Can anyone relate?

[Dawn/David]

Wow, I have bottled up my feelings for so long on the topic of wanting to be a male. For so many years, I strongly Rejected and Hated being a female. Crying fits were and are still common and really just hitting rock bottom emotionally over it every so often is unavoidable. There was never anyone to talk to and I never knew how to express myself fully even if there was . As soon as I hinted at the fact of wanting to be male, people just said " You are so beautiful, stop being crazy!" I have never found 1 person that I can relate to.

Well, years later, I have come to be much more comfortable looking and dressing as a woman ( At one point I went from extreme fem to butch with male clothes and hair cut). I am once again fem and it is now actually fun as I see myself as a TV ( a male dressing up as a woman ). It is like I am acting a role and I must admit that I do like dressing fem as long as it is a classy/sophisticated/ strong look/power suits. However, I still don't and never did enjoy being female in bed and really don't like anything about what it means to be a regualr woman sexually or really on any level. My lesbian realtionships went bad as my partners wanted to be with a woman and not one pretending to be a man in bed. Being with men on any regular basis sexually is not possible, although the ocassional sexual encounter here and there can be tolerable. I have recently explored sexual encounters with men dressing as women and that is fun as they seem to be most comfortable with me wanting to be somewhat male/dominant.

Is there anyone else out there like me? I carry on very well in my career, but my personal life is hard to swallow. I should have sought therapy , but still can't even think of how to go about it. For so many years, I wanted to transition to male , but that wouldn't work for me as I want the to be 100% male from birth and not having to keep any of the female qualities about me.

I meet so many woman who just seem to love being one on all levels. Why when I HATE it and have always HATED it so much?
Any thoughts on this?

[CaptLex]

I meet so many woman who just seem to love being one on all levels. Why when I HATE it and have always HATED it so much?
Any thoughts on this?

Hi, Dawn/David:

Please don't think that there's anything wrong with how you feel about being born female. It's okay to feel that you want to change that. And it's even okay to feel that you may not have a problem with it some days. Yes, I can relate. If I could snap my fingers and transition, I would, but unfortunately, it's not that easy. So I'm learning to deal with a little bit more each day, as I learn more and more about who I really am.

The whole thing can be very confusing, but our gender issues and our sexual orientation are not the same thing - although they can be related - so we have to sort these things out separately. I think you'll find there are people here who can relate to what you're saying, and will be happy to help you sort through the confusion. So please, take a deep breath and relax - you're among friends.

[Dawn/David]

Thanks, it is nice to know we can let it all hang out here!

[mistunderstood]

Welcome to the group. You are not alone. I too hate to be female. I remember when I was in 5th grade and all the other girls were so excited to get there periods. Every time I get mine I get real pissed-off. Matter of fact I still get pissed-off. I look at it as one more way I am not a real male. Untill I found this group I thought I was the only one who thought these thoughts. I have looked on-line for a long time to find this little slice of heaven here and I find this place helps. I hope you come to feel the same.
Hang in there.

[Maria2004]

I don't "hate" what i was born, a biological male, I appreciate the advantages that gives me in the real world, the physical world. I only feel sad over my limits on emotional expression as dictated by the artificial constrants of my society and culture. But "Maria" can transcend those limitations. Biological sex is an undeniable fact that cannot be undone, gender expression is a state of mind that we as human beings have the option to change to our hearts desire if we have the courage and will to do so. I don't know of any other living creature on this planet so blessed.

I may be wrong though (shrug) I get confused too. If your gonna flame me for this perspective please remember I'm just a girl also, sometimes, regardless.

Maria

[KatieKaboodle]

Well, it all depends on your level of comfortability in your own skin and the perception of yourself. It sounds like you have self-image issues, which are fairly common in varying degrees these days. If you are okay with being feminine, that's great! But don't limit yourself to feeling like you HAVE to express everything as 'male' or 'female.' I know; it's easier said than done right? Yep, I'm still struggling with that myself.

Just be you, and if you think you would be more appropriate at least partially transitioning, who says that's not an option? Be you; that's all anyone can ask of you.

Katie

[mistunderstood]

How true. All we can do is try to be happy, but sometimes it feels like I'm banging my head against the wall.

[Dawn/David]

It is great to know there are others that can relate to or just accept how I feel. I think the hardest part of it all has been not being able to vent and express myself without the strange looks/comments or even anger other felt about me rejecting y feminity. Heaven forbid I confide in females that I have no desire to have children and never did or that I don't see getting penetrated as pleasurable/desirable or that I am repulsed by period talk-They flip out and tell me to gorw up. Hmmm.............

[mistunderstood]

ME and my girl friend do not want kids. We have all the kids we need We have a cat and a bird and they are worse than kids sometimes.
when we too tell people this they think we are nuts. All though in all fairness we are nuts.

[CaptLex]

It is great to know there are others that can relate to or just accept how I feel. I think the hardest part of it all has been not being able to vent and express myself without the strange looks/comments or even anger other felt about me rejecting y feminity. Heaven forbid I confide in females that I have no desire to have children and never did or that I don't see getting penetrated as pleasurable/desirable or that I am repulsed by period talk-They flip out and tell me to gorw up. Hmmm.............

You've been talking to the wrong people, that's why they can't relate. You can talk here anytime, we know what you mean. I have distanced myself somewhat from some of my female friends because we were obviously from different planets. A couple of them are friends first and females second, so we can talk about lots of things without there being an issue of gender, same as I can talk to some biological men. Don't get me wrong, I think having male, female and other kinds of friends is great, but you just have to talk to the right people about the right things, or there will be big misunderstandings.

[eleventhdr]

So you are one of the ones who hates being female just like a lot of us on the other side hate being male and want to become females!. Well what is really needed is a real way for us to find a treu way for males who want to be female and vice versa for us to be somehow able to swap places with each other there must be a real way to accomplish this in real time space without all of the current speculations as to hwo and why it can not be done. Most anything might be done sceitifically if and when appoached and done right I have and still do currentlu belive that this is poosible but it can and must be done under just the right conditions I think and belive that mlaea and female could and somehow do this Yeah yeah i know i'm going to catch a lot of flak on the whole idea tthat you could just really swap pleace with each other but it is still being done in scifi and fiction and all of that so who is really to say that it could not really be done if and when it was worked on and done just right who indeed know science has often been proven right it just takes someone and somethings to finally get it done I myself am working on time travel experiments and under the very right conditions one can time travel backwards in time back to a pervious timeline it is not impossible like so many still belive it to be indeed so gender change is not either i think the current method is just not really goig to work for those of us who truly want to be males and females respectivly we must find a real true way to do this so that then we could and would be the true sexes that we realy do want to and deseve to be oh well anyone with me on this one out there if and when so you belive like me and are willing to give this a try we just might be able to set up a very unique frist in the sceince field and then from there take it to the next level real true gender change for all who are realy willing to seek it out in this way. So Then!. Suzy!. The Doctor Eleventh!. Yeah yeah i know a lot of you are going to say that this can never be done but all of and most ever done was deemed impossible until someone stepped up and said it could be done and then proceeded to do it so it will be with this as well gender change just like that so!. Again Suzy!. The Doctor Eleventh!.

[Jared86]

I used to hate being male because i associated with things like, well...what you said. Sexual dominance. masculinity, ect.

Then i learned that all was just an association created by our society. We have thought many things througout history. Just a few hundred years ago, fat women were considered far more attracted than thin women, and today, women are literally killing themselves through anorexia to be thin.

"Being a man," and the feelings that phrase gives you...those are pre-programmed responces. Being a man, or being a woman, can mean anything you want it to mean. When you realize that, and try to live your life by it, you are free.

By the way, i wish you lived in my town. I really like women who want to be dominant, or male-like, or whatever, in bed! So, even if you chose to stay biologically female, know that there are indeed some men (and some women, as well) who are totally enthusiastic about your romantic or sexual needs.

[Terri Li]

if i were able to transition to female i would at a heart beat.

and id try other races too were that possible.

im very strongly attracted to males in or out of any clothing it doesnt matter to me

heaven to me snuggling and being held

byron teri

[Dawn/David]

I really enjoyed reading all of your responses. However, it seems like most of you have found som sense of balance that I am seeking to find. I thought
I had it, but it was just a false sense of security. Part of my problem is living in a world that really doesn't offer support for what my needs are and my own inhibitions that I have not been lucky enough to shake even though I try so hard. Wow, how can any man want to do away with their social right to sexual/social dominance?????????????????? I would give anything for that. No matter how dominant I may be, the natural sex drive in females and males can't be compared.

[Kimberley]

Oh Dawn/David, my heart went out to you. This confusion is such a struggle and I wonder if it ever ends.

You will find understanding here on all fronts without judgment and you can always find honest talk. Maybe you can find answers by asking questions. They dont have to be on the forums, PM is a good thing for very sensitive issues.

Some of us TG males are as predisposed to submissive (female) sexual roles as you are to the dominant male one. It is not a matter of us giving up that but more our accepting of the female self we have. Some of us have to suffer with this imbalance while others can bounce back and forth and still others maintain their male roles and dress for other needs.

Please try to celebrate your feelings and accept them for what they are; they are you. Whether you transition or not is a decision only you can make but in the meantime learn to love your male self and give yourself permission to do that.

I hope you can find what you need. Now read the signature below

[Dawn/David]

It is really a help to have you all to bounce ideas around with. I am 38 and have realized that my issues need to be addressed as I feel that they have and will continue to cause some bad behaviors in my life. I look and seem to be quite functional, but if people only knew- I am NUTS!!!! I wouldn't know where to begin to seek some professional help. IT really scares me to even think about seeking it, any suggestions on this?

[Kimberley]

Dawn/David
The first place to start is with your GP. S/he is going to be nonjudgmental and if you let them know it is for depression they can get you started. (My advice is stay away from SSRI's like Paxil.) I am using Wellbutrin and it has been a godsend!
Next place to look is your local gay/lesbian support organization. They will have a list of counsellors that specialize in Gender issues. It may be an MA in Social Work but they can be extremely helpful. Failing that ask your GP for a referral to a pdoc and you interview them. DO NOT go to someone just because. You have to be totally free to expose your most vulnerable self. There is nothing you can say that would shock any of them and they will hold your confidence.
Hope this helps. If you want to get more info privately you can PM me. I will be happy to answer ANY questions you might have and I will keep your confidence. (I have had mine violated in the past and it is nothing short of abuse or worse.)

[Kimberley]

Oh and one more thing.... YOU ARE NOT NUTS. You just need help sorting things out that is all.

Now give yourself a hug. LOL

[michelleliz]

See the coin does have two sides

Lov Michelleliz

[Gilded Graper]

I wouldn't know where to begin to seek some professional help.

Go to any LGBT org near you and ask for a TS/TG group. I'd probably check out Princeton & Rutgers student org, they'd be sooo happy to help you because they're kids and out for the 1st time
Either way, the TS's will tell you who their therapist are but the most important thing is, you'll make new T pals!

I would give anything for that. No matter how dominant I may be, the natural sex drive in females and males can't be compared.

ooooh baby, wait till you start injecting testosterone... YIPES!!! See Post #3 http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=22216

My F2M pal was over 45 when he began HRT. By 50, he made bunch of movies, TV movies and TV shows. It's never too late.

BTW you'd look a lot better than Ivan in Showtime's "The L Word". Ask and I'll lend you the 1st 2 seasons.

Have fun with all the T pals you're going make.

[gennee]

When I awakened one day wanting to be a woman, I thought that I was weird. I looked at porno flicks, gay and lesbian magazines, and took an interest in leather culture. I sought some conseling because I was afraid that I was gay or bisexual. It was the best decision I made. Today, I am a happy transvestite.
I will never be a woman, but I like to dress as one. Most important is that I am comfortable in my own skin. I Believe in time you will have a much better understanding of yourself and who you are. I pray that you will learn to love yourself and work on the things that make you you. I love your picture and see a beautiful person who is struggling with self acceptance.
Please continue to write and read this forum. We really want to see you succeed and be happy.

Gennee

[Ms. Donna]

It is great to know there are others that can relate to or just accept how I feel. I think the hardest part of it all has been not being able to vent and express myself without the strange looks/comments or even anger other felt about me rejecting y feminity. Heaven forbid I confide in females that I have no desire to have children and never did or that I don't see getting penetrated as pleasurable/desirable or that I am repulsed by period talk-They flip out and tell me to gorw up. Hmmm.............

This is perhaps the only true common thread running through the entire genderqueer community - wanting to be able to relate to other on the same level.

It's not that cisgendered contingent of society doesn't 'get' us - many can and do 'get it' and that's great. But by and large, they get it from an intellectual standpoint, not an emotional one. And they can't - it's a host of experiences and feelings (many which we don't even have the vocabulary to articulate) which, unless you're 'one of us', you will never be able to relate to on an emotional level. And quite often, that is exactily what it is we need - to be able to connect on a emotional level with our peers.

Sure, we're all comming at this from different directions, but we all get it. When someone says "I just can describe what it is I feel", we immediately know exactily what it is they are feeling. Intellectual understanding is great but will never replace emotional understanding.

Don't be afraid or concerned about sharing because at the end of the day, it's the only way we all make it through this.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Kieron Andrew]

I know how you feel. I hate being female as well, and all it's social trappings. Including talk about periods and giving birth and other exclusively female topics. My mother, aunts, sisters and most females I know seem perfectly fine talking about that sort of thing, but like you, I find it repulsive.

oooh chats about female stuff with family ughhh!!!! I avoid it as much as possible......I dont live my life as female so therefore hate being seen as female or talking about all those yucky things like periods.......my attitude is just cos i gotta go thru them cos i was cursed with them doesnt mean i want to talk about them or acknowledge em!!! or anything remotely female!!

[teegan685]

Dawn I think there is nothing wrong with you. The fact that alot of people question why we do what we do can be difficult. Hang in there I am on your side.