topics in "the letter"

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm working on a letter to be opened if my adult children snoop like they did when they were young and find my girl things. Or maybe it will be the letter that's there with my things and they have to clean out the house after I die. Or maybe it will be the letter I give them as part of my coming out.

I have a tendency to write too much and really want to hone it down to the critical ideas. So far I have these; I'm the same person they've always known; their mother knew and supported me; Some information about the difference between gender and sex and this is gender; it's important that they talk to me (assuming I'm alive) after they read the letter; This is something that defines me and always has; I'm much more involved in this than they might believe and; I respect them and expect them to respect me in return so let me know what they plan to do with the knowledge so I'm not in the dark, say or do the wrong thing.

So what else should I consider including or what is reasonable to leave out? Have any of you written letters and what kind of response did you get?

[TinaZ]

Hmm ... this is difficult to address because I think what you share and how much you share depends on your relationship with them. Only you know what's going to feel right. But it sounds like you have the important stuff covered.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Ill take it you dont wont to tell them about you now would you have some issues that may come from telling them or would they have issues with you when they find out ,

you are assuming they will accept you regardless, dont count on that, as that may not happen , and even if they do how long would you give them to accept, straight away or 8...YEARs....or longer .

Its a little different with familys, because they have lived with you no, doubt, for many years so could be a big ask does not matter if your male or female they know what you have shown them and portyed to them . over the years, and even if they accept , they will still wonder, and ask many ?s ......

why . wait till after you pass on would it not be better to share who you are with all the details of your life ,

all i ll say about my self is we have 18 in our family from Jos and i they all know every thing.

...noeleena...

[Janice An]

Sarah,
This is really a tough thing to do. I've wanted to write a letter for my kids but not knowing what to say I haven't done it yet. Maybe it will never get written. I can only hope my wife survives me, disposes of everything and keeps my secret.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara, This is something that has been in the back of my mind for a while now.

[Eringirl]

Hi Sara. Wow, tough letter ! IMHO, may I suggest that you include that as their parent, you love them unconditionally, always have and always will ??

[kimdl93]

It seems you've touched all the items that are important to you. I might substitute love for respect. And drop the word expect. You can't demand respect, but you can express love.

Let your ideas rest for a few days and return to it. Some new things my come to mind.

[Jaylyn]

I guess I have a whole different perspective of all this. I and a wonderful wife have raised four great, all successful, kids and now have been blessed with ten beautiful Grandkids. They all think their Grandpa hung the moon. I feel why do I want to jeopardize any thing we have so much invested in. My wife is very accepting of my dressing but I've agreed with her that we need to just let it be our secret. I feel that since the youngest now is in their thirties why should I do anything to make my family feel any thing except that dad was a great father and loves each one and their husbands and wives. Why do I want my Grandkids to feel different about their grandpa. I feel this dressing is my business. On the other foot I'm sure they may have some kinks or quirks that I feel is their business. I hope they do as I feel my dressing has brought my wife even closer together. She was shocked when she found out that a tough old bird like me had a soft inner soul. She stated she loved me even more because i opened a deep part of my life up to her. She and I are a kindred souls and have always been and helped each other with the deepest wishes and what some call kinks or weird. We know each other that deep and really have no secrets between us but we did agree the kids are free thinkers and they have to develop their own soul mates to be one in kindred spirits. Life is crazy enough from the things that happen we weren't planning on so why complicate them with letters or feelings that can get very complicated to others.

[Sara Jessica]

Jaylyn, it may not have been totally clear in Sarah's OP but her wife passed away not all that long ago. As such, this letter may be needed as something to leave behind for those who would tend to her affairs at some point (long time) down the road.

[edit: My comments below pertain to the option of leaving a letter to be found after one's passing. Of course disclosure beforehand may be a more desirable choice in that we would control the message but we have to recognize that this may not be an optimal choice for everyone, outing themselves to those outside of their SO.]

I believe the letter is a very prudent move Sarah and I think your points are stated well. One thing I might add is that this sentence could be changed up a bit...

"I respect them and expect them to respect me in return so let me know what they plan to do with the knowledge so I'm not in the dark, say or do the wrong thing."

I would make your point about respect but also add that given the sensitive nature of this and how others might take it, that your wish is that this be kept under wraps by the reader of the letter/the finder of your stuff. Perhaps leave a number of a trusted gender counselor or friend should they have any questions or need to get something off their chest (so the reader doesn't have to bear this alone).

Hi Sara. Wow, tough letter ! IMHO, may I suggest that you include that as their parent, you love them unconditionally, always have and always will ??

Perfect addition Erin! Maybe add this in the context of respect mentioned above.

[StaceyJane]

I once got the opposite of the letter. I found a letter from my daughter saying she already knew about Stacey. I was a very supportive letter and stressed much much she loved me and wanted me to be happy. I would hope that your children would feel the same way if they found out.

[Sarah Doepner]

Hi Sara. Wow, tough letter ! IMHO, may I suggest that you include that as their parent, you love them unconditionally, always have and always will ??

Erin, I didn't want to include the whole letter (it's up to three full pages single spaced now) but I do use that term. Probably a good idea to use it early and often.

It seems you've touched all the items that are important to you. I might substitute love for respect. And drop the word expect. You can't demand respect, but you can express love.

Let your ideas rest for a few days and return to it. Some new things my come to mind.

Kim, I will ask for them to respect my wishes, particurlary on sharing the information and talking to me about this. I let them know that my trust in them is strong because this is something that can't be undone. I also say that in sharing this information I'm making myself very vulnerable to their reactions. I know that regardless of their response I'm going to cry when it finally happens.

I guess I have a whole different perspective of all this. I and a wonderful wife have raised four great, all successful, kids and now have been blessed with ten beautiful Grandkids. They all think their Grandpa hung the moon. I feel why do I want to jeopardize any thing we have so much invested in. My wife is very accepting of my dressing but I've agreed with her that we need to just let it be our secret. . . . .

Jaylyn, like you I have 4 kids but 14 grandkids now and they all think I'm pretty darn normal for a grandpa. The issue I have is my wife passed away about 18 months ago and she was the one who shared my secret. This isn't going away and at some point, hospitalization, travel emergency, something else will happen that will lead them to my closet for a legitimate reason. I believe it's in my best interest to have someone in the family who knows of this so they only have one emergency to deal with at a time. If the emergency is my passing, then it's a good story for them, but if it's anything else I'm going to have to live with it and I'd like it to be closer to my terms and definitions than what is available in the public market.

It's hard to distill all the pieces and parts that will provide a reasonable explaination during a crisis. That's why I'm thinking it's something I'm going to have to share on my terms one of these days. Just darn personal and complicated.

[Dianne S]

Would you consider telling them in person before a crisis letter is needed? If you're in crisis, that may not be the best time for your kids to find out your secret; it may be better to tell them during a calm time.

However, you know your situation best so it's your call.

Edit: I see that you are considering telling them ahead of time. I honestly think that's the best course.

[Robynts]

Sarah,

I too am working on just such a letter. My wife knows and is tolerant, my daughter (24) has known about Robyn for about 6 years, and seemed OK with Robyn at first. I have never told my son (31) about Robyn but he knows, I believe his sister told him (they are both very successful in industry). About a year ago my son started dating a fundamentalist girl who believed that my dressing is a sin. As a result, neither of my children talk to me anymore. My son ever bragged to my wife that he does not even open my emails.

The letter to my kids which is about 3 pages so far, discusses my childhood experiences dressing and my thoughts from those early days. It walks through my CD life to the present and includes various pictures of me over the years.

Since my kids don't talk to me now I future there is very little to lose by sending them a comprehensive letter, including pictures, about how Robyn fit into my life in the past and how Robyn will fit in the future.

Who knows, maybe they won't even read it and will just file it in Junk Mail.

[Badwolf]

The letter is prudent, but I agree with Dianne. You may need to find a new keeper of your secret to help you out for a bit.

As for trying to control how people perceive it, asking them to come to you first (and making that as welcome a proposition as anything) will help. So will you being in a calm state of mind when they finally do approach you. This is part of the reason why waiting for a crisis to out you may actually be counterproductive. They may not feel comfortable broaching the subject, and you may not be in a great state of mind to handle their questions and concerns (you will not predict them all in the letter).

[GingerSeti]

Well, the whole thing kind of depends on who you're writing the letter for. One of my daughters would be fine and one wouldn't. The one that wouldn't would probably self flagellate for years over it and I couldn't do that to her - so my opinion is to let it be. If they find girlie things they'll hopefully attribute them to an unknown girlfriend.

G