How do you "become" a woman?

[Kate T]

Right, so sorry folks, another one of my "I just don't quite get it" questions.

I "get" TS who have always known they were girls just born with the wrong anatomy. I understand that for many for various reasons transition was / is not possible until later in life.

What I don't get is how someone can "become" a woman i.e. late onset transsexuality. Is late onset transsexuality essentially a variant of TS wherein the individual has so completely suppressed their underlying identity that they convinced even themselves they were male? Can someone truly be a "man" i.e. genuinely at the core of their identity feel they are male, then as they age become a woman and truly feel their identity is female? Can someone possibly genuinely at the core of their identity be both?

[I Am Paula]

I am a classic late onset transsexual. I began medical transition at 54.
The 54 years leading up to this point can only be described as denial, denial, denial. I first knew I was in the wrong body as a very early teen, and wrote it off as being gay. Then I fought my natural urges by becoming 'normal', I married a woman, bought a house, went to work. I still knew I was built all wrong, but as long as I portrayed the American Dream to everybody else, I was fine. Bullsh*t. I overcompensated big time. I wore itchy scratchy plaid shirts, joked and farted with the boys, and seriously drank to excess. In hindsight, I'm sure they saw right thru me, cause I was a girl in wolf's clothing. I struggled thru many years of this. I simply lead my life to other peoples expectations. I had no life, or identity of my own. At about fifty the GD was starting to take over my life. Miserable, but unable to face a truth I was fully aware of. Thud! My brother dropped dead in the middle of the night. He had been my musical collaborator, writing partner, lead singer, everything that was my career, my life, and my passion. I was half a musician without him.
All at once I knew- It is much later than we think. Within weeks I came to accept that there was only one path that was available to me. Transition. Now, and fast.

In conclusion, I don't think that a late onset transsexual really exists. We cannot suddenly become transsexual. We were all our lives, but the driving force to be 'normal' lead us to be consummate actors, and liars. Denial can cover up everything.

BTW- My brothers funeral was the last time I was ever on stage. I cannot go there without seeing a big empty spot on stage where he is supposed to be. I'm still in the music business in a more technical role.

[Rachel Smith]

I can't say I always knew I was a girl. My first memories are that something just wasn't right, that was around age 8 or 9. I wanted to be with the girls and do girl things yet I looked like a boy and was treated as such hearing all the time "boys don't do that". I pondered often what about me, why can't I do that. It seemed not to matter what I wanted or felt even though it was MY life. It only mattered what society saw and if I was going to have any chance at acceptance I best learn how to be what society saw. Isn't that acceptance what we all desire tg or not?

It wasn't until I got into my 40's and I saw MY life passing before my eyes did I consider things could possibly be different. Then in my 50's it became now or never. After much self doubt and research I felt that God would want us all to live as happily as we could and for me that meant transitioning.

Now to your question. Yes I suppose you could be both, I for one was not. I knew at my core there was a female just waiting to get out but as I said I didn't know that early on I only knew that something didn't fit. When I opened that door at 57, with the help love and support of my friends Michelle and Rick and those that went before me here, it was like slipping off a pair of cement boots that were holding me at the bottom of the river where I couldn't breath without drowning. It wasn't late onset transsexuality though to many it appears that way. What it was in reality was just a late coming out.

Hope that helps some

[Frances]

I don't believe in late onset transsexuality, actually, and I am a late transitioner (HRT at 42, SRS at 44). I feel the timing of transition has a lot to do with family social rules and internalized transphobia, and the ability to "hold your breath under water."

I do think, however, that some people confuse hating being men with wanting to be women.

But, I cannot really know what is in the heart and minds of others, so my opinion does not really matter.

[Michelle.M]

I am a classic late onset transsexual. I began medical transition at 54. The 54 years leading up to this point can only be described as denial, denial, denial.

In conclusion, I don't think that a late onset transsexual really exists. We cannot suddenly become transsexual. We were all our lives, but the driving force to be 'normal' lead us to be consummate actors, and liars. Denial can cover up everything.

This is pretty much my story, and I think this is similar to the histories of many late transitioning trans folk.

I don't believe in late onset transsexuality

Agreed. I think that term is misused, and it’s probably only a matter of time before the medical establishment comes up with a more accurate term.

I feel the timing of transition has a lot to do with family social rules and internalized transphobia, and the ability to "hold your breath under water."

Oh, no doubt! I think people believe they’re witnessing “late onset transsexuality” when what they’re really seeing is the delayed result of people no longer submitting to societal pressures to conform. Social norms, religion, lack of support, lack of financial ability, and the fact that medical and psychiatric practitioners have taken so long to catch up to us have made late transitioning the norm for most of us who have done it after the age of 30, 40 or 50 years or more.

This is also the answer for people who wonder why there are “suddenly” so many kids wanting to transition. Had those factors that I just listed continued unabated these kids would all be late transitioners as well. Thank God society is becoming better informed and more (even if only somewhat) accepting of variance.

[Rachel Smith]

Frances your opinion does matter don't ever forget that! People only get in trouble when they state their opinions as facts and you have not done that.

I will now return you to the issues of the OP, lol.

[LeaP]

So timely ...

I echo all the responses. And add suppression, repression, and depression.

On suppression leading to male identity. NO. Being male is something I have emphatically rejected throughout my life, even if I only reached the female episodically. Not even bothering with gender terms, I have usually described myself as being a non-entity.

[I Am Paula]

LeaP- So true. Most of my life I considered my identity just something it said on my passport.

[Marleena]

Adina no TS woman just becomes a woman, they always were female "with a defect". Here's a link to a renowned therapist (just skip to the middle age section).

Some have a clear knowledge they are female at an early age but conform to parents and societal expectations. I was one that knew something was wrong but couldn't understand it.

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

[Dianne S]

I'm 47 and at the beginning of transition. I've known I was a crossdresser for ages, but it's only in about the last year or so that I admitted to myself that I'm TS.

I agree with the others: Denial, suppression and repression were responsible for the late realization.

[Kimberly Kael]

Denial, suppression and repression were responsible for the late realization.

Bingo. It's easy to see in retrospect, but as a child with the world telling you that having a penis is the very definition of being male? That indoctrination into an oversimplified world view can take some undoing.

[DeeDee1974]

At the age of 35 I was mature enough to handle everything that came with transitioning. Yes I was in denial before that. I knew that I had some friends that would support me, my wife would support me and at the very least my mom and sister would support me.

When I was younger I feared I would lose everyone. At 35 I also knew I could stand alone on my own two feet.

[Aprille]

I think at some point you become less afraid of what other people think. You were always "woman" or whatever you believed as a child to be female. It then is necessary, with maturity, to be who you are inside, and only you know what that expression of self is like. Everyone matures differently and has different socio-economic situations, so their timetable may not permit until they are much older. Also, your outward expression, what everyone else actually sees, may be very different from your private home life. What you share with other people is only a tiny fraction of your being.

[Angela Campbell]

For me, I always knew I was a female but fear of being found out, resulting in intimidation, ridicule, violence, or worse, caused me to hide it so very deeply. I don't think there was a single action in my life where I wasn't concerned with someone finding out about me. Every thing I did, every decision I made, every single day was with the intention of not being found out. Eventually this fear caused some pretty major problems in my life. I finally transitioned when it was no longer possible to go on as I was.

[Frances]

So, we basically all agree that the early transitioner/late transitioner Blanchard model is hokum?

[Dianne S]

Yes. I don't buy the "Autogynephilia" theory at all.

[LeaP]

There are people whom it may well fit, Frances, but the idea that it's an exhaustive or even comprehensive is nonsensical.

[Frances]

I think you are conflating my post and Dianne's. I was quite autogynephilic and still am to a certain extent. So, it applies to me. I just don't believe that it is a motivation for transition, but, rather that so-called late transitioners were also so-called "homosexual transsexuals" who simply did not transition whilst young. That's an over-simplification from a cis point of view. My posts are super short (on purpose), and often lead to misinterpretations.

[MatildaJ.]

It's only in about the last year or so that I admitted to myself that I'm TS.

I was in denial before [age 35].

Is late onset transsexuality essentially a variant of TS wherein the individual has so completely suppressed their underlying identity that they convinced even themselves they were male?

That may be true. But I don't see how loved ones are supposed to differentiate between such strong denial and late onset transsexuality. I'm also not sure what the point is, of trying to distinguish between complete denial and late onset transsexuality.

I'm sure for the transitioner, it's reassuring to feel that she has finally figured everything out and she was always a woman. But a spouse may find it easier to believe that the transitioner has changed from male to female rather than to believe that their whole marriage (and decades of friendship) was built on lies and repression.

Perhaps the two people can just agree to disagree and be compassionate with each other. Insisting that one's spouse admit that she married a woman twenty years ago, and has therefore had sex with a woman for twenty years, so why can't they keep on having sex... I don't think that's going to make one's spouse feel good in the present. Likewise, the spouse shouldn't use phrases like "when you were a man" -- that's not going to make the transitioner feel good in the present. They might be well advised to just try to live in the moment and avoid discussing the past if it is too awkward.

[Dianne S]

That may be true. But I don't see how loved ones are supposed to differentiate between such strong denial and late onset transsexuality.

As you say, there's not much point in distinguishing. Late-onset or late-realization transexuality or whatever you call it is utterly devastating for the spouse. It's no less devastating than if her husband was diagnosed with cancer.

I feel horrible for my wife; she is going through a very difficult time. At the same time, so am I. I didn't ask to be trans and I wouldn't choose to be trans, but it is what it is and we need to deal with it.

[whowhatwhen]

I think you are conflating my post and Dianne's. I was quite autogynephilic and still am to a certain extent. So, it applies to me. I just don't believe that it is a motivation for transition, but, rather that so-called late transitioners were also so-called "homosexual transsexuals" who simply did not transition whilst young. That's an over-simplification from a cis point of view. My posts are super short (on purpose), and often lead to misinterpretations.

To be fair, IIRC some genetic women fit the AGP profile as well.
AFAIK It's not used here anymore to invalidate transwomen's identity and deny SRS.

[Brianna_H]

Late-onset or late-realization transexuality or whatever you call it is utterly devastating for the spouse. It's no less devastating than if her husband was diagnosed with cancer.

Not all spouses feel this way. My wife vastly prefers me as a transgender person over me dying of cancer. Neither of us fit neatly into gender boxes in the first place. Her one and only concern so far is that we stay together no matter what and I feel the same.

Humans can hide a lot from themselves. In high school one of our teachers came out as a homosexual after decades of marriage and having a kid. It caused huge trauma for his family and really was a case of living a lie for so long. It's no secret that we can fool even ourselves for a long time. It seems to me that there are people who figure it out early and those who see it late, but it's a gradient, not a line between two different issues.

[Frances]

AFAIK It's not used here anymore to invalidate transwomen's identity and deny SRS.

I don't think it ever was. Even Blanchard says he never did. It is more used as a weapon to repudiate transsexuality by transphobes.

[Kathryn Martin]

As Frances says there no such thing as late onset transsexuality. You are either born with this condition or you are not. Depending on the intensity of your condition you may transition earlier or later. To me the distinction between a 25 year old and 50 year old transitioning is completely artificial. Once you have completed puberty it really does not matter anymore. If you are transsexed then you will transition.

I do not think that TS really experience such a thing as being born into the wrong body. Your body is defective, genetically, organically and physiologically. This defect must be corrected.

You cannot become a woman you either are one or you are not. Being a woman with a defective body comes with social consequences that start at birth. Being socialized according to your genitals is one of them. Once you are socialized as a man, the process is not one of "becoming a woman" but rather to remove and ameliorate the effects of being socialized as a man. That is the hard part.

I don't much subscribe to the suppression, repression and depression theory per se. I do however believe that the transsexed sometimes refuse to cultivate who they are for fear of social reprisals and often begin to cultivate a maleness as if they had something to prove to themselves and the world in which they live. Depending on how intense their condition is this may take years to overcome.

[LeaP]

I don't much subscribe to the suppression, repression and depression theory per se. I do however believe that the transsexed sometimes refuse to cultivate who they are for fear of social reprisals and often begin to cultivate a maleness ...

Thank god you didn't have to live in my head. The first line describes my life. The second is also true.