She Asked " Who's that?", OH HEll !

[Hell on Heels]

Is it just me? Or is there more of these stories coming up than usual?
Last Friday night My SO and I were entertaining a friend at our place. This friend was spending the night.
While having drinks and apps before dinner, I was showing pics of the winery that I work that I had taken with my phone.
as I scanned through the pics I went one pic to far and there it was, a pic of me. I quickly hid it, but my SO caught a glimpse of it.
She immediately asked "who was that" telling our friend " there is a picture of some girl on his phone. Grabbing at me, tearing at my pocket to get at my phone. I fought her off, with my broken wrist and all, she wasn't getting that phone! Not in front of our friend.
We stepped aside, and I told her "We need to talk, it's personal, embarrassing, and cant be done in front of our friend".
So we finished dinner, and she stands up and says lets go. we went to our guest house, and had a seat in the garden.
She started with, "So who is that on your phone?". Big deep breath and I said "Well that pic, is a pic of me". She asked to see it, I held back, and said that I assure you it's me, do you know what that means? She still thought I was lying, that I was covering up an affair or something.
So I showed her the pic, and the discussion continued, "So you like to wear women's clothes?", Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? Every question I've heard from so many others that have gone through this before me. While we are talking My phone rings, OMG! Adriana, my east coast gagsta girl. So Apparently there is more that she knew about before seeing the pic. She had tried to call Adriana before we had our talk, she also had a few names from e-mails I had sent to a few other members.
So we talked, I explained that this is something I've done since a I was a child. She seemed calm and actually said to me "That I should not feel its unacceptable, this is Ca., and she is pretty open minded". So we finished our chat there and went back to the main house to be with our friend.
We all hung out and had a normal conversation and went to bed. As soon as I closed the bedroom door, she holds her hand out and says give me your phone, I held back again, but eventually handed it over. She goes straight into my e-mail.
She read for a while, asking an occasional question, and we went to sleep.
In the morning our friend and her went of to do something they had planned. They were gone for the day, and returned in the afternoon.A short while after they returned our friend left, and we are back to discussing everything.
Do i plan to go back to San Francisco?, do I get to meet your friends? I told her I don't have plans for San Francisco, If she would like to meet friends I'm sure that can happen. There was actually a get together at Ashley's house that day, I said we were invited. She said she wanted to go, but I told her that it was a bit soon to for that, we need to get us settled before meeting others. (Take it slow, how many times have I heard that)
So we had multiple little talks the rest of the day, lots of emotional swings, and even couple of laughs, Thank you Katey! Face it like a man. your a riot!
Then this morning she had to pack up and head to our Bay Area Home, as she's getting closer to departing the anger seemed to be boiling up.
i tried my best to assure her that i'm still me, there just a new part to me for her to get to know. And she left.
When she got to the house she called, and was quite upset, she said she was upset with herself, she felt as she was a fool. (she is the breadwinner of the 2 of us) Like I used her, didn't appreciate her, etc.
I'm not the greatest communicator, I've always been quite, shy, and afraid to show emotions. I think she's seeing that now, but is perceiving
it as me not caring.
She asked me to send her an email. Does this sound like a good idea to anyone? So much Can be lost from, or read into a written message.
And I don't want to screw this up.
Thanks for reading and for any helpful advice,
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Rogina B]

Getting caught [at anything] is not a good situation.You don't say how long you have been a sneak,so I can't make any suggestions. Guess this will be a test.

[Renee Elise]

Wow Kristyn, sounds like you had quite the weekend. I wish I had some practical advice for you. The ask for an e-mail sounds a bit ominous...she'll probably be up and down on this for awhile. The best thing you could probably do is tell her how much you care for her, love her and how important your relationship is to you. And that the dressing is something that is a part of you, but not meant to be a substitute for her. Hope others that have gone thru this with their wives/fiancees/SO's can assist. Good luck girl! Xoxo, Renee

[MsVal]

Oh, Kristyn that sounds so bad, but not hopeless.

No, do not send an email. Do not text. Do not do anything that is subject to misinterpretation or something that may be taken out of context.
Is there any way you can meet her for a face-to-face talk? A *LOT* is at stake, and these things really require that kind of attention.

Take heart. Others have walked this road before and left footprints in this forum. While some paths have lead to damaged marriages, and some have failed, there were often other problems. The crossdressing was simply the thing that brought it all to a head. There are many here (myself included) who have gone through many tearful sessions and emerged with a stronger marriage and an accepting wife. You can too.

Expect to deal with many other issues that may come up during your talks. I strongly recommend answering frankly and honestly, even when it puts you or your wife in a poor light. You're already suspect of being deceitful. This is a poor time to add layers of deceit.

Best wishes
MsVal

[GenieGirl]

This isn't necessarily a bad situation but can't say that it will be a good one either. No advice on being caught. I can only say from openly telling my gf at the time that you gotta take it slow. For her it was better to let her bring up the topic and only answer the questions that she asks. Just remember don't overdo it and I agree with not giving up physical evidence at this point.

[kimdl93]

You have a lot of work cut out for you. But the most imprtant thing you and she can do right now is take a breather. Yes, answer truthfully when asked, but when anger starts to displace reason, it's time to step back. Let the emotions settle down. Otherwise the same old fears and doubts just keep re emerging.

It has something to do with our reptilian brain. We tend to respond to fears viscerally, even when faced with facts that disprove the basis of our fears.

[RenneB]

I'd go with the honest face to face approach. I've been in hiding for some time and although I've had a few opportunities to 'come clean', it's still a 'no tell' relationship.....

Renne.....

[Donnagirl]

Wow... All I can say is your right, take it slow. Rash decisions now are the worst thing. It will take many long, emotional and heartfelt conversations to get through this. Although compromise is the key, it is a two way street.

I know that education was the saving grace for my relationship. My SO needed to hear the truth from me backed up by independent sources. This forum was good for that.

I wish you well. It's a rocky road you're about to travel but, as you know many of us have trod it before.

Hugs

Donna

[mykell]

you need to convey that you are still the one she fell in love with, more than she new about but still that person,
show her pictures of your wedding or Christmases past, birthday parties ect, this was you then but hidden, and this is the person that your are just now in the open,
committed to the relationship like never before, after my reveal i offered a DADT option and she accepted it. for now offer it until other things can be worked out, she came home, like i said to you before if their is love this can be worked out, honesty,honesty, honesty, is the key word now along with communication,
after seeing how happy you were in SF i hope you have a favorable outcome, your a good person and i hope your SO knows that....




#777 post i hope it brings some luck....

[Jenniferathome]

Kristyn, at this point, and email is not bad. It's non-emotional. She needs that. The truth is the truth, so just tell it BUT, be as economical with words as you can. Not obscure but concise. Write everything you told her already. Make sure you let her know that you love her and that cross dressing is not about her and that there are no more secrets. Lastly, you are available to answer any question any time.

Bets of luck

[chelyann]

take it slow , and good luck , it sounds like there is hope

[JocelynRenee]

Kristyn, my heart goes out to you and I hope things work out well. Your wife's response sounds very typical and focused on the deceit. Honesty has to be front and center now and forevermore. Don't push more information than she is ready to receive and answer her questions honestly.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the request for an email. It may be that she needs that dispassionate form of communication right now, but I would be a little uncomfortable putting things in writing before I knew more about her state of mind.

Keep reaching out. We're all here for you.

[Stephanie47]

So, you've read numerous other posts concerning being discovered. Well, there are many posts where pictures, letters, emails have been used not to the benefit of the man. Something like once it is out in the Internet, etc it cannot be retrieved. If you are going to email her I would suggest not sending pictures or prose to her that mentions wearing women's clothing. Frankly, email is a poor excuse for carrying on a conversation with anyone, no matter what the subject. Do your discussions face to face.

I just don't get it? How many times am I going to read posts of guys keeping pictures on their electronic devices?????

[marshalynn]

Why not join her at the bay area home, so you can talk further, to help the understanding now.

[Katey888]

Kristyn dear.... better strap in tight for that rollercoaster ride now...

You've got some positives on your side - Ca. is a very liberal minded environment - but she's facing a San Andreas sized fault-line in her life now, where you're rightly trying to emphasise this has always been just a hidden part of you, but she's feeling like there's another person in the relationship... and a feminine one at that, which generally sets alarm bells clanging for SOs...

I don't think email is bad, but I'd share those fears about being offered enough rope to do yourself a damage... if you feel you must email, steer clear of the obvious and focus on your relationship with her, what that means, how it hasn't and will not change for the worse, all the positives you can think of - and do your other talking face to face... pursue her, if you have to - show her that you will...

Good luck! And keep in touch....

And a salutary lesson for all of us, yet again...

I just don't get it? How many times am I going to read posts of guys keeping pictures on their electronic devices?????

Steph - how right are you? And devices that are also so easily locked with a 4-digit pin... but there's that twinge of vanity in most of us, and I'm guilty of that too, but my devices and folders are secured, locked, bolted and protected... decades of working with security and intelligence will make you paranoid, if you're not to begin with... Pay attention you newbies, shrouded with Pink Fog...

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kristyn, The ball is in her court now so to speak, go slow and don't overwhelm her.

[Krisi]

Don't send her an email.

Why would you think of sending her an email? Talk to her. Face to face if possible, otherwise on the telephone.

And for anyone else reading this thread, don't leave incriminating photos or messages on your phone or computer (or anywhere else).

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I dunno..the email is not such a bad idea. My H sent me one during one of our worst times, explaining how the CD started, what it meant to him, how it wasn't about me but just something he did, etc. I read it over and over until it made some sense through all the anger I felt. I actually deleted it in anger one day (ha, ironic) and wish I hadn't. I often think of all those little personal details he wrote and how they helped me understand that this is something very difficult for him too, and not just some childish game he's playing with our lives.

Face to face is usually best, but with such high emotion and knowing how the wife feels and how she just wants information and reassurance, writing down the details couldn't hurt. It's out now anyway...I don't believe an email could make that worse.

Good luck

[natcrys]

Hey Kristyn!

Wow, that sounds like hell-ish experience! First of all, I hope things work out ultimately.. but I expect it will be a bumpy ride for the foreseeable future.

Anyway, about that email. I'd only write it IF and ONLY IF you are able to write the most unambiguous email ever known to man/woman-kind in the world. You both will be very emotional and you can count on any small thing that can be interpreted in multiple ways will be interpreted in the worst way, Murphy's Law is brutal in its timing.

I'd say... write a letter to your SO, but don't send it. Use it for yourself to make everything clear in your head.

Then talk to your SO, make sure you two get to look in each other eyes.. the part of the communication which doesn't translate well in pen and paper.

Good luck and hugs!

[Annaliese]

I hope everything goes well, for you and she come around, I am with you on the written message better to take either in person or on the phone

[Jenniferathome]

...She asked me to send her an email. ...

This seems like a pretty straight forward request BY HER. Is no one else reading this?

[Coping2014]

My husband just came out to me a few months ago - and not so eloquently I might add. I have often wondered how it is he should have told me and if he had would it have aided in the overall mood of the situation. I do think that he could have done a better job I am very happy that I he told me rather than being discovered or outed - but you have to deal with what you have in front of you so hopefully you can turn things around.

I myself wouldn't like to have an email - but a letter would have been ok - written not typed. It's just more personable that way. Be VERY careful about your wording as tone is hard to convey with the written word. I would suggest giving her the letter face to face in your home (maybe over drinks - I know I can deal with more when I'm a bit loose lol) Give her the letter and allow her to read it at her own pace, but be there to answer questions. Having it written is good for the fact that you can make sure to tell her everything you want to and you know you let her know and didn't get side tracked in a conversation. But an email - at least IMHO - is in-personable (depending on your SO you would know best) I wish you luck. Please let us know how it goes. I wish my husband would have taken some more thought on how to tell me when he did - I may not have had the reaction I had (it was bad - a personal melt down, full of emotion and fear) I do think it sets the path for the journey not that you can't adjust things along the way -my husband and I are doing much better now - but it was a rough start!

This seems like a pretty straight forward request BY HER. Is no one else reading this?

LOL I get that but as a woman myself I can tell you we don't always know what we want We may think we do but we are just as clueless as you all are! She may just feel she needs a moment - I do like the idea of something written so you know it is all out on the table but I suggest you be there when you give her the letter. You don't have to be in the room - you can just be somewhere in the house so she knows she can come to you with questions or in the same room - you should know your SO well enough to make a guess on which would be best.

This is how I have imagined having it happen but a last real life doesn't always play out that way. You should have an idea the best way to approach your SO to know which route to take. Good luck to you both!

Coping2014

[MsVal]

Writing it all down, whether delivered or not is a great idea. Sitting by yourself with no distractions, and without the pressure of thinking on your feet, you can organize your thoughts in a preferred sequence. You can look up dates, numbers, names, and other important things that may not come to mind in a lively discussion. You can add things as they come to mind, and you can delete things - something that you cannot do in conversation.

I am really poor at thinking on my feet. As a compensatory measure I got in the habit of writing out my thoughts before any important talk. It helped me with my disclosure, it may help you too.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Alice Torn]

It sounds like there is hope. She did not get REALLY mad, and is willing to discuss. That is one reason I have never text and have no computer or internet on my simple phone. I have no SO or wife, walk alone, but if lost, someone could use it against me. I think things will even out, and be ok there, for you and your wife. Easy does it. Take it slow, Be honest. Show your love for her in word and deed.

[Debra Russell]

Kristen,... well it's out now and will get better, time = understanding / acceptance ....... and by the way everyone that takes phone pics...there's an app "QuicPic" allows hidden files, pass word protected, if hidden will not up load to cloud - get with it people - protect your self. My wife knows about Debra but sometimes the phone falls into other hands.................save yourself the problem........................................... .Debra