Uncomfortable

[mechamoose]

I have posted more then a few links on this. But I'm finding it particularly frustrating at the moment.

I'm a big furry dude who feels like a little bitty girl inside. I'm blessed in that my wife likes me playing the female role, as she is very much the "boy" in our 30 plus year relationship. She accepts me. She supports me. I like wearing frilies, and she *loves* that. It fits her counterpart male side vs mine perfectly.

So, in my daily life situation, I find I have to hide behind my fur. I'm in NFL ranges for body and weight, but I internally identify as a tiny thing with boobs & hips.

I'm never going to be one of you girls that can 'pull it off'... one who can wear a short skirt & heels and have it look *right*. The few trans events I have attended have been super cool, and just as isolating. I can't go to where you go. Sure, I'm 'accepted as a sister, but I don't *FIT*. 'Accepted' isn't the same as thing as 'one of us'.

I did a CD event a few months ago. I was accepted, but I was the subject of a ton of private whispers. "Look at that, she has a beard!" "It is just a guy in a dress." Sure, I hadn't worn forms. My 52" male chest filled out my dress quite well, thank you. I wore dangley earrings, eye shadow and mascara, sequined heels.. but nobody would have ever sen me as anything but male (which is disappointing, but understandable)

I'm a GIRL, dammit, trapped in a bull male body. I *like* my bull male body. It is strong and capable and can do all kinds of cool stuff. I still wish I was different inside.

Nobody came up to talk to me that whole night. I spent the night jamming to music and dancing with random T-girls who seemed to appreciate the attention. (Props to the sweetie who let me grab her by the hips and rock it out dancing!)

The acceptance (non rejection?) felt great, but I still felt like an outsider. I was a 'gurl', but not quite a 'girl'.

I'm FEMALE, inside dammit. I happen to live in a very masculine frame. A *nice* one. I really enjoy what it gives me. But it doesn't allow, even in the slightest, to wear anything from VS.

"Gender identification" is a (convenient) lie.

It has nothing to do with what your chromosomes say you are, It has nothing to do with roles or destiny. You are *YOU*.

Forgive me, I'm kind of hacked off at having to be 'deliberately' male for job interviews, (other threads) rather than being who I really feel that I am. I'm 6'2", 235#, 'V' shaped. That is my 'outside'. Inside, I'm a pear shaped thing with hips and a swish. I'm sad that it has NO connection to who I am ''inside'.

I'm a GIRL. Beard be damned.

(confused, frustrated, annoyed)

Thank you for all you do sisters!

(Gripe, moan, complain)

- MM

[Nadine Spirit]

Sorry Moose, that sucks.

I showed my wife a picture of some smokin hot woman today at lunch and said, the only time I ever even feel the slightest hint of wanting to transition is a ridiculous fantasy that I could look like something like that woman. She looked at the photo, laughed, and said "yeah, I'd look like her also if I could." We both laughed. Such is life I suppose.

[Sarah Doepner]

MM, this is probably the thing that most of us could agree on about our self perception. In fact, there are probably a lot of GG's who don't have the reflection in the mirror that they would prefer. So I guess the trick is finding that occasion, that set of conditions that allow us to celebrate that inner girl without feeling like we are something odd. It seems that you've done a great job of recognizing your feminine side and need to be congratulated for that, a lot of us fight that for years. Now it's time to work on the rest of it and try to find peace in the contadiction you find in the mirror. In the meantime and from here, you look like you are 5'2", barely 100 pounds and have great, smooth skin and features. I'm jealous.

[Candice Mae]

Hey Moose, There's nothing wrong with wanting to be who you are and I am happy for you to have accepted your inner/mental self. But you also have to accept your physical self, what limitations or problems you see also need to be accepted. Some can be changed to match your inner self, body hair, weight ect. Somethings can not be changed Height and hand/foot size that you just have to learn to live with.

And being 5'7'' and 130lbs is nice, but the grass really isn't that much greener on the other side of the fence. I really have to watch what I eat and exercise a lot to maintain where I'm at.

[Teresa]

MM I'm sorry being biased but I would dump the beard !!
My father was about your size unfortunately we didn't get on but I hated his beard because he hid his aggression behind it !

I think quite a few people have problems with beards, I know you don't want to pass but maybe your image is a little scary when the one inside is totally opposite and you want to show more of that !

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Hugs, Moose. And can I give you a little perspective? Most of society will see little difference between a crossdresser who is 5' 5 or 6' 5'. The only critic you need to confront is yourself. No, you're not a small, pretty little thing...but neither is most of the female population!

Embrace the body you've been given as it might very well be the only one you get. x

[Donnagirl]

MM

In reality we are all nothing more that men in dresses... All but the minutest few of us can actually 'pass', the rest, well if you don't look girly a little or don't look girly a lot, not looking like a girl is the common denominator. C'est la vie...

[Katey888]

Bless you MM - I do feel for you and others like you...

Fate can be cruel the way it divvies out good and bad things in life - we all have a bit of a burden to shoulder and it seems unfair that someone like me can be satisfied with just a few hours of expression every so often but you need and would benefit from much more... It makes me wonder more deeply about what makes up the human personality and spirit and affirms my belief that we're a lot more than just a collection of water molecules and minerals...

But - you have a great relationship; not all of us have that... You and your family have their health; again, not all of us have that... And you can express yourself out in the real world; not all of us get to do that... yet...

So focus on the positives... and if it's any consolation, I'd dance with you and you could bump my hip - but no hands!

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi MM,

Sorry your are feeling down and frustrated and going to an event with fellow TGers only to be isolated well just saying . . . not cool . It is funny that while we CDers come is all shapes and sizes we are all just men in dresses and it is also amazing how some loose sight of that fact. IMHO there is no right way or wrong way to do what we do. Some can blend/pass in society some cannot but is it really about blending/passing or just being who you need to be to make you feel good? You have a lovely wife who accepts you for who you are and from what I have read, you have no issues being who you are to the world around you and that is a good thing

Feminine/Masculine is not defined by what a person wears, how good their make-up is, type of facial hair or body size. Feminine/masculine is a collection of qualities (e.g., kindness, strength, caring, daring) which all people (males and females) should aspire to in order to be a decent person. From what I read of you sweetie you are a caring husband and a good person and regardless of the fact you are NFL proportioned on the outside your inside is what defines you as the person you are and that person is good. You could be a CDer who passes without a worry but if you don't have the inside traits we should all aspire to . . . then you are just a jerk in pretty clothes and make-up.

Hugs

Isha

[JessMe]

Moose,
When you dress, who are you dressing for? When you dress for YOU, something nice happens... that swishy girl with the hips has a little bit of time to enjoy herself! As for the hushed whispers of the others, well, "haters gonna hate." (As an aside; I have never understood all of the judgement within the community.)
For the record, you and I are of very similar height, build, and weight. Though I am a bit smaller in the chest, and logic would dictate, larger around the middle. I have to accept certain limitations about my body, and make certain changes that I can make (I.e. exercise more, drink fewer sodas/beers, watch what I eat.) To make my body fit my expectations. As far as the beard goes; if ya like it, keep it! If ya don't, shave it. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to CD. Do what makes YOU happy.

[mechamoose]

Thanks all!

I know that I'm unusual in that I push gender boundaries in a different way that most here. I'm willing to go out in *obviously* cross-gendered clothing and presentation. I do have a serious issue with not being able to wear skirts day-to-day. Why should it matter? Why is it disruptive?

Not just 'non-traditional', but 'disruptive'.

Is it just because I live in the US and not the Middle-East or Asia? Really?

Is it so ingrained that a big person like me should be in big, heavy boots and a stained t-shirt, who doesn't give a damn about how they look?

I get that people are not used to it, but why should it make them *uncomfortable*? I'm just being ME.

Again, thanks to all of you for your kind words.

- MM

[CynthiaD]

I think your feelings of being isolated at CD events may be a problem of attitude. If you're waiting for others to make the first move, expecting to be the odd woman out, others can sense your attitude, and will tend to leave you alone. If you walk in like you own the place (you do, don't you?), say hi and wave to everyone, give lots of hugs, blow kisses, and insert yourself into conversations, your experience might be very different.

[Stacy M.]

MM, since you're looking for a job, you should really consider losing the beard, at least until you find a job. Or trim it extremely short. As big as you are, you may intimidate people in interviews. The beard adds to that. I work in IT also, and there are some beards, but not many.

Try a goatee, maybe. That will look eccentric... Perfect for IT.

[Rhonda Jean]

MM, I know this is going to come across as insensitive. I don't mean it as such. It's just perspective. Just as you gave us yours, here's mine.

Height and weight aside, the beard just comes across to me as "not trying at all". How hard is it, and what possible problem could it cause to just shave? I don't get it. It comes across to me as flaunting the "man in a dress" thing. Kinda like, "Yeah I'm a man in a dress! What are you going to do about it!". Maybe not the way you mean it, but the first impression would already me made.

I think we all appreciate effort. It takes a lot of effort for all of us. Some more than others, but it's not easy. About a year ago I saw a sister who was about your size in Walmart with a GG. She rocked the hell out of it! The hair, the nails, the makeup, and clothes that fit and made the very best of what she had. She was awesome!!

So, if you want to be accepted, try fitting in. That doesn't mean just putting on a dress and some blue eyeshadow. Start by shaving. Everything. Or at least everything that shows. I don't get what's the big deal about shaving. I do get the big deal if you don't. Find clothes that make you look like a woman. If you're dressing like that "tiny thing with boobs and hips" in your head, that's not going to ever work. Find clothes that fit! Learn how to do makeup. Not screwing around with whatever you bought on clearance. Buy foundation that matches your skin tone. Learn how to contour. Learn how to do your eyes. Don't just plaster on some color on your eyelids. Stay away from the bright red lipstick. Get your nails done by a pro. Get your brows done by a pro.

Maybe it's a little scary to try that hard. You know that no matter how hard you try you're never going to be that "tiny thing", but you can do a hell of a lot better than you're doing. I think for many of us it's a little scary to immerse ourselves in it. It's a little less scary to half-ass it. You can pretend you're just doing it as a joke. Put on your big girl panties and quit half-assing it. Own it!

[NicoleScott]

I'm with the "shave it off" folks. It's better to be a dude in a dress than a dude with a beard in a dress.

[Krisi]

I would guess that you wern't accepted at tge CD event because it appears you didn't even try to present female. Sure you wore a dress, but you wore a beard. You didn't wear breast forms and I suspect you didn't wear butt and hip padding. Did you shave or cover your arm and leg hair?

Do everything possible to look like a female and I think you'll do better next time.

[mechamoose]

MM, I know this is going to come across as insensitive. I don't mean it as such. It's just perspective. Just as you gave us yours, here's mine.

Height and weight aside, the beard just comes across to me as "not trying at all". How hard is it, and what possible problem could it cause to just shave? I don't get it. It comes across to me as flaunting the "man in a dress" thing. Kinda like, "Yeah I'm a man in a dress! What are you going to do about it!". Maybe not the way you mean it, but the first impression would already me made.

I dropped my beard twice. Once when I was in the USAF, and once while working for Monsanto.

"Conchita Wurst". You can rock a dress with fur and still be hot.

It isn't about 'trying', dear. It is about being who you ARE and not being sorry for it. I'm *never* going to be a convincing girl. 'Trying' is pointless.

It is about me being a human being who feels more female than male, who lives in a bull male body. It is about me being looked at funny for wearing a cami & skirt. It is about gender assumptions. Why should facial fur matter, hon?

GirlBeards

- MM

[Sara Jessica]

Stay away from the bright red lipstick.

But I like red lipstick sometimes!!!

MM, I really enjoy reading your words here. Your perspective is truly unique. I also appreciate that you are willing to put yourself out there to share how you feel. This post in particular does so on many levels.

My opinion is going to pretty much align with what Rhonda said but with a caveat. You describe inner turmoil but I am reading more into the socialization angle.

It is easy enough to be the pretty little thing at home with your wife. You will be loved unconditionally rather than judged.

Stepping outside, alone or perhaps with your wife, she'll still love you for everything you are but some (many?) of the Muggles will find your presentation a bit jarring. They may let this be known to you or simply say things behind your back. Either way, I see your strength as being able to overcome such criticism.

Going into trans spaces with your presentation takes things to an entirely new level. You become an outlier in a community of outliers, most of whom either cannot or will not get their head around the furry bearded guy in a dress that they perceive. Sometimes those who are already marginalized can be the best marginalizers out there.

So then comes the question as to where said "CD events" are held. If you attended a gathering in a mainstream environment, the participants are likely trying to fit in as a group of women despite the reality that a gaggle of trans-women are likely to be read in a heartbeat. Your bearded presentation likely flies in the face of what many are trying to accomplish, hence the cold shoulder.

My opinion may not solve anything in the grand scheme of things but I hope it helps you feel better in some way.

[Andy66]

Whoa, a whole lotta tough love going on here. MM, even if you dont agree with alot of these comments, its obvious that you are much loved here.

I can relate, even if Im at the other end of the spectrum, so to speak. I like to think if I were genetically male I would be some sort of cool nerd, like a cross between James Bond and a chemistry professor. lol! In reality I look like a fat, middle aged mom. Thats not how I feel. But I have had short hair and hated the way it looked on me, cant seem to lose the weight either. It is what it is, as much as it does suck at times.

The cool thing about your build is that, in the business world, people who look like you, as long as they dress in a nice suit, have a career advantage because of the way others perceive them. Business is very much about others perception of you.

[mechamoose]

My opinion may not solve anything in the grand scheme of things but I hope it helps you feel better in some way.

Thank you Sara. I know I'm an odd fish. I wish there were more like me here. (Frankly, I'm surprised that I'm so unique)

I want to *belong*, in the same way that you folks who are pretty do. I'm your sister, and I will use my fur and muscle to defend and protect you. I'm ashamed that 'civil' society has such a hard time finding a comfortable place for you/us.

The person who organized the TS/CD events I have gone to was psyched that I was there, and was able to 'let my hair down'. I tore my dress, mangled my sparkley heels, and had a WONDERFUL time.

I just want to fit in, you know?

- MM

[mechamoose]

The cool thing about your build is that, in the business world, people who look like you, as long as they dress in a nice suit have a career advantage because of the way others perceive them.

And that is wrong...

(squee!)

- MM

[Andy66]

Yes, it is wrong. Anybody with a soul and half a brain knows that, but these are corporate managers were talking about here.

(squee!)

Lol! Kitty hugs!

[Katey888]

Andy - can I carry that thought a bit further in defence of my fellow corporate managers... They're not all bad folk...

I think this goes full circle back to what society is accepting of... corporate managers have to be cognizant of who their managers will be interfacing with and the presentation of the individuals is one aspect. Rightly or wrongly, OTHER folk (clients, suppliers, partners, shareholders, employees etc.) are influenced by the nature of your organisation's presentation (viz: IBM 30+ years back and the white shirt, dark blue suit and tie uniform) and who you select for a role has to fit in... You may have a very liberal-minded individual in a selection role, but if they make the best choice of individual they will in all likelihood choose the one that fits with the image they expect the other stakeholders to accept... I've had to face this in a slightly more extreme way deciding who to send on support assignments to the Middle East - your best staff member may be female, but you don't send them on assignment to Saudi...

If broader society were more accepting, it would obviously be easier to be different... How great would it be in a world where you MM, could work in a skirt all the time, and I could decide some days blue suit and male; other days black skirt and female presentation... but oh, how that would royally mess with the muggles' minds...

That doesn't excuse other girls not being more hospitable... but society is what it is, conditioning and all...

Katey x

[DonnaT]

I do have a serious issue with not being able to wear skirts day-to-day. Why should it matter? Why is it disruptive?
Not just 'non-traditional', but 'disruptive'.

I've seen guys wearing skirts out and about. I've not seen any public disruption because of it. Most people just go about their business, others stare, and occasionally there are spoken comments. Depends on where you are at times too.

With your size, how many are going to accost you? Very few, I would assume.

[mechamoose]

f broader society were more accepting, it would obviously be easier to be different... How great would it be in a world where you MM, could work in a skirt all the time, and I could decide some days blue suit and male; other days black skirt and female presentation... but oh, how that would royally mess with the muggles' minds...

But that is kind of my point. Why are we so judged/ruled by Muggles? Where does that come from?

Who are you/we trying to please? Why should we be 'sorry' for being ourselves?

Sure, I can play a part... why aren't "they" interested in what I can do *beyond* that? My affinity for skirts and painted nails has *nothing* to do with my skills. I'm *awesome* in my field, Why should my choice of shoes/clothing have *ANYTHING* to do with that?

We should be free to be OURSELVES, honey. We shouldn't be penalized for it.

<3

- MM