Can we truly stop? (All responses welcomed)

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

I figured it has been some time since I posted a "musing of my mind" and as I am nursing a few injuries and Isha time is not really an option right now I thought . . . "Why not post?" I will try to keep it short (yeah I know . . . "sure Isha" )

Anyway, I noticed a theme in a few threads about "curing, stopping, halting, taking a hiatus and whatnot" from CDing. A response to a thread started by Laura (If a cure existed would you still be you?) about exercising willpower as a potential key to stopping got me thinking . . . Can we truly just quit if we exercise willpower? I am interested in all takes on this (and of course will put my own spin on it) but I would ask that we keep things to responding to the question "Can we quit" and not spiral into "should CDing be cured" "would you want to cured" . . . Thanks.

While I agree in theory that "will power" is a strong enforcer when it comes to some things in our lives and has been very helpful for curbing a variety of addictions . . . I truly believe that CDing is not an addiction in the true sense of the word. Yes while some CDers can get addicted to buying shoes, dresses, undies, etc., these tend to be secondary to the need to dress not the cause of dressing. So, while there is no real body of literature which lends itself to "why we CD" most tend to agree it sits on the spectrum between nature (biological) and nurture (social) most likely more biological than social. For myself I know that Isha (i.e., dressing) is integral to my personality as much as my boy side is. I am not addicted to her, she is just there.

There are lots of examples of will power being used to help to curb addictions like alcoholism, gambling, drugs (i.e., success). However, contrarily CDing has a high recidivism (not the best choice of words . . . sorry) rate. All you have to do is read this forum to identify the countless attempts at "purge" only to return to CDing. Yes it is possible that some folks have had success and have gone on with their lives but from what I have read both on this forum and scholarly journals . . . it is very rare. So while addictive personalities can be controlled by exercising "will power" in addition to support groups, counselling, etc. . . . not so much for CDing.

IMO CDing is not an addiction akin to others as most of the others lead to some sort of "self destructive" behavior. On the other hand from what I have read on this forum, for many CDers dressing (in whatever form), tends to have the opposite effect in that it calms them, gives them clarity and makes them feel happy. In my own personal circumstances, I suppressed my desires for 30 plus years until Isha made her appearance. However during that time I slowly slid from happy go lucky guy to angry hostile douche bag husband and finally spiralling into a very dark depressive place (truly self-destructive) . It wasn't until I embraced Isha that I managed to pull myself back. Yes, you can argue that some CDers may spend way too much money on clothes, potentially lose friends, family and livelihood due to CDing but is that truly "self-destructive" in the manner a gambling addiction is or drug use is self-destructive? The end result is that the CDer (for the most part) is at peace with her/himself (once they accept themselves) and is able to cope better in the world.

So while it might be easy to say " take off that dress, put on pants and just do it" I think we are dealing with something different than an addiction (for most). So IMHO I don't think we can truly quit. We might be able to take a hiatus for various periods to time but we will always return to CDing in some form or another.

So what are your thoughts on this?

Hugs

Isha

[MissTee]

Same here, Isha. Once I learned to accept me in all my weirdness (including dressing) I became much happier inside, and according to my wife, much easier to live with. I simply do not see me going cold turkey and quitting because I would be miserable.

[Lucy_Bella]

Good question and I guess the answer would depend on what type of CDER you are..Can you stop being you ? would be the question for most on this site but I like to look a little deeper into this cding thing..

I picture myself on a deserted island ( no girl stuff around for miles) ..I've think I have found my answer ..Now ask yourself that same question would you find a way to compensate your cding needs with no girl things ?

[Jodi]

No, we can not stop. This is 61 years of cd experience speaking.

Jodi

[Marcelle]

. . . I picture myself on a deserted island ( no girl stuff around for miles) ..I've think I have found my answer ..Now ask yourself that same question would you find a way to compensate your cding needs with no girl things ?

Hi Lucy . . . very good counter question and one I had to give some thought to. I guess in the sense do you mean would I find a way to "dress en femme" (grass skirt and coconut shell bra comes to mind ). Probably not as I would be too busy figuring out to survive. However, that part of me which is Isha would remain resident - dressing is not sexual for me it is just part and parcel of who I am so the compulsion to dress "en femme" would most likely mitigate (not disappear) if I did not have the opportunity. When I left the desert island then I would most likely return to dressing as the opportunity would present itself again. Hope that makes sense.

Hugs

Isha

[Alice Torn]

I believe that extreme circumstances can alter ones' behaviour, such as being put in jail or prison, or put into military service in war zones, or like Lucy said, on a deserted island, with no lady stuff. Religions that condemn crossdressing, make it extremely hard for a member to be one. I have been through that. It is DADT, like a DADT marriage. If the urge, or compulsion, drive to CD is gone, then I think one can quit. Most who quit, likely will have the inner girl, or CD, still pulling, and unless one replaces CDing with other hobbies, interests, people, it would knaw at times, sometimes awful. I don't think that would go away completely. i believe one can quit the ACT of dressing, though.

[kimdl93]

I totally reject attempts to associate transgenderism with addictive behavior. (On a side note, I question the whole will power notion of curing addiction, but that's a whole other subject.).

My father was left handed and grew up in an age where it was actually still viewed as a problem. Through his school years he was forced to write right-handed. He did so dutifully, even after finishing school, and his hand writing was atrocious! Despite the social pressure and even misguided punishment, he remained left handed. No amount of will power was going to make him normal in that respect.

I know this to be true of my gender identity. Whether I choose to dress or not at any given moment, I am what I am. Believe me, I tried for decades to repress or deny this aspect of myself. All that exercise in will-power yielded was self loathing, frustration and sometimes not so latent anger.

I know it's possible to suppres or repress or even pronounce oneself as cured. But I also know the visceral, emotional and even physical toll resulting from repression and denial.

[Dena]

No, I don't think I can stop (I have no desire to do so). How I dress has changed though. I met an accepting woman (we dressed as ladies of the night for our first halloween together). When we met I had explored female impersonation for several years, but hadn't found what I wanted in regards to socializing enfemm. I wanted to dress up and socialize with women, which isn't easy to do! Then I grew a beard and haven't dressed all the way in many years. I still have my wardrobe, though these days I'll just lounge in my silk pj's or nightgown and robe. I always wear panties and sleep in a nightgown.

Then we got married and bought a house and I wonder if I'll ever have any meaningful time to myself!

[Jenniferathome]

I am sure that one can quit dressing for very long periods, but one is still a cross dresser. The result of "stopping" is adverse personality issues. For me, when I was in hiding from my wife, I was colder, less loving, and generally harder in every way. At some point, cross dressing will happen again, however. It may simply be underwear, but it will happen.

As an aside, I do not agree with your comment about cross dressing being an addiction.

[Seana Summer]

I think some can stop and some can not. It kind of depends on how much you enjoy Crossdressing. To some it is just clothing. To others it is a major part of who they are

I enjoy crossdressing and really have no need to stop. If something came along that I enjoyed more and conflicted with CDing than I will not CD.

The I think the question for many is, what do you really enjoy? What brings you comfort and happiness? There are few things that are more important than ones own enjoyment of life........... But there are a few

[MsVal]

I have a great deal of willpower but I don't have much faith that crossdressing is something that I can quit.

Many years ago I had a problem with drinking. I made up my mind that I would not do that any more and one day I simply quit. Some years later I went from a pack and a half smoker to zero one morning by just stopping. More recently, I dropped 1/3 of my weight in under a year using the same willpower.

I'm not boasting, I have plenty of compensatory failures, but those things that are difficult for lots of people were easy for me. I was able to set my mind to accomplish those personal goals and got them done.

Those were addictions and behaviors. Crossdressing is something different. Something internal.

I recently had a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety. My medical doctor put me on a drug that stopped those feelings, and it works very well. I told my therapist about it and said I was going to use it as an aid for quitting through willpower. She said it could help a lot with the anxiety, but it won't do a thing for the thoughts.

It appears that she is right (again). The compelling, intense desire to crossdress (or anything else, for that matter) is gone. I can now go without crossdressing and not feel miserable. The thoughts still occupy my mind all day long. The medicine has blocked my passion to act on any thoughts, whether CD or not.

(Unfortunate side effect: While sadness and anxiety are gone, so are happiness and excitement. It's not a great tradeoff but it's what I've got right now.)

Best wishes
MsVal

[ReluctantDebutant]

What a great topic, Isha, its one that I have been thinking a lot of lately.

Addictions.

Addictions don't have to be "self destructive" to be an addiction and feeling calm and happy it what causes all addictions. To have an addiction all one has to do is to engage in a behavior that causes certain brain receptors to receive neural chemicals that it really, really likes. These receptors the build up a tolerance for the chemical which means it needs more and more until it can't take any more. But if the receptors stop receiving the chemical it starts to go trough withdrawal causing a negative feedback to the body. Addictions that come from something internal like the self generated feelings from CDing are harder to recognize and are harder to break then an external substance like alcohol

Cross-dressing feels really really good doesn't it? It probably felt even better years ago when one first started. Now one does it just to feel normal, just to get through the day. If one stops dressing one feels grumpy and irritable. I don't know how many times I have read on this site some form of "When I first started it was all about the thrill then as I grew older it just became about feeling comfortable, like myself, and when I tried to quit I became a mean person". This is a classic addiction cycle, whether it's booze, caffeine, nicotine, cocaine, heroine, sex, food, or anything else. It hard to see as an addiction because no CDer looks like the what one thinks of an addict.

Whether the result of all this is negative or positive to living is irrelevant to it being an addiction. It is how this addiction effects an individual's life that matters, and this of course varies from person to person. I would say the high failure rate for CD quitters is due to there being far fewer dangers to falling back. An alcoholic has t fear things like liver damage, black outs, getting into criminal activity, etc...

I believe it is possible to quit CDing with the right motivation to a certain extent. Just like a recovering alcoholic might have stopped drinking the temptation to go back will always remain.

[Lucy_Bella]

Probably not as I would be too busy figuring out to survive. However, that part of me which is Isha would remain resident - dressing is not sexual for me it is just part and parcel of who I am so the compulsion to dress "en femme" would most likely mitigate (not disappear) if I did not have the opportunity. When I left the desert island then I would most likely return to dressing as the opportunity would present itself again. Hope that makes sense.

But also , from what I read in your reply, was you would not have to find the need to compensate the need to express femininity ( because it's not sexual for you ) ..Question is why would that be any different once rescued? To me ( and I don't know who Isah really is but from what I have gathered she is a very bright ,polite and interesting individual ) by being on that Island was the cure ( from the original question cure to cding ) and maybe we choose to not accept the cure off the Island because of the opportunity to dress, and why we do it, or could it be that it's too convenient ( like chocolate to GGs)..

There really isn't a cure for who we are and as stated you do not have to be dressed enfemme to be Isha the point is we choose to dress to better fit our expression.expressions ..

So to really answer the question is there a cure ? No there isn't as long as there is nothing wrong with what we do and we are not harming ourselves or others .. Why would there be it's not a disease ? In most cases the CDing is actually curing something else.. But cding as a whole isn't needed for survival although some may think it is..

That makes perfect sense ..So looking into the question even more in dept .. Lets say you have bad eyesight and you've lost your eye glasses /contacts .. Those would help you in survival or make a difference in your survival.. Compare those eye glasses /contacts to your needs to express femininity ( as many say it is a dire need for survival because of stress ) ...I understand that and I just so happen to agree with it but not stranded on a deserted Island.. Your reply makes sense because you said you would still be who you are Isha without compensating..

I hope that this thread is about CDing /X-dressing and not being a T.G. because that would change everything you can not stop being a T.G. ..that's why labels help sometimes ..Did you mean stop being a T.G.?

[Stephanie47]

Every year from mid June to the first Wednesday after Labor Day Stephanie is packed away. I know Stephanie can and probably will reappear after Labor Day, but, there is no pent up frustration because I cannot wear some of my pretty summery dresses during the summer- sigh. Can I kick cross dressing? Like in never again, not just for the summer? I don't know. There was a time when I had absolutely no stimuli around me (females and feminine attire) to entice me. Yep, combat in a foreign land out in the jungle will break many habits, and, create new habits and issues.

I've tried to figure out why I cross dress. Yes, my mother thought I should have been a girl to round out her concept of an ideal family- husband, wife, son and daughter. I do remember at a very early age rebelling against her thoughts. I suspect the lack of nurturing pushed me to cross dress. Sometimes I envy those who were attired as a young child in female clothing by sisters or cousins. That would explain it easier than wishing you were a girl to seek someone's love an affection. Me? I never consciously thought I should be a girl. I think much of the physical abuse through corporal punishment was due to my mother's disappointment in my gender. This year my mother finally passed on. Although I had been estranged from my mother for many years, and, I felt absolutely nothing when she did pass, my desire to don feminine clothing really waned. I am beginning to suspect my cross dressing was still a subconscious effort to gain her favor. Now, she is dead. No need to gain favor. Does that make sense?

I'll know in the fall whether I "kicked" the habit or compulsion or whatever. Yes, I have bought some pretty dresses this summer, as recent as Friday. Will I put them on the first Wednesday after Labor Day? Will it fulfill some need? I will see. Right now I feel totally comfortable in a pair of cut off jeans so threadbare my butt almost shows through, bare footed, and wearing a white tee shirt.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Isha,

Another thoughtful Isha-thread. What you have written really mirrors my experience. There was a time when I too had put Claire in the closet (also for maybe 30 years) and locked the door. Interesting insight: Claire had dinner the other night with a long-time GG friend who has known me both personally and professionally. When we were working together was the "locked door period". (She was one of the first people I came out to.) She noted that at the time I sometimes seemed confused, and not nearly as outgoing and self-confident as I am now. I realized that probably resulted from repressing part of my being that was just that -- part of me -- and that I was going through a period much as you describe. Now I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and I'd like to think that reflects on everyone who knows me.

How do you "quit" something that is an intimate part of your being? I don't think we really can, and I don't think we should. But there maybe another side to this. Some of us may not have CD/TG as deeply rooted, and perhaps for them "quitting" is possible. Or there may be circumstances that just won't let us CD.

[KittyD]

"Can we quit"
Doesn't that kind'a state that you or me or all that CDs would have self doubt in something that they enjoy doing.
Like why would you want to question something that makes you feel happy.
Failing that I guess CD patches or CD gum hasn't been invented yet...

[samantha rogers]

Very thoughtful, as always, Isha. Thanks.
Can crossressers stop?
I think it depends entirely on how sane they want to be. lol
If it is simply a matter of stopping I have no doubt that with a gun to anyones head they can fit their behavior to any situation to survive.
But if a sane and healthy approach to life is the goal, then the answer would be no.
How can you, in honesty to yourself and with no ill after affects, simply dismiss that which is intrinsically a part of you?
You cannot.
The repercussions, whether felt consciously or not, will be present in the form of personality issues. You cannot simply repress things without them jumping out to bite you (or someone else) at some unforeseen time and place, sometimes with dire consequences.
That way madness lies.
Are there not enough crazy people in the world, already? LOL

[PaulaQ]

Isha,

The short answer to your question is "No, you will never truly stop because this is a part of you."

I've been sober 24 years. I know that I am powerless over alcohol. I thought I understood powerlessness, until I really honestly and forthrightly faced my gender last year. And I realized that I was powerless over it - and that it was hundreds of times more powerful than my powerlessness over alcohol - I was a fool, I didn't understand powerlessness at all.

What I finally realized was that my cross dressing / gender issues weren't an addiction. They didn't make my life unmanageable. For me, the addiction was trying to pretend I was something other than what I really was - a man. Once I stopped fighting my identity, life started to get better.

[tiffanynjcd24]

Nope I tried that before but with the help of a therapist, I know that crossdressing is a part of me

[Dani0948]

To answer your question - Yes I can quit, but I don't WANT to and most likely never will WANT to quit. I have never really fealt guilty about my desire to dress. I have always enjoyed it and do not believe the enjoyment will ever go away. I actually stopped dressing for 20+ years, but never stopped thinking/fantasizing about dressing. I don't know if this is an addiction, compulsion obsession, etc, and if I ever figure it out, I'll be able to explain it to my wife.

[CynthiaD]

My first reaction to this question was "Of course you can stop. But why would you want to?" This might seem like a flip answer, but it isn't. If you're going to stop, there must be a reason for stopping. And if there's a reason for stopping, there must be negative consequences for engaging in this behavior. In fact, the negative consequences must outweigh the benefits of engaging in this behavior. This brings us to the real question, "What are the negative consequences, and what are the benefits?"

These are really tough questions. In some cases, the negative consequences are bad. Very bad. But in many cases they they are either non-existent or much less than they are perceived to be beforehand. As far as the benefits go, there doesn't seem to be any uniform answer to this. The answer is different for different people.

I can only answer for myself. The main perceived negative was that people would think less of me. The truth is that most people didn't really care, and the ones that did care were people I didn't care about. Yes, there were a few hurdles to get over, but most people close to me have come to realize that dressing mad made me a much more loving, tolerant, and caring person. This change in my personality was gradual, but it has made "the weirdness" much easier for them to absorb.

As for the benefits, they are subtle. I've always perceived myself as female. I started crossdressing at an early age, probably around 3. However, around high-school age I decided to give up dressing, and live my life as a male. I really worked hard at this, but despite having considerable success in life, I was always unhappy and frustrated without really knowing why. Eventually I started dressing again, and this made all the difference in the world. I became less selfish and less self-centered. I gradually found myself able to reach out to others, and be the caring, loving person I'd always wanted to be. I eventually came to realize that by giving up dressing, I had lost the best part of myself.

For me, the benefits so outweigh the negative consequences, that I couldn't imagine ever stopping. Yes, I could stop, but why would I want to?

Cynthia

[Donnagirl]

I've known I'm a crossdresser all my life... Some of my earliest memories are of borrowing my sisters clothes. But, as a youth and growing up I was able to easily surpress it for years at a time. For the greater part of my life while Donna was always there she was not ever an urge, a need or driving force to 'release'. All that changed last year.

Now, well I tried to go twelve days without 'dressing' and while I succeeded, it was not pleasant. Something has definitely changed to make her a lot more dominant within my personality. While I would not call it a addiction, the symptoms are similar in that denial, 'cold turkey', just stopping is just no longer possible... I have willpower, but that is not 'cure'.

After so many years hidden away, Donna is here to stay. I'm sure, well fairly sure that her level of dominance has plateaued and boy me is still well and truly in the drivers seat.... But...

[Teresa]

Isha you may have picked up from my answers before but I know my Cding is sexual and deeply linked to sharing with females. Having the will power to stop CDing doesn't stop my sex drive but it does make a big difference, I have to face facts and be honest on this one and accept not being ashamed of it.
To put myself though mental agony to to try and prove I have the will power to stop would be crazy now because I've only just managed to openly accept my CDing since joining the forum after fifty years of suffering in silence. I am a much happier person now and better husband , father and grandfather. Stopping now could totally turn that around !

[AnneC]

I guess I could stop if I really had to do so, but it would be against my will and I would be very unhappy. The "urge" does come and go sometimes and there have been plenty of discussions about this on this forum. But I truly believe that this desire to dress can never really go away.

[Eryn]

For me the question isn't if I can stop, but if I can stop and still be happy as I am when I dress. The answer in my case is no, and luckily I have no pressing reason to stop.