my boyfriend likes to crossdress, and a few other "problems"

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Ask yourself if he looks at you like other men have when seeing you naked. Do you see the hunger in his eyes and feel the heat of his sexual interest in you and for you?

Often people will reject what they are naturally attracted to and try to force their sexuality to conform to what they think is the correct way of feeling and behaving. This causes misery for everyone.

He is not rejecting you and I suspect he would be acting this way with any woman.
.

Yep, I have lived this for many years. It took my H finally acknowledging he IS a fetish dresser for me to finally understand all this. Sometimes, and I assume this is out of shame or perhaps social pressure, crossdressers will say it's about 'feminine expression' when really they mean 'sexual expression'. I'd suspected this for years as my H's behavior never added up to what he told me. Counselling, major marital upheaval and time finally revealed the truth. Now, it all makes sense and yes, he does look at me differently than a 'normal' heterosexual man. His desire for me will always be tempered by his desire for his fetish.

I don't know what the other side of this is like, living with a trans dresser, but I can say the fetish dresser has major difficulties in a relationship, too. I agree with Leslie that Dan Savage is the go to guru here, and I also agree you've done your bit. You're young. You have time!

If your profile name reflects your birth year, go have fun and forget this heavy nonsense. You only get a twenty one year old's body once. What I would do with it if I had it back!

[Erica Marie]

I cant speak proffesionally, but it sounds as if he is either selfish or confused. He is young and never being in a relationship has alot to learn.
If I was him I would be beyond myself. You sound like every crossdressers dream. An accepting lady who is willing to accept and participate in his life. WOW, heck now Im confused. :brolleyes:

[Dena]

Sounds to me like his inexperience is the biggest problem. He hasn't learned to have sex with a partner. As for the porn, it could be easily be fantasy.

I had a similar late start, and had difficulty climaxing with my lady until I learned how to use my tool. I had this mistaken notion that I had to go deep for her pleasure. I found that shallow thrusts worked better for both of us for the climax. So like many things in life an attempt for balance is needed. My apologies if I'm mistaken, or too lewd.

[freeindress]

It seems obvious that many young guys are easy prey for the parasitic porn industry, since they grew without a successful real world sex education nor relationship building counseling.
If he did not become too selfish yet, you may be able to touch his heart when telling how much you were upset when he got off on a dress, then you can set a new rule that all sex shall only take place with both of you totally naked, and preferably with a large mirror in the bedroom, so he is forced to see the real deal happens between two human beings so much more warm and alive than a textile accessory or 2D motion pictures of twisted, faked relationships.

[Frédérique]

my boyfriend likes to crossdress, and a few other "problems"

I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this, but there are PLENTY of fish in the sea, and the next guy you meet will probably not be a crossdresser or transgendered wannabe…

On the other hand, you may meet a male who specializes in physical abuse, an expression of latent gynophobia, so beware. ALL males have problems, you know...

BTW, I think futanari are kinda cute…

[Jessy Jamz]

Well it sounds like your boyfriend has a crossdressing fetish and is very likely bi or gay or somewhere in the queer (in the non-gender-binary way) spectrum. He is probably confused about it and not wanting to confront it. A cding fetish means hes not really interested in sex w/o the clothes, although if he is trans or non-gender binary or whatever then of course that can be wrapped up in his sexuality as well. One thing is for certain, he's not going to magically change and just be "normal". The best thing is to see a therapist. The sooner he confronts that stuff the better, because if he keeps it hidden he's going to continue to be ashamed (which he definitely seems to be) and all that shame is really bad for your emotional health.

He does need support so he can feel better about this stuff but don't feel like you are expected to stick with him if you have reservations about whether this is right for you. These are hard things to confront. It took way too long for me to confront my gender issues, and while my wife is supportive of me I honestly think if she knew where things would end up with our relationship she wouldn't have stuck around in the beginning. And looking at it from my perspective now I wouldn't blame her. I love her very much and value her support so so much but not being honest with myself in the past meant I was not being honest with her either...

[tammie]

hi Im sorry but he is gay , so be nice smile and say goodbye

[Wildaboutheels]

"I did show him these posts, after we had a little bit to drink last night, (so I actually had the guts to do so)"...

NOT the best plan ^^^ if you are looking to save or salvage the Relationship.

SERIOUS matters should be discussed with CLEAR minds even at 21.

[DonnaT]

When one (some people) spends a great deal of time getting off on a certain fantasy, it can be hard to retrain the mind to respond to other stimuli.

[Jenniferathome]

Confused, take a step back and look at this relationship objectively. What does your objective self say? Occam's Razor is the only way to look at this. You can't make something happen or make someone change. Your boyfriend is confused and trying​ to be someone he is not. Be his friend but there is no future for you two. Sorry.

[amy101]

Tell him how u feel don't allow him to where the dress all the time set some ground rules.

[docrobbysherry]

I am a single, straight fetish dresser, Confused. I've been dealing with this issue for about 17 years and I'm 70 now. I find the sex to be good and very addicting. I'm not attracted to men no matter how they're dressed. And, I'm having difficulty finding "room" in my life for a female partner. But, that is just me and may have nothing to do with your BF.

Here is my opinion, tho. U r both too young to form a life partnership that will last. At 21, most men with no gender issues don't know S from Shinola. He may be telling u the truth when he says he doesn't know. And, may be trying to figure himself out for many, many years. As I am.

When u 2 break up, u will look back on this relationship as a learning experience. As it should be. Fortunately for u, and probably unfortunately for him. U will eventually find someone who appreciates u. While he may look back on u as the special one he drove away!

[Amanda M]

Looks as if your man is in a very confused state. What is clear is that he is moresexually attracted to his various fetishes than he is to you. That is the bottom line. Now you MAY be able to help him change, but frankly, it is unlikely that you will succed. Answer this simple question - is the way his sexuality presents a good foundation for a loving and fulfilling relationship for you? Only you can answer that. When you have done, honestly, bearing in mind all YOUR needs, wants and hopes for the future, you will knowwhat to do.

[PaulaQ]

@Confused93 - You have some information about your SO now, but you don't really know enough yet to make an informed decision, in my opinion. I would ask though, whether or not the relationship is really good in every way except for sex, and perhaps for your discomfort over his crossdressing? The reason I ask is that by all appearances, you are a straight girl, and he appears to be a crossdresser, at the very least. That is not the easiest combination for a relationship. It can certainly work out OK, but it's not for everyone.

By the way, I suspect your SO's attraction to transgender pornography is WAY more common amongst crossdressers and other transgender MtF's. Not many on this forum will likely admit that they like this stuff too - I certainly did back before I understood my own gender issues. (I hate this stuff like poison, now. It is totally degrading.) Anyway, that's not as rare as you might think.

So I'll talk about one of your sex issues first - namely that you make him orgasm, and then he does nothing for you. The way around this is to have sex more the way lesbians have it - take turns making one another feel good. Since he has neglected you, I'd make him start, and then only do what he likes once you've climaxed. (I'm a lesbian, and yeah, we tend to take turns with each other.) This brings up a few things that may make this difficult for you:
1. He seems to have difficulties with penetrative sex - this may be a big problem for you, as many straight women prefer this to anything else
2. YOU may not be very comfortable with your own sexuality / sex role - when you have sex with him CDed, with you as the top, and you penetrating HIM. These are stumbling blocks for a lot of women - and I believe you mentioned that doing these things were not great for you.
3. You may find that alternating making one another feel good isn't as satisfying for you - climaxing together is sort of the holy grail for many straight people.
4. You both seem like you are "bottoms" sexually. This isn't an impossible situation, but you both may really have difficulty feeling fulfilled sexually because both of you seem to need your partner to "take charge."

I would also ask your SO to tell you his whole history of crossdressing, and his interest in transgender women. When did he start CDing? Does he want to completely present as a woman sometime, or is just wearing a garment or two all he cares about. Would he want to be crossdressed at other times, other than sex? Don't be judgmental about this stuff, or at least try not to be. I'm sure it all seems pretty weird to you. (BTW, his desire for anal sex doesn't mean he's gay - this is more common in straight men than you might expect.) It'll be hard for him to talk about this stuff, in all likelihood.

I hope you are both able to be happy together, if that's what's meant to be, and that it isn't, you can break it off amicably and before either of you are totally invested in the relationship. Be prepared to consider a little counseling as a couple with a therapist who understands sex / gender issues.


@The Forum - By the way, it's really reassuring that seemingly so many on this forum view the young man's attraction to transgender women as a fetish - as if someone can't be legitimately attracted to us for our own innate qualities as human beings. Thanks - I feel really validated as a person now! I mean, sure, the pornography he likes is quite unrealistic as is most pornography, but I'd hoped that folks on the forum here would view women such as me as people, rather than as objects for a paraphiliac's sexual gratification. (But what the hell, the rest of the world mostly views us that way anyway, so what am I complaining about?)

[jjmetro]

This actually sounds somewhat similar to my friend and I. She's not my SO, only because we don't really click anywhere other than in bed. I don't dress with her, and she's not into that part. Even though I would like to be dressed, it's not just about me. Sometimes I don't "get there", but I always make sure she does as much as possible. When we first started the role reversal, I def enjoyed it, though the insecurity of someone actually willing to go there with me had its affect on me for sure. I had issues "rising to the occasion". With time this went away. I think you two need to find your boundaries, what you are and are not willing to do. insecurities fade with comfort. He also needs to know that you need satisfaction as well. You have needs as well as him. communication is the key, and if you can find some mutual ground, I'm sure you can have some mind blowing sex. If you've incorporated this much, this early, there's only the limits you set. For someone with unusual tastes (him), finding a willing, even though unsure, partner (you) is a godsend. Remind him that he is lucky to find someone that is willing to cater to his fetish, but that you also need him to reciprocate.

[Wildaboutheels]

So you joined 2 weeks ago and are 21 and presumably a female? Have you read the how straight of a guy are you thread?

Your entire post gives every indication that your fella is "turned on" by many things...

but YOU are not one of them. At his age, the chances of you changing that are probably slim and none.

But IF all his other qualities make him a "keeper" you can try.

[CONSUELO]

I suspect that he is not being honest with himself. Part of that inability to confront himself and his sexual needs might be fear of what is unknown. At this stage there needs to be a completely honest discussion and to do that you both have to feel secure. I always feel that a good counsellor who has experience with cross dressing is worthwhile.
At his age I did not really understand who I was sexually and found all sorts of excuses to dismiss my cross dressing as just a trivial fetish. I was ignorant and fearful and I now look back and wish that I had the option to really confront "myself" and find out who I truly was.
I feel for you as you are going through a terrible emotional trauma. You need support too and I hope you find it.

[confused93]

It's really nice to know that I'm not the only one that had gone through this, and I think it's nice for my boyfriend to know the same. I did show him these posts, after we had a little bit to drink last night, (so I actually had the guts to do so) and he felt unsure and really hurt that some of you just automatically assumed it couldn't work, and I'm honestly hurt too. :/ I know the people who said it were just being honest, but I wasn't looking for people to tell me to break up with him, I need/needed advice on how I can accept it and try or attempt to make it work. We've agreed that we aren't gonna give this up, especially that easy. It's so easy to say "dump him" when you don't know the whole situation. I admit, I didn't give all the information about our relationship, just parts about our sex life. He is non abusive, has no addiction, and when we are together we click as perfect as a couple can.
The information that I've (or I should say we've) gotten from a few people, like @jjmetro, @mechamoose and @Cara Lacy especially, has already helped US so much. Although we have a long road ahead, we both have enough faith to try a little longer. I did let him know that it is okay to like what he likes, that I accept it, and love and adore him the same. I'd still like to hear opinions, and advice. And even though he is iffy about it, I do believe he'd like to also. I sent him the link to this thread, so if you have something to say personally, do so, he will get it. Thank you all again!

[NicoleScott]

It isn't unusual for a crossdresser to be embarrassed about spilling his guts for the first time ever. It's hard, and there is a tendency to hold back. But since the cat is out of the bag, it's time for complete honesty, both for him and for you. That is, you shouldn't let him think "whatever floats your boat" if it really isn;t true, like his porn watching. But before you DTMFA, see if you can have an honest conversation. Sometimes "I don't know" is a real answer, and sometimes it's a cover for not wanting to tell the truth, all the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

[Cara Lacey]

I'm glad I could help. If you and/or your boyfriend have any other direct question and you would like my input or, more of my personal experiences, you are welcome to PM me.

Cara Lacey
@CaratheCD

[Lorileah]

she can't PM you until she gets 8 more posts.

Now Confused, try and read through the forum and get 10 posts so you can join the GG area. You will get the perspective of the women on here. Have your BF join so he (she) can discuss her worries and issues with us too Good Luck

[hope springs]

To the boyfriend:
Most of us here are into some stuff thats out in left field. Never be embarassed about what gets you off. Its your life, so own it. You may benefit from being honest about your kinks and why you like them. This can bring clarity o your kinks so you can tell your girlfriend more clearly what and WHY your into certain things. Trannies and anime? I like tranny porn too, told my wife and didnt even blink. Why? Cuz no sense beating around the bush. Rejection is hard, and vunerability harder. Be willing to accept the first, and be brave enough for second.

To the confused girlfriend:
You sound like a trooper. He is lucky, alot of women arent. They are naturally gravitated to masculine energy and have problems feeling that energy after they see their man dressed. Also, if they bring dressing to the bedroom they arent comfortable since most are hetero and it makes them question their orientation. He has said he isnt gay, 90% of us dressers are straight. So i will offer the following from my own pov. I like to feel pretty sometimes. It makes me feel better about me. I like the shoes and dresses cuz they help me feel desired, wanted. Now im not an idiot. In no way do i resemble a woman, but the feelings are there all the same. Most men arent made to feel desired. Men are often the seducer and then women either accept or reject the advances of men. She simply signals she is willing and he proceeds. Nowwhere in there is a man made to feel sexy. So for me dressing allows me to feel that other side. Theres more to it, but sexually speakin that is the appeal. Ask him to explore gis thoughts and emotions while dressed, it will shed some light on his motivations. It did for me. Engage him in some meaningful dialogue while dressed. If he can get comfortable with his femme side, it may open up his masculine side. We humans are two sides of the gender coin, we dressers choose to explore both sides. I reject that gender is exclusive to man or woman, and we should express ourselves in whatever manner makes up happy. Help your boyfriend find that level of acceptance, you will bth be better for it

[Stephanie47]

Confused.. I did not read all the posts. However, i did read many that suggested "dump him." I've been married forty plus years. Cross dressing is a part of MY life. It is NOT shared with my wife. It's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Sex is a very important part of a love affair. It's a very private affair. If his needs can only be met with cross dressing that is NOT good for him and for you. I would discount the fact you are his first sexually active girl friend. He may be embarrassed. He may be confused. His entire sexual past may be consumed with cross dressing. He may need to be educated. The big issue is whether or not YOUR needs are also going to be met.

I'm sure many of the "dump him" responses are based on experience. Most of us men realize the life of a cross dressing male is not easy. Most of us have learned to respect the wishes of our wives. That means keeping cross dressing out of the bedroom, and, in most cases keep it private.

Sex is really nothing more than another way to communicate fondness for a person. It's sharing a feeling of exclusiveness. If that feeling is not being shared, well...there is no point in being with that person. Those who are saying "dump him" are doing nothing more than expressing the sentiment that living with a cross dressing man is not easy.

If your needs are not going to be met, you'll know when to end the relationship.

[PaulaQ]

@confused93 - I'm really glad the two of you are trying to work through this. When it's worth it, two people can make many, many situations work. There are many successful relationships on this forum between crossdressing men and straight women. I hope you are both able to find your way through this together. Best of luck!

[mykell]

welcome confussed, some here may never find clarity, some have...

a broken heart can come across as blind, yours does not seam to be broken as you have showed a vested interest in working with his "kinks", so it must be love,
my first time was not my best performance, hearing a GG say dont tell anybody about this is never good for the ego, so as some have said there are nerves, the clothes may be like a security blanket, many things he still does not have answers too, im a little shocked by some of the answers you received, were usually a pretty supportive bunch with the variations of our spectrum, and if your still willing to put in the effort buy all means go for it, your still young and its a relationship, some take more time to evolve than others and some just dont last as long as others, we humans are a fickle species, this relationship can certainly mature with time, but if its too much for you dont forsake a happy and healthy "normal" one because of the way you may "click" otherwise.


in your title you mention that he crossdress-es and a few other "problems".

most here dont feel the crossdressing is a problem, myself included, with a place like this to come to and feel normal makes all the difference in the world and if the other "kinks" (problems) are that to you i dont think it (the relationship) will last, but he should consider joining and seeing if we can help him understand where he may or may not be with his desire to do this thing we do, i dont think it will hurt, then consider seeing a professional also if you feel they can help.

just my opinion, it may be wrong......

you may want to get your ten posts in to have access to other areas of the forum. look around and search some threads.