Why are women so quick to kick us to the curb like garbage?

[Stephanie47]

I did not want to hijack Tinkerbell's thread, "Why do you need us?" Yes, this site is not a reflection of how women feel about cross dressing men. Not at all. In my personal life all I've ever heard or seen is the marriage is quickly ended. Of course, there are probably many marriages, such as mine, where the "secret" is shared. Years ago I listened in on a conversation my wife and her cousin were having concerning her cousin's co worker who lived several houses away from us. The coworker discovered hubby was a cross dresser. Oh, my! How terrible. How disgusting. How can she stay married to him? Well, the women kicked her man to the curb like Wednesday's garbage pickup day. My wife asked many years later why I did not express myself more concerning my cross dressing. I asked if she remembered the conversation she and her cousin were having/ No, she did not remember. But, that conversation was ingrained in my mind and still is. My wife told me she probably would have divorced me when she realized I was a cross dresser, except for the fact she had disclosed to me her life prior to she and I meeting. It was not pretty.

She would have kicked me to the curb, ignoring all the great positive attributes I had and still have.

So, Tinkerbell, why are women so quick to kick their man to the curb like Wednesday garbage???

PS: In our neighborhood trash is picked up on Wednesday.

[mikiSJ]

Some, only some women are ready to kick us to the curb.

My sample size is small, but I think when the marriage disintegrates so rapidly, it is not because of the CDing, but something else that can remain hidden now that the CDing is at the fore and becomes a great reason to split.

[NicoleScott]

Oh, the irony of the trash analogy. My first wife found out about my crossdressing when she picked up trash after a windstorm blew over our garbage can. In it was a pantyhose package which was not her size. Confronted, confessed, busted. Counseling at her insistence did no good, as her objective was to cure me and mine was to get her acceptance. Doomed for failure. So we divorced. I think it was her "it just isn't right" upbringing that rendered her unable to be married to a crossdressing husband.
To my current wife, it's no big deal, just something I like to do, and it doesn't threaten her at all. I'm just a typical normal guy who likes to dress up occasionally.

[Sc0rp10N]

Cross dressing had nothing to do with my first marriage ending, but sex certainly did. My second, current and final wife is the only person that has ever seen me dressed and she isn't about to "kick me to the curb."

[PaulaQ]

A great many women, as well as society overall, find the idea of crossdressing to be repulsive. Our wives often feel entitled to a future they'd imagined with their spouses, and having a TG spouse ends all chances of that future, in their minds. Anger and grief ensue over the loss. We are simply not viewed as being the same person, in many cases. This is much more pronounced for those of us who transition, but it is definitely alive and well in the "just a CD" world.

[Ressie]

Put yourself in a woman's shoes! Now how would you feel if your man turned out to be a woman? (BTW, how do you like those shoes? lol)

[TessaGirl]

Also, women may quite often be more conservative than men. Perhaps even for some younger
ones (not all!) nowadays, it goes against their idea of what society should be like. That's just
speculating, I don't know.

[Marcelle]

His Stephanie . . . interesting question . I personally think that not all women are ready to "kick us to the curb" but many will definitely have a "what the " moment when they find out. You have to admit that this is going to be a hard pill to swallow especially when you find out the life you expected to lead with your partner has just taken a tangential dive off a cliff. This is not like telling your wife you have been "sneak smoking" for the past five or so years.

I truly believe if the relationship is strong, the SO can see beyond the clothing and the CDer is willing to work toward a mutual compromise then then you may not find yourself out with the garbage. However, it is plausible that this is just a road some women cannot travel. You cannot fault them for it as it is a difficult thing to accept. When I told my wife I was prepared to let her go if she could not live with this, not because I did not love her but because I knew this was not going away and if I tried to supress it I would have been miserable and would make her life miserable in the process. Fortunately she stayed and fully supports.

Hugs

Isha

[Lorileah]

Put yourself in a woman's shoes! Now how would you feel if your man turned out to be a woman? (BTW, how do you like those shoes? lol)

Not buying this argument. Most CDs don't turn out to be women. Now if you say that about TSs I get it. This isn't an "I am woman" thing. It is a "I like to look like a woman" or "I like the look of the clothes". Rephrasing the response above: How would you feel if your wife crossdressed?


I was avoiding the answer that I have given for over 5 years on this type of OP. They are kicking you to the curb for MORE than the clothes. Usually (once you get past the social mores) it is a matter of losing trust. I was hoping a GG would address this.

[ReluctantDebutant]

How many cross-dressers would like to be in her shoes? The wife comes home and says she needs to unload a secret, she like to dress as a man and wants to express herself in more masculine ways. it not that she just wants to wear slacks and a golf shirt from time to time. She wants to cut her hair short or wear a bald cap, she wants to have facial hair and bind her breasts, she wants to let her body hair grow and wear an anatomically correct prosthetic in her boxer-briefs. She wants to talk and act more like a guy, or at least how she perceives typical male behavior. She may want to adopt a more manly role in the bedroom. She may fear what friends and family might think so you have to help keep her secret at the same time she seems to be dressing more and more now that she outed herself to you.

Would you still be attracted to her? Would she still ignite that spark? How would you feel being married to a wife who wants to be more "manly" (stereotypically)?

I know there's a subtype of cross-dresser that this would be a dream true. But I would say from experience that CDing is a deep attraction towards the feminine and seeing a woman reject femininity might cause more discomfort in a CDing husband.

I myself would understand and be nice about it. But any attraction would be gone. That extra something that made the relationship husband and wife would be gone. The relationship might turn to just friendship. I would say a marriage needs more. It may be that my own cross-dressing is giving me more empathy to her situation. It may be if I never felt the need to cross-dress myself I may feel more harsh feelings of betrayal in this situation.

We are only human we may talk here of a gender spectrum but in the end there is only two sexes. And in those two sexes have a hardwiring of traits to look for in the other. I would say nature is hard to overcome.

[Emi_]

First of all, I have been married for 12 years now. My wife discovered my cross-dressing in our 2nd year of marriage. She knows, accepts, and even encourages me to cross-dress. She knows that I love her and put her first and that there is nothing wrong with wearing these clothes. She also readily admits that what hurt wasn't that I do this but that I lied to her about it.

I firmly believe that marriages that fail because of cross-dressing have other issues, particularly in areas of trust and compromise. All marriages face challenges and there are always going to be difficult times so it's not like cross-dressing is the only kind of stress that can test a marriage and a lot of marriages survive all kinds of pains and struggles. Marriages that fail will usually have histories of problems that were dealt with poorly - that includes refusing to deal with a problem either by ignoring it or lying about it.

Furthermore, when we do not communicate openly, honestly, and intimately with our spouses about our cross-dressing, we are perpetuating a lie. When the truth is found out, the sense of betrayal had got to be overwhelming - the basis of trust is shattered and the reality that one had accepted is now gone and all of it has happened by force against the spouse's will. It is not at all unfathomable that that kind of hurt can lead to immediate and violent rejection - we aren't who we said we were and now nothing we have said or done can be trusted by them.

In short, I believe that we cross-dressers can be very short-sighted and selfish. Many cross-dressers would rather have their way and have their cross-dressing than to be a full participant in the joint venture that is a real and healthy relationship. The actions of many cross-dressers have already effectively kicked the wife to the curb so it is little surprise that we would get kicked to the curb when she finds out.

[Kate Simmons]

I see a storm a brewin' with this one.

[Marcelle]

Right you are Kate . . . got my umbrella and rain jacket.

Hugs

Isha

[Eryn]

There are a wide range of marriages, and the level of commitment varies from the traditional "Until death do us part" to the more modern "Until my spouse does something I don't like." There are exceptions, but it also seems that the age at marriage also has an effect on how motivated the partners are to compromise with each other and keep their relationship intact.

I think that we hear more of the marriages that self-destruct simply because they are more interesting to discuss and the partners are more apt to vent their frustrations to others. People who are happy in their relationships don't tend to talk about it so much.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

It is hugely about lost trust for many GG's, especially after years of knowing one thing and then discovering another. The sheer weight of that shock can literally shatter a wife's love, perhaps forever.

That said, when I joined a few spouse support groups some years back, I was surprised with how many women DO choose to fight for their marriage. I would actually guess most give it a go. There was even a questionnaire we all filled out at one, and the result was less than 10%. actually divorced their crossdressing H. That shocked everyone - even we had assumed at the way everyone talked of their marriages that divorce was common and imminent. Turns out, we're all talk, lol.

I do think though, that finding a woman who is actively looking for a crossdresser will be a bit like a needle in a haystack. I think once we're with you, and have feelings for you, it's easier to feel the loss of the relationship even with this difficulty thrown in (doesn't exactly help the 'telling up front' issue, does it?) As I wrote in my other thread, our self esteem and general world views are challenged by a crossdressing partner. As many here mentioned, imagine if we did the same? I think many men would be very put off, but I also think (hope?) that some here would stay and try and understand? Women might talk in horror and hushed tones about the neighbours dreadful crossdressing husband, but were it their own, I know most wouldn't just run out the door. People are always scathing about something they don't understand...until it happens to them. After all, they married him because he completed her in some way...how can anyone so easily walk away from that? Did they ever truly love him? Even the worst cases will usually try counselling etc, as Nicole mentioned of her ex wife. Sometimes though, it's just not meant to be and that's the same of half the marriages out there.

It's not all bleak, Stephanie. We GG's can struggle with this - a lot. Yes, many will decide that life is easier without crossdressing - often because their H is a selfish, obsessive git who puts dressing before everything else. But I am endlessly uplifted whenever I hear how many women do stay and figure things out. There's way more than you realise.

[Mimi]

I fall into the "didn't kick my husband to the curb" category. I love my spouse and I understand that it is not a choice to be transgendered. Our marriage was strong to start with, and Eryn has been honest with me and responsible with finances, as well as striving to be a better partner. I believe that the marriages that don't survive CDing fail due to other issues on the part of one or both members of the marriage--the CDing merely provided the catalyst.

[LaurenS]

I never thought so thoroughly about it before. Hmm.

[Desirae]

I keep hearing this, "what if we (the wife) did the same thing". I don't know if its that big of a deal. I know my ex of about 20 years ago would often run around in my worn-out old sweats and nasty stained t-shirts. She would sometimes not shave her legs for days and days. No makeup. I never said anything to her about that. Ever. It didn't bother me one bit. She was the same person to me. That was just "outside" crap. This was very nearly crossdressing, especially when you count her letting her leg hair GROW. Yeah, she's my ex and we broke up but it wasn't from anything as minor as clothing or even lax personal hygiene (just the leg hair, nothing else).

[Alice Torn]

Sadly, many do believe that "it just is not right". A 78 yr old dear lady friend i have had for 33 yrs, recently got some photos of me dressed up, from another older lady i sent some too. She has not blasted me until a few nights ago. The first time she brought it up. "You are a man, not a woman! Stop trying to be a woman!" I them got off the phone, and am never talking with her again. It seems , so often, that when we do open up about it, Many women will "hanf us by our own petard", a saying Isha uses sometimes.

[candykowal]

I supposed being "kicked to the curb" is a major reason why I am still in the closet.
That fear of loosing a loved one is pretty strong with me.
Why most wives can't handle a CDer in there lives could be a trust issue, if you have been married a long time and finally reveal that inner Diva in you.
What else are you hiding?
Society values are another, ingrained gender roles are hard to change...it takes many decades.

[Jenniferathome]

I... In my personal life all I've ever heard or seen is the marriage is quickly ended. Of course, there are probably many marriages, such as mine, where the "secret" is shared. ...

Do you see the problem in this statement? You're still married, right?

I have written many, many times that marriages breakup because the foundation is broken not simply because of cross dressing. Cross dressing may be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back but read any GG's comments here are you will understand that it is NOT cross dressing but the lying or hedonism that causes the chief problems.

[Ally 2112]

I think some women just feel cheated or embarrsed that they did not get the package they dreamed about as girls wanting to get married .Im pretty sure they imagine getting married to a guy who will be their man at all times not someone who likes to wear a dress or look look a women .I can.t blame them, but on the other hand if he is a good person and loves you and you love him give it a chance it may just work out ? (just my opin )

[MelanieAnne]

As a general rule, marriage and crossdressing mix about as well as oil and water. Not placing blame here. Just stating the facts. I would be the first to admit I would not want a manly woman, with mens haircut, hairy legs, etc. For every woman who accepts it, probably a dozen don't. For most of us, crossdressing is a lifelong thing. And it will be far more stressful trying to give it up, than it is just accepting it and enjoying it for what it is. Many have tried to give it up. Few have succeeded. It's like the mob. Once you are in it, you can't get out!

[Adriana Moretti]

. It's like the mob. Once you are in it, you can't get out!

Thats right....Moretti..wont let you out or I send over my cleanup crew...LOL...kidding...I am single..but this is my 2 cents....girls want a man, a macho man, a real man, a manly man...this kinda thing tarnishes that image and comes with so much baggage and ruins a gals image of what they actually thought we were as males...girls are needy and want attention and need to be the center of everything...when u dress SHE is not the center...its hard for girls to comprehend...SHE is the pretty one...not you...you cant be pretty...She needs to be the one who "does it" for you....our hobby is a tough pill to swallow for them...even though it has nothing to do with how we feel about them at all, but more about what makes US happy...and what girl likes it when you pay attention to yourself instead of her for once? ...just my opinon...again..im single i have no intrest in women anymore...

[Beverley Sims]

Some women will cast us off, others do have an affinity for the person within and know that has not changed after the big reveal.