Accepting... tolerate... support...

[Lidea]

Hi
Since these 3 terms get used often in discussions, I was wondering what exactly are their meanings wrt CD and SOs.
It would also be interesting if you can say which if these words fit your relationship.

Lidea

[Saepe]

My dad tolerates my CDing. He doesn't actively discourage it, but we winces when he's reminded of it and he often comes up with excuses for why he thinks I'm this way.

My brother accepts my CDing. He doesn't make a fuss because he doesn't really care, and he wouldn't try to convince me one way or the other.

My friend supports my CDing. She knows of and approves of it, and encourages me to keep going.

[Charla McBee]

There are only three people who know anything at all about me being CD or TG but I'd classify all three as being fully supportive. The first two (my wife and my mother) say they are behind me completely and would support me wherever I might end up and the third (a friend) is a probable shopping buddy.

I'd split the terms thus:

Tolerate- Do what you have to do but I don't want to see it. DADT.

Accepting- I might not understand or like it but I recognize this is something that isn't going away.

Support- I'm behind you 100% no matter how far it goes.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Charla McBee


This.^^ I'd only add that 'accepting' also includes some sort of acknowledgement and involvement in the activity so not DADT, but not necessarily enthusiasm, either. This is neutral territory, I guess.

In my marriage, I'm tolerant and I don't see that changing. My H is fine with this as at least I'm past outright rejection where I'd been teetering for some time.

My H is fully supportive of his dressing, obviously, lol.

My two friends who know would be somewhere between tolerant and accepting, but then they're not married to my H so they care a lot less then I do.

Thanks for asking this question, Lidea. It's more food for thought

[chanie]

The only people who know about me are my wife and 1 sister. My wife accepts me as I am but is not 100% supportive. My sister accepts and supports me all the way. Sending me jewelry, clothes & skyping while I am enfemme.

[Engendered]

I dislike all 3 words. The word with a closer fit would be 'encouraging'.
I wear my crossdressing on my sleeve, and it's usually the first thing people know about me. This has meant that the people I attract have been attracted to that side of me too.
The idea of hiding it and playing roulette later on is what leads to acceptance,tolerance and support, or unfortunately more likely distrust, disarray and divorce.

I feel I might be a tiny bit unclear, as to why I dislike the terms. It's not alcoholism. It's not a negative aspect of my life. I don't need support (obviously everyone needs support on a general level in life). I don't want to hear that my SO "accepts" my dressing, because it's not something to accept, any more than I accept my SOs legs, or her hair color, or her choice of sandwich filling, or her knitting or carpentry skills. And tolerate....whatever about support and acceptance, I could never do tolerate. I learned from an early age that there are girls that embrace this part of me, push it, have fun with it. Tolerance is a place I could never exist. It's a world of barely concealed hurt.

I really want to encourage those not yet in a relationship, to seriously consider being open from the outset when you meet someone new. I know it's not as easy as I'm making out, and I know there are plenty of good examples on this site of it working out anyway when you tell later on, but it's not a healthy path to take. The vast majority of the GGs on this site are those who had this thrust upon them unexpectedly. I have a lot of admiration for their willingness to learn and share their thoughts here, especially when it's something they dislike. Those who knew from the start, and loved it and encouraged it, likely never end up at this site because they don't need it. That's been my experience in any case.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Engendered, I know you're right. Women like me just weren't made to live with a crossdressing partner yet ended up with one anyway. If my H had wanted an 'encouraging' relationship, or even just an accepting one, he really should have worn his crossdressing on his sleeve. Literally. Then he and I would never have met. It's really that simple, isn't it? Luckily, he's okay with limits in his dressing and with my relatively low level of tolerance as he knew I was this way when we met yet married me anyway. So it's not all dire - just different

I do hope the young men here listen to you though, and find that gem among the rest of us - the one who will adore this side of them so that neither ever needs support.

[Zylia]

I guess you can accept the fact that your husband is a cross-dresser (in name only) without tolerating any form cross-dressing as well.

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Engendered I would just like to respond to your post in brief.

Maybe things have changed, but in my experience very few women find the prospect of a crossdressing husband/partner appealing. Since crossdressing is a part of me, but I would not say that it defines me, I'm not too sure that an encouraging wife would suffice. I don't want a wife who loves this aspect, but we don't share any of the important stuff like interests, beliefs, morality, how to raise children etc. When I looked for a wife, these were the qualities I was looking for. If you can find one you are in agreement with on this, the important stuff, and she is "encouraging" about your crossdressing as well, I suppose you've hit the jackpot.

For me, personally, I'd rather have a "discouraging" wife whom I am on the same page with in regards to non-CD issues.

[Beverley Sims]

Accepting fits me, tolerate would not be nice and support would be better.

[Judy]

Two out of three ain't bad!
My wife accepts the fact that I only wear panties. She tolerates it when I wear them around the house. She does not support either in any way however!
Maybe someday...

[Confucius]

My wife needs to be held and loved by a man. My wife needs to feel secure and protected by a man. My wife needs to love a man she can respect and honor. And I am her man. This means she does NOT support cross-dressing. She lets me know when I go beyond her tolerance limits. So we have boundaries, and that is fine with me. I do my best to live within her tolerances.

Mark me in the tolerance camp.

[Suzanne F]

This thread is painful to read. I guess it just reminds me that I am more on TS scale. I have a supportive wife at the moment. It has grown to be that as we have struggled down this path together. I know how difficult this is for all couples. However, real life is messy. There is no way to know what changes may occur to individuals who are married. I am sure most of us thought we would never really confront these issues. I certainly never planned on divulging this to anyone. Yes it should be shared up front. I think that as more of us come out it will be easier for younger generations to deal with this in a more honest way. In my case I cannot restrict being me to my closet. I so appreciate that my wife is attempting to stay with me and thrive in this difficult situation. If we fail it will not be because we didn't love each other. Sorry for rambling but this is really emotional for me.
Suzanne

[Eryn]

Tolerating: "You can wear that nightgown, but not to bed with me."

Accepting: "Sure, you can wear that nightgown to bed."

Supporting: "I was shopping today and found a new nightgown for you that you'll love!"


Now, before someone starts ripping me up, the above were mostly for humor, but humor is often based on truths!

I'm happy to say that my spouse is very supportive!

[jayme357]

In the 15 years or so we have been together the process has moved from encouragement to supportive to tolerant to resentful. Not sure what the next phase is but my freedom to be me has certainly been curtailed.

[Lidea]

Hi everone
Thank you for helping clarify these terms.

I suppose I should also give my opinion. This is not to be seen as the memorandum for the question posed though


Acceptance... I acknowledge it in his life, but will not judge him nor support him about or with it.
Tolerance... I acknowledge it in his life, but I hate every moment of it and might even show it, but just because I still love him and maybe cant or wont leave him, I allow him to do it, still no judgement though
Support.... I acknowledge it in his life, enjoy it as part of him and help him on that path

According to my own definitions, I am still finding my path between tolerance and acceptance.
That being said, these definitions and where one fits in regarding them, should not be seen or used to measure one's love for another.

Lidea

[mikiSJ]

I told my wife before we married that I was CD - that was 39 years ago. My wife at times was supportive but never really encouraging.

Not quite two years ago, after being forced into retirement, I announced a need to be more active in CD and that I wanted to be out of the house. My wife was tolerant of this new need for expression. I have no restrictions, but I do let her know when/where/who if I was going out.

Around a year ago, I announced I was TG.

Trust me, having a spouse who is accepting/tolerant/supportive of her husband's CD is in no way predictive of how the spouse will react when her long-term partner is wanting to change gender. We have gone from no-way, to accepting, to tolerant. I could only hope we could get to supportive. We are desperately trying to keep out marriage together.