty for the rest of the night. Should have asked when I woke up to find she had made up my face or other little things that pushed a feminine image upon me.
Of course those things were just done in fun . How was she to know how it made me feel that she might be accepting of my feminine side?

We enjoyed each other's company , we enjoyed being together . I was more outgoing and adventurous back then and gave up on many of the things I enjoyed doing so we could be together . Should I have told her That I was a cross dresser and that doing this was so very important to me ? Truth is at that point in my life , it wasn't of much importance at all. Through most of our time together it has not been all that terribly important ,but it was always somewhere inside of me . Is it important to me now? How important will it be to me in the future? I DON'T KNOW !

I think about it more now . Thanks to the Information Age and the internet I KNOW I am not the only one who enjoys this part of themselves , but I do not have a five or ten year plan on what I would like to accomplish while dressed in women's clothing or presenting as a woman. All I would really like is to feel comfortable with myself as I am essentially the same person I have always been . I would like to continue to share my life with my wife .

We can not change the past. If my relationship were to end and I were to find myself in a new one then by all means I would share what I now know and am trying to accept with this new person . What I have done is to try to share what I now know and am trying to accept with the woman I love and have loved for many years . I am not trying to force her to love this , but I hope that she will see that I am really not all that different than I have ever been.

This portion of my rant is over and thanks to the internet I feel calmer for getting it off my chest.

[Jaylyn]

Isha this is one of the best articles I've read on here about CDs. I can relate a lot of it to my situation also. I am still my wife's man but from time to time we both enjoying dressing and playing out fun roles. I can say it has lead to some very interesting role play. My wife knows I am still man inside and still love the great outdoor things men do. She has even learned to be a woman's man as she now hunts and fishes with me also. I taught her to be an outdoorsman and she taught me to be a lady. We are very much in love and have been enjoying each other's company now for over forty years. I guess if there is such a thing as a soul mate then I found mine. You and I know that marriage is tough but when both partners know what's inside of each other then it is easier to be comfortable and at peace with yourself when every thing on the home front is that way also. Thanks for your great well written words.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Nice one Isha.

I too, am a late bloomer, but not about the CD, and not about being TG, as I don't feel it applies to me. No, I've been in and out of female clothing since I was 8 or so. I'm late to relationships. I've had some short term things earlier, but stayed away from them for the most part, because it didn't seem worth the effort. The girls I met didn't seem to have anywhere near a connection to me. Then I met my SO. Thought she looked good, check, had sense of humour, check, very, smart, check, similar interests, check. In between all these realizations, I kept saying to myself, "No, you work together, stop this, it'll cause problems"

Eventually couldn't leave it alone any longer, because it was causing problems, I couldn't concentrate on work! "Hey, there's this restaurant I've been wanting to try"........?

It started off slow, and we didn’t actually date for a bit, as she was not long out of a string of disasters, but as it started to pick up speed, I realized I had only one chance at this, I HAD, to tell her. No point in taking this much of a chance, then leaving this land mine down the road. Nada, nothing, no difference. "Oh cool!" was her response. I picked my jaw off the floor, and we carried on with the conversation...

Not saying everybody should tell, if you've been going on for a bit, but I feel it it is the only way to have a real relationship. Big step though, you can't un-ring a bell.

[Princess Grandpa]

A wonderful read Isha. Thank you. Much in their I can relate to and appreciated reading. I know what it means to have that type of relationship with your spouse. I am so glad I was so late in discovering this. I doubt either of us were prepared to deal with it 25 years ago.

Hug
Rita

[Roxie]

I am all so a late bloomer as I was in relationships for the last 30 yrs. As i now live on my own, Roxie has become a huge part of my life and it gives me pleasure. I find myself much more happy and relaxed. Even though I haven't lived on my own for long I know someone would have to accept me who I am before I got into another relationship.great story.

[lacie21cd]

Isha I definetely relate this to my situation, however, I have always known it was there and I just pushed it back for the "greater good" so to speak (kids, society, etc.). She has been so accepting since I cam out to her I feel cheated out of time I could have spent dressing, even sexually many times we love to reverse gender roles. My wife knows I am still the same person on the inside and I do have my man moments (sports mostly). I could not imagine still keeping this hidden. She now realizes that it has been Lacie who makes me so kind and compassionate and in love with shopping. She is most certainly my other half, which is very hard to find in this world. I think for those who are dating, etc. you should tell them when the relationship starts to become serious.

[Beverley Sims]

One point that came out of your post for me was the "secretive" life of a serviceman.

I know I was indoctrinated with the don't share with or tell anyone syndrome from an early age.

You could tell me a "secret" about someone and it would go in one ear and out the other.

I still only tell my wife something "if she needs to know" and I am often told off for not sharing what I consider "mundane" information with her.

I say you have been well indoctrinated and it will unlikely change.

Like me you will probably never want to share "gossip".

[ReineD]

"the rest is just exterior it is the interior that matters" (her words again)

However marriage is about loving the person and that is the "internal self" not the physical or what society says the physical should be. If you are a caring decent person who respects others, shares and cares . . . then what does it matter how you are dressed. Don't get me wrong if the CDer is selfish or is an utter self-centered jerk then yes "exit visas should be imminent". But then again you don't need to be a CDer to be a jerk as many men and women are quite capable of that in a relationship without being TG.

Well said, Isha!

But there is another consideration and this is the time devoted to the CDing. I think it is easier for a wife to handle if there are ample times happily together in male mode too, which is your situation. Difficulties arise when the need to dress increases to the point where there is little masculine/feminine balance or when the husband's need is beyond the wife's comfort zone ... or, should the husband be in a foul mood when not crossdressed, despite dressing regularly throughout the week.

Another issue is a wife's ability to live with the stigma. Some GGs don't care if the world knows that their SOs dress as women, but some do and they feel awkward going out in public with their husbands dressed. This can be problematic if the husband wants to do most things outside the home dressed, even if the wife is fully supportive of her husband's need to express himself.

So I guess it all boils down to an ability to compromise.

[heatherdress]

Thank you Isha. I understand and appreciate your personal struggles and thank you for serving our country. I also can relate to much of what you said. My wife is responsible for encouraging me to crossdress - the first time, as a late bloomer - and she continued to teach me, support me and have fun with my discoveries, awareness and personal growth. She has been involved and supportive - always. We discussed, we questioned, we had fun - together. She encourages me to be dressed because she knows how happy I am - and it makes her happy too. All of this has increased our intimacy and strengthened our relationship significantly. Thanks again for your excellent thoughts and thank you for being you.

[Marcelle]

Hi all and thanks for your responses. I do want to note that I am no way saying that everyone needs to go tell their SOs immediately if you have not done so. That is a personal decision based on a lot of factors which no one person (except the individual) has the right to pass judgment. This was referenced to my own circumstances as I knew I had no choice and it was time. Some may never require "full disclosure" as they are happy, healthy as is their relationship. So if any were offended . . . apologies

My thoughts are all over the place this morning as I have read through a few threads and responses which leave me feeling angry and confused and more fearful than ever on what the future may hold in my marriage to my wife . I have not changed , or the person that I am has not changed since meeting my wife to be so many years ago. I have made compromises many times throughout the years to keep peace in the relationship and continue to try to make things work ...

Hi Jonnie. Sweetie, nobody is asking you to change and that was not the intent of the thread. I only wanted to point out that in the end we are the same person our SOs formed a relationship with a superficial difference. If the internal you has not changed then that is a good thing and canhelp to ensure your relationship can survive this revelation.

. . . But there is another consideration and this is the time devoted to the CDing. . . difficulties arise when the need to dress increases to the point where there is little masculine/feminine balance or when the husband's need is beyond the wife's comfort zone ... or, should the husband be in a foul mood when not crossdressed, despite dressing regularly throughout the week . . . Another issue is a wife's ability to live with the stigma . . . So I guess it all boils down to an ability to compromise.

Hi Reine . . . completely agree. If CDing is beginning to consume a person at the detriment of the family and job causing irreversible damage . . . having the talk is the only way forward at that point.

Hugs

Isha

[Donnagirl]

Isha,

You have an uncanny ability to get right to the crux of a problem and articulate it, and the solution that suited you so well. I do so enjoy reading (and learning from) what you have written.

I had planned, written and re written my input into this, but after the last few months of mistakes, reactions, recriminations, reconciliations and rebuilding I'm thinking perhaps I need to let things run their course for a little longer to ensure the new happy medium, the new middle ground that has been agreed upon remains up in the happy end of the spectrum.

I can only stress that (for me and the SO) communication was and still is the key, don't make or rely on assumptions, don't believe she has an understanding of everything (or anything) that goes into the psyche of a cross dresser and don't think a lack of interest and support is being based on information, fact or reality.... Talk, talk, talk, talk, and talk but more importantly listen, listen and listen more!!!!! And then do some more listening!

Relationships are based many things including trust, compromise, understanding and communication. I suffered badly after trampling over all of these in a blind and selfish bout of self gratification. It was so nearly catastrophic...

I hope to post a happy conclusion soon... So far so good. We are through the tunnel and enjoying life in the bright light at the end. With effort and understanding I'm sure this will become the new norm... I know where the boundaries are, what is within the comfort zone and what is not, what is acceptable and what is not. These have been discussed and defined collectively and are easily accommodated.

I do believe I'm on the way to the supportive spouse I so envied only a few months ago. So much of that is thanks to you and the rest of the great gals here...

Wait out...

Hugs,

[kimdl93]

Despite the commonly held belief that we should come out early and completely to prospective partners, I think Isha's experience and outcomes are far more commonplace. Many of us have inklings, early signs perhaps, but darn little actual valid knowledge about what we are feeling. So we go by prevailing, misinformed or bigoted notions that abound regarding gender and sexuality. Who wouldn't want to hide or deny something they don't comprehend but fear is some vaguely defined perversion.

So, life goes on. We learn and mature. We know we aren't pedophiles, have developed a sexual preference, and begin to feel more comfortable in our own skin. Or, as in Isha's case we face a crisis and the repressed or barely acknowledged comes tumbling out. Now, the dilemma of coming out to a partner is complicated by a history, your partners understanding of you and of herself, and all to this still dis colored by societal presumptions and prejudices. Not an easy task.

I'm lucky. I came out early in my first, long marriage and prior to my present, long marriage. I've been accepted, mostly, although there have been bumps along the way, generally associated with misunderstandings and the seemingly inexorable progression or revelation of my gender identity.

What holds our relationship together, and I'm told by a professional gender counselor, what holds most TG relationships together is the underlying, strong emotional attachment and commitment to each other. With that, marriages can endure. Without it, no marriage can endure.

[bridget thronton]

Do not underestimate how hard it is to share the secret with loved ones. For myself I could not deal with hiding and secrets so eventually around 14 years ago (after 25 years married) I began to share with my family and they loved me all the same.

[Rebekah_uk]

Isha

Telling my wife was probably the single most terrifying thing I have ever undertaken, was telling my wife needed, and I have to say yes it was. Before I told her I was miserable and depressed, taking out my frustrations on my family. I have two young children and I believe it was affecting my ability to be a loving and understanding Father. As I was always thinking how can I look them in the eye and tell either of them. It's okay for them to be different if one of them tells me "Dad I am different" whether it be TG, Gay..etc. when I couldn't be honest with myself. Now that I have been honest with myself at last the cross-dressing issue doesn't tear at my mind, now I find I am much calmer and don't lose it so quickly anymore.

My wife and I have had some good open discussions on the subject and are slowly coming to an understanding about my issue, the day after I told her. She said that could not comprehend living with that torture and was glad I had told her. When she said that I just wanted to hug her and hold her close. Our last discussion on the subject, we took a huge step forward where she allayed one of my biggest fears. I thought that maybe she was ashamed of me and she said absolutely not, she confirmed she is not ready to take part in my dressing yet. She said that she hopes to get to that point sometime in the future and like the rest of you have said over and over again.....baby steps and communication. She made one stipulation that I dress like a fashionable 40 year old lady and I confirmed that was always my intention.

Isha and the others here have given a lot insightful and very helpful advice, I have had to deal with this issue for many years and I am in my best state of mind mentally since I told the lady I love with all my heart.

Thanks Isha

Rebekah

[UNDERDRESSER]

I agree that telling can be a terrifying experience. It wasn't easy for me either. I was pretty sure she would not tell everyone, almost as sure she wouldn't freak, and fairly sure it wouldn't be that big a deal for her.

I was less certain that she would be accepting of it in a prospective partner, which was where most of the terror came from. I had realised that she was a one in a million type of girl, at least from my perspective, but I couldn't see it working with that level of secret underneath.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Isha, That is a very interesting thread, I too was a late bloomer I didn't get started till I was almost 5 years old.