20 + years ago - is that what defines me?

[michelle33]

When I was 13 I had my first intimate encounter with another boy. He was a year older but much more developed. I was a late bloomer. I won't get into the details but this went on for a couple of years (he moved away - have wondered recently what would have happened had he not). In any case, as I said I was a late developer and as we began to fool around it was natural for me to take a more submissive role and so began my journey. I used to wear his sisters clothes (underwear) and again I always was the 'girl' in our relationship - well relationship is a bit strong - in our continuous encounters which were frequent. After he did move away when I was 15, I wasn't with another guy again until I was 27. I've been in and out of hetro-relationships since my early twenties - some rather long term. I've since dressed a lot, been with guys en femme and with TS's. Anyway, this post could be much longer but the key question I'm posing is: Do our early experiences define us - regardless of what we try to emulate in terms of 'accepting' relationships?

[Brianna_H]

I don't think they define us. I think they help us find our definition of ourselves. Do you feel bound or confined by your teenage experience? It sounds like you've had a lot of different sexual experiences. Do you always come back to wanting to be the girl with a boy lover? Maybe that's just who you are and your explorations have made that clear?

If my early "experiences" defined me, I'd be a-sexual and that is definitely not the case. I'm a bit jealous of your diverse experiences, really.

[michelle33]

Thanks for the response - no I don't think I feel 'bound' or 'confined' by it but yet I keep coming back to it. I still think about it (quite a bit) and can recall it like yesterday. I suppose I just wonder had I not had that experience - what would I think/be now?

[Rachelakld]

We are defined by our thoughts, and our thoughts shape our actions.
You defined your 13 year old self and took action.
You defined your 27 year old self and took action.
We all do this daily
I must admit, it reads like you have an overabundance of fun.

[michelle33]

Ha! Yep, I suppose I've had quite some fun along the way from an early age (a lot actually - was totting it up in my head recently). But you make a good a point that I defined myself at points in time and took action - but they were all just that - points in time - I suppose I'd like now to make a longer term definition and not just one at points in time.

[Katey888]

Michelle - it doesn't totally define you... It may be something of a window to what makes you tick, but that's all...

Although there may be some deep-rooted feelings and needs that drive us, we also change a great deal through life - I think it's true that we become the sum of our accumulated experiences, and we have a fair bit of latitude about what we choose to experience...

Perhaps you just need to broaden your experience base a bit...? And have more fun in the process...

Katey x

[kimdl93]

No your early relationships, if you can call adolescent experimentation a relationship, do not define you. However, your choices as an adult, certainly by age 27, are clearly indicative of where your varied interests lie.

[AnnetteC]

I believe that we are wired the way we are, and along they way discover more about ourselves. While some have experiences that are traumatic, others enjoy theirs. Either way, it's a discovery, just like the first you taste a new food item. Prior to the first bite, you do not now whether you like it or not. It was in the wiring, you just needed to make the discovery.

Still, life shapes us continually as we experience things.

Am I out in the left field on this?

[devida]

Probably not. The experiences of our youth are useful but only to a point since we change and grow throughtout our lives. I am a very different person than I was five years ago, partly as a result of a dramatic illness. But all sorts of experiences change us and can happen at any point in our lives. There are resemblances between the child and the adult, but very many differences. Because we prefer to find patterns of familiarity we don't notice the differences as much.

[LelaK]

STDs are something that I'm very cautious about.

Are you unsure if you're gay or bi or something else? Are you unsure which sex you want your mate to be? There's also "mates".

[Teresa]

Michelle I am absolutely convinced that early sexual encounters carve it in stone in our brains ! My Cding is sexual, it's immovable in my brain !
I'm sure if other factors or outside influences had been involved I'd be stuck with them ! If my father or other male had interfered with me I may have been Bi or a closeted gay. If sexual acts had been accompanied by violence I might have gone on to commit the same acts ! Unfortunately you also get women committing sexual acts with some terrible results !
We often question if we are born CDers, TSs or gay or whatever but I still think that early sexual encounters hard wire what is basically in our brains, we can try to work round them but they are an immovable part of us !

[Marcelle]

Hi Michelle,

While we cannot deny that our experiences in life flavour the person we are I don't believe the person we become is as easy as a few experiences. This kind of goes to the "nurture / nature" debate regarding the human psyche. So I believe while experiences give us a "window" (as Katey says) to look through at ourselves. There has a to be a biological imperative which not only keeps us looking through the window but allows us to open the door and explore.

Hugs

Isha

[Beverley Sims]

It probably gives a good grounding in our future directions.
More encounters with females probably would change that direction.