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Thread: Marriage: Should I Go For It?

  1. #1
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    Marriage: Should I Go For It?

    Hey! So I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years now, we're both 22. I finally came out to her last fall, telling her that ever since I was a toddler, I've been dressing up in women's clothing. She was distraught. We've came a little ways since that night, but not far. She doesn't tell me not to, but I can tell she doesn't LIKE that I do it. Other than that, she is madly in love with me, and I'm in love with her. She keeps hinting at marriage, saying how she wants a ring. I want to marry her, but I'm afraid that my cross dressing urges will become too much for her to handle and she'll leave me. I don't want that to happen, because nobody else knows about me CDing. I don't want the answer to "why did you guys divorce?" to be "because he felt it was necessary to dress up like a woman all the time".

    Every time she'd bring up getting married (which is a lot), I would always just kinda brush it off, just because I don't want to get married if she's eventually going to leave me :/ I've never told her that that was my main reason for not wanting to get married.. until today. Here's the conversation:
    Me: I love you baby!
    Her: I love you too, Sunshine!
    Me: I'm worried you'll stop loving me eventually :/
    Her: WHAT
    Me: Yeah
    Her: I've been BEGGING you to spend forever with me
    Me: I know baby. but you know what goes on with me, and I'm scared one day you'll think it's too much to handle thats my biggest fear.
    Her: Babe. I needed some time to get used to it. And I'm doing better. In twenty years it won't even be the slightest problem. Just give it time, Sweetheart. Think about it - You've known about it much longer than I have, and you still struggle sometimes.
    Me: Only because I want to be the perfect man for you. I wish I could control it for you, but I honestly can't.
    Her: I know baby. And it's okay.
    Me: I think the reason I do this stuff is the same reason you get all dressed up- to feel sexy. :/ does that make sense, or does that make me sound weirder..
    Her: No baby. It makes sense.
    Me: And I want to be honest with you about everything, so I'm not keeping anything from you, but I don't want you getting annoyed with me

    That's when she called me and "assured" me that it'll be okay. That we've made it through much worse things than this. And that now I know what I have to do next (implying buying a ring).

    I'm still quite worried that if I do this, she'll eventually desire a "manlier" man (even though I'm a motorcycle/car enthusiast, grease monkey, and a machinist). UGHHHHHH all these emotions.

    I've always believed that marriage is forever. If I get married, I'm staying married. I just want her to be happy through the entire marriage. Should I just go for it, and hope for the best? Am I making this a bigger deal than it really is? Thank you in advance for any help!

  2. #2
    Member devida's Avatar
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    Why don't you tell her that the statistics are that the majority of people who marry before they are 27 divorce. I certainly did. I married at 19, had five great years and nine miserable before I finally divorced. I'm not unusual, except in my stubborn decision to stay married when it was clear that I should have divorced. 27 seems to be the magic number. After that the likelihood you will stay married soars. Try to avoid the whole gaudy topic of cross dressing when you make this kind of decision. Cross dressing pales in comparison to immaturity. Even worse you have been together since you were 17! The number of people who married and stay married to their high school sweethearts is vanishingly small.

    And your last statement that if you get married you will stay married really, really suggests to me you should wait. If you were content with a starter marriage maybe that would be different. Developmental changes between 22 and 27 are considerable. You might not at all be the same person at 27 as you are now. Marriage is easy. Divorce is hard. Give yourself 5 years. What's the difference? You are absolutely correct that she is likely to leave you if you get married, but not because you are gender variant, but because that's what happens to the majority of couples who marry at your age.

  3. #3
    New Member Kyrianna's Avatar
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    Hi Becca,

    I have been Married for 9 years. Like all relationships it has ups and downs. Ask yourself why you want to get married. Don't just do it... You should be sure... if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her... then propose...If she is not ready for that step she will tell you. She sounds supper supportive and you are super luck to have that. I did not get married until i was 30. You have lots of time...enjoy it.

  4. #4
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    I have been married more than once. As have many other people. Ring or no ring, no one can know what lies down the road for themselves or their partner. The ONLY guarantee is that both people WILL change.

    I suggest you look up when and why marriage was started. It has not evolved to keep up with the REALITY of today. Which is why they continue to be ever shorter in duration. Staying with someone for ___________ simply because you signed a piece of paper saying you would, is not a very good idea IMO. It takes 2 to tango and it takes 2 to compromise. If only one person is willing to compromise, it's doomed to failure or unhappiness or both.

    I think a more important question you need to ask yourself is WHY are you worried about where your dressing may lead?

    At your age, a very easy assumption is that you dress at least sometimes to visit Ovill?. IF this is the case, have you told her?

    After 5 years, why the sudden pressure to get married?

    You did not say IF she caught you dressed or you simply decided out of the blue [after 4 years] to tell her?

  5. #5
    Senior Member Stephanie Miller's Avatar
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    Very smart of you to look into the future and try to take the right course. I have found divorce to be the single one thing in my life to hurt the most. I can only guess you might get someone to suggest pre-marriage counceling with a person who is transgender wise. And yes, that would be wonderful. Only problem with that advise is that small tidbit of a problem that hits most of us. Money. It's easy to suggest counceling.... but hard to pay for it. Especially at your age. My only suggestion is to get as much info on it in front of her, and you, and BOTH go over it so there is no misunderstanding where it has the POTENTIAL to go.
    Good luck to you both.

  6. #6
    anna anna kate's Avatar
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    Hi Becca,

    I usually don't reply to posts, because everybody else has covered what I'd say.

    I didn't tell my wife until we were married 25 years ( now married 48 years). There was a rocky few months after I told her, but we are getting along just fine now. she is not super supportive, but she is very tolerant.

    Your girl friend (the way it appears to me) wants to very much make a life with you. There can be some "rocky" times ahead, but those crop up in any marriage. Being open with each other. is more than half the battle. She'll maybe want to set up some "boundaries", this is not a bad thing. If it were me, going by what you said, I'd go for it. Put some trust in your relationship and forge ahead.

    That's my opinion Hon, use it as you may. Anna Kate

  7. #7
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    Even if your girlfriends appears to be accepting and supportive and seems fully committed things can change. Once the 'puppy love' wears off, then marriage truly begins. Both sexes tend to overlook or minimize issues during the courting stage. Go for it with the proviso that you don't have kids until both of you really know each other. I'm sure you've read many posts of women doing a 180. And , I'm sure you've read many posts by women that her "man" is always in a 'pink fog' and expanding the cross dressing boundaries.

  8. #8
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    It will be ok. Marriage is about accommodation. If you throw away this chance at a LTR, one with a partner who knows and is willing to try, the it may haunt you the rest of your life.
    Our only truth is narrative truth, the stories we tell each other and ourselves, the stories we continually recategorize and refine. Such subjectivity is built into the very nature of memory. Oliver Sacks

  9. #9
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Becca,

    You're asking yourself all the right questions and supplying quite a few of the answers too... If you're still worried; if this doesn't quite feel right; if you have fears that this is too soon after your revelation to her - then you are probably right to hold off...

    Marriage is about much more than a ring - I'm sure you know and feel that - but you should also be asking the question 'why' you need to marry - what is it that makes it so necessary for you? If you can both answer that and end up with a mutually shared need, then you're probably on the right track.. but you could still agree on a long engagement... see how the feeling of commitment works out...

    Oh - and talk about it LOTS...

    Good luck!

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by devida View Post
    Why don't you tell her that the statistics are that the majority of people who marry before they are 27 divorce....
    ^^^^ THAT! ^^^^

    You've got what sounds like a great relationship and I'm not saying that you shouldn't continue it. You should, however, recognize that marriages are, now more than ever, equal partnerships and are therefore not very stable unless both partners are themselves stable and invested in the partnership.

    You're both 22. It would be better for you both to shack up for a while, each work on developing a stable and independent financial base, and see what happens. When the big 3-0 rolls around you might consider making things more permanent and perhaps having children. In the meantime, enjoy life and each other!

    My own experience was that I did pretty much what was described above. After eight years living together my GF and I decided that our goals were divergent and went our separate ways. It wasn't fun and it didn't feel good, but at least we had each kept our own individual finances and we didn't have a messy divorce to enrich the lawyers. A year or two later I met Mimi and by that point we were better equipped to make a commitment.
    Eryn
    "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    "She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
    "Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]

  11. #11
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    Been married twice and never again.
    I have a hard time giving my heart to anyone because I have had two women rip my heart out and stomp on it.
    Sorry to be a Debbie downer but I would rather be alone than suffer thru that again.
    I will say things change people change its just the way life is.
    Looking back are you not a lot different at 22 than you were at 18?
    That goes for 27 looking back at 22. As people we progress interests and desires change no matter how much you love the person you married.
    I would suggest wait a few years at least.

  12. #12
    Member Emi_'s Avatar
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    If I had read all the horror stories around here about hiding things from wives or about being rejected by wives before I got married, I never would have done it. Marrieage is up to you - never make a decision based on the opinions of strangers on the Internet. However, as I said, look at the threads around here - it's a biased perspective and it can leave you feeling like human relationships are just about impossible for transgender people.

    By the way, I've been married nearly 12 years now. My wife knows everything and I have lots of freedom. We are happy and healthy.
    REBEL WITHOUT A CLOSET!
    All trans* girls are NOT created equal. https://www.flickr.com/photos/emi_again/

  13. #13
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    hi becca,
    much useful advise here, would be a shame to lose her, sounds like a good outcome since last fall, i was engaged for 6 years and apologized for it the whole time, money always seems to avoid me, but it was a commitment. so if you guys believe that you would like that type of commitment and if you guys can work out a plan financially and romantically then its a commitment, your both young and dont need to sprint into a wedding, take your time and enjoy the ride.....youll get there eventually.
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that those who deny freedom deserve it not for themselves
    NOBODY gets a pass to blow out someone else's candle in order to make theyre's shine brighter

  14. #14
    Banned Read only Simone_40's Avatar
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    From the Book (& Course), Divorce Care, divorcecare.org
    Reasons remarriages fail-Moving too quickly is #1. Their stats on remarriages: 87% of 3rd marriages fail; 93% of 4th marriages fail.
    Don't shoot me, I'm just the Messenger.

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    A California Girl Rachel Morley's Avatar
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    I don't want to sound negative but is this just about her wanting a big diamond ring to show off to her friends or is this about her wanting to spend the rest of her life with you? Remember this, marriage is very easy to get into and very expensive to get out of! Tell her you will always be with her and no diamond ring or piece of paper (marriage certificate) will ever change that.

    I agree with Erin, why not move in together, that's a fairly serious commitment and can cost as much as a diamond ring but you'll have togetherness, privacy, independence and much more which is crucial for nurturing your relationship. There are many ways to show commitment .... without a diamond ring.
    .
    The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!

  16. #16
    Some Where In Time MssHyde's Avatar
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    you right to be cautious.. its bit me
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  17. #17
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    My suggestion is being that she knows of your dressing and wasn't real thrilled about would be are you willing to stop doing it or not make it a part of the relationship. You yourself need to know what you expect when it comes to her needs and what she expects of yours. How important is dressing for you? This is not something easy for a relationship to handle
    Good luck

  18. #18
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    Remember at 22 girls want to be able to say they are married.
    Its some kind of magical thing to a 22 year old girl.
    Maybe her Mom is pushing her to get married because you two have been together a while.
    I say shack up for a few more years and see where it goes.
    Pie in the sky love only lasts for so long then all the personal traits of each other get annoying to be quite frank.

  19. #19
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    Go for it! She seems that she is OK the way you are. You would not be happy if you did not try to have a LTR with her. About half of all marriages end up in divorce. Only God knows your future. You could be one who could be married for 50+ years in a loving relationship.
    Marilyn Monroe says "I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it".
    and I wish I was born a woman

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Genny B's Avatar
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    I was 20 when I married my 19 year old wife. It has been an interesting road, but I would do it again in a heartbeat! We ran off and married without telling our parents. I think that part made us more committed than most. But then again, we have only been married 36 years so far. You need to listen and then decide what is right for you. Is your girl friend the same religion? I think that helps allot also!

    Genny B
    Dani (Genny before Transition)
    All Girl!

  21. #21
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Becca, you are right to think seriously about getting married. I probably should have thought more about that when I got married the first time. The second time was a winner, we've been married 38 years this August. Any marriage requires that both partners respect the feeling s of the other and may need to compromise their own wants to "keep the peace". This goes both ways.
    I race sports cars, my wife lets me do that although she doesn't enjoy it nearly as much as I do. She go with me sometimes but not always.

    My wife had a horse ( he died several years ago) that she dearly loved and I didn't complain. I went to some of her horse related events.

    I'm using this as an example of the give and take/mutual support that loving partners give one another.

    You can read in many posts about the limits that many of us agree to so that the SO will let us continue our little hobby! Constant communication is the key!!

    Read a lot on this forum so that you can get as good an understanding of crossdressing and the motovations that drive us to wear womens clothes as you possible can. Its had to communicate with the SO if we don't have as much information as possible. That said, none of us have all the answers.

    Good luck, I hope your relationship works well for both of you !!

    Hugs Bria

  22. #22
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    I appreciate all the advise! But for those of you who say "you're too young, you're not mature enough", I don't want to say You're Wrong, but I really feel that you're wrong. Every couple is different. And there are a LOT of people who rush into things without thinking. I'm not that kind of person, and neither is she. I've dated SO many women, and I've never met anyone like this. She's literally been my best friend ever since I've met her. And those of you saying "once the puppy love wears off, thats when marriage really starts". Well, the "puppy love" wore off a couple years ago, but when I look into her eyes, I know that she's my other half, and I'm hers. There's noone else who could take her place.

    My reason for posting this thread wasn't because I'm indecisive on wether or not I want to be with HER forever, the reason for the thread was to ask what the likeliness of her changing her mind because of the dressing. She SWEARS to me that it's not a big deal. But if I put myself in her shoes (no pun intended), I don't know how I'd feel if she wanted dress and feel like a man.. I suppose it would just take some getting used to, just like she says she'll get used to my dressing.

    And like a kimdl93 and a couple others have said.. She didn't run away when I told her I dressed (she found a couple pics, I came clean), She's willing to work through this WITH me. If I decide not to take the chance, and leave her, I may never find someone as understanding and openminded as her again. Which will haunt me for the rest of my life.

    LeighR, honestly, if it ever did become too much for her and she wanted to separate it from our relationship, I would gladly do that.

    Thanks again, Ladies. I think that through talking all this out with fellow CDers, It's cleared up a lot in my decision!


    Quote Originally Posted by janetcgtv View Post
    You could be one who could be married for 50+ years in a loving relationship.
    I'm glad you mentioned that! Both sets of grandparents have been married 50+ years, my parents have been together 30+ years, and none of my relatives have had a divorce. And I have a huge family! Thanks for the support!


    And Genny B, congrats on your successful marriage so far! )

    Bria, you're absolutely correct! communication is key!
    Last edited by Katey888; 07-12-2014 at 06:21 AM. Reason: Consecutive posts merged - please use edit to add to existing post rather than adding a successive post...

  23. #23
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Make sure you level with her. If before the marriage it's just crossdressing, just the clothes, and after marriage you start talking about the woman inside and transition, there could be trouble. If you are sure what drives you, and she knows what drives you, then go for it, and best wishes.

  24. #24
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BeccaClark View Post
    [B]...Her: I've been BEGGING you to spend forever with me
    Me: I know baby. but you know what goes on with me, and I'm scared one day you'll think it's too much to handle thats my biggest fear.
    Her: Babe. I needed some time to get used to it. And I'm doing better. In twenty years it won't even be the slightest problem. Just give it time, Sweetheart. Think about it - You've known about it much longer than I have, and you still struggle sometimes.
    Me: Only because I want to be the perfect man for you. I wish I could control it for you, but I honestly can't.
    Her: I know baby. And it's okay...

    ...That's when she called me and "assured" me that it'll be okay. That we've made it through much worse things than this....help!

    What devida said best, and what many others here have reiterated as well... All are very valid points to be considered before you take as giant a step as marriage at such a young age.

    But what I want to focus on here is your girlfriend's avowed commitment to making all this work even when it comes to your crossdressing, or as she put it, "In twenty years it won't even be the slightest problem". Really? In 20 years? That's a heckuva long time to wait for everything to be just peachy-dandy with your crossdressing. What are we talking about here? - acceptance of your crossdressing, or waiting for fine whisky to age in an oak cask? A lot can change in 20 years. And if kiddies come along in the meantime, this will introduce a whole new element into the marital dynamic, and will all bets be off at that point?

    If you have read any of the posts on this forum, you will have realized by now that acceptance of our crossdressing by our wives or SO's is probably the No.1 relationship issue here, even for those who profess adamantly that their wives are either fully supportive, or at least tolerant or accepting of this "quirk". And realistically, DADT in its various forms is the norm here, including in my own 43 year (yikes!) marriage - and especially for those who only revealed their crossdressing desires after they were married.

    You will also find in said posts that one of the key frustrations of our sisters here is that our wives or SO's also typically blow either hot or cold on this subject. One day they're fine with it, and the next day they're not. But women being the emotional creatures that they are and being subject to the vagaries of their hormonal flows, that's pretty much par for the course for their often irrational flip-flops on every other relationship issue as well. And in that universe, our crossdressing ranks right up there with infidelity, alcoholism, drug use, spousal abuse, in-laws and financial woes as far as deal-breakers go...maybe even more so.

    I was married at age 23, or around the time the Earth's crust cooled ,when getting married that young was the norm, and people actually still believed in (and adhered to) the "'Till Death do us part" vows. I, too, drank the Kool-Aid and bought into this type of life-long commitment, which explains why I am still married today. But to say that, at times, it has also been a bumpy ride would be an understatement. And I can most definitely assure you that I am NOT the same person that I was at age 23, and haven't been for a long, long time. And to be honest, there is no way in H*ll that I would have gotten married that young again if I had to do it over again, knowing what I know now.

    So Becca, heed the advice of the others here and "Cool your jets", as Bart Simpson would say. Give it some time, you're still a work in progress. And above all, don't let your girlfriend push you into something you aren't ready for yet - that would be a recipe for disaster. If it doesn't feel "right" for you at this time, odds are that it isn't, either. And if she is what she claims to be, she will still be with you in 5 years or so from now, and you will both be in a far better position to make an informed decision as to whether or not you really want to spend the rest of your lives together.

    Good luck, and I hope you make the right decision on something that will have such a huge impact on your future...
    Last edited by Leslie Langford; 07-11-2014 at 10:48 PM.

  25. #25
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    From what I've read here, a lot of SOs who are accepting at the beginning, become less accepting as time goes on and they see their husband getting more into crossdressing. So I suggest let her see more crossdressing. See how she handles shopping with you for Becca. Is she willing to see Becca all dressed up? Is she willing to got out with Becca?

    My crossdressing was the last thing I thought of before I asked my now wife before I asked her. I convinced myself that is was just a fetish, just a phase I was going through. Now I know it wasn't just a phase. Even though she had some hints early on, she didn't really find out (discovered) until we were married almost 30 years.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

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