Do they believe how bad you feel ?

[Teresa]

This is really a two part question, the first part is based on some members saying they don't need to dress everyday and can often go days or even weeks before dressing again.
My Cding started at about 8-9 yrs and every single day to the point now in my sixties I have to mentally push the thoughts aside to try and do the normal everyday things, and if I was totally out and accepted would possibly dress everyday.

So my first question is do you have that daily mental struggle or do you have gaps when it comes and goes ? I'm disregarding external triggers that might put the thought there !

The second question is based on that daily struggle.
When you come out about your CDing do you find people don't believe how much you're struggling mentally or do they think you're exaggerating for an excuse to dress ?

I've come to the point now where I can't mentally fight it anymore, my CDing has got to come out !
I posted a thread a while ago about being lazy or something is changing ! That change has got to happen because I'm struggling to function !
At the moment I'm living two lives, one on the forum, where I'm discussing our shared problem, hopefully helping others and having some fun ! I know I'm spending too much time on the forum but the shutdown button means literally that, I enter a real world of isolation through lack of acceptance !

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

I am going to dispense some thoughts which are just that thoughts and should in no way be taken as a way ahead for you but more so how I see things in my own perception of being TG. I see a lot of threads and advice about coming out to SOs (tell the truth it is the only way) and friends (they'll understand and if they don't who cares). While I don't deny the voracity of those stances, I also believe that if a person can live quite comfortably in the closet keeping what they do to the privacy of their own world, continue to be a good an decent person/partner with no emotional stress, then there is no compelling reason to come out to the world.

In your situation (if I read it correctly) you are at an emotional impasse. Specifically, your desire to dress/express/present is now intense enough that hiding it is causing your stress. This differs from the person who is happy doing his/her thing on their own in private as there is no emotional distress. Hiding and repressing can have disastrous results so when you reach that point, you have to think about your own emotional well being as well as those close to you. This would be the point where I would recommend that you have that talk with your wife and explain what is happening with you. Will it go well, I cannot guarantee that (nobody can) it is a probability of .50 in either direction. However, I do know (from personal experience) that if the emotional distress is so extreme, it will affect your relationship through spill over. If you are miserable hiding, you will become moody, despondent, and eventually angry (at life in general). This will affect your relationship (it did for me).

For me I do know that when I came out (luckily it went well) the emotional distress evaporated and now I dress when I feel a need to express Isha but for the most part I stay boy me. So there is no longer an internal struggle per se only synthesis of two identities. My wife and I have discussed the "what if" at great length "What if I want more and it becomes too much for her to handle" . . . we both agreed that should that occur we will try to deal and compromise but in the end, we are both prepared to walk away. Not because we don't love each other anymore but more we know at that juncture we cannot travel the same road.

Hugs

Isha

[hope springs]

The longest ive gone without dressing since recently coming out is 10 days. Id say my max is a week before i get a really anxious to dress. It doesnt bother me on a daily basis. So far im only out to 2 people so i havnt had to deal with people questioning my frequency. If you need to dress daily it sounds more gender dysphoria aka on the trans side of the spectrum rather than pure CD. But im far from an expert. Good luck girl, we all know its a struggle

[sometimes_miss]

Based on how people respond when confronted with a crossdresser, it's pretty apparent that a lot of them believe it's simply a choice we made to wear female clothing. Just like a lot of people still believe that homosexuality is a choice as well. Some are polite about it, some, not so much. Unless you personally experience gender dysphoria, it's pretty hard to know how it feels. Kind of like people who have hallucinations; to them, it's just as real as anything anyone else experiences. My ex never understood why I couldn't 'just stop it', she took it as a personal insult that I continued to crossdress after I found out how much she wasn't comfortable with it, and that belief probably had a lot to do with why she was so angry as we divorced. She didn't understand that it wasn't something I did, it's something that I am. And I think that's the generally held feeling about us by most of society; they see it as a recreational activity.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Wow, Teresa, this is really sad. Im so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm wondering, too, if my H suffers this way, and on the same token thinking 'oh lord, if he does, we're kinda doomed'.

I hope you can figure this out soon as you only get ONE life and you can't live it feeling this unhappy. If crossdressing makes you happy, I think you need to go do that. Forget why you need to do this, because I think we've all given up on that one, lol. But go do it anyway, and let your wife find her happy elsewhere.

Does this seem like a rash response? Honestly, it's the only response. I think we've also figured out that I feel a lot like your wife in all this and there's really only one thing that would hurt me more than my H leaving me, and that's him staying and pretending to be happy, all the while wishing he could just live freely as a crossdresser. I think we would fast become enemies in this scenario. That's the truth, and I only tell you that because I know you get me

I would want my H to leave if he was having these thoughts. Maybe he is...and maybe that's our future. But that's what I'd want.

Huge hugs x

[Tina G]

About 2 months ago i had enough and got to a point where i couldn't take it anymore. Started telling my closest friends and even more a short while later. Everyone has been supportive and i've yet to have a friend say they aren't ok with it. I'm dressing a lot more now and slowly going into public. It was a struggle before switching roles all the time and being stressed with the anxiety going from drab to my true self behind closed doors. I feel a lot better now and the struggle just isn't there, my friends know i go to a therapist and they also keep asking how things are going and if i need any help. I'd say that i am lucky in that i have a large support group that really does understand the struggle i had before and they just want me to be myself.

Tina

[Kate Simmons]

If you can enjoy being yourself in either mode, that is great and that is the point I have come to. It's totally my choice who I want to be and when and I hold the reins. Of course being retired makes that easier I'm sure as I answer to no one but myself and have no undue pressures either way. In this case I never feel bad whatsoever, just feel like myself.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Sometimes miss,.

i wonder many here are dressers okay yet heres something iv thought before ,

Im not a dresser okay ,yet i do is it seen in the same way as many here would say they dress because of and we all know those reasons yet i wonder if you for get i dress for other reasons , is there a likeness .

leave out what i am that does not matter you all know any way ,

I dress because of my background and my heritage being from Prussia = Germany , to me i miss when im not in my garb and when we have our camp im in my elliment yes a whole week 250 of us no other clothes just what i have i dont take your mandan or your girle clothes ,

so i travel to and from camp fully dressed as a Wench or Chatelaine, i hate it when im not in those garb - clothes , 1/2 day there and 1/2 day back .stop and talk to others as needed and see Jos as well,

so do you think this only apply,s to dressers, think about us maybe we are not seen as a dresser , yet we do and if not more than many here, so who are the dresser.s,

allso i can bring in my Edwardian dress code same again we dress for our do,s,

you dont all have it your way you know think out side the box about those of us, yes okay we are female same apply,s , i thought no im not one of you here , i am you know,

...noeleena...

[NicoleScott]

I think about CDing every day, evidenced by my checking in here every day, sometimes several times. But I can't and don't dress every day, and I can live with that. I see opportunities in the future when I will have the private time and place, and I seem to be able to focus and prepare for that time rather than get bummed out because I can't dress every day. I'm pretty much an all-or-nothing dresser, so my dressup sessions require several hours - no quickie throw-on-a-dress-for-a-few-minutes for me. So no, I don't struggle every day when unable to dress, and I wonder if those that do are really "just" CDers if their inability to express their femininity every day is so upsetting.

[GailNightshade]

Im one of the lucky ones and the Mrs encourages it. She at least tries to understand even if she isn't attracted in any way. I don't really have friends so that part takes care of itself and a few of my family members know and are accepting including my super macho exmilitary brother (he only picked on me a little bit).
So, i would say yes. If they truly know and love you, they will understand or make an attempt to understand your plight

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Teresa

To me it seems you have come to a fork in the road where you will have to make the choice were you see your life going. I will admit that I too are sometimes consumed by the thoughts about/need to dress and likewise, I do not have nearly as many opportunities as I would like. My wife obviously likes to keep a tab on it and minimize it for her sake, whereas I normally try and push the envelope a bit. It is only natural that both parties will try suit their own needs.

You will have to decide where you want to go with this. Dress up more and drive the wedge between you and your wife deeper, or try lessen the impact on her by dressing less. The first instance could lead to separation and the second to stress/anxiety for you (as it does for me). Both roads are not easy, and having chosen one, you will probably look at the other and experience some form of trepidation.

For me the choice basically boils down to this: How strong is your need to continue your life with your wife? If you can see yourself living separate lives you know what the answer is. If you want to continue life with her, you will have to find ways to lessen the impact of the need to CD on your life. Hard as it is, you need to find something to pull your mind off CD'ing. Tough, as I know only too well what an all consuming force it can be.

Please note that I am preaching to myself here as well since I do not see separation as an option. I do think that, though this need is stronger than all of us, (otherwise we wouldn't be on this site!) we can still exert some measure of control over it. We do not let other impulses (like smacking some idiot on the head!) dictate to us so why do we let this?

As always everything in this life boils down to the choices that we make. All said and done you are probably more confused now.

[Renee Elise]

Hi Teresa,

It's an interesting ride with this...sometimes the need to be a girl is all consuming, particularly if I haven't been able to dress in awhile. Other times even if I have the opportunity I'm content just to lounge in my sweats as a guy and watch baseball. The feminine thoughts for me are kind of like a sine wave. I do feel way better as a guy out in the world when my inner lady is happy too though .

No doubt this is a tricky thing for us to figure out...good luck girl!

Xoxo,
Renee

[Amy Fakley]

I think it's a little like trying to explain what the color blue looks like to someone who has been blind since birth.

Someone who has never experienced gender dysphoria could never really understand the emotions involved. Add to that, from the outside, it seems completely ridiculous ... what you mean you're feeling stressed out and depressed because you can't wear women's clothes?. I mean, honestly it does sound like a punchline.

My wife believes me I think. She certainly seems to be able to tell when my gender issues are gnawing at me. As far as being "an excuse to dress" ... well I suppose if you change "excuse" to "reason". Yes indeed, that does seem to be where the rubber meets the road. Because if I never felt that way I probably would never have cross-dressed in the first place.

Hang in there, Teresa. I think most all of us have been in that place where it's just boiling under your skin and driving you crazy.
It's like Cowbell Fever, there is but one cure, LOL. Hope you find some "me time" soon :-)

[Lynn Marie]

I'm just a simple CDr. I'm happily unattached and I'm free to dress anytime I like. I can go anywhere I like anytime I like. Yet I only dress up a couple times a week! I'm pretty sure it's the restrictions put on your CDing that is so frustrating and just makes you desire it all the more! I have other interests, hobbies, and projects so that what was once an obsession is now just another interesting highlight in what is now the very best years of my life.

[Henriette7]

Hi Teresa
I think I know exactly how you are feeling. I have the exact feeling in periods where my dressing is far away. Often it is for me a matter of doing a lot of other things in the family, things that takes all the time away, but also a wife that try's to keep you busy and out of dressing. I would say that I also have a daily struggle with no dressing, but it seems to me that after the dressing part is over, the dressing feeling goes away for a short period. You should consider how you want your life, do what you feel about deep inside, do not suffer with a daily struggle just to function as a normal human being. Talk to your friends about it, after all that's what life is about, helping each other :-)

All the best to you
Henriette

[CynthiaD]

Hiding your true self is super stressful. That's the main reason for coming out, to relieve that stress. As far as explanations go, most people won't be interested, so don't bother. My "outings" are all to people who I encounter unexpectedly while en femme. I don't make announcements, and I never "explain." My attitude is "Yes, I'm wearing a dress today. So what?" I'd be happy to explain if someone asked me, but nobody ever does.

[MsVal]

Oh, Teresa, I hear the pain in your words.

I wish that I could say something or offer some advice that would ease that pain.

As I recall, you are retired, you are with your wife all day, and she is unaware of your crossdressing. Dressing, and suppressing the desire to dress is occupying your mind to a greater extent every day, it has become impossible to ignore, the internal struggle is wearing you down, and it is affecting your ability to function. You believe that disclosure would provide relief but wonder if it's the wise thing to do.

I can identify with that situation, point for point.

I read everything that I could and found no way to make the anxiety go away. The dear ladies on this forum reported many cases of disclosures gone well, and many that had gone bad. That only added to the confusion, doubt, and pain.

I over analyzed it and came to these simple conclusions: I could do nothing and have 100% certainty of being more miserable every passing day. I could disclose to my wife and have an even chance of success or failure. If successful, then the misery would diminish. If unsuccessful, the misery would intensify, potentially to the point of divorce, but would then diminish.

It was clear that doing nothing was the worst thing that I could do, but doing 'something' carried the risk of intense, though temporary misery. I chose to disclose. That was about two and a half months ago. You may have read of my experiences in this forum.

Be very clear on this: the disclosure was painful for me and for my wife. Many hurtful things were said and tears were shed. I wondered if I had done the right thing. Those were dark days, dark as the days following the death of my first wife. But then a wonderful thing happened. Decades of shared love brought us through the worst part and the sun began to shine again. We each wanted the best for the other, and would do whatever it took to keep our marriage going.

Since that time our marriage has actually improved, and interestingly enough, the urge to dress has diminished. Dressing still occupies much of my attention, but the shame, guilt, and remorse are gone. I am no longer overwhelmed with anxiety.


As for whether or not people will believe you, many won't, but that's immaterial. You are the only person that lives in your body. You have sacrificed your own mental health for others for your whole life. It's past time that you begin to think of yourself. It's not being selfish to care for your own health, including your mental health.

I'm not going as far as suggesting that you disclose, but if you do, there are many sisters here that will guide you down this path they walked before you.

Best wishes
MsVal

[JessicaJHall]

Great post, Lexi. Thank you for sharing your experience, mine is similar I think, and it's nice to feel I'm not alone.
I am, however, heartened by the way many of the younger people are embracing LBGT and other forms of blurred gender boundaries, and rejecting the "choice" idea.

[Teresa]

I must thank you all for responding to my thread. Some have misunderstood the mental struggle I was going through, it was the suppression of not wanting to dress because of the shame and guilt, rather than needing the freedom to dress !

My thanks go to Isha , Jenny and MSVal their words are so true because I know they've been there !

Since being on the forum I have managed to talk to my wife on three separate occasions so she is beginning to understand and to some degree accept but the door never remains open, the words have been said, so the problem must go away again. I don't expect it to be the subject of every conversation but it would help if she brought the subject up occasionally, especially when she has admitted how much it's hurting me.
So where I go from here is the question, I've explored most options. Therapy proved to be wasted breath because it requires input from both parties to really work, and that didn't happen. After a really low point Prozac was prescribed until both my wife and doctor became concerned about long term side effects. The problem with medication is it lifts you enough to carry on but also it makes CDing feel more acceptable because the low feeling of guilt and shame have gone away.
Coping asked in one of her replies why I stay married ? Well I've just celebrated forty years, I have two great grown up kids and three lovely grandchildren . I live in a nice house in a good sized plot all paid for, to trade all that to go off and dress up with no guarantee of happiness would be senseless !

Talking is the only solution but how much my wife is prepared to listen I can't answer ! I said I would never denigrate my wife on the forum, my CDing isn't her fault. Sadly after all these years I have to accept she married the wrong person, despite giving all she could ask for !

I guess it brings me to the thread in Loved ones about honesty, when do you tell the truth ?

OK so I'm a Brit ! We're suppose to have stiff upper lips ( even with lipstick on ! ) I've had my moan, I'll just have to get over it and do my best !

[LelaK]

Side effects of psychotropic drugs are scary, as per drugawareness.org.

[Jilmac]

Theresa, I used to be in your high heels. I too have been dressing as long as you, but was unable to come out about it until after my wife passed away. There were many struggled throughout my life and even though my wife knew of my desire to dress, she was very much against it. Since coming out, I can be myself wothout the daily struggles or thoughts hounding my brain.

[sandra-leigh]

Earlier on in my progression, I would go through periods of 2 days to 3 weeks where I found that on my first couple of levels of thought, I didn't care one way or the other about dressing. The shopping urge was gone, clothing stores looked boring in the same way that they do to guys, I couldn't be bothered to go to my cross-dressing group, I couldn't be bothered to dress more obviously (e.g., wear a skirt to go get groceries), times when I wondered why I was interested in cross-dressing at all. I continued to wear stealth female clothes at work, but that was partly out of habit: for example if I had to wear my old guy jeans for a couple of days, the only distress I felt was with respect to knowing that eventually I would fall back to the more stressful trans mindset.

But when those times came around, I was feeling empty about almost everything. No ambition, no care about what I was eating, no push "back" to male, no stress about the situations at home. I was alive, I did my duty by going to work, nothing positive happened, nothing negative happened, all I had was a vague satisfaction that I got through another day.

Well you know what they say about anti-depressants: that in removing the lows, they can also remove the highs, leaving you unable to feel much. I think it was like that. Might have been exactly that.

These days, years later, I am 24/7 living as female in the community. But I encounter days of thinking maybe it would be okay to "go back to" male instead of going forward to the name change and (later) legal gender change. But these days, the mental image I have of that includes continuing to dress "obviously" at will. Not as "cross-dressing" but because that's part of who I am. If I working and I needed to fill out "M" or "F", I would (in that situation) fill out "M" on the basis of... well, habit in part, and just not experiencing my female self-identity strongly enough to go through the struggle. If, hypothetically, one had known oneself as male for decades, then if one self-identified as 40% male and 60% female, then as long as one was permitted to occupy the middle ground in practice, making the change to female official might not be important.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I must thank you all for responding to my thread. Some have misunderstood the mental struggle I was going through, it was the suppression of not wanting to dress because of the shame and guilt, rather than needing the freedom to dress !

So, you can dress, but it produces feelings of shame and guilt when you do, so you have to get over those feelings to be able to dress?

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Teresa.

I feel your pain. Yesterday I felt an awful lot stronger and felt it my "duty" to give you a kind of "man-up" speech. So I did. Today I feel a lot more empathy to your situation. I feel like crying myself. Why can this not be easier? This life. I know that if we didn't struggle with this thing, we would probably struggle with something else. I feel so weak.

We look up at people with physical disabilities making a success of their lives (Nick Vujicic case in point) and we think "How come they can achieve what they do despite their problems?". Our gender identity is as disabled as their bodies are, but because they overcame their physical disabilities we are expected to overcome our gender "disability". They get public support for obvious reasons, we are swept to the sidelines, ostracised, marginalized, told to "man-up" because there's nothing evidently wrong with us - no physical disability. So we struggle and have to pay someone (psychiatrist) to be willing to help us, because those "closest" to us would rather not hear of it, it is just a perversion after all. An inconvenience that they would rather not entertain, they don't realise what the price is for us who battle this every day. When people with "acceptable" disabilities/issues struggles get to them, help is at hand, when we come to the end of ourselves we get to well... the end of ourselves. So we stretch it a bit further, till we get to the end of ourselves, so we...

So yes I get depressed as well. I am depressed right now. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I last dressed and I can assure you I feel it. I get "ice-pick" headaches from time to time. It feels as if someone stabs you in the head, almost as in that movie with Sharon Stone, but it's over within 20 seconds and there's just a lightness in that area for a while afterwards. Neurologist said it's an unexplained thing that you just have to live with. Yesterday I thought what if it's something worse and I die? Well at least my struggles will be over then, was the first thing that came to mind. No more crossdressing related issues, what a heavenly thought.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, I'm as miserable as you seem to be. Regarding the stiff upper, I'm a Boertjie (Afrikaner) so I'm not even supposed to like you (history and all), yet I feel a kinship with you due to our shared dilemma.

I'll put up a new avatar now, maybe that'll cheer me up.

Have a great weekend (sic).

[Lidea]

So we struggle and have to pay someone (psychiatrist) to be willing to help us, because those "closest" to us would rather not hear of it, it is just a perversion after all. An inconvenience that they would rather not entertain, they don't realise what the price is for us who battle this every day.

Luckily for some of you, those closest to you do hear you, some of them listen or experience it quite often. Actions sometimes speak louder than words.
But I know you didnt write this out of your own experience, more as a general comment.

Wrt people with disabilities... they often tend to look at the life they have, their abilities and are thankful for what they are blessed with. They put their focus on the little good in their life instead of focusing on what they wish they had and allowing that to swallow them whole.
And then again you get people who will see this Cd thing as an enhancement, not a disibility... almost a best of both worlds thing...
But that goes for everybody. Dont we all tend to look at what we dont have, and miss out on what we have. I am also depressed, for the past 2 weeks because of the CDing in my marriage, but I also didnt talk about it, because I also fear the one closest to me would not want to hear it.
I also feel like Ive stretched myself... and also this morning hoped I can just die in some accident, just to be released. Inalso feel dead/numb on the inside.
But then I looked into 5 pairs of innocent eyes, and realised that I have to shift my focus.
And yes, dear, I know it is way more difficult for the CD.