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Thread: Marriage: Should I Go For It?

  1. #26
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    None of us know you or your girlfriend so it feels weird, and presumptuous, to give an opinion about something as important as marriage - but you asked. You have been with this girl since you were 17 and she with you so for all practical purposes you have each only dated one person in your life (at least since high school). Given just that, and being only 22, the chances of this working even if there was no crossdressing issue is pretty small. Adding the crossdressing and her reservations about it, along with your reservations about her reservations, makes me think that marriage is a huge mistake. I know you can't understand this yet, but you and she are going to change a great deal in the next few years as you are just barely beginning to enter adulthood now. The world won't end if you put marriage off for a while - what's the rush?

  2. #27
    Opposed to the Typical GeminaRenee's Avatar
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    I feel like the fact that you have to ask this question in an internet forum full of complete strangers should probably tell you what the answer is.
    "She ain't waiting 'til she gets older, her feet are makin' tracks in the winter snow.
    She got a rainbow that touches her shoulder, she be headed where the thunder rolls."

    -Van Halen, "Secrets"

  3. #28
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    My 30 year marriage dissolved because of... this.

    Garth Brooks said "I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance".

    If you love her and she loves you, that's something not to be missed. Who knows if she'll still be ok with you wearing dresses 30 years from now. There's no way of knowing. There's more to life.

  4. #29
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Becca,
    Marriage is not something you go for.
    A lot of careful consideration is needed.
    You and your girlfriend will know when the time is right.

    It always happens so naturally and is rarely rushed.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  5. #30
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    I've been married longer than dirt. The key is total truth between the both of you. I told my wife soon after we started dating. We talked about it, but she thought when we married she could change me. I thought I could stop. Neither was true! A lot of our marriage has been great with some bad times beyond our control. We have made it and accepted that the two of us have changed as life goes forward.

    Marriage is what the couple makes it. There is no simple plan for life.

  6. #31
    Member kathtx's Avatar
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    Becca, as counterpoint to everyone telling you you're too young, I'll mention that I was 22 and my wife just shy of 20 when we married. We'd lived together about a year first. Our 28th anniversary is in 3 weeks.

    Whatever you decide, you're both going to change and grow in years to come. What both of you need to decide is whether to go through that together.
    The end of fear is the beginning of wisdom -- Bertrand Russell

  7. #32
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Get married when you're ready to have kids, in fact, don't get married until she's already pregnant. In fact, unless you're going to have kids, there's absolutely NO reason for a guy to get married, there's no up side.
    A piece of paper is worthless; people do much better when they WANT to stay together, rather than when they feel like they have to; that only breeds resentment, and is the beginning of the end.
    Marriage really isn't about love; it's a financial contract where YOU agree to financially support her for the rest of your life, it virtually never works the other way around; when couples split, it's the woman who gets, the guy who pays.....forever. Remember, she will get money, and you will NOT get sex in a divorce settlement. You will be paying and getting NOTHING, and have way less to attract another woman.
    Basically, NO ONE needs a piece of paper to love someone, and if they tell you otherwise, they're trying to manipulate you into something. Yes, I've been there.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 07-12-2014 at 01:58 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  8. #33
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    Yes, I believe that the crossdressing will become an issue for her in the years to come.

    I know you don't want to hear it but frankly you are way too young to be making this decision.

    Trust me divorce sucks for everyone! Men usually have to pay child support and often spousal support too and most women significantly disadvantage themselves by leaving careers and youth behind to have and raise children. No body really wins.

  9. #34
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    Hi Becca, You will know when the time is right .
    My wife was 19 and I was 21 when we got married over 50 yrs. ago I wouldn't change anything.
    We have two wonderful Daughters in their mid 40s' and a very lovely twenty year old
    Grand Daughter that we are young enough to enjoy.
    Last edited by BLUE ORCHID; 07-19-2014 at 04:17 PM.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

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  10. #35
    Shoe shopping shrew natcrys's Avatar
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    Marrying at 22? I'm gonna sound like an old grandma.. but what's the rush with you kids?

    People tend to change the most during their twenties.. going to university, starting their careers, chasing their dreams, meeting new people outside the normal comfort zones of the teenage years.

    Sure, your girlfriend says she *thinks* she will be okay with your crossdressing.. and this might be true, but.. the one sure thing is.. there are many unknowns here.

    It's a stereotypical thing .. but like with most stereotypes there is a bit of truth to it: women often enter a relationship/marriage in the thought that their partner will change/come around.. or that they can change them "for the better".

    So, she might say she's fine with it.. but perhaps she's thinking that 5 years into the marriage you will dress less.. or you will have kids.. and then you will stop. And perhaps you might stop.. for a while. And then the urge to dress comes back with a vengeance. The internet forums are full of these anecdotal stories, but also actual books and articles on crossdressing/transgender studies have described that for most of us.. the urge never goes away.

    I applaud you in your honesty with her and in being cautious to enter a marriage.. but please take care.. reassurances at this young age really don't mean anything.

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  11. #36
    New Member CDhusband-Coping2014's Avatar
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    From my own experience I would make sure you have plenty of discussions to make sure you both are comfortable with CDing. It is easier to do it in the beginning than later.

  12. #37
    South FL girl nikkiwpbfl's Avatar
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    A friend of mine once told me that she believes women get married thinking that if they could just change that last 10% to 15%, their guy would be perfect while men get married hoping their SO will remain just as they are..............Don't know if that's true universally but

    If she doesn't accept you 100% as you are............not just tolerant or DADT...........IMHO. you would be foolish to marry her as it's likely to become a huge issue somewhere doown the line........ take it FWIW as an observation from someone who's been there done that

  13. #38
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    I'm going to be completely honest here and not pull any punches.

    She needs to see your CD side and be able to be with your CD side without any issues, and you need to do that for awhile to make sure she's absolutely fine with it - I'd do this for a couple of years - for two reasons.

    1. You need to make absolutely sure she's fine with your CD side. I've never ever known anyone who stopped CDing forever, call it an affliction (not a "hobby" as someone in another thread suggested. Rug hooking is a hobby, leathercrafting is a hobby, knitting humorous underwear is a hobby. CDing is not a hobby) or whatever you want but this is something you will do again and again. If she's having issues with it now and can't get over it, then this is something that will affect your marriage in a negative way for the rest of your married time together. If you want a smooth marriage, you need to make sure this speed bump is taken care of now or it absolutely WILL come back to haunt you. Marriage is hard work, and this is something that you don't need adding fuel to the fire. My 2nd wife once told me she was fine with it but in every argument we had, she'd always bring it up against me. And it angered me every time she did. You really REALLY don't want that.

    2. You're really young. So was I when I got married the first time, the exact same age as you. It didn't last long, about two years. I have one daughter from that marriage and that is the only good thing that came out of it, but my little one (hah, she's 32 now) is the ONLY good thing that came out of that marriage. The woman I married was very immature and took my credit cards one day and just took off, left our daughter with a babysitter and disappeared, and I ended up with about $32,000 of debt from her and this was back in the early 1980s, it took me years to dig out from under that. She's still alive today, but none of us have ever seen her again (we know she's alive because we've found evidence on the web). I'd really suggest that you wait a bit longer and make sure you're both emotionally and FINANCIALLY ready to get married. I know I sound like an old coot, but please don't make the mistakes I did - and I made PLENTY.

    We can just advise, but it's your life. All I'm saying and all most of us are saying is please don't make the same mistakes we did. It's something you never truly get over.

    ~Mel
    ~Linebacker Melissa

  14. #39
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're very sure she's the right person to make that commitment to. I would advise against marriage if you weren't positive. One bit of advice I heard from someone that makes sense. Are her parents still married? Children from broken homes are likely to repeat what their parents did, which is divorce after so many years.

    Maybe you should go ahead and get engaged but make the engagement period at least a year if not two. You're at an age where she may suddenly change, though it sounds like you're a great match. Don't rush into, but keep the romance alive. Read a couple of relationship books and make sure you're both OK with comprimises in the CD dept.

    BTW, I married a total mistake because I wasn't thinking straight at the time. But that's another story.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  15. #40
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    My wife was 22 when i married her. Today is our 11th anniversary. We are still going strong. The key isnt the age, its being 100% sure this person is right for you. If the CDing is the only hang up then talk with her some more about it.
    In 15 years my wife and i have had precisely 3 fights. Why so few? We truly let the little things slide. We both have issues we are immovable about, and we respect those boundaries/issues about each other so dont violate them.
    Make SURE that CDing is the only thing stopping you. You could be in denial about some issues and are using the dressing as an excuse. Talk, talk and talk some more.

  16. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by nikkiwpbfl View Post
    A friend of mine once told me that she believes women get married thinking that if they could just change that last 10% to 15%, their guy would be perfect while men get married hoping their SO will remain just as they are
    I agree with this concept, that old saw about "A woman marries a man, hoping to change him. A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change" and so far from what I've seen in 55 years of life this is true everywhere, with very few exceptions.

    ~Mel
    ~Linebacker Melissa

  17. #42
    Member Nadya's Avatar
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    Becca,
    This is something I'm personally going/gone through. Funny thing is that my girlfriend/soon-to-be fiancé is from Iowa. First thing is I'm surprised she has tolerated having to wait so long. I'm joking (kinda). My SO has been on me to propose for about 1.5 years of our 3 year relationship. The one thing that I've found after coming out to her was that she indeed needed some time to come to terms with my crossdressing but she has been fully supportive. That hadn't made her love me any less as she still hints about proposing (and likes to plan for a wedding already). Take you relationship slowly through this and it will be less of a shock for her. If she's your best friend as you say she is, this could just be a hurdle that all couples go through during their relationship. Good luck!

  18. #43
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Some good advice on here. But, i would say, don't live together for a while, and give each other lots of space for a while, but talk on the phone, and go out on dates and see if you too can , or can't do well without each other. No sex! If after several or six months, you see you just cannot live without each other, talk it all out.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  19. #44
    Junior Member Sc0rp10N's Avatar
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    I've been divorced, long before CDing was a thing for me. My contribution is this - a strong, healthy, fun and energetic sex life is THE most important thing to keeping a marriage going well. At least this is my experience as my second one is having the same issues lacking in that department, and it ain't for the lack of trying...

  20. #45
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    I really don't thin you're too young at all. "When it's right it's right". She's also not specially someone you should rule out either, but I would say this.

    Don't go for it now.

    This isn't based on any theory about how society works today but more based on subtle things in your own explanation of the situation.

    1. She's been wanting the marriage for a long time, and the fact that this has held up the marriage means this will be at the center of all the nerves that build up in wedding planning, or the elephant in the room. This means that running into it now will probably stunt both of your exploration of this new shared experience. The stress may overcome either of you.

    2. It's been 6 months with little progression. This means she's probably seriously hurt by the loss of trust, but scared as well of losing you since she really does care about you. This is somewhat promising depending on how much you expect her to truly support you in the long run. It also means you two have A LOT of soul searching, and talking to do before you'll know where you both stand. It took my SO over a year to really get past the odd thought pattern she developed for herself after only like 3-6 months of dating, so don't be surprised if she isn't very productive in the short run, but only do what you feel comfortable with. She wanted to "fix" me, as someone else said that women tend to do.

    3. If your in a place (and I'm assuming she is) where marriage is for life, there is even more of a reason to go into it knowing where you stand. I'm sorry if this comes overly harsh, but your the one that held information out to cause the problem, don't expect her to solve it on her own with the emotions she's had building up. Broad romantic gestures (maybe even an engagement ring - with no date set for marriage), might convince her you're trying to make this more serious, which is what she wants. A permanent - irrevocable bond (as you view it), may not be what she wants to enter into, especially with this information. I have known people that for private issues like this, or just because of lack of time, stayed engaged for longer than you two have been dating. If she really wants to be with you for life, as long as you remind her why you love her, it'll be hard for her to really get too fed up of not getting married.

    I'd say it's the other way around. There's not much you can do to MAKE UP for a bad sex life. Great sex doesn't always make good relationships.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sc0rp10N View Post
    I've been divorced, long before CDing was a thing for me. My contribution is this - a strong, healthy, fun and energetic sex life is THE most important thing to keeping a marriage going well. At least this is my experience as my second one is having the same issues lacking in that department, and it ain't for the lack of trying...
    Oh and BTW I'm getting pressure to marry as well. Her family is Chinese, where unmarried women of a certain age still have stigmas around them, much more so than here.
    Last edited by Katey888; 07-13-2014 at 03:22 PM. Reason: Consecutive posts merged - please use edit to add to existing post rather than adding a successive post...

  21. #46
    Senior Member 5150 Girl's Avatar
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    I have to wonder,,, Has your girlfriend met Becca yet? Right now, you can kind of have a don't ask don't tell policy. When you are married, and living together, things will be very different.

  22. #47
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    I was married for 17 years, and have been single for 30 years. That said, I have seen many more marriages fail than succeed. Marriage seems to be a goal for most women, because they have little to lose. Some men just keep getting married again and again.
    Women seem to be accepting for a lot of things before marriage, thinking they can change the guy later. As for sex, you will get far more sex, and more variety as a single person, than you will in marriage. I would definately wait a while if she is pressing for marriage. You have little to gain, and much to lose. If she dumps you, she didn't love you in the first place. I'm always amazed at how women can say how much they love a guy, and then just dump him when he doesn't propose according to some kind of timetable. Believe me, I've heard it all. "He changed", "She changed", "She was bi polar, and stopped taking her meds", and on and on.

  23. #48
    Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Marrying my wife was the best thing I ever did. If not for her I'd be in a deep, dark crossdressing hole by now. Yes, I think crossdressing can be a hole if not managed correctly and having the stability of a wife helps me maintain that balance to a degree.

  24. #49
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    Before we were married I told my wife to be that I was a transvestite. She was visiting me in another country and when I was at work she searched my closets to find what lingerie I had. She decided that wearing panties etc. was OK and never did any other investigating and so decided that it was OK.
    Well, after marriage she objected to my being dressed around the house and my cross dressing turned out to be a major impediment to a good relationship.
    So, my advice is to find a good counsellor and talk this through in great detail. Make sure that you know yourself as a cross dresser and that she knows in great detail what cross dressing is and how it can evolve through ones life. Only make the decision based on full knowledge of what cross dressing is and what both parties expect from this marriage.

  25. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melissa_59 View Post
    I I've never ever known anyone who stopped CDing forever, call it an affliction (not a "hobby" as someone in another thread suggested. Rug hooking is a hobby, leathercrafting is a hobby, knitting humorous underwear is a hobby. CDing is not a hobby) or whatever you want but this is something you will do again and again. If she's having issues with it now and can't get over it, then this is something that will affect your marriage in a negative way for the rest of your married time together.

    ~Mel
    I agree with the statement about cross dressing not being a hobby. Not only is it not a hobby, it changes over time and can become much stronger and manifest itself in new ways. Be absolutely clear and honest about everything before making a marriage decision.

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