Marriage: Should I Go For It?

[BeccaClark]

Hey! So I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years now, we're both 22. I finally came out to her last fall, telling her that ever since I was a toddler, I've been dressing up in women's clothing. She was distraught. We've came a little ways since that night, but not far. She doesn't tell me not to, but I can tell she doesn't LIKE that I do it. Other than that, she is madly in love with me, and I'm in love with her. She keeps hinting at marriage, saying how she wants a ring. I want to marry her, but I'm afraid that my cross dressing urges will become too much for her to handle and she'll leave me. I don't want that to happen, because nobody else knows about me CDing. I don't want the answer to "why did you guys divorce?" to be "because he felt it was necessary to dress up like a woman all the time".

Every time she'd bring up getting married (which is a lot), I would always just kinda brush it off, just because I don't want to get married if she's eventually going to leave me :/ I've never told her that that was my main reason for not wanting to get married.. until today. Here's the conversation:
Me: I love you baby!
Her: I love you too, Sunshine!
Me: I'm worried you'll stop loving me eventually :/
Her: WHAT
Me: Yeah
Her: I've been BEGGING you to spend forever with me
Me: I know baby. but you know what goes on with me, and I'm scared one day you'll think it's too much to handle thats my biggest fear.
Her: Babe. I needed some time to get used to it. And I'm doing better. In twenty years it won't even be the slightest problem. Just give it time, Sweetheart. Think about it - You've known about it much longer than I have, and you still struggle sometimes.
Me: Only because I want to be the perfect man for you. I wish I could control it for you, but I honestly can't.
Her: I know baby. And it's okay.
Me: I think the reason I do this stuff is the same reason you get all dressed up- to feel sexy. :/ does that make sense, or does that make me sound weirder..
Her: No baby. It makes sense.
Me: And I want to be honest with you about everything, so I'm not keeping anything from you, but I don't want you getting annoyed with me

That's when she called me and "assured" me that it'll be okay. That we've made it through much worse things than this. And that now I know what I have to do next (implying buying a ring).

I'm still quite worried that if I do this, she'll eventually desire a "manlier" man (even though I'm a motorcycle/car enthusiast, grease monkey, and a machinist). UGHHHHHH all these emotions.

I've always believed that marriage is forever. If I get married, I'm staying married. I just want her to be happy through the entire marriage. Should I just go for it, and hope for the best? Am I making this a bigger deal than it really is? Thank you in advance for any help!

[devida]

Why don't you tell her that the statistics are that the majority of people who marry before they are 27 divorce. I certainly did. I married at 19, had five great years and nine miserable before I finally divorced. I'm not unusual, except in my stubborn decision to stay married when it was clear that I should have divorced. 27 seems to be the magic number. After that the likelihood you will stay married soars. Try to avoid the whole gaudy topic of cross dressing when you make this kind of decision. Cross dressing pales in comparison to immaturity. Even worse you have been together since you were 17! The number of people who married and stay married to their high school sweethearts is vanishingly small.

And your last statement that if you get married you will stay married really, really suggests to me you should wait. If you were content with a starter marriage maybe that would be different. Developmental changes between 22 and 27 are considerable. You might not at all be the same person at 27 as you are now. Marriage is easy. Divorce is hard. Give yourself 5 years. What's the difference? You are absolutely correct that she is likely to leave you if you get married, but not because you are gender variant, but because that's what happens to the majority of couples who marry at your age.

[Eryn]

Why don't you tell her that the statistics are that the majority of people who marry before they are 27 divorce....

^^^^ THAT! ^^^^

You've got what sounds like a great relationship and I'm not saying that you shouldn't continue it. You should, however, recognize that marriages are, now more than ever, equal partnerships and are therefore not very stable unless both partners are themselves stable and invested in the partnership.

You're both 22. It would be better for you both to shack up for a while, each work on developing a stable and independent financial base, and see what happens. When the big 3-0 rolls around you might consider making things more permanent and perhaps having children. In the meantime, enjoy life and each other!

My own experience was that I did pretty much what was described above. After eight years living together my GF and I decided that our goals were divergent and went our separate ways. It wasn't fun and it didn't feel good, but at least we had each kept our own individual finances and we didn't have a messy divorce to enrich the lawyers. A year or two later I met Mimi and by that point we were better equipped to make a commitment.

[Kyrianna]

Hi Becca,

I have been Married for 9 years. Like all relationships it has ups and downs. Ask yourself why you want to get married. Don't just do it... You should be sure... if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her... then propose...If she is not ready for that step she will tell you. She sounds supper supportive and you are super luck to have that. I did not get married until i was 30. You have lots of time...enjoy it.

[lingerieLiz]

I've been married longer than dirt. The key is total truth between the both of you. I told my wife soon after we started dating. We talked about it, but she thought when we married she could change me. I thought I could stop. Neither was true! A lot of our marriage has been great with some bad times beyond our control. We have made it and accepted that the two of us have changed as life goes forward.

Marriage is what the couple makes it. There is no simple plan for life.

[kathtx]

Becca, as counterpoint to everyone telling you you're too young, I'll mention that I was 22 and my wife just shy of 20 when we married. We'd lived together about a year first. Our 28th anniversary is in 3 weeks.

Whatever you decide, you're both going to change and grow in years to come. What both of you need to decide is whether to go through that together.

[sometimes_miss]

Get married when you're ready to have kids, in fact, don't get married until she's already pregnant. In fact, unless you're going to have kids, there's absolutely NO reason for a guy to get married, there's no up side.
A piece of paper is worthless; people do much better when they WANT to stay together, rather than when they feel like they have to; that only breeds resentment, and is the beginning of the end.
Marriage really isn't about love; it's a financial contract where YOU agree to financially support her for the rest of your life, it virtually never works the other way around; when couples split, it's the woman who gets, the guy who pays.....forever. Remember, she will get money, and you will NOT get sex in a divorce settlement. You will be paying and getting NOTHING, and have way less to attract another woman.
Basically, NO ONE needs a piece of paper to love someone, and if they tell you otherwise, they're trying to manipulate you into something. Yes, I've been there.

[Aprilrain]

Yes, I believe that the crossdressing will become an issue for her in the years to come.

I know you don't want to hear it but frankly you are way too young to be making this decision.

Trust me divorce sucks for everyone! Men usually have to pay child support and often spousal support too and most women significantly disadvantage themselves by leaving careers and youth behind to have and raise children. No body really wins.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Becca, You will know when the time is right .
My wife was 19 and I was 21 when we got married over 50 yrs. ago I wouldn't change anything.
We have two wonderful Daughters in their mid 40s' and a very lovely twenty year old
Grand Daughter that we are young enough to enjoy.

[Wildaboutheels]

I have been married more than once. As have many other people. Ring or no ring, no one can know what lies down the road for themselves or their partner. The ONLY guarantee is that both people WILL change.

I suggest you look up when and why marriage was started. It has not evolved to keep up with the REALITY of today. Which is why they continue to be ever shorter in duration. Staying with someone for ___________ simply because you signed a piece of paper saying you would, is not a very good idea IMO. It takes 2 to tango and it takes 2 to compromise. If only one person is willing to compromise, it's doomed to failure or unhappiness or both.

I think a more important question you need to ask yourself is WHY are you worried about where your dressing may lead?

At your age, a very easy assumption is that you dress at least sometimes to visit Ovill?. IF this is the case, have you told her?

After 5 years, why the sudden pressure to get married?

You did not say IF she caught you dressed or you simply decided out of the blue [after 4 years] to tell her?

[Stephanie Miller]

Very smart of you to look into the future and try to take the right course. I have found divorce to be the single one thing in my life to hurt the most. I can only guess you might get someone to suggest pre-marriage counceling with a person who is transgender wise. And yes, that would be wonderful. Only problem with that advise is that small tidbit of a problem that hits most of us. Money. It's easy to suggest counceling.... but hard to pay for it. Especially at your age. My only suggestion is to get as much info on it in front of her, and you, and BOTH go over it so there is no misunderstanding where it has the POTENTIAL to go.
Good luck to you both.

[anna kate]

Hi Becca,

I usually don't reply to posts, because everybody else has covered what I'd say.

I didn't tell my wife until we were married 25 years ( now married 48 years). There was a rocky few months after I told her, but we are getting along just fine now. she is not super supportive, but she is very tolerant.

Your girl friend (the way it appears to me) wants to very much make a life with you. There can be some "rocky" times ahead, but those crop up in any marriage. Being open with each other. is more than half the battle. She'll maybe want to set up some "boundaries", this is not a bad thing. If it were me, going by what you said, I'd go for it. Put some trust in your relationship and forge ahead.

That's my opinion Hon, use it as you may. Anna Kate

[Stephanie47]

Even if your girlfriends appears to be accepting and supportive and seems fully committed things can change. Once the 'puppy love' wears off, then marriage truly begins. Both sexes tend to overlook or minimize issues during the courting stage. Go for it with the proviso that you don't have kids until both of you really know each other. I'm sure you've read many posts of women doing a 180. And , I'm sure you've read many posts by women that her "man" is always in a 'pink fog' and expanding the cross dressing boundaries.

[kimdl93]

It will be ok. Marriage is about accommodation. If you throw away this chance at a LTR, one with a partner who knows and is willing to try, the it may haunt you the rest of your life.

[Katey888]

Becca,

You're asking yourself all the right questions and supplying quite a few of the answers too... If you're still worried; if this doesn't quite feel right; if you have fears that this is too soon after your revelation to her - then you are probably right to hold off...

Marriage is about much more than a ring - I'm sure you know and feel that - but you should also be asking the question 'why' you need to marry - what is it that makes it so necessary for you? If you can both answer that and end up with a mutually shared need, then you're probably on the right track.. but you could still agree on a long engagement... see how the feeling of commitment works out...

Oh - and talk about it LOTS...

Good luck!

Katey x

[Tracii G]

Been married twice and never again.
I have a hard time giving my heart to anyone because I have had two women rip my heart out and stomp on it.
Sorry to be a Debbie downer but I would rather be alone than suffer thru that again.
I will say things change people change its just the way life is.
Looking back are you not a lot different at 22 than you were at 18?
That goes for 27 looking back at 22. As people we progress interests and desires change no matter how much you love the person you married.
I would suggest wait a few years at least.

[Emi_]

If I had read all the horror stories around here about hiding things from wives or about being rejected by wives before I got married, I never would have done it. Marrieage is up to you - never make a decision based on the opinions of strangers on the Internet. However, as I said, look at the threads around here - it's a biased perspective and it can leave you feeling like human relationships are just about impossible for transgender people.

By the way, I've been married nearly 12 years now. My wife knows everything and I have lots of freedom. We are happy and healthy.

[Rachel Morley]

I don't want to sound negative but is this just about her wanting a big diamond ring to show off to her friends or is this about her wanting to spend the rest of her life with you? Remember this, marriage is very easy to get into and very expensive to get out of! Tell her you will always be with her and no diamond ring or piece of paper (marriage certificate) will ever change that.

I agree with Erin, why not move in together, that's a fairly serious commitment and can cost as much as a diamond ring but you'll have togetherness, privacy, independence and much more which is crucial for nurturing your relationship. There are many ways to show commitment .... without a diamond ring.

[mykell]

hi becca,
much useful advise here, would be a shame to lose her, sounds like a good outcome since last fall, i was engaged for 6 years and apologized for it the whole time, money always seems to avoid me, but it was a commitment. so if you guys believe that you would like that type of commitment and if you guys can work out a plan financially and romantically then its a commitment, your both young and dont need to sprint into a wedding, take your time and enjoy the ride.....youll get there eventually.

[Simone_40]

From the Book (& Course), Divorce Care, divorcecare.org
Reasons remarriages fail-Moving too quickly is #1. Their stats on remarriages: 87% of 3rd marriages fail; 93% of 4th marriages fail.
Don't shoot me, I'm just the Messenger.

[MssHyde]

you right to be cautious.. its bit me

[Rachael Leigh]

My suggestion is being that she knows of your dressing and wasn't real thrilled about would be are you willing to stop doing it or not make it a part of the relationship. You yourself need to know what you expect when it comes to her needs and what she expects of yours. How important is dressing for you? This is not something easy for a relationship to handle
Good luck

[Tracii G]

Remember at 22 girls want to be able to say they are married.
Its some kind of magical thing to a 22 year old girl.
Maybe her Mom is pushing her to get married because you two have been together a while.
I say shack up for a few more years and see where it goes.
Pie in the sky love only lasts for so long then all the personal traits of each other get annoying to be quite frank.

[janetcgtv]

Go for it! She seems that she is OK the way you are. You would not be happy if you did not try to have a LTR with her. About half of all marriages end up in divorce. Only God knows your future. You could be one who could be married for 50+ years in a loving relationship.

[Genny B]

I was 20 when I married my 19 year old wife. It has been an interesting road, but I would do it again in a heartbeat! We ran off and married without telling our parents. I think that part made us more committed than most. But then again, we have only been married 36 years so far. You need to listen and then decide what is right for you. Is your girl friend the same religion? I think that helps allot also!

Genny B