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Thread: Dropping the cross dressing atom bomb on someone you're dating.

  1. #1
    Member RachelRoxx's Avatar
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    Dropping the cross dressing atom bomb on someone you're dating.

    So, I have never had any luck when it comes to telling women about my alter ego. In the 3 years I've gotten really serious about dressing I have seen like 10 different women. And every single one of them ran for the hills after I told them. If they don't run when they hear I dress like a woman sometimes then they definitely bolt when they hear I'm bi too. I've done all sorts of ways. I've told some straight up before we even met the first time, I've told some after a few dates. And some I waited months to tell. My personal opinion is to be upfront about it as soon as possible. Not right away but after a few dates I think is good. If I say it right away I don't stand a chance. If I wait to say it after we have developed feelings for each other then she runs and we both get hurt. So I feel it's best to say it somewhere in the middle. Not right away, but not wait too long. But it just sucks that not a single one has been accepting of it. She doesn't even have to be involved or anything. Just be accepting is all I ask. Once or twice a month Rachel gets released onto the world and it's so much fun I refuse to stop. I refuse to let a woman make me choose. I am who I am. Her making me choose between her and dressing is on the same level as her making me choose between guitar and her. Sorry babe, but i'm picking the other. Lol. Anyways now that the rant is complete, how did you girls tell you're S.O. or someone you were dating? Were your experiences like mine? Do you find there is very, and i stress very, few women who accept our lifestyle?

  2. #2
    heaven sent celeste26's Avatar
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    Where do you find these women? Find a different pool to fish in if you get my drift. I have a supporting wife and there are many others out in this forum with them too. It is not impossible to find them.
    Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain

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    I'd have run, lol! That's the honest truth, as most here know. What seems like a whole lot of fun to you can look like a whole lot of baggage to a woman. I don't think humans actively seek a difficult life and crossdressing, to Joe Public, just seems so dang difficult and perplexing. Not to mention, it's quite the turn-off if you're a vanilla straight girl. We tend to prefer our men in men's clothing, and given this is how most men are, you can't blame these girls for walking (or running) away. Plenty more fish, as they say.

    I would think dating girls who are open to alternate lifestyles is a good start. Those fetish sites, maybe?

  4. #4
    Shoe shopping shrew natcrys's Avatar
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    @Celeste

    The fact that you and others on this site have supporting wives/SO's is a great thing.. and you should cherish that fact.

    However, the vast majority of relationships end after a revelation like this (or don't even get to start if you're honest from the first date). I've seen and heard many stories in the last 15 years (from the internet, but mostly from all the support group meetings in the Netherlands and Belgium).. and for each CD/TG/TS that is lucky to have a supportive wife or girlfriend, there are at least 20 stories that didn't end well. And I'm being cautious with that number.

    Even over here in the Netherlands, shiny beacon of tolerance/enlightenment/openness (first country in the world legalising same-sex marriage).. a lot of women don't want to have a CD as a partner. Sure, they might support and even go shopping with a friend who is a CD, but to be actually in a relationship with one... that's A Bridge Too Far.

    ( which coincidentally is a movie about a bridge in the Netherlands.. )


    @Rachel: sorry.. I have no real useful advice with regards to your question. I would tell them in the first few weeks. And if they go running.. which they often do.. then too bad.
    Last edited by natcrys; 07-28-2014 at 09:11 AM.
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    Aspiring Member Bethany38's Avatar
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    Rachel one sunny day you will find the one. When you do you may not even know it. My wife did not know for years but, then again, we kind of re-discovered my passion together. You see I had buried my desire so deep in childhood that I never dressed again until I was with her. That being said I also found my salvation in her. My wife and I together found my alter ego. At first she was freaked out until she found this site, and then after reading the info here shared it with me. I know we kind of worked backwards here, but it worked. I wish you luck and one day you will find the one.
    One day your life is going to pass before your eye's, Make sure it is worth watching.

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    I think some introspection is in order. There is more to a cross dresser than cross dressing. While I suspect that few to no women are looking for cross dressers, some will see past it. Some will see it as baggage as Tink stated. If all this person sees is an ok guy who cross dresses, they are not vested in you and they can easily leave or give up. What else are they NOT seeing in you? THAT is what you need to address.

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    I think more women can accept the cross dressing, than can accept you being bi.

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    Junior Member JocelynRenee's Avatar
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    Rachel, kudos to you for taking the step to lay all your cards on the table. I agree with Jennifer, take a look at your presentation of the facts and what else you are bringing to the table. Although my wife is supportive, the revelation occurred after we were married and were invested. As she puts it she is accepting because cross dressing is one part of the one she loves. If she could choose, though, she would prefer it was not part of me.
    "It's a sad man, my friend, who's living in his own skin and can't stand the company" - Bruce Springsteen

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    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Being bi does not always mean being promiscuous. But I can see how anyone would not like to feel that they are merely one of many if they are supposed to be an SO (I have bi friends who are monogamous)

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    hmmm hi Rachel!! first off I love your profile picture you look absolutely amazing!
    for me I have met only 1 that was so accepting and willing! She would want to go lingerie shopping and buy matching sets so we can cuddle in bed,
    I told her after she became more accepting and understanding of who I was(after the honeymoon phase).
    I can really relate also to choosing between the guitar or her(i've been in that situation way too many times)

    I think what really helped was that I already had naturally feminine attributes so she was all for it but I also think that us being crazy in love with each other knowing that I am being myself with her and that's the person who she fell in love with. She told me that it's just another part of me she would love to get to know.
    Also how you bring it up I think is a huuuuge huge huge huge deal breaker as well. For instance just for fun I would ask her if she has seen the "my boyfriend does my make up challenge," and vice versa and it just turned into a fun normal healthy activity.


    Point being there are women in our lives that can be very accepting it just takes time and honesty, try not to hide it and be more open about it as opposed to keeping it as your "alter ego,".
    I don't mean it in any demeaning way, But really I feel as if sometimes we make a big deal over nothing and then it just turns into a big deal and then it gets messy.

  11. #11
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    Any time a man or a woman tells the other that he or she must choose or lose, the relationship is doomed... unless you're into being dominated by a control freak. Any woman who tells a cross dresser to just turn it off really does not understand the potential issues. It's the same for the man who thinks he also can just turn it off.

    Anyway, I rambled. There are women, who will tolerate cross dressing in a DADT relationship. The difficulty in finding such a gem is establishing a long term relationship where the man's other qualities are known before the revelation occurs. I am in total agreement with Tink. Most women want to discuss the color of the bedroom walls and not the color of the dress he wants to wear to dinner.

    Good luck in trying to find that women.

  12. #12
    Member RachelRoxx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bridget thronton View Post
    Being bi does not always mean being promiscuous. But I can see how anyone would not like to feel that they are merely one of many if they are supposed to be an SO (I have bi friends who are monogamous)
    Yea youre right. Ive only ever been with a few guys. And only in Rachel mode. Rob mode has absolutely no desire for a man. I would never date a man either. And even when Rachel is out, the guy has to be an incredible specimen for me to be attracted to him. Im EXTREMELY picky.

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    Gold Member ~Joanne~'s Avatar
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    It is always said around here that you should tell whomever as soon as possible but I have never believed that to be true. You need to get to know a person first and see what kind of person they are. I knew long before I told my SO who she was and knew my CDing wasn't going to be a deal breaker or anything along those lines but the fear of such kept it under wraps for a very long time even though she suspected.

    DADT? Compromises? Would she do the same for you? If the answer is no, keep looking. For every five that can't deal, one will. It may take awhile to find but it will be worth the wait.
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    Maybe I have it wrong but I don't consider being a cross dresser a "atom bomb' so to speak. I think woman are more turned off by you being bi than by your dressing. There are plenty of woman out there that will accept who you are ,just have to keep looking. good luck and happy hunting.

  15. #15
    Member RachelRoxx's Avatar
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    Maybe I should just leave the bi part out. Like I said I would never date a guy and have only messed around with a few in my life. Unless he is a god of a man, Im not going to be interested in him. And Rob has ZERO desire for a man. So I dont know, maybe ill just forget about that part. Plus if Im with someone its not like im going to cheat on them with anyone.

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    Rachel we're back to the old honesty question again, you want to come clean and say I'm not a bad guy but I like to CD ! If you tell them too soon they will think they're not going to be the only love of their life. If you leave telling them till later they'll think you've been leading them on and lying to them !
    I also hate to say that this won't get any easier with age, in the late teens and early twenties a bit of CDing is fun and if handled right can be built into a relationship. A GG in her thirties is definitely looking for a stable long lasting relationship, but I won't say it's all doom and gloom there are GGs who will accept and enjoy a flexible relationship so don't give up yet, it can still happen !

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    I very much doubt you being bi if you wouldnt date a guy and would slept with one only as a woman. Also, HOW you present your crossdressing has a huge impact on the outcome of the said bomb dropping. Why not just casually inform that you sometimes like to dress in womens clothing and watch the reaction with joyful curiousness?

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    Member RachelRoxx's Avatar
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    That is true I guess. But what would you consider me then? Lol
    Last edited by DAVIDA; 07-29-2014 at 04:56 AM. Reason: There is no need to quote the post right before your post.

  19. #19
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Joanne~ View Post
    It is always said around here that you should tell whomever as soon as possible but I have never believed that to be true. You need to get to know a person first and see what kind of person they are.
    follow up question. When you find out what kind of person they are...say they are unaccepting...what do you do? Keep it a secret and keep dating? Keep it a secret and break up? Finally tell and see how she reacts giving her the opportunity to make up her own mind. If any of the above how do you reconcile the time you took from them (and yourself) that you could have been looking for someone more your type?
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  20. #20
    Silver Member kittypw GG's Avatar
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    The cross dressing did not make me run but if my husband would have told me he was Bi when we were dating? .......I would have been out of there faster than the road runner of cartoon fame. Too many un-curable diseases out there to trust someone who is bi. But I have trust issues anyway.

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    Quote Originally Posted by RachelRoxx View Post
    That is true I guess. But what would you consider me then? Lol
    Dunno, even about myself... Thats the problem with typecasting. I usually just precisely explain how I feel about stuff, works the best. Bi-curious, straight who made some explorations? Let the other one put a sticker on you

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    The bi part doesn't need to be in the disclosure unless you were presently actively seeing male companions. A few youthful experiences or experiments doesn't really qualify.

    I disagree with the idea that you should disclose before it gets serious. Not every woman you date will need to know. Save the really personal revelations for those you are seriously interested in and who have enough of an interest in you to accept you as a whole person... Hint..this time comes when she starts confiding and inviting confidences.

    And yes, it may hurt if that revelation is too much. But that's the risk we take. It's better than driving away someone before they really know you well enough to care.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

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  23. #23
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    This is why all of my online dating profiles these days are for Zoe, with a BIG NOTE in the first paragraph about what I am. I've met some great people, and it's nice to know up front that they were attracted to this side of me. Usually they realize that I'm the same person either way, and it's all good.
    Coming out is like discovering that you've been drowning your whole life after actually breathing air for the first time.

  24. #24
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RachelRoxx View Post
    Yea youre right. Ive only ever been with a few guys. And only in Rachel mode. Rob mode has absolutely no desire for a man. I would never date a man either. And even when Rachel is out, the guy has to be an incredible specimen for me to be attracted to him. Im EXTREMELY picky.
    I don't really like labels, but that being said ...I'm not an expert here, but based on what you say, I don't think you're bi.

    Quote Originally Posted by RachelRoxx View Post
    That is true I guess. But what would you consider me then? Lol
    You just "experimented in college."
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  25. #25
    Member DanaGirl's Avatar
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    The BiSexual part makes it sound seedy, like the cross dressing and the bi sexual stuff is all related as if you are putting on a skirt and hitting the local gay bar for anything you can get. I think its best to let her know about your dressing, but not link it to the having sex with men part. If it ever comes up then maybe tell her you fooled around with a guy a couple times but its not a threat to her or anything like that. Who knows maybe you too getting dolled up with another guy is something she would be into but don't weigh her down with too much all at once.
    "a little duct tape on the nipples is a small price to pay for beauty"

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