I feel that refusing to go along with everything is in order here.
Tell him of your feelings and ask him to consider yours.
I realise that you have deep affection for him but it could be better if you were able to share experiences instead of going his way all the time.
Be gentle though. I am sure you will.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
After some reading of comments and investigation about fetish CDing it has occurred to me that I am a safety net for my SO and that may be the only connection we have. I think he may associate me with his CDing and when he needs that, he needs me, but when he feels shame about his need to CD, he may associate me with that shame.
I think I need to spend some time evaluating his attraction to me and the basis of our relationship. Thankfully he is gone for the next month dealing with a family matter and it will give me time to think and reflects.
Remember Meatloaf singing "Two Outta Three Ain't Bad"....
Let him/her do the asking, but don't feel sorry for the nail lady. It's her job. If she's embarrassed painting his/her toenails, she should get another job. Or let her get used to it. Society needs to learn more tolerance. That's how it happens, I suppose. My hometown barber used to say he wouldn't accept a black man as a patron. The situation with the nail lady is quite similar.I wonder how do I tell him that even asking the nail lady to paint his toe nails caused me tremendous anxiety because the poor lady was very embarrassed doing it.
T-shirt says: "Hi, I Crossdress!"
It sounds to me like you care about him [her]. She [he] is exposing a vulnerability to you.
I'm quite certain that He [She] isn't at peace with this. He [She] is trusting you to be an ally in working this out.
This is a major 'effin deal in most people's lives. Your guy [girl] is trusting you to care. Trusting you with a 'weakness'.
Find a way, hon. It is just as difficult for him [her] a it is for you. Maybe more so, as you came into this knowing your role. He [she] is still trying to work that out. He [she] wants YOU or they wouldn't have bothered to share that.
<3
- MM
- Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
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"I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder
Let the good times roll!
Adam12,
You have been given some very encouraging advice , I have been a member of this site for several years and I must admit the support given was inspiring .. Your S.O. may fit the signs of being a fetish dresser but then again he/she may not , I would recommend having an open discussion on what direction your S.O. wants to take his/her dressing to and also what level..There really isn't a one dresser fits all type .Your S.O. may also have a form of Gender Identity( GID) or may even wish to be a full time female but from what you have expressed in your short introduction it appears that with sex being involved a fetish does fit the scenario, but a fetish dresser also tends to keep his dressing very private ..
The urge to get out isn't uncommon for a fetish dresser but many fight the urges to protect their masculinity, being seen by someone you know has a cost.. I say the urge isn't uncommon because of the thrill ( it can be sexual ) that drives it .. I wouldn't count out GID yet until you talk with your S.O. because Fetish dressing and mild GID can be very similar in behavior but for but for completely different reasons..
I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.
Thank you Lucy Bella....I so appreciate the support from all but it does give me a lot to think about. I care about him deeply and want to support him, but yes, I can't sacrifice my own needs and limits. A long discussion is in order. It will be a bit before that can happen as family obligations are taking priority right now but, certainly won't be avoided. Thank you for your advice - and the advice from all who responded. I appreciate you all.
Last edited by Katey888; 08-13-2014 at 08:02 AM. Reason: Not necessary to quote the immediately preceding post
IMO if you are not comfortable with it in the bedroom then you should let him know and either stop it or maybe leave it to rare occasions. It could just be a fetish for him, but from what you describe it might be more than just a fetish...it's not the same for all. Me and my ex tried it a few times at her request in bed to see if she liked it. She didn't, we left it at that and that was fine with me. I suggest setting clear boundaries between the two of you. Let him know when it is ok for him to do it AROUND you ie weekends etc. And progress with your comfort level whether you can handle more or need more of a break. The important thing is to not overwhelm yourself with it because that can definitely cause problems. Find the perfect balance that keeps the both of you happy.
Good Luck!
Ginger
You're a Daisy if you do! -Doc Holliday
Actually Ginger, I am fine with it in the bedroom. The original purpose of the post was him expressing a need to go public. That is just to much for me. As log as it was something between us I could handle it, but even him wanting his nails painted during a pedicure caused me some anxiety...asking me to help him go out to a TG friendly bar was the basis for my original post. You are right though, I need to set boundaries and let him know that sometime I just need a break and for him to be in male mode.
This is in no way a flip answer, you say it by saying what you just said to us, that is, "Asking the nail lady to paint your toes embarrassed me and caused me undue anxiety, please don't do that again when we are together, ok?" You have a right to set limits, and you must be assertive about them, not mean or rude, but assertive. You could opt to go to a known trans-friendly salon (ask your local support group, or look in your local alternative newspapers) where the nail technicians have no issue painting a man's toes, if you are comfortable with that scenario.Originally Posted by SO1Adam12
I agree on a professional level the lady should be professional and do the toes male or female, but it is about causing the SO embarrassment in this case.
I understand SOAdam. I suggest maybe him or you both finding a support group like Vickie suggests. Find a CD meetup group in the area that he or you both can go to and can go out in a safe environment with other CDs...it can be hard to find but if you search the forums or post asking of places I'm sure the other girls can help you out finding something. That or try yahoo groups or meetups website to find a group with this interest. Gay clubs are always a good choice too. Not everyone who goes to gay bars have to be gay. I hope that might help. You might not be able to go out with him and he might have to do it alone. If you can't handle it now or ever then that's ok don't beat yourself up about it. My ex got to the point where she didn't want to go out with me anymore be she felt embarrassed, felt like a lesbian. I was fine and understood and was ok going out with others or alone. She is much more comfortable going out as friends now though.
Wish you the best.
Ginger
You're a Daisy if you do! -Doc Holliday
I really want to be supportive and helpful...I think I deluded myself into thinking I could handle it, but as the event came closer I got more and more anxious and then when reality came about it was more difficult than I expected.
I will say we went to a different nail salon the next time and although I do believe the pedicurist would have been OK with it, there was a woman sitting in the chair on the other side of me who kept looking over at us (the shiny finish on his nails) throwing him very dirty looks and just speaking in a very trashy way that made me think "She's got a big mouth and will probably say something stupid" that my gut told me - paint his nails when we're alone. Not worth a potentially ugly situation with this woman." So I didn't give the pedicurist the "hint" and painted his nails when we were alone. Truthfully, I think he looks forward to that "public humiliation" thing - (I'm learning that is one of his fetishes) and he was disappointed...
I think he might have to try harder than getting his nails done if he's looking for humiliation. I know plenty of CDs who go to the salon and never been a big deal. Heck I had to go get some heels this weekend for a party i was going to with my nails painted as a guy all pink and gold. No one ever said a thing, had 2 SAs help me too, although I was there trying on heels they probably thought I was just a drag queen no big deal. They were super friendly as always no matter what they might have thought in their head. The next day post party I went out to lunch before going home in guy mode with fingernails still painted. Still no single comment...not even a compliment. I find that no matter how weird most people either don't care or do and just keep their comments to themselves. I think the thing that might have been weirdest for the women is that your husband was doing this while sporting a beard which might have thrown an odd signal at them. Manly beard getting pedicure is much more odd than just a guy getting a pedi. Just like a guy in drag with a beard would be a lot weirder than a clean shaven one.
As far as him getting off to the humiliation...I'd say the beard probably adds to the effect/reaction he'd get from others...
You're a Daisy if you do! -Doc Holliday
Adam12,
I second all the replies about talking and setting
some ground rules. I love my SO, and want her comfortable
with anything.
Hi SO1, My wife of 50+ yrs. and I have worked it out, She was once accepting but it's now a DA/DT
she tolerates it she just don't want to see me when I'm dressed she knows about everything.
I know my boundaries and stay with them and life is wonderful.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Well today I was leaving the grocery store and saw this nail salon beside it that had on the window that they offer full nail services to ladies and gentlemen in big letters on the glass window. I thought about this thread when I saw it. Just thought I would share that.
Ginger
You're a Daisy if you do! -Doc Holliday
Wouldn't that solve a few problems. Truthfully, I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now with everything. Our relationship, his crossdressing, the advice I've been given here, my job, etc, etc...
Welcome. And I appreciate your perspective on your boy friend's growing needs. Without psychoanalyzing him, I would guess that your expressions of tolerance have encouraged him to go farther as time goes on. And if he has a number of other fetishes, then apparently he has come to associate CDing with sex. Fine...that's ok. But, he needs to hear just what you share with us and you're entitled to some accommodation of your needs, just as you have sought to accommodate his.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
for me being CD is who I am, but I admit I think about having sex en femme
I am running low on time so I will only respond to part of the thread (somehow I missed it before today):
In the city I live in (Winnipeg Manitoba Canada), for at least the last 4 years, I have had zero problem getting my nails painted in any of several shops. One in particular is consistently welcoming, and if I see the owners at the grocery store they scold me for not having been in for a while.
Oh wait: there was one difficulty. In that shop that has actively welcomed me for years, there was one time when a woman came in late on a Saturday, without an appointment, and wanted her nails done. She was pushy right from the beginning. She was upset that I was being served, that the people working on my nails did not go over and start on hers instead, leaving me waiting mid-service. In response, the owner took her own sweet time getting to her, non-verbally making it clear that I was more favoured than the woman was; the woman glared at me a bit, not paying attention to the other customers. The other customers were fine with me; when I am in that shop it is not uncommon for me to discuss polishes and patterns with the other customers.
The next time I was in, I spoke to the owner about the situation; the owner said that some customers try to treat the workers like servants, and that the shop doesn't need that kind of customer, that the owner is fine with losing the business of customers who are not respectful.
I have encountered multiple shops where the owners or sales assistants have said that on the whole they prefer dealing with the customers who are cross-dressers, transgender, or transsexual, as such customers appreciate the service instead of treating the staff badly.
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