Flipping my perspective

[Sarah Smith]

So a small bit of background: the first person i told about my cding, was my now ex gf. She broke up with me for reasons unrelated and i was a bit devastated, we left on an open discussion policy and i can still approach her about cd related topics and she will help me as much as possible. She was also the one that let me grow with it and learn to accept it as part of who I am. But anyway onto my main point

I always thought of her viewing my dressing as a negative thing and I couldn't shift that mind set. Yet today, I have had the sudden thought that I never asked her what the positives of it were.. and i was surprised... why hadn't i thought this sooner?

I am just wondering if that is a common occurrence for anyone else? Do we ask those in the know about what benefits it brings to a relationship or a friendship? or are we just worriers about it and always seeing it as a negative?

Clara x

[Talisker]

There are certainly a lot of worriers here. By that im thinking of people terrified to go outside. OK so you dont want the neighbours to find out so drive somewhere else. Unless at night in shady places where a lone GG never goes...... NOTHING HAPPENS.

As to what good it brings. Some ideas which I think various SOs have mentioned:
- keeps stress levels down.
- keeps life fun and interesting. A boring trip to buy a paper or fill the car up is suddenly more interesting.
- keeps you slim for the sexy dresses
- Lets you see some things from a woman's perspective. Why it takes so long to get ready, why you need so many damned clothes etc. why they get scared late at night.
- Makes you much more useful shopping with the GGs and much better at giving them compliments on the outfits etc.
- Makes you better at handling high stress situations. (will start another thread on that one).
- Makes you better at assessing a room full of people e.g. who's not comfortable or relaxed, whos read you etc. at least for me it helped improved understanding peoples body language and covering up your own.

[Isabella Ross]

Clara, it's a great question. We all seem to think the world sees us in a negative light. Is that accurate? I really think far more women than we realize don't see us negatively, and in fact see our feminine side as a positive trait. I kid you not: my wife likes Bridgette...sometimes, I think, more than the male me.

[kimdl93]

You see the idea that there are positives posted here from time to time. Most of the responses are from our perspective, although I suppose some accepting GGs may be willing to acknowledge some positives. I'll let them speak for themselves.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Okay, I'm hardly the 'accepting' forum GG (I can hear the laughter from here! ) but there are a couple of positives that I now realise were linked to my H's dressing and why I initially talked to him all those years ago before I knew anything.

1) He respects me. Honestly, I couldn't say this of any man before I met my H. I was blessed genetically with looks that made me a target of many, many men. I dated a few and was treated like a trophy by most and utter dirt by at least one. By the time I met my H (still very young but I felt emotionally jaded by this point) I had decided it was easier to be single. And then comes this guy, this gentle, handsome guy who seems almost old-world to what I've experienced. Anyway, he swept me off my feet and taught me I could trust and rely on him implicitly (I can) and NOW I know why. He had an insight into my world that few men have.

2) He has compassion. I mean, perhaps I just dated attractive losers before him or something (he's attractive too!) but in the other men there seemed a general disinterest in how others felt, in the plight of others (I'm fiercely anti animal cruelty so this was a HUGE deal for me) and just a general complacency toward life. Almost like life owed them something and so did I! Of course, I'm sure there are men who don't crossdress who have compassion, but until I met my H, I hadn't met a man who would publicly show this compassion. That was a big deal. I've since noticed other men who will do this, and while I doubt they're all crossdressers, I wouldn't be surprised if at least one rests among them

And sorry the positives weren't 'I prefer a man in heels' or 'he looks better with boobs', but I figure most here are realists and the positives for me were emotional ones, not physical.

[Marcelle]

Hi Clara,

I have never asked my wife the direct questions "What are the positives of me dressing?" She did make a comment once which kind of sums up her take on my dressing "en femme". Before coming out to her, I was a bitter and angry person after years of repression. After a year of exploring Isha with her complete support she remarked one day "I finally got the man I married back and that makes me happy".

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

I asked my (now ex) wife about the positives, if any of my CDing.

Her opinion was that it brought out the traits in me she liked the least. So it was all really negative for her. I'd kind of hoped there would be at least SOME minor thing - something to offset her unhappiness over my gender issues. Something to make her think "hey, maybe we can make this work, or at least try."

But nope. Nada. Zilch. Zip. She hated it. End of story.

@Tinkerbell-GG - I really like the positives you pointed out. I was hoping my wife would say things like that. But really, she wanted to be married to John Wayne.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

@Tinkerbell-GG - I really like the positives you pointed out. I was hoping my wife would say things like that. But really, she wanted to be married to John Wayne.

Paula, I must have dated John Wayne many times over before I swore off men entirely! I actually had a best friend who was bi who I informed needed to help me become a lesbian because I was done, lol. Unfortunately, I'm ridiculously hetero, but I now also like my partners masculinity to be filtered with a large dose of respect and compassion, and it turns out that can mean a man who likes wearing the same outfits as me. Who knew??

This is a nice thread to participate in. It's making me ponder the good stuff for a change

And Isha, isn't it interesting that you became a better man by discovering your inner woman? Maybe this should be compulsory teaching to all those John Wayne losers I dated!!

[Teresa]

Clara,
Your information page doesn't say how old you are or how long you've been dresssing for !
It's taken too many years for the penny to drop and realise that Cding is for life ! So now I'm trying to work on the positives because guilt and shame don't take the feelings away ! The solid wall of DADT is gradually comming down, I don't expect full acceptance but I'm trying to show that I'm a happier person through a little more understanding !

Looks like Tinkerbell got out the right side of the bed this morning ! Talking about positives with CDing !

[Jackie7]

Some more positives
--my wife enjoys having an always-on shopping buddy. We spend more on clothes for her than we do on clothes for me (I make sure of that).
--as Isha notes, she gets a happier guy, and one who is grateful for her support. I show my gratitude by treating her like a princess all the time.
--we both have a lot if fun dressing up and going out together.

[Sometimes Steffi]

And Isha, isn't it interesting that you became a better man by discovering your inner woman? Maybe this should be compulsory teaching to all those John Wayne losers I dated!!

And that was the famous (at least to me) line in the last scene of "Tootsie". Dustin Hoffman (Michael Dorsey / Dorothy "Tootsie" Michaels) says to Julie (played by Jessica Lange), "I was a better man as a woman than I ever was as a man."

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084805/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Julie: I miss Dorothy.

Michael Dorsey: You don't have to. She's right here. And she misses you. Look, you don't know me from Adam. But I was a better man with you, as a woman... than I ever was with a woman, as a man. You know what I mean? I just gotta learn to do it without the dress. At this point, there might be an advantage to my wearing pants. The hard part's over, you know? We were already... good friends.

[JayeLefaye]

Hi Clara,

I can't speak from a GG's perspective, but I can cut and paste from a thread I started the other day in the "Loved One's" forum. It was written by a GG back in 1998, she gave me permission to post it here in case it helped anyone. You can find the whole story in the other forum. I will admit that she is a remarkable woman, but to answer your questions about the positives, here it is from her perspective:

The coming out affected me in a different and rather interesting way. As people came to know of Tom’s transgender, some, I think, viewed me as the saintly spouse, standing by her trans (to adapt from Tammy Wynette), being dutiful, supportive and loving in the face of adversity. When they realized that I was having great fun and finding interest and excitement in the trans world, I became slightly suspect. On the other hand, I have several work colleagues whose only connection to transgender is through Tom and me but who are enthusiastic and inquisitive in conversations with me.

I consider myself lucky to be part of this unfolding story of Tom and others claiming their true selves against the norms of a hostile culture. I also consider myself lucky to be doing it in the 1990s, when the environment is not quite as hostile as it used to be, when there are resources that discuss transgender as a phenomenon but not a disease, when there are groups like XXXX, our local transgender group, that provide safe space and opportunity to dress, talk about the transgender experience and have fun, and when there are beginning to be sympathetic depictions in some media of transgender folk. This is an adventure. Like any adventure, it is not all fun. There is hard work involved as well. But it is exciting to be sharing the adventure with the TG community and with my loving, thoughtful, beautiful, sexy Tom (She looks terrific in purple!)

[UNDERDRESSER]

Yet today, I have had the sudden thought that I never asked her what the positives of it were.. and i was surprised... why hadn't i thought this sooner?

So, did you ask? If you did, (or do so in the future) what are the responses?

Anyway, he swept me off my feet and taught me I could trust and rely on him implicitly (I can) and NOW I know why. He had an insight into my world that few men have.

2) He has compassion. I mean, perhaps I just dated attractive losers before him or something (he's attractive too!) but in the other men there seemed a general disinterest in how others felt, in the plight of others

I think this is the other way round. "Manly men" are caught up in the image of masculinity, they aren't secure in it, they are terrified of being seen as something "less"

As if being a female, or in any way feminine is something bad, or weak.

Okay, I'm hardly the 'accepting' forum GG (I can hear the laughter from here! )
........

And sorry the positives weren't 'I prefer a man in heels' or 'he looks better with boobs', but I figure most here are realists and the positives for me were emotional ones, not physical.

You're fine Tinkerbell! Your BF should be happy with your attitude. Just curious, what would you think of a guy that just liked skirts, and had some softer edges?

[MatildaJ.]

I am interested in gender issues & alternative sexualities. So insofar as his interest in CDing makes my husband more interested in talking about these issues, that's a positive for me. But he's still not very interested in the theory. Nor is he interested in gender-bending when dressed femme, though he is more willing to explore gender-bending when dressed as a male than he used to be, and that's cool.

I don't feel the respect and compassion he shows the world has changed since he has been exploring this side of him. And I refuse to say that all men who have a softer, compassionate side have gender issues. That's just playing up the stereotypes. When I'm awkward or abrasive, that's not my male side showing itself, that's just me.

I don't see him as happier than he used to be. But when the dressing takes the place of drinking in his life, I see that as a good thing.

His interests did lead me here, and my life has been enriched by the conversations here. So that's another positive.

[JessicaJHall]

"I think this is the other way round. "Manly men" are caught up in the image of masculinity, they aren't secure in it, they are terrified of being seen as something "less" As if being a female, or in any way feminine is something bad, or weak."

^This.
And Tinkerbell, no need to apologize, I think many of us are aware that the female perspective is usually more emotional than physical, and for some of us CDing and interacting with others here can give us a glimpse of that way of seeing things for ourselves, and it's really freeing, and beautiful, and to my surprise, It helps (me anyway) feel more connected with humanity, whereas the male "John Wayne" thing (I can do that too..) creates an "us vs. everything" rugged individualist type perspective. Which is not with out merits of it's own mind you.
But I think some men are somewhat aroused by their manly appearance and persona, and adore themselves as men, and consider themselves gods gift to women. These guys fake women out (temporarily, as in your experience) because they exude confidence and present a very masculine persona and appearance, but for a different reason that one might think. They are easy to spot, they are always checking themselves out in mirrors and windows.
I am the opposite, and do not find "maleness" exciting or attractive in any way.
Sometimes I think crossing the gender lines is a way to access our whole selves as humans and not just stereotypical caricatures.
...Or not, in spite of all our collective back patting, we humans really don't know that much about anything at all, especially us.

[suchacutie]

Since my wife and I found Tina together, everything has been a shared effort to understand where Tina came from, who she is, and what effects the knowledge of her might have in the future. The very first effect Tina had was to generate hours and hours of conversation of what it is like to grow up as a girl or as a boy, followed by what Tina needed to know to present a successful presentation both for others and for her!

We talked about everything! We thought we knew each other after 33 years of marriage, but these conversations brought out personal feelings we both hadn't thought about in years. Those shared feelings certainly helped Tina to grow, but the husband/wife joint understandings just exploded in size and connection. My wife knew that I was interested in her before, but now she is completely convinced that there is nothing about her that is off the table, visa versa. It's really fabulous!

One very small but delightful point: Since Tina has arrived, my wife has never been late for anything in my eyes. I now know exactly how long it will take her to get ready so my expectations have completely changed! There are hundreds of little issues like that which have really changed our lives!

[Sarah Smith]

Clara,
Your information page doesn't say how old you are or how long you've been dresssing for !

Well I am in my mid twenties and have been dressing properly for a few years but on and off with purges for about 8.

This is a nice thread to participate in. It's making me ponder the good stuff for a change

I am glad that you like it, I am so thankful for your responses (that goes for everyone)

So, did you ask? If you did, (or do so in the future) what are the responses?

I will ask her soon and get back to you


I am building up to telling my new SO, who seems to be very accepting of it all - so just wanting to remind myself that it isn't all doom and gloom

Thanks!

Clara xx

[KittyD]

My partner tells me that when I'm dressed or Kate that it makes her happy, that a funny girlfriend has come round to see her
She's very positives about it tbh But I think its what you put into it and how you push that positive back out to others...
The benfits work always - its all good Be nice - play nice have fun

KD

[Beverley Sims]

think we always think about the negative aspects of dressing before we look at positives.
Positive for me is relaxed and being at peace with myself.

[prene]

I have lost my last 3 gf's? because of my cding.

I usually tell them when we get more serious.

All my ex-gf's say they wanted a more masculine guy and I think were afraid I was gay or bi?

I thought I was more caring/understanding and loved to shop with them.

Guess it was not enough.

[Katey888]

Clara - this is a very positive perspective to take - and it is good to see that there are some positive sides to this even though they rarely seem to outweigh the negative, but I wish you luck with your quest!

Reading some of the other responses here I can feel some real empathy with them, particularly regarding the role expectations that society imposes upon us. It seems staggering that even today, those roles continue to be imprinted in our children and grandchildren... Can't help but think that a 'better' society would show a little more flexibility and acceptance of some lifestyles...

It will be interesting to hear your results, Clara - do let us know...

Katey x

[Claire Cook]

Clara,

Your thread has come close to home for me. When I first told my wife (YEARS ago...) about my CD'ing, all I (and she) could think of were negatives ... my guilt, what she would think of me as a man, her worries about what might happen to me should I go out in the cold. cruel public world, etc. etc.. Over the years this has changed. Tinkerbell's comments are very germane to our situation. Sue has come to love my softer side -- not in any sexual sense, but the fact that I'm more considerate, compassionate and less an alpha male type -- I think I listen more, talk more, and appreciate more things that she thinks about. There are still times when I get too much into a John Wayne sort of thing and she asks "How would Claire react in this situation?"

And oh yes I'm more particular about my clothes, and help her more with hers, care more about how the house looks, love to putter more in the garden .....

[Jenniferathome]

...Do we ask those in the know about what benefits it brings to a relationship or a friendship? or are we just worriers about it and always seeing it as a negative?

Clara x

Clara, I suspect that the vast majority of women see no upside or benefit in having a cross dressing husband. It is inconvenient, potentially embarrassing for them, and forces them to keep a secret not of their own making. Those women who are accepting, like my wife, realize it is part of us and see it as a neutral thing. There is no question in my mmd that my wife would prefer I was not a cross dresser but she loves me no less because of it. Benefits? No.