Question - All Replies Encouraged

[Marcelle]

Hi all . . . I thought I would post some questions to generate some discussion based on a litany of threads about how our CDing affects our relationships. This is geared to one particular aspect and that is how our physical presentation is perceived by our SOs and how we integrate our physical presentation into our relationship. This is not meant to point fingers or drum up a "who is bad" but to generate some good discussion. If it gets out of control then moderators please feel free to close the thread.

I will be going away in July for a few weeks on a work related tasking and given the nature of my work, there is never a guarantee I will return home. So my wife and I tend to spend a lot of time soul searching and waxing nostalgic about our life together prior to my departure. Since this if the first time I have had to go away since coming out I asked her the question which was pervasive in a few threads "Since Isha has made her appearance in our lives, do you see me as less of a man?" There was an awkward moment of silence (to be honest my heart skipped a beat ), then she replied (loosely quoted) "If you mean do I think because you dress like a girl you are no longer a man, then no. Clothes are exterior trappings and if you were wearing an Armani suit or a dress, the internal you is still the same. You are all guy regardless of how you dress" She then added "In the past year since you have started dressing I have finally got the man I married back as you have become happier, fun loving, attentive and nurturing. Sweetie I don't care if you dress like a girl all the time, just promise you will come back home"

So I have a few questions aimed at a few groups on this site:

For GGs only: Do you see your SO as a less of a man after seeing him dressed? I am not trying to be argumentative but I am curious as to why you should see someone differently due to physical presentation. If your SO is a kind and good man, an attentive husband/father who does all the things you need him to do, then how does the physical presentation change that? They are the same person. I understand if your SO is selfish and wants you to accept them as a woman in all aspects of life (be your GF vice your husband or introduce the gal into the marital bed if that is not your wish) but if they just want to dress , what changes your perception?

I am cognizant that some here have SOs who are on this site so if you wish not respond I understand. However, if you are willing a PM would be nice as I am trying to understand this from your perspective as much as mine.

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

For CDers (whose SOs don't know) or CDers not currently in a relationship: My question to you would be the same as my question above should you ever decide to come out?

I know I have left our TS sisters and inter-sexed members. However your presentation is not so much something you do but something you need to do to match your gender preference (i.e., you are women and wish to be perceived as such). However, please feel free to respond as you see fit.

Hugs all

Isha

[Jenniferathome]

.

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable.

I am always her husband. When dressed, there are things I will never do, such as show overt attention, like holding hands, kiss, and certainly never take it into the bedroom. So, in that sense, we are two "friends" hanging out but we still talk like husband and wife. I am not the equivalent of a "girlfriend" as the conversations are different. I would never, ever do something that makes my wife uncomfortable, including being dressed around her. If she were uncomfortable, she would never see Jennifer. And I make sure to ask this, even today.

[mikiSJ]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Isha, I fall into the TG category, but I am not full-time as I am trying to work out how to keep my marriage together. My wife does not me to consider her to be a lesbian, so I do my best to hide the changes being made to my body. As I can no longer get an erection, we have made changes in bed. Where I would wear lingerie when I considered myself to be a CD, now as a TG, I no longer wear lingerie while make love in bed. (Please, I am not trying to start a political fight!)

My wife misses the man I was even when I dressed and now as TG I cannot go back. We are walking a tightrope; NO make that a slack line.
___________________________________
Although I do not know where you are heading, I think I know what you'll do when you get there. Stay alert. sharpen your view, keep your weapon clean, protect your brother and come home: to your wife and family, to your friends, to Canada, to us here on the forum!!

[Jaclyn]

Hello Isha
Once again you have come up with another amazing question that requires a lot of thought about ones self.

I don't expect anything from my wife in regards to my dressing. It always amazes my how excepting she is. I would love for us to be bff's when I'm dress, but really it's enough that she allows me to be me.
She is always joking with me about inching closer and closer to womanhood and soon I'll be more of a woman than her.

Jackie

[samantha rogers]

Miki, I could have written much the same thing myself.
Isha, all I can say is that I do my best to remain the person my wife loved enough to marry all those years ago, and remain willing and ready to resume our bedroom activities when and if she is once again ready to accept me in that way. She is still unable to see me sexually again since learning of my nature and since witnessing the changes occurring in my physical form. But, I still have hope. I can say that it is better now than it was a month ago, and that was better than the month before that.
Time will tell. Day by day.
Hugs
Sammie

[Zoe B]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Hugs all

Isha

I talk with my SO quite often about these things, and I will always be first and foremost her husband, like another post here we are who we always are when I am dressed and we act like it, usually plenty of laughing and normal chit chat. I would never cross a line that made her uncomfortable in any way shape or form. I am however very lucky that she is very accepting of this part of my life.

My SO does say that I am far more relaxed and approachable when dressed and for some time afterwards and that this is a great side benefit for us both.

[Simone_40]

..... I do my best to remain the person my wife loved enough to marry all those years ago....
Sammie

Sammie,
I didn't do my best at all to remain the MAN my Beautiful wife who "Loved me with all of her HEART".
I deceived her by not telling her about my CD'ing BEFORE she Married me.
Kisses,
Simone

[samantha rogers]

Simone, I feel for you. I did not know nor understand this about myself when I married and only began to dress after marriage. I still feel badly that I was not forthcoming with her when I started, but, sigh...I lived in denial, always thinking I could stop and force it away, which we all know is foolish. It would have been so much better for us both had Ibeen able, but I wasn't. I guess we do the best we can.
Sammie

[bridget thronton]

We are partners and friends regardless of how I dress.

[Andy66]

Isha, good luck on your trip. Be careful. Im sure we will all be anxiously awaiting your safe return.

My only experience with this subject really is an ex with a slight cd fetish, but he was really all guy. Also I dated a transwoman for a while, who was definitely all girl. Unfortunately she always wanted me to dress girly, so we could go out in similar outfits. Sigh. I tried to humor her, but that just wasnt me. I still miss her though.

[Nadya]

Usually my interactions with my SO while dressed is usually light hearted. We do more fun stuff together and similar things to what we do when I'm not dressed. I guess she still sees me for me. She's told me she doesn't care what I look like on the outside. That being said, we've been romantic before while I was dressed but she's not quite sure how she feels about it yet. I'm already kind of a girlfriend to her since we do things together that girlfriends do (shopping for clothes, make up, shoes, have lunch, see movies, etc.) so it isn't a big change of how we interact.

[Confucius]

I do not expect my wife to accept me as a woman. I tell her that I know she has needs, needs that include me as a man. I am her man and I love her. She does not like it when I cross-dress, so we agree to boundaries. I remain a man at all times. I can sleep in a nightgown, or wear a dress, but I never wear a wig, make-up, pads, or pretend that I am a woman. I have no female name. I am just a man in a skirt.

I have noticed that when I do cross-dress that her attitude toward me changes. Its as it she is disappointed, hurt, and confused. I have tried to understand the wives' perspective through their forum: http://www.crossdresserswives.com/revision/forum1.html

I have found that every situation is unique and generalizations are difficult to make. However, most women have certain needs including the need to have a man who will love them, and protect them and be the kind of man they can respect and honor. Whether or not that means you can look like a beautiful woman and still be the kind of man they can respect and honor - well, that depends on the wife.

I would have to say that the responses you get from this forum will be strongly skewed toward accepting cross-dressing. If you want to get another perspective then please study the link provided above. They are for wives only, and while you may disagree with their opinions, please be respectful.

[MatildaJ.]

I don't see my husband as less of a man, overall. I'm proud that he has been honest about this hard topic, and I see him as a source of adventure and excitement, as well as a trustworthy life partner.

But reading this site does make me question sometimes whether I put too much responsibility on his shoulders. This comes up in little moments in our lives, when we fall into traditional marriage patterns and then inside my head I wonder whether he'd prefer to not to carry some burden (literal, like a heavy suitcase, or figurative, like handling our finances). Sometimes I offer to carry the suitcase (or whatever), but I also don't want to emasculate him. I do try to play a more active role during sex, because I've seen so many complaints here about women who expect to be pleased all the time.

So it's not that I see my husband as less of a man, but I see men differently now: as sometimes resenting their role as the strong provider and sexual aggressor. It's a complicated dance, trying to be open to more fluid gender roles without stepping on the pleasure that one person may get from enacting the role at that particular moment.

[CarlaWestin]

I know for a fact that when I breaath in or exhale, I'm a man. I've been one for a long time. There's this unnessary proove it continiously nonsense that society seems to elevate. And what is the quantifier of more or less of a man? I'm the best damn man I know. And I crossdress. Anything else said is just opinion and you know what that's worth.

[Angie G]

My wife knows and when I dress it's the same as if I wasn't in girl mode.
Angie

[PaulaQ]

My wife, when we communicate at all - which is infrequent - does refer to me as Paula now. I don't think she really views me as a woman though. I am more of a ghost - the revenant of her dead husband.

And yes, I'd hoped she'd somehow love me as a woman - I love her with all my heart still. This was a completely idiotic hope on my part, because I knew how straight and heteronormative she was. Still, the rational part of me never gave that much more than 1% odds of actually happening. Score - Romantic me: 0, Rational me: 1.

I regret putting her through all of this - she's had a life with me like a dream of Hector Berlioz - it started out beautiful and wonderful, and ended as a terrible nightmare.

[reb.femme]

Hi Isha,

Basically, I concur with everything Jennifer said. When I'm dressed, my wife will not have any physical contact between us, such as kissing or even holding hands and by consequence, this goes no where near the bedroom. However, there are times when we are having a light-hearted conversation, she will playfully jab me in the ribs, pinch my butt or touch my hand.

Currently, we are going through a phase whereby I can see in her face a kind of disappointment or disapproval when I discuss CDing in general, such as a thread on this forum. Yet, next day she will happily go into town with me and help with buying clothes etc. So it's a difficult one at the moment, so I guess she is somewhat disappointed with me. However, when we do get together in the marital sense, we are a loving couple.

I will not cause her embarrassment in the real world, so I'm careful not to out myself to our neighbours or to in any way impinge on her work life. This is a very male dominated environment and she would receive no end of digs and other crap if my other side were to be revealed there. Otherwise, I would be more out to the world.

So all waffle aside, I'd say I am somewhat diminished in her eyes. Sad, but it is a fact I'm sure.

Rebecca

[GretchenJ]

Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

For CDers (whose SOs don't know) or CDers not currently in a relationship: My question to you would be the same as my question above should you ever decide to come out?

First and foremost Isha, please take care and come home safely.. Even you are serving a county different than mine, for the vast majority, we have the same causes, so I say thank you for your service.

I have chosen not to come out exactly for this reason. As Miki has stated, once you are on the tightrope, there is no coming off. So IF I decided to tell my wife and IF she was 100% accepting, ( and I think she would be somewhat accepting because that is the kind of person she is ), I would not expect her to be her GF, and when she said this dress would look good on my, I would feel embarrassed, based upon the introverted person that I am.,for me this journey is deeply personal and private. It makes me happy, but the downside is that somewhat lonely at times, but this is totally my choice and my path.

[jules]

For the so who knows

My wife is accepting but has her limits. She accepted who I am and has told me she likes the other person better because that person is nicer and more understanding. I have spent days as Julie. We watch TV , movies, have supper together and sometimes pokes at my boobs in a joking and loving manner.
She love the man she married and loves the person I become when I'm myself. I hope that makes scence.
We have had our ups and downs but our relationship is strong. I keep all my clothes upstairs. There is no hiding anymore.
Now it's just my acceptance of myself that I am still working on and to be honest it's a battle.
I guess I am one of the Luckey ones to have such a loving wife( it's not been easy for her to say the least but she is a very strong women)
Got to run. I thought I would make a comment on this topic because it was to good to pass up.

Julie

[Beverley Sims]

My wife knows and I dress around the house at all times.
Sh does not have to accept me as a woman although it seems natural when on holidays and I am dressed away from home.
She is not enthusiastic about shopping with me dressed although we will buy clothing together with me in drab.

We love shopping for clothes at Ross and Claire's for jewellery.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Isha. I wish you safety on your trip.

With my relationship nothing has come through expectations. Rather only after vast discussions spanning years.

So at this point we are friends, spouses and lovers, regardless of how either of us is dressed. Oh and I will say that regardless of how I am dressed I am always just me, so it is not as if I ever change how I behave, and that is one thing she has said she appreciates about me and my transness.

[Rogina B]

Isha, I fall into the TG category

My wife misses the man I was even when I dressed and now as TG I cannot go back. We are walking a tightrope; NO make that a slack line.
___________________________________!

I feel that a corrected description is required and that is different than a battle over terms. You and a few others that have replied with your thoughts are Transgender[because we ALL are] and are presently in treatment of your GD[gender dysphoria] with hormone treatments. It is the GD and extent of it that for some of us changes the dynamics at home. Because it is a medical diagnosis,it isn't the same as pretty panties in the drawer that can be given to Goodwill,and all things that bothered a spouse..gone.As might be the case with a crossdressing husband.

[Mimi]

I don't view Eryn as less of a man when she is dressed. I view her as...Eryn...my spouse and best friend, and of course still my husband but in a different form. When we are in public, we behave as two friends, but we both know how we truly feel about one another. I don't judge people by being more or less of a man or a woman--these are social expectations, and she is a complete person however she dresses.

[S. Lisa Smith]

My wife doesn't want to see me dressed, but other than that is very supportive. I respect that and so this has never come up. Good luck and be safe!

[UNDERDRESSER]

"In the past year since you have started dressing I have finally got the man I married back as you have become happier, fun loving, attentive and nurturing. Sweetie I don't care if you dress like a girl all the time, just promise you will come back home"

Wooh! Yay! Give that girl a big kiss before you go! (Not that you wouldn't have I know) She's a diamond! And you come back now, ya hear?

So I have a few questions aimed at a few groups on this site:


For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Isha

I asked her pretty much that question a few days ago, "Does the fact that I dress like this make you view me as less of a man?" She thought about it for a few seconds, then replied "No, it's not relevant to how I think of you"

I should remind newcomers that I just wear skirts, mostly around the house, but getting used to being seen further afield. I also wear panties pretty much 24/7, it would be hard to go back to men's stuff there, they suck! The only other thing is I am experimenting with is various kinds of hosiery. In short, I do not dress as a woman, nor feel like one, I am not attempting to "pass" I am working on developing a "look" that integrates a male persona with some clothing items normally thought of as female. Partly this is because of comfort and practicality, partly it's about displaying aspects that most would describe as feminine, but I feel should be open to men as well. I'd be quite happy to wear a modern kilt, (The Mountain Hardware Elkomando kilt looks excellent!) but just one of those would equal just about my total cost of the dozen or so skirts I've bought at thrift stores.