SO new to this and needing advice

[SO1Adam12]

Hello everyone,

For 3 of the last 4 years (we took a year off for reasons not related to his cross dressing) I have been dating a man who has gradually increased his need to cross dress. Or maybe he's gradually revealed his need to cross dress to me would be more accurate. At first it was just during sex when he would want to wear some of my lingerie. From that it increased to wearing panties under his pants when we went out, then to stockings. He has a strong fetish for high heels and eventually I got him a pair and some lingerie of his own as well as a skirt. He drops hints now of other things he wants to wear but makes it look like I make his do it - this comes from his attraction toward a submissive sex life. On a recent weekend away he showed me a corset and another pair of high heels he bought and stayed in them the entire time we were in our room. He's also expressed interest in being more public. I took him for a much needed pedicure and he had his toe nails painted to match mine after he had me ask the the gal to do it for him. He kept it on for a month until he got another one. He indicated that he is considering shaving off his beard and asked several times (under the influence of alcohol, but seemed genuine) if I would get him a wig, dress, make-up and stick on nails and take him to bar. Hmmm....this may go a bit further than I am able to go. I understand his need to for this helps him relax - and I truly see how it does, but to be honest beyond that it doesn't really turn me on. We have a satisfying sex life but the clothes don't do it for me, it's seeing him relax. Frankly there are times when keeping up with his fantasies is exhausting to me as it constantly challenges my imagination. He has many fetishes beyond cross dressing and I wonder how do I tell him that even asking the nail lady to paint his toe nails caused me tremendous anxiety because the poor lady was very embarrassed doing it. I absolutely appreciate that amount of trust it took for him to share this with me and I would never betray that trust, but it would be nice if we could have a night together when the only one wearing high heels and lingerie were me.

Thanks for listening!

[Jamie Lynn]

Good Morning, SO.......

There is a desperate need for some sit down communication here between you and your BF. Relationships are two people that are equal. Both may need to compromise in certain aspects of their lives to be acceptable to their partners. The story of your relationship shows none of that on the part of your BF. Hard as it may be, you need to corral him and either agree to an acceptable level of his dressing or decide if this relationship is worth saving. Tell him what you told us. He needs to hear it. He's lost in the fog and is being completely selfish.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best!

[hope springs]

Hello SO,

i understand your anxiety. Your wondering just how far is he going with this? Boundaries are a common subject here. And you guys need to establish some. It sounds as if he is pushing the envelope. He should be very appreciative of what he has so far. So let him know to pump the brakes a little, and that you need more "man" time. Knowing my motivations for dressing has helped me keep it within my wifes boundaries. Ask him to be honest with himself about his reasons. Is it a fetish? Or does he truly feel like a woman inside? Does he strongly identify with woman and want to emulate them or is this a fantasy he is living out? He has to be comfortable enough to express himself, and you have to know from him 80% of your time together isnt going to be en femme mode. Moderation. I dress up about twice a week for a few hours. It doesnt go into the bedroom.
Also ask him what you (the SO) is geting from this. If you are accepting of his dressing what, if anything, is the payoff for you?
Please keep posting. We are all here to support each other. And that includes telling fellow dressers to pump the brakes.

[NicoleScott]

It sounds to me like he is revealing himself to you a little at a time, and as you accept one little thing, it moves to another little thing. Now all those little things have become one big thing. It may be time for a serious discussion. You should know "Where is this going?"
My crossdressing is fetish-driven, but they are MY fetishes, and I satisfy my urge to crossdress in private. She's rather indifferent about it, and she may be home and maybe not. At times when I'm not in a crossdressing session, I'm the man she married. That may be a critical question you need answered: "Are you a man who likes to crossdress occasionally, or do you see yourself as a woman and want to dress to express that femininity?"

[DonnaT]

He's taken that boulder he's been carrying around, and put it on your shoulders. He wants things he's too afraid to get/do on his own, and uses you to get them for him. Maybe to ease his guilt?

What does he want? Tell him to write it all down in a list.

If it's not on the list, it will never happen.

Even if it's on the list, it won't happen if you aren't comfortable with it, but y'all can revisit the list later.

A revisit to the list will not mean something new can be added to the list.

Give him a week.

[CONSUELO]

Dear So-,
Both of you need to do a lot of learning and talking about Fetishistic Crossdressing. He needs to be very open with you about his desires and needs. He needs to confront who he is and let you know about it and not reveal these desires to you one step at a time. While having his toe nails painted is OK, doing it in the way he did put you in a difficult place and probably embarrassed you.
In these situations, I always believe in doing a lot of "research" and this is a good site for that. You will find many resources here. I would also advise you find a good and experienced counsellor to help you communicate and help your boyfriend discover everything he can about his sexuality.
There is nothing wrong in what he feels and wants but it cannot be imposed upon you without your full knowledge and subsequent agreement. Whatever he is desiring now will not go away or diminish except for relatively short intervals. He may honestly say that he can contain his desires and keep them controlled to certain times and places but in reality he may find that impossible to do at some later time.

[amy101]

Tell him how u feel set some boundaries

[Kate Simmons]

As others have said you need to have a serious talk and let him know what your boundries are.

[SO1Adam12]

You are all AWESOME! I knew I'd find the advice I needed here. All of you have made very valid points and given me food for thought. Consuelo, I wasn't aware of Fetishistic Cross-dressing, that will be what I google next. Donna T, you touched a nerve as prior to our break up he was very non-committal in our relationship and that was one of the reasons we stopped seeing each other. When we took up again and his cross-dressing became more aggressive and I complied with helping him fulfill some of those needs he seemed much more interested in spending time with me. I asked myself the question, if I was not helping him pursue some of his needs, would he be as interested in me?

You are also very correct in that we need to have a discussion. I tried to broach the subject of when did he become aware of this need and he avoided the question completely. I let it drop because it was not the time or place to have a discussion that is apparently going to be like pulling teeth.

I do need to grow a backbone on this subject. It's funny because in all other areas of our relationship I have no problem telling how I feel in a very "straightforward" manner.

Thank you again. I will keep in touch.

[ptp009]

He needs to back off, you are giving him alot of leway on the whole matter. He needs to undesrtand and respect your bounderies and if he dosen't the relationship is just not going to work out. Asking him to not dress during sex is a reasonable request and he should respect it. The more serious matter here is what does he expect in the relationship and what are his future plans for dressing and how much furter it may go. The Talk is what you need to have, maybe he's expecting you to gradually accept this, if that the case you should know up front. Good Luck. Jenn

[Charla McBee]

There needs to be complete honesty on both sides if things are going to work out long-term. You need to let him know how you feel about things and he needs to open up about what's going on inside his head. It could be just a fetish in which case things could slow down or it could be a lot more than that.

[kimdl93]

Welcome. Your SO seems to be afflicted by one of the most common banes of transgendered people....self loathing. We are so acculturated to find CDing aberrant that some how it seems less wrong if we are "forced" or " encouraged" by a partner to do it. See how that works? It's a kind of denial...in that instead of saying yes, I like, want, need this, he is saying...me, not,that's not my thing, it's just that my gf gets off on it, etc.

We have all done it at some time...tried to externalize the need or desire. Really, it gets way easier and more honest if one can say, yes, may name Is Kimberly and I am transgendered!

[Jenniferathome]

Adam12, welcome to this forum. You are great to be reaching out. You are not a door mat. A relationship takes two. Where are you in all of this? Express your needs. You can not live for his cross dressing.

Best of luck

[Nadya]

It sounds like he needs some boundaries. If this is his first time coming out to someone, he could feel like a kid in a candy store. The tremendous weight of hiding this from someone he cares about has been lifted. For me, it kind of feels like being reborn and there are so many new things to try and experience. Maybe he needs some time to find out who he is?

Sitting down and talking with him that he needs to compromise is important. It's a two-way street and he needs to be willing to satisfy your needs as well. This can be tough as well. For example, I love it when my body hair is removed but my fiancé loves my chest hair. Our compromise is that I won't shave all the time and let it grow back for her. I don't like it, but she has been so amazing to me that it really would be unfair not to do it. He's also very lucky that he has someone that will not betray his trust. Relationships can turn very ugly if the the person turns out to not respect a cross dresser's privacy not understanding how much they had put themselves out there for honesty's sake. I hope it goes well for you.

[donnalee]

There is so little perceived hope of finding someone who accepts us for what we are that there is a tendency to go overboard when it happens and to take things further than SOs can comprehend or tolerate (too much, too soon). This sort of thing is pretty common. You need to let him know what you're comfortable with now, what you may want to explore in the future and what you're not comfortable with. He sounds like he's confused about what he wants and feels very guilty to be wanting it; if he can overcome the perceived guilt, then he can deal with it more rationally and communicate better with you.

[SO1Adam12]

I appreciate his need for this and I agree that, at least from my experience, it is a sexual fetish. It's funny, I never really have a problem with him dressing in the bedroom, but going public is a level I don't believe I can get used to. I've always thought of, and appreciated that his CDing is something just between he and I, and I think that in and of itself has made it easier for me to accept. He is an INCREDIBLY private man in all parts of his life so his sharing this with me is something I take seriously. And don't get me wrong, I am not a doormat. I have tried to venture into a more public level with the pedicure, but I now know it's too much for me and I know I will have to let him know that this is my limit. Your confirmation of those feeling has helped give me the confidence to let him know.

[hope springs]

Good luck with the discussion SO. I personally LOVE it when SO's post here. We get the other side of the coin. A chance to see how our dressing impacts those we love. Your perspective is valuable ( to us all really). IF your ok with this in the bedroom and not in publc, then thats valid. My wife is the exact opposite. It takes all kinds. Know your limits, explore them together and insist he repsect whatever limits you find.
I get the distinct feeling from your posts he hasnt looked into this very deeply. He knows what he likes but is uncomfortable ( to say the least) with why. The why isnt critical, but it can be very helpful in understanding other area of his life. Like WHY is he such a private person. What does that mean by the way? I assume unwilling to share personal information? Doesnt open up to people? If so, its probably an indicator of latent guilt or shame. I common thing with dressers.
Hang in there girl, keep us updated

[lpjamey]

I think that I I can truly appreciate your feelings and I totally understand why you have reservations as to your so and his intent to your relationship. I have tried to make light of my fetishes to my wife and she finds it to be very annoying. She knows that I wear breast forms and I love sexey under things and high heels just drive me crazy but we have limits. I would like more freedom with my dressing but I respect her feelings also.

[SO1Adam12]

Jamey, my SO would LOVE your profile pic! Once again I am so grateful for all of your responses. They help me tremendously and I feel like I have found my own support group. from a group that is intended to support my SO. I use terms generically like "incredibly private" and complicated....when I met his parents for the first time I mentioned that he was an incredibly complicated man and they couldn't agree more. As I said, we took a year off. Prior to that our relationship was very loose - I was taking care of my dying mother and a committed relationship was not a priority. When my mom passed and I was ready to move forward, he was happy with status quo. After a year of very limited communication we started seeing each other and over the course of a few months our relationship escalated as did the cross dressing he revealed to me. We live a good 40 miles apart and he works very extended hours so seeing each other during the week is not n option and trust me, I am ok with that). I don't know if he indulges in CDing during the week. I know his home wardrobe has increased since I introduced him to online shopping these last few months and he has coversively managed to leave with some of the items we have kept at my place. I'm really OK with that. If it helps him relax....go for it. My attitude toward CDing or any other fetish/compulsion/obsession is, as long as your not hurting anyone and all involved parties are in agreement, then go for it! I don't know where his CDing stems from and I'm not sure I'll ever know. His past and his future a re very much a question but thanks to you all, I have help dealing with the present.

[lpjamey]

They are my favorite! The very fact that you responded to my post makes me think that I'm closer to your feelings then you think . I feel that I'm a fetish dresser and I want my SO to embrace it or at least help me with it. I could never ask her to help me go public with my dressing nor would I want to. I'm the one with the inferior female and even more inferior male problems and it's not far to put it on her.my dressing is to relive my stress and crap, I could go on all night! Sorry

[im-sparkles]

same here! learning a lot but still much to learn! loving every minute of it!!

[Amanda M]

Hi - above all, keep talking! Once you have ten posts on here, you can (I understand) become a member of the Genetic Girls group, where you will find that all the ladies there have been more or less where you are now. They will be a great help to you. Lovely to see you here,

Amanda

[sometimes_miss]

Most of the problems lie in that the vast majority of people have absolutely no idea why they are attracted to someone. The most common answer you get is 'chemistry'. But no one can tell you what that is, why one person has 'it', or why another does not. The ultimate example is why women don't go for 'nice guys', or tell you that a guy is 'too nice'. That's as far as it goes. Really. How can someone be too nice? Or do women really like being treated badly? I don't think so. So I researched this. We are attracted to someone based on what we know about them, and we form an image with that information and are attracted to that image. It might take two seconds, such as the love at first sight phenomenon, or it may take months. S01Adam12, you fell in love with what you knew and saw of your SO. He has not changed. What you know of him has changed, as you see him doing things that he has always felt and wanted to do; this didn't just drop into his brain yesterday. You're leaning things that are incongruent with what you are attracted to in a male. But he's the same guy you've always known. All the things you knew about him before, are still there. Try to remember that. Much like a guy who's local baseball team is finally winning, his enthusiasm for what he's always liked is just more open and frequent. Every single one of us wishes every day, that we will find a woman who can see past the guy who likes to play dress up, and love us anyway. Everyone likes to try on roles they don't get to play in our lives; paintball wars are a perfect example; lots of guys like to play soldier, but don't want to really get shot at with real bullets. Crossdressing is similar; we like to dress up, play the girl, but at the end of the day (or week or month, remember there are hard core paintballers who go to camps to do this for days on end too). we go back to being our 'normal' selves. The biggest problem is, MTF crossdressers have to keep this desire pent up inside ourselves for our entire lives. When we finally find an outlet for it, as your SO has with you, it all comes rushing out, and it feels so good to let it all go, we just want that feeling to continue as long as possible until the 'rush' of relief is over.
One of the downsides to this is, unless we actually live in female mode long enough, we don't get to experience any of the downsides to being girls, so the female life continues to appear much better than the male boring day to day living stays, where as we get to have fun while dressed up as females.
Give him some slack. Let him dress up as long as he ends up as a guy at the end.

[mykell]

ill second what amanda has suggested, also i would suggest that you stop enabling him by making him buy his own "stuff" and see how he will slow down some and think more about you and your needs.
you have shown your support and now its his turn, relationships do have two sides, he has to meet your needs of where his dressing goes, its great that he was able share this side to you but its a two way street, if you want it to be private than it should be.....

[SO1Adam12]

Yes I think he is very similar.

Thank you Mikell for that. You are correct, if he wants to go public he will have to figure out how to do that on his own.