I need answers please

[spirit]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post so I hope I have started in the right place on the forum. To be honest not sure where to start and how to ask the questions I am seeking answers to.

My husband of 32 years is a crossdresser, I have known about a year now, I cant say it's getting any easier to understand as hard as I try I just find the whole thing confusing! maybe it's because I thought I knew my husband! perhaps I never have, that's the starting point I guess. He doesn't like to talk about it, he says he will then he gets defensive every time, he has said things like he's not attracted to me anymore, then he back tracks and says he does, that is just one example of the confusing messages I have had.

I have gone through what is probably the usual emotions, anger, leaving him, and every other one which is probably typical of the situation, i'm sure most of you have had to contend with. I know my husband is a stranger to you so hard to make any sense of this for me but, I need to talk to someone as I have nobody I could tell and trust.

I guess for the most part my husband has no answers for me, he says he just likes the clothes but I think it goes deeper than that, I just dont know how far! We have no intimate moments going on so it doesn't make me feel good about myself, that's what gets me most angry, I feel he prefers the woman he has become. I can see that he finds that part of him much more exciting than us right now. Will I just be here for company and thats all!!

As far as I know he had been dressing a year or so before he told me, he said before that he just didn't know himself that this was how he felt. The thing is he did say without even thinking it was significant that he put on his mothers underwear when he was a child, he past that off as something probably all kids do.

I went with him to a crossdressers wine and nibbles evening (he didn't go dressed) he just arranged to go as male by prior arrangment with the hosts to meet up and chat. They were a nice bunch of people and I had a good evening but open chat was limited. The thing is he really doesn't see himself as the same, i'm not sure he knows his own feelings at all or he is trying to deny them. It is really hard to put into words what I want to ask, maybe this post will start questions and answers and hopefully you can help lead me in the right direction, and I him.

I hope this doesn't come across as rambling nonsense really hard to talk to strangers, thought this would be easier, but no, thanks for taking the time to read this anyway.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Sprit

Welcome to the forum

Firstly when you have ten posts I suggest you apply to the FAB ( female at birth) section which will give the opinions of other partners in your situation.

Your husband I would suggest is not much different from the man you know as this has been part of him especially if it started in childhood. Mostly it is kept a secret for years and this is what make talking about it more difficult. In general we are not the bet at sharing secrets and talking about them. It can be a real uphill struggle to get to the point of talking without being defensive. I am sure there are worries about how you would react and even with you seeking answers. It still confuses most of us as to our true identity. I do hope he opens up more to you as communication is the most important thing.

[Nadya]

This can be a really complex problem for the both of you. It sounds like he might be afraid to be honest with himself. I know that was a problem for me. While I'm not experienced in a married life, I can tell you from my perspective that I've gone through quite the emotional struggle of denial and self-loathing for wanting to be like this. Kudos to you for trying to support him. I still have trouble talking with my girlfriend (of almost 3 years now) about this stuff. I think being in public may push me back into my typical gender role so I'm less likely to talk about it. My girlfriend while very supportive still has trouble with my dressing sometimes. It is important to really communicate honestly if there's going to be any progress. Good Luck.

[Di]

Welcome! I am a GG as well......and most likely your hubby is just learning about himself ....and the good thing is you can learn together. Speak up when or if things bother you....it has to be about the two of you.
He is the same person you fell in love with but just had this inside. I promise you it can be balanced and not a big deal most of us GGs just live a reg life and it is not the huge elephant in the room anymore.
Like you said your hubby did not relate to the cders in the group....so in the same light do not take everything you read in this section as pertaining to your hubby....in our case as well alot does not.
Check out the loved ones section as well alot of new GGs have posts there.

Hope to see you in Fab section after 7 days and over 10 posts the link is in my sig.

[Katey888]

Hi Sprit,

That probably would have made a good introduction but you've raised a variety of issues here as well as the obvious 'CD revelations' one.

It sounds like you're of a similar generation to myself and quite a few other folk here, and I think it's common that we've gone through a lot of life really not understanding this aspect of ourselves other than to realise how stigmatised it was and is, and therefore keep it carefully buried... but it was still a part of who he was for so long, you just never knew about... And of course, that alone must hurt, even though he was probably hiding it as much for your protection as for his own, and he would not have had access to any information at the beginning of your relationship that would have helped explain this weird condition we have... You seem prepared to talk this through with him and give him a chance to also work it out, I'm trying to give you some rationale as to why that might be a good thing to do...

But there are other aspects to this that you have to work through with him - so it's all about communicating now and trying to be as open and honest as you can with each other about what this means to him as well as what you both mean to each other (hopefully, everything... )

We've got quite a few GGs here on the forum who have been through what you have - it's probably more appropriate they get to offer advice on something they've experienced directly... Good advice from Shelly to apply to join the FAB forum when you can - and take a look in 'Loved Ones' too, that's where more of the relationship-type discussions take place... If you spend too much time on the MtF forum (here) you'll likely get overwhelmed by some of the apparently more detailed and possibly banal subjects... and that probably isn't what you need right now.

Other basic points to realise (perhaps you do already - sorry..):
- We're not all gay (some are and some bi, but most appear hetero)
- We don't all want to transition (some very few do)
- We're not all obsessed with certain items of clothing (some are - nothing wrong with that)
- All you get here is perspectives and opinions - beware of 'FACTS' and generalisations.... this is about as reliable as any other source of info on the interwebs...

Feel free to ask anything - we're hard to embarrass with a condition like this...

Katey x

[Ellanore G.G.]

I second Di, that we live regular lives.
It can take a long time to get to that place
My H was the same, didnt want to talk, then we just took baby steps
and a lot of tears, rows, talk of divorce, etc.
it truly does get easier, I didnt believe it could, but it does.
You can drive yourself mental with all the whys ?
But for me I take every day as it comes, and i used to overthink everything.
get on to loved section, and read, read and read some more.
No 2 couples are alike, we are all different, and everything you feel is valid
the same goes for him, his feelings are also valid.
Intimacy can be hard, when you think he loves his femme image more than you.
I think in some ways my H does this still, but I dont dwell on it
and we have found ways to combine the c/ding, so it suits us both.
Please take time out for both of you, and some alone time also
Its another hurdle, and most of us get through it.
sending you hugs, and come on here if you need to vent
no one minds, truly they dont.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Spirit. Welcome and please take come comfort in the knowledge that you are EXACTLY where the vast majority of wives are after finding out they are married to a cross dresser. Now, one notion I'd like to challenge is, "...maybe it's because I thought I knew my husband! perhaps I never have,..." If he is just a cross dresser, I think it is safe to state that you absolutely know 99.999999% of him and now you know 100%. Cross dressing doesn't pervade all aspects of his life. Of course, that answer also leaves open the question of what if he is more than a cross dresser? THAT can only be understood through conversation. Talk a lot. Ask every question. He should answer honestly, even if he doesn't have a concrete answer. Do let him know you expect EVERY bit of this secret to be told. No "partial" truths. He gets one shot at telling it all.

In the end, you will never understand this because even he does't understand it. I am a strong proponent of a genetic basis for this but we will never know, "why." It is. Please set some boundaries and make sure you are comfortable in this.

Best of luck

[KiwiKate]

Just wanted to say hang in there.

[KellyJameson]

The conflicts "he" is experiencing were there before he met you. Sometimes stress and turmoil in the relationship will bring them to the surface or a "man" who is more comfortable in a submissive role will look for a dominant woman and than act out "his" emotional needs.

The question to answer is whether "he" identifies as a woman or if he is using crossdressing like a sexual fetish but has a solid male identity.

Gender identity conflicts can cause sexual conflicts because you are acting in ways that may feel unnatural but it is unique to the individual.

Try to learn what you can about gender identity and once you have reached ten posts you are more than welcome to PM me

If it is purely a sexual fetish there are ways to pull him out of this and back into a sexual relationship with you if that is what you want.

If it is gender identity conflicts than you may want to discuss with him about seeing a gender therapist.

His history with women could offer clues to where his head is at.

More than likely he has been very secretive with you out of shame and fear of what he does not understand or cannot control.

He could become very defensive and self protective if he feels like you are pushing him into a corner. Be careful.

His behavior will directly attack your own self esteem, self worth and confidence but it has nothing to do with something that is wrong about you

It is my opinion that the same forces that create transsexuals of which I'm one also run through the veins of crossdressers but to a lesser extent so they usually identify as men but have sexual difficulties where their sexuality becomes inverted toward the self.

Usually these men are sensitive, artistic, shy or somewhat reserved,cerebral,introverted but sometimes flamboyant but in a feminine way.

They also can be extreme versions of masculinity such as military types and I think they find balance by going toward the feminine as a form of stress release from the rigors of being men. I think these men are lesser in numbers so a subset of crossdressers in general.

There is a very specific personality and temperament to crossdressers that once understood can be influenced by a woman if she is strong enough and wise enough.

But before you can do that you must first see the truth that it is not a failing on your part but something that is woven into the fabric of the man you are in a relationship with.

[September]

Hi, Spirit! I'm a wife of a crossdresser. We were married for eight years when he told me.

What you're feeling is valid. Accept it. Perhaps begin a journal and write every day.

You and your husband would probably benefit from counselling, both separate and together. It sounds like your husband doesn't know how to express himself, which is adding to the frustration. He needs to do some reflection and he needs to talk to a professional.

Don't ignore your needs. You need to take care of yourself, which may mean many things. Figure out what you want from the relationship. Take an art class or yoga or something that will help to heal your wounds and give you some balance and peace in your life.

I hope you find some support here. This is a really good forum. Hugs!!!

[Eryn]

There is one aspect of this I would like to emphasize from the CDers point of view:

The majority of us, particularly the 40-up crowd, were raised in a society that closely associated any sort of transgender activity or thought with perversion. We learned that it was wrong at a very visceral level, starting with our parents enforcing gender roles and playground friends who were vicious in criticizing anything the slightest bit "sissy." Conforming to the male stereotype becomes a reflex action and any action outside of the male realm causes immediate self-correcting feelings of guilt and shame. Initial forays into CDing actually reinforce these feelings because they are done in secret and the CDer often feels like they are "getting away" with something illicit.

Intellectually, a CDer can understand that there is nothing wrong with their gender expression but it takes years to get rid of the deeply-ingrained training that we have absorbed. Even after we admit to ourselves and our loved ones that our feminine side exists that training sits in the background and often manifests itself in moments of stress. The period after we come out to a loved one is full of stress so it appears that we are waffling back and forth between assertion and denial and indeed we often are. Even years after my wife became aware of this side of me I still have to deal with pangs of self-shame, though this is diminishing.

My advice is to keep communicating with your loved one but take what they say with a grain of salt. They are likely as confused as you are about their gender identity at this point. The only promise that truly counts is one of continued love and support.

At the same time, be sure that your CDing loved one is aware of your feelings. It is perfectly natural to have doubts and questions about this and discussion is a way to help both of you understand each other's needs. Every relationship grows and evolves and this is just another way that it can do so.

The fact that you were willing to join here and write such a thoughful first post tells me that you and your spouse will look back on this as a "bump in the road" after finding an equilibrium that works for both of you. In fact, you might find that your lives improve considerably!

[Wildaboutheels]

You did not say whether you "caught him dressed", discovered his stash and confronted him , or he came to you out of the blue and confessed??? [If so, for what reason?]

Most of the CDers on the planet, probably 99%, [certainly you passed all those "other" CDing sites on your drive into this Forum?] are MEN because CDing is a VISUAL medium. I'm guessing your hubby is probably not dressing in flats and granny dresses? He is likely using the dressing to visit O land, no different than using porn or men's magazines. Using women's clothes as TOOLS. Or he did way back in the day.

Sounds like at this time you have a non existent sex life with him if I understood correctly? "Most" men don't get as much sex as they want and "might" use CDing to help fill in the dry spells... days, weeks or months? Are you not having sex because you discovered his dressing or because you are [likely] fiftyish and just don't enjoy/need/want sex and or don't feel good about your attractiveness?

All of this ^^^ is just one aspect to consider. I am not "blaming you". He is likely ADDICTED to dressing and became addicted in his teens. His male brain quickly learned to associate certain clothing items with Os. Our male brains will NEVER forget this association.

The good news here is that it is quite easy to gather FACTS at this website. [and separate them from mumbo jumbo] This site makes it very easy BUT you won't be able to do it until you have posted 10 times and can visit ALL the Forums and READ for yourself...about the topics, questions and themes here that always generate the most VIEWS as well as the most REPLIES. There will be threads that make you worry/you find disturbing but others you might see that describe your hubby to a T.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that your hubby is still "just" a Human like all CDers so will be unique and may or may not like certain things. He may not have any need whatsoever for wigs, makeup or forms [fake boobs] or padding of any kind OR at his age [seemingly very common here] refuse to dress w/o them. There is no rhyme or reason/right or wrong.

Another thing to keep in mind is NURTURE. It's undeniable that nurture is a part of everyone, male or female. We are ALL, regardless of age, a sum of our various journeys. There have been hundreds here over the years who have attested to the role Nurture played in their lives, and the role it played/has played in their CDing.

A plus for you is that you are obviously familiar with Forums like most of the GGs who arrive. Once you get your ten posts you can then use the search box at the far right end of the banner on the lighter blue line under the CD logo.

[Ginger Jameson]

Personalities are like pendulums, when we pull too far one way we tend to start swinging wildly. But we also usually end back up closer to our true center. If this really is something he's been holding back since childhood it could all be pouring out in a torrent.There's a couple of possibilities I see from the little window you've given us:

First, perhaps he has been denying or hiding this from himself for a long time. Now that his inner woman is coming out, she's new and exciting because he doesn't really know her and he wants to. When you say you haven't been intimate and that he finds her more exciting than you, that's the impression I get. I found my whole new me around five years ago and if his discovery is anything like mine its exhilarating, terrifying, intriguing, and titillating all at the same time. It can be your deepest darkest fears realized one day and your naughtiest "bad girl" secret the next.

The second possibility is that he is just now discovering a truly new side of himself. There's not much difference between possibility one and two except that the first probably means a wider pendulum swing while the second could mean stronger feelings of fear and anxiety over what it all means.

In either case, if he's anything like a typical man and he hasn't been closeted gay/bi all his life, he's probably experiencing severe doubts about his own manhood and sexuality. To the uninitiated mind there's very little reason to want to dress and act like a girl that doesn't involve being with men. And even if he doesn't feel that way, he might be worrying that he's headed down that road.

How are you outside of intimate moments? Does he crossdress when you're home? If so, how do you react? If not, why not?

Do you shop together? Even if he doesn't go out dressed, you can look at things and talk about them. Letting him know what you think would look good on him can help to break down walls of fear he might harbor from worrying about how you really feel. It's very easy for a guy to hear one thing and thing "but what if she really means ___." Hearing my wife talk about it without fear or shame, especially discretely in front of fellow shoppers was very instrumental in letting me accept that i could be who I wanted to be without having to lock it away behind lies and closed doors.

Marriage counseling could also be a good idea. If so, definitely do not be the one to bring up crossdressing. The counseling should be about bridging the gaps in the relationship, not waylaying him with a psychiatric assault. Even if that's not what you're doing, it could be what he perceives. But you're half of the marriage and you deserve happiness, too. If it's been a year with more good than bad, it's time to seek outside help. That's true regardless of what underpants the husband prefers.

These are just suggestions, and you know him better than any of us. You're in a very tough spot with no easy answers, but if you're both still in love and your hearts are open to the changes this is going to cause, there's no reason you can't come through this stronger than ever. Giant revelations like "I want to cross dress" are a relationship's roughest waters. Sometimes you crash. But sometimes you make it through and learn there's nothing your ship can't handle.

[devida]

Hello Spirit

In addition to agreeing with and reinforcing what everyone has already said I wanted to make a few points. Please do understand that most of what is going on with your husband is an internal conflict that may not have a great deal to do with you. Gender identity issues, and dressing as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, is a gender identity issue whatever you husband may say, are very deep issues for many men. These issues directly relate to the way men feel about themselves, feel about their place in society and feel towards their loved ones. Gender issues for most men also have a very intense sexual component, especially at the beginning which may account for his attitude towards intimacy with you. I would encourage yourself to protect yourself as much as you can while being as compassionate as you can towards your husband. Cross dressing men, or anyone going through a gender identity issue, can be and maybe have to be amazingly self centered and self obsessed. The good news is that this does not continue forever. The bad news is that nobody has any idea how long it will continue. Yes he probably does need counseling. Yes he should probably get involved with a support group. But he might not.

What I can say is that it does not have to be such a struggle, especially for you. It is probably a good thing for your husband to explore his gender. Most people do not need to do this. Some people ought to but don't. Some people have to, because at some level there has always been some sort of mis match between who the person has always thought he was, who he thought people thought he was, and who he actually felt comfortable being. For people who do not have this problem, and it can be a great problem, this is very hard to understand. Making it even more difficult to understand is the uniqueness of each individual. As you read this board and the responses from people about these issues please bear this uniqueness in mind. We all have ideas and opinions but we are all heavily biased by our own experience and our experience is not yours and not your husbands. We will help as much as we can but this is an adventure that you and your husband embark upon. You, if you want to, your husband because he must.

Above all be kind to him and require kindness from him. This is a difficult, dangerous, but also potentially rewarding transition in your marriage but I promise you the extent to which you can respond to each other with kindness and compassion has everything to do with how painful or joyful this process turns out to be. Tell him that you will be kind and that you require kindness in return. It's not a lot to ask in any relationship and it is certainly not a lot to ask here.

[hope springs]

Welcome spirit.. married crossdresser here. We all have different reasons and motivations for dressing. Your path can only go foward when he decides to open up to you. He must open up, and its pandora's box inside him. A mix of confusion, denial, guilt and questions he may not have answers to.
We are here for one another, no matter which side of the relationship your on. Many have survived this, some even thrive. I hope your husband can open up. I hope you can understand one another again. Hang in there and ask all the questions you like

[JamieG]

Hi Spirit,

It is possible for crossdressers and wives to have a healthy, loving marriage. I should know, we've been there. I came out to my wife 12 years ago, and over time we have worked to figure out where CDing fits in our relationship. What works for us is a mixture of things: making friends with other CDs and their partners (but always getting together without CDing) and giving me time once a month to go socialize with other CDs is part of it. The key is communication. However, he may be embarrassed to talk about it, and it might be easier for him to first discuss things with other CDers in person or online before he can communicate clearly with you. If you can verbalize your support while also stating your personal boundaries (what you can and cannot tolerate) that my prompt him to open up to you. Don't expect him to have all of the answers, but do expect him to respect you and your feelings.

I wish both of you all the best!

Jamie

[Tracii G]

Welcome Spirit I hope you two can work this out or at least get a better understanding of your feelings.
Lots of people here in the same situation so you made the right choice by coming here.
This site is as open as you can get and the best site for understanding it all.
I have gotten to the point of not worrying about the whys of my gender issues but enjoying the best of both worlds.
I look at it as stepping out of one gender and into another because I have traits of both within me.
Read all you can here and I'm sure you will find the info you are looking for.

[amyjacks2014]

^.^

The thing that concerned me about this was when you said that he would tell you that he was not attracted to you, then taking it back. This is hurtful, and should be addressed immediately when it happens. It'd be easy to do ... you'd simply ask "You don't mean that, do you?"

Other than that, it sounds like there is a lot of exploring that needs to happen, perhaps BOTH of you need to explore a bit. He has to figure out the shape, contours, parameters and so on of his crossdressing. Is it a fetish, is it crossdressing, or does he want to make the transition across the gender line. How would YOU feel about these possibilities? Your exploration would go into how do you feel about the situation as it is at the time, what boundaries would you set on his activities, and what support could you give.

The advice given here has been excellent, and the suggestion that you and he should see a professional, either for couples counseling or for gender counseling is also a good idea.


Amy M. Jackson

[Mimi]

Hi Spirit, and welcome to the forum! You have come to a good place if you want information and support. I hope to see more posts from you so that you can apply to FAB--you need ten posts to belong to the forum for a week, and then you can apply. Keep on asking those questions or just plain venting!

[docrobbysherry]

Spirit, be patient with him. He may be as confused as u r and doesn't wish to discuss it because of guilt and shame.

Please realize that being a dresser is like skating on ice. We r constantly changing in our needs and desires to dress and/or to live as women. Most of never know what to expect next! I'll mention my journey as an example:

I began dressing out of the blue at age 50+. I thot long and hard about having real breasts and possibly SRS surgery.

I was certain I must have turned gay for dressing up in women's things. Or, that had always been, but denied it!
It took me 5 years alone dressing in a vacuum before I figured out I wasn't gay/bi.

Then, 5 years later, still desiring breasts and possible surgery, I gathered the courage to seek out others that had my same "shameful hobby". Arriving here, I quickly determined that other dressers were not pervs like me, but tend to be very interesting, accepting folks. And, after reading a lot of posts here, I was certain during the next phase of my dressing, my feminine side would push out into the world! And, I waited and waited for her to appear.

Now, about 2 1/2 more years on cd.com, the truth has finally appeared for me. Or, so it seems? I started wearing silicone female prosthesis and my desires for real breasts and vagina vanished!

I have no fem side that I'm aware of. I'm simply a CD who gets excited by dressing up and looking like a young woman. So, it sounds like my issues r solved, rite? But, no. I've discovered I love going out to clubs and events with other dressers. But, I HATE how I look going out dressed and feel very uncomfortable going out with them if I don't dress. And, I'm still dealing with self guilt and non-approving family members. It's taken me about 17 years of concentrated effort to get where I am now. I'm 71 and am running out of time to figure it all out! Sigh!

Please try to understand the slippery slope your SO is approaching. It's ok to be afraid. He could be, too. Try to gain his confidence. U both really need each other now!

[Rachel137]

I am very lucky to have a girlfriend that totally accepts me and my cross dressing.
I actually have "transsexual issues".
But anyway, It sounds like he feels uncomfortable with you. Also somewhat defensive. He knows you don't approve and there is much tension in the air between you guys.
I wonder how things would be with you guys if he felt comfortable with you, and you felt comfortable with him. But that would require that you accept him as he is and he feels like you guys are on the same side.
It sounds like you guys have a lot to work through.
I think this forum and this site is a wonderful place for you to be. Read about the different experiences of the people on here and you will learn a lot.
My girlfriend loves this part of me and we both share it and enjoy it. Especially when we go shopping!
I wish you guys luck and success in getting through this.

By the way....I think he still loves you. He would love your support too.

[kimdl93]

Lots of issues there. Way to complex for this group to resolve. You both need to see a competent gender therapist. H sounds as confused and conflicted as you...and unless you get some guidance from a competent therapist, each of you is likely to reach mistaken and likely destructive conclusions about yourselves, each other and your relationship.

[Beverley Sims]

It is nice to see you have an open and fresh mind about the situation.
I would just keep the communication lines open and talk about it when he wants to.
No pushing and try not to worry.
You seem to already understand the situation and if dealt with calmly let your husband come across when he is ready.
Maybe he is feeling guilt, I would say his love for you has not diminished and when the noveltyof dressing pales a bit I am sure he will come back to you.
I do not feel you are competing with any one but give him love and tenderness and I think he will eventually come around.

I am sorry as I am rambling a bit now telling it the way I feel.
Carefully weigh all the replies and variance of same and you maybe able to come to a conclusion.

I do wish you well and keep that open mind going.

[spirit]

Hi,

Thankyou for all your great replies, I guess I left out a lot of our journey so far, firstly he told me he was dressing, on advise from others he was talking to I think, partly though I had changed my job so I would be around more in the evenings so I guess his dressing was going to be harder to do. I think he feels he doesn't have to share everything about this with me, he takes lots of photo's but he will never let me see them, I do see him dressed, I know he doesn't like that really but he has no choice as i'm at home in the evenings now. Generally he dresses about once a month on average, I think he might be fighting the urge to do it most of the time. I really don't think he has accepted it himself and maybe he is confused about what this is all about for him going forward. What I do know is he has said some very hurtful things to me thats hard to shake off now, I am trying really hard but every time he dresses again I resent it all over again. I dont think he means to be horrible to me, it's just his way when he feels backed in a corner, he says he doesn't understand it himself then its just about the clothes, I think he needs help finding himself.

Men say women are complicated, a man whose a woman who's really a man omg now thats complicated.

[LelaK]

Spirit said: "Men say women are complicated, a man whose a woman who's really a man omg now thats complicated."

Indeed! Quite so! That deserves to be a "famous quotation".