My lovely SO and I don't feel it's in the best interest of any of our kids - so it remains private.
My lovely SO and I don't feel it's in the best interest of any of our kids - so it remains private.
There are many details of my life (personal and married) that I see no reason to pass to an offspring. Each item needs to be addressed on its merits, and being transgendered is in the category of "don't need to know". That could change as time proceeds, but that's the current status.
I have three boys, two are teenagers, the other soon to be. All know or at least suspect but the SO was a little concerned as to who they would tell. She was more concerned about the other mums at school questioning her.
We have recently decided that the boys should know and I will be breaking the news to them very soon. (At least I can now escape from behind the bedroom door!!)
Call me Donna, please
I see a lot of post talking about teaching the kids what we do is normal, It isnt normal not even a little, if it was wouldnt we all be out walking down the streets and not in the closet? None of us would ever need therapy? What we do is not the norm in any shape or matter. However i raised both of my daughters to be color blind, to be accepting and loving to all no matter their dress, sexual preferance, skin color. All that really matters is, are they truely a good Human Being.
As a side it seemed to work because i have watched them grow up to become Wonderful woman who accept people for who they are regadless of color, sexual preferance,or gender. I watched them friend the underdog at school, when no one else would and include them in their group. I know if i was to ever tell them about my dressing they wouldnt blink an eye, but there is no reason for them to know. My wife and i dont discuss every detail of our lifes with them, they have enough on their plate making their way in the world.
Laura28: When I was born, abortion was illegal. It was still very much ok to discriminate based on race. The Stonewall riots hadn't happened yet.
Normal is what we teach is normal. In 1950-60's America, it was perfectly 'normal' for Southern kids to be taught that segregation was not only ok, but *expected*.
I *do* wear girl stuff out in public every day, thank you.
I was up front with my kids that I *expected* them to have sex.. at 13. Not because I thought they would flaunt around, but because it was human and natural. They would have *no idea* when an opportunity would be presented to them... I kept a stash of 'no questions asked' condoms in a place where my boy had access to them. I put my daughter on birth control when she was old enough to able to be, 'so long as she lived under my roof'. She thanked me for that when she was older.
Normal is what we make it. If *you* are embarrassed by it, then they will be too.
You need to trust your kids as though they were 'adults with training wheels', not 'babies'. You shape their world view until they get into mid teens. If you wait until then to shape that view, it is already too late.
- MM
- Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
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"I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder
I am out walking down the streets and not in the closet.
"Normal" is over-rated. Every advance made by humanity has been made by the "abnormal", whether abnormally intelligent, abnormally creative, or whatever. I am proud not to be normal.
That's fine and I absolutely respect that. Every situation and every family is different. In my case, I have to present as a woman at least part of the time in order to stay healthy and sane. I had to tell my kids because I had to live an authentic life.
How do you define "normal"? What we do may not be normal when the population of comparison is the world, but the equation certainly changes when the population is limited to this forum, or our own homes. In my mind the decision should be based, not on what's normal, but instead on what is true.
As others have already pointed out it is not always necessary to share every truth with others. The decision to share is a personal one. I chose to live a dual-gendered life outside of the home, so for me the decision was simple.
"It's a sad man, my friend, who's living in his own skin and can't stand the company" - Bruce Springsteen
Come visit me at Jocelyn's World
"Your nail color looks great with these shoes" said my 12 yr old daughter as she did up one buckle as I did the other this past Saturday afternoon at our local TJ Max store. She has been out and about with me since she was 5.We live like 3 girls in a house so it perhaps isn't the usual here.
It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !
- Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
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"I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder
I had a lovely GIRLS day out with miss 16 last week - shopping & lunch.
I do the paper round with miss 15 (after sunset as she doesn't want her friends knowing she does a "lowly" job), I'm often wearing leggings, little top and bra.
Miss 11 has seen me fully dressed quite a few occasions.
At their school, there a few transgender & gay kids, and the school teaches tolerance for all.
It's still uncool for parents to be different, which they think is unfair, but know not to blab it to the other kids as it will come back badly to them.
Miss 21 will never know - She would scream it out to everyone in a random manor even if the subject at hand was lawn mowing (she is in tolerant of anyone that does not fit her "norm")
See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz
Oh, I can relate to that! I come downstairs and my daughter looks at me. She shakes her head and say "No, no good. You need to tuck in the shirt and put a belt on the skirt. And you need different earrings."
And the hell of it is: I look way better after following her advice.
Dianne S: You did it right, hon! Give that little one a BIG kiss & hug.
You have moved past 'acceptance' and into 'normal'!!
<3 <3
- MM
- Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
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"I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder
Best answer. Your kids have no need to know. I never have and never will do anything that might diminish their respect for me as a man, or father. My kids are grown now, and as far as I know, have no knowlege of what I do.I Have two grown kids daughters. I do not want them to ever know. Being a CD and not planning to ever change my sex I see no reason for anyone other then myself and my wife to know. Kids today don't need to know and they have enough on their plates now why confuse them with this. Let's face it they will talk that's a given. I feel sad for the kids today they are not aloud to be kids anymore we want to include them on everything. Let them play have fun enjoy their youth life is tough but when your a kid it should be just fun.
I don't think I have much of a choice if this issue ever comes up for me. My sanity demands that I get out of this closet and come out completely as transgender as soon as I figure out how to go about it. I strongly believe I'm going to need some degree of transition too before long so I can't really hide nor do I want to, not from my own hypothetical kids. I wouldn't want them hiding anything this big from me so why would I do it to them?
We all lament how cruel the world can be to people like us and yet many of you choose to perpetuate that situation when you have a golden opportunity to make things slightly better for the next generation. I'm with mechamoose on this, it will never be normal unless we make it so.
For years I hoped I was just a CDer but now I realize I am transgender and that's alright.
Charla McBee, From my experiences a lot of your success with family will depend on design of inclusion.Things don't have to "blow up"...
It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !
Once again... I don't understand this. I completely respect your choice not to tell your kids and would never dream to advise otherwise. But why should the fact that you crossdress diminish anyone's respect for you? As I posted up above, I think my children actually respect me for telling them and for living an authentic life instead of skulking around in the shadows.
You do say your kids are grown now. They may have developed prejudices and attitudes that are hard to overcome. I think if you are going to tell your kids, it's best to do it when they're young before they have assimilated society's prejudices. I sometimes wish I'd told my kids when they were small.
It shouldn't! But it probably would. We don't live in a perfect world, and I'm not willing to take a chance and let a genie out of a bottle, that I can't put back in!But why should the fact that you crossdress diminish anyone's respect for you?
Be glad you didn't. The whole neighborhood and all the kids in school would have known in a couple days.I sometimes wish I'd told my kids when they were small.
Last edited by MelanieAnne; 08-20-2014 at 09:50 PM.
I only let my kids see me in half dress (girly shorts,lipstick, earrings ect ). My oldest is4 and he does ask questions and look at me funny at times.However i just do as i feel and deal with it as it comes. I do worry someone will have the same nail polish he will notice one day and say "hey thats like my dadys !" I guess Im just one day at a time.
I just want to be a pretty girl!
I guess I keep coming back to a memory of a documentary which took place in Africa, in a REALLY out of the way place. The tribe there was cooperative and welcoming, but the woman journalist was the first white person they had ever seen. She was an instant 'celebrity' and the focus of everyone's attention.
In our world, being white and having that be 'odd' is laughable.
It is all relative to your experience and local circumstances. We are odd because we are not out there much, and while we might be the center of attention when we are, it is rarely in the 'celebrity' category.
- MM
- Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
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"I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder
MelanieAnne,
I still have to agree with you kids don't need to know ! Help them with their problems don't give them yours !
Sorry MM all I say is a I beg to differ on your attitude to your kid's sexual activities at that age ! I'm not a prude but surely your kids have enough to contend with their general education !
My school gave me six hours of homework every night, all day Saturday school and divinity homework on Sundays ! I couldn't have fitted sex in if I tried !!
- Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
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"I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder
Wow. That's abuse, in my opinion.
Back on-topic: I don't expect my kids to have sex at 13, but I certainly expect them to have it sometime between 15-18. Preaching abstinence sure isn't going to work, so it's best to provide facts and education.
As for whether or not kids "need" to know, there's no general answer. In my situation, I felt it would be better for them to know, but everyone's situation is different and I respect the decisions of those who choose not to disclose.
A quick note, I didn't think that any of my kids would have that experience at 13 (They didn't), but I didn't want it to be so surprising and out of bounds that they *couldn't*.
I shared my younger drug use experiences with them when they were old enough to get what an adult drinking alcohol was like. The result? None of my kids went that way.
The idea that I was trying to treat them as 'adults with training wheels' was the bigger thing for me. Personally, I think it paid off.
- MM
- Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
----------------------------------------------------------------
"I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder
I did not come out to my wife until we had been married for over 29 years(about eight years ago), and all of our kids, except one, were out of the house. We decided then that we would not tell the kids. We have five kids, and now, five grandkids. A year or so after coming out to my wife our then 20 year old son came home unexpectedly while I was dressed, fixing lunch for my wife and I. A couple days later he was at a party at his older brother's house, had a bit too much to drink, and told his brother. At that time my wife and I decided that it was best that we tell all of the kids rather than have them find out from each other, which we knew would happen. Four of the five accept my being transgender, of which two are pretty supportive. Our oldest does not accept or support it at all. The comment from our middle son that sticks with me the most was, "Dad, you have to understand, this radically changed our entire image of you. We always saw you as the big, strong fireman who saved lives and can fix anything. Now that image is gone." (Interesting thing is that at least twice since, while dressed, I have rendered aid to people injured in car accidents.)
My oldest daughter does not want me to dress in front of her kids but yet says she does not want me to "lie to them like I lied to her for all of her life." My younger daughter has no problem with me dressing while I'm with her kids, and they give me great hugs and call me "Pappaw" no matter how I'm dressed.
I do wish that I would have been able to be honest with both my wife and my children from the beginning. Then their image of who their father is would not have been so radically changed and a lot of problems that have occurred since coming out to them would have been avoided. However, in the world that we lived in when they were little was much different than the world we live in today. Back then, it was just not practical to come out.
Grace,
Bobbi
"Talking is sharing. Listening is caring."