Late transitioners

[Jorja]

First off Lea my dear, there was no hidden agenda, no malice, no contempt, no anything in my question. I know how I felt. I know how the drive to transition consumed me every breathing moment. I could not do anything or go anywhere without this damn need surfacing every time I even moved. I tried with all of my might to find distractions. I tried to bury it. I tried to over compensate and do manly things. I tried marriage and kids but that didn’t work out!

All I wanted to try to figure out by my question is, what is/was the difference between me and so many of you? Why did I need to transition at 22 and so many of you are well into your 40s 50s and 60s even your 70s yet most of you report having the need in your 20s or earlier too.

[LeaP]

I assumed no malice and no hidden intent. No reason whatsoever to do so with you, Jorga. In fact, it is a terrific question and nicely asked.

[Lisa O]

Interesting question. Thinking about it, I think that until I was about 38, I just didn't know that you could. Apart from drag performers in Sydney (some of whom it turns out are/were transsexual - so long ago many have died!!!), there weren't any people out in the open. I am talking about country New Zealand in the 60s and 70s.

I was raised to conform in my family. 4 older siblings who almost always tried to control me. Then boys boarding schools for 6 years. Talk about a repressed upbringing! One book I had said that transsexuals were mentally ill so I wasn't going to own up to that! All this was well before the internet in a rural part of New Zealand - not exactly at the forefront of gender expression.

Marriage, kids etc might have been used as excuses for not doing something but really they just impacted timing, not acknowledgement. Once I was aware of what needed to be done, pragmatism took over but not without extracting a price - I suffered for a few years. In this, I waited way too long.

[Dianne S]

Bobbi, thank you for your inspiring post. At 47, I was afraid I had missed my chance, but I see you're never too old to be true to yourself.

[Heather25]

Maybe it is a bunch of BS, but I believe part of my problem with regards to recognizing and beginning to accept this in myself is that my nature is to be a but of a conformist. You know, I'm a good person and a good person follows steps a-m and as a result is successful and has a good life. I knew I had this in me but I was a good person and therefore I wasn't going to accept this in myself. You can blame it on societal influence and associated shame. You can blame it on fear, I wanted a happy life and being a successful male was the path to a happy life as far as society is concerned.

I believe some people are more individualistic and some are more conformists. The individualistic individual I believe has an easier time disregarding societal pressures while for the conformist those pressures carry far more weight over their choices.

At least, that's sort of how I view it right now...

[Kathryn Martin]

As I said in the last go around on this question, the problem is that this is something where individual biography plays a significant role. Intensity of feelings about yourself and acting by way of transition to overcome the disconnect between your brain and your body are not necessarily a seamless cause and effect. Biographical events and issues as well as medical biography will invariably impact the progression from those feelings to transition completion. For some of us it is more a matter of surviving to transition and be whole.

I have always done everything ass backwards. I was born that way. For me there was never a question of who I was really and what I suffered was mostly the dissociation between my brain and my body, between who I was and my bodies incapacity to express who I was. The times I have been called a girl, effeminate, not a real man, a woman before I transition far outweighed the times I was called a man.

[JohnH]

Let's make it succinct - maybe there is the mid-life crisis when you really get sick and tired of doing things the same old way and it's time for a change!

I find finally my body matches my mind, and I really want to live my life to the fullest instead of wishing I was dead.

Johanna Anna

[Angela Campbell]

I don't think it has anything to do with any"mid life crisis".

[VanTG]

Totally and 100% agreed with this

I assumed no malice and no hidden intent. No reason whatsoever to do so with you, Jorga. In fact, it is a terrific question and nicely asked.

[LeaP]

Let's make it succinct - maybe there is the mid-life crisis when you really get sick and tired of doing things the same old way and it's time for a change!

The implications of mid-life crises are desperately trying to recapture youth, a breakaway from responsibility, abandoning restraint and judgement, and tilting at windmills.

A TS discovery crisis is about as far from a mid-life crisis that I can imagine.

[KellyJameson]

It seems like most who transition late in life were or are married. I tried to use relationships as a proxy to replace my identity. It is a type of second hand living through another. Similar to crossdressing for relief.

For me it did not work early on but I could see how for some this may bring relief until later in life when that sense of living falsely finally becomes to much to ignore.

My sexuality was never defined but for those who clearly wanted to be sexual with women and have a family this combined with living through their wives for gender identity could work, albeit temporarily.

Once the kids are grown and the sex wanes the gender dysphoria would raise its ugly head again.

[PaulaQ]

@Kelly - my sex life was fine. I don't think that had anything to do with it.

I can remember two thoughts that really started to crack through my denial.

1. I lost a huge amount of money in the crash of '08-'09. I felt my life had failed.

2. When my kids were old enough to be on their own, after I'd helped them through school, I had the thought that I could die at that moment, and my family would continue on ok.

I felt useless, purposeless, and finished. There seemed to be no point to my life.

Shortly after that, my gender issues kicked back into gear.

[mbmeen12]

I understand all the different feelings expressed. For me, wearing my sisters and mothers things when I was young was about getting aroused

Then with my wife "hey hun how about wearing this during play time?" One thing led to another and Kara emerged. I have a great councilor(transgender advocate in our community) and when I spilled the beans of my life events, she confirmed my GID and I qualify for the letter etc. I have been a member of this site 2012 and learn everyday I am not alone at 51+.

[Jaclyn]

Here is my theory as to why I secretly dressed when I was young, then stopped, and now dress all the time. Testosterone levels. I think it played a big part in being able to suppress my desire to be a women. I couldn't control it before puberty and I can't now that I'm 50 and believe me I try. As much as I love dressing up and there is a side of me that's tries to make me stop. Thankfully he doesn't stand a chance against her.

Jackie

[sarahcsc]

Jorja raised a great question in another thread. There are many late transitioners here which begs the question, why? Why did it take you so long?

Why not? hehe.

[Emma Beth]

To start I would love to thank Marleena for starting this thread and making me think deeper about some things that I had thought about before.

I would also love to thank Jorja for the same thing by stating her thoughts in another thread.

Now, I could go into detail and talk about my story and parallel bits and pieces of everyone else's stories. But I'm not going to do that simply because I had a thought that I think might strike a cord of understanding.

First of all; I can empirically say that in my case, ignorance of what was really going on inside myself allowed me to suppress and follow the expectations of others around me with regards to how I lived my life.

The Internet did play a key role in helping me understand what I was feeling and come to terms and realize that I need to seek my true path.

I can look back at my life as I am now and see the sign posts that point to where I am going and I can't help but wonder something.

Jorja, I wonder and pose this thought; I think that people sometimes forget that how they see the past from where they are now is quite different from how they experience the present as it happened in the past.

I think that when one looks back they can't help but to look at their past through the looking glass of the present and forget that they sometimes need to look at the past through the frame of the past with the help of the looking glass of the present.

I hope this make some kind of sense for everyone else, because it makes perfect sense to me right now, LOL.


Liz

[Rogina B]

It seems like most who transition late in life were or are married. I tried to use relationships as a proxy to replace my identity. It is a type of second hand living through another. Similar to crossdressing for relief.

For me it did not work early on but I could see how for some this may bring relief until later in life when that sense of living falsely finally becomes to much to ignore.

My sexuality was never defined but for those who clearly wanted to be sexual with women and have a family this combined with living through their wives for gender identity could work, albeit temporarily.

I think this is all very true and at the same time makes it appear to those around you that you are a "normal"male,satisfied in your life. In fact,most of us were just the opposite.I had constant internal turmoil combined with enormous pressure to remain on top in my business[commercial fishing]...I suppressed my internal struggles with an outwardly appearing life of a "deadliest catch" sort of guy...Until a life changing event caused me to blow a gasket..

[Donna Joanne]

My story is a matter of global public record. I knew I was meant to be a girl from a very early age, got mixed up with a group that persuaded me that Gender was a matter of choice, Was unable to marry the woman I loved when I was in my twenties as I knew I could not play the role of a husband but tried everything to sublimate the knowledge that I was living a lie. Told myself that I could never transition and later told myself that in any case I would be a lonely, ugly, woman and that no-one wants to know someone like that. Got to a certain point in my life where my depression was such that I had to choose to act or kill myself. Began transition at the ripe young age of 54.

I have occasionally wished that I had had the strength and the financial resources to transition when I was younger, but such regrets serve no useful purpose.

You have for the most part described my journey "spot on" as well Rianna! And if you count when I first began to seek knowledge and professional intervention about my Gender Dysphoria, my transition actually began 38 years ago, but only began HRT this year at 54 as well.

So does that make me a late transitioner or a long term transitioner? I'll let y'all be the judge of that.

I also agree with the futility of the "woulda-coulda-shoulda" discussions. While we should never forget where we have been, let us never lose focus on where we are going! Godspeed and good wishes to all my fellow sisters and brothers on this journey!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I always say "events conspire" for us..

For me it was a combination of my wife dumping me and my boss of 20 years retiring and having to compete for my job... the crazy thing is that I was clearly winning and was going to get a promotion that would have made me responsible for a huge part of our company's financial business...all that did was make me feel trapped in my life worse than ever!!!!! that's when my roller coaster started...

[Pink Person]

Physicists have persuaded me that I have already transitioned in a parallel universe and am FAB in another one, so I don't need to do anything here. It’s a relief since I am somewhat of a TG naturalist and prefer letting nature have her way with me without much interference.

I will observe that transitioning isn’t a contest. No one gets a prize for crossing the finish line first.

[Marleena]

Why not? hehe.

Sarah you're being a bad girl! lol.

[Kimberly Kael]

The implications of mid-life crises are desperately trying to recapture youth, a breakaway from responsibility, abandoning restraint and judgement, and tilting at windmills.

A TS discovery crisis is about as far from a mid-life crisis that I can imagine.

Really? Everything you've described is either commonly expressed or essential to transition. How often have you heard transsexuals lament not transitioning earlier? Or missing having the experience of growing up perceived as a girl? How much of the struggle of transition has to do with reconciling responsibilities, financial and emotional? Isn't the conventional wisdom that transition is worth avoiding of anyone who can, suggesting that restraint and judgement would tell us not to? And what would you consider "tilting at windmills" if not trying to convince an entire society that their long held definition of sex and gender is simply wrong? Even other aspects of a mid-life crisis, like splurging on something expensive you've always wanted seem to apply.

In practice, I suspect the mid-life crisis really is a matter of looking back on one's life, finding it wanting, and deciding not to live with regrets. Some people deal with it more positively and gracefully than others, but it does bear a lot of similar hallmarks even though the typical mid-life crisis isn't about anything nearly as fundamental.

There seems to have been a progression of common times in life to transition: at one point the most common story was at retirement when financial stability has been achieved and the burden of responsibility diminishes somewhat, then there seemed to be a surge around 40 when most of our careers have peaked and we're taking stock of our lives, and now there are getting to be more and more around 20 when they're establishing their independence. Hopefully that trend continues down to puberty and earlier, which we're certainly seeing with some of the more enlightened parents of trans kids. Not everyone fits one of these stories, of course, but I've heard each of them over and over.

[LeaP]

Yes, really. Totally.

Doing something later in life that you should've done when you were younger is not recapturing your youth. Frustrated middle-age men try to go back in time, acting as if they were younger than they are. It is not the same thing.

One of the major differences in my life at this point is how much reality and responsibility play out. Responsibility is something I have avoided throughout my life. There is no way, in no sense that I am avoiding responsibility with transition! Quite the opposite!

It is similar with judgment and restraint. I am exercising judgment – carefully and realistically assessing my needs, feelings, options, and circumstances, making informed decisions based in reality. My life prior to this point was reactive, ceding decisions to others. (And then complaining, I might add…)

Tilting at windmills, of course, is a metaphor for doing that for which you are not suited. To be unrealistic. Surely if there is one thing that should guide a transition, it is that you are doing something for which you are eminently well-suited.

[Michelle789]

First, I'm not sure if I quality as a late transitioner. I probably qualify as neither late nor early transitioner, but rather a mid-transitioner, as I am 34 and beginning transition.

I feel like no matter how long we wait or not, we could have always transitioned younger. Someone who is 74 wishes they transitioned at 54. Someone who is 54 wishes they transitioned at 34. Someone who is 34 wishes they transitioned at 24. Someone who is 24 wishes they transitioned at 14.

No matter what age we transitioned, there were reasons we didn't transitions sooner.

I feel like because of the internet and increasing trans acceptance and trans legal protections, we're experiencing the "transition boom" right now, and people of all ages are identify as trans are transitioning in the recent years.

Why I didn't transition when I was 14?

When I was in high school, I never heard the word transgender, knew nothing about trans people, and no idea that transition was even an option back then. I had these feelings that I was really a girl on the inside, I hated my body hair, I hated my facial hair, and when I saw an attractive woman rather than wanting to sleep with her, I wished I could be her. I also felt like my body was the most repulsive thing in the world and was being poisoned, but not sure by what. I also felt like if I say anything, that everyone will think I'm crazy and no one will take me seriously. So I blindly accepted myself as a man, since my body said I was male and so did society. On top of that, my parents sent me to a born again Christian high school, in spite of the fact that they seriously oppose religion of all sorts, and my father is an agnostic.

Even more ironic is that I now am a regular churchgoer, although the church I belong to is a very liberal church accepting of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender people, and they preach love not doctrine. No one is going to hell. It's called Metropolitan Community Church.

Oh, and I felt like I had no choice but to please my family and make them happy. Hey, I wanted to be the good kid. My father scared me about ever getting into any kind of trouble, and I certainly felt that even telling my parents about my gender issues would have lead to MAJOR trouble.

My parents raised us to believe that if we do anything wrong, and that includes being gay or trans, that we will end up in the gutter. It wasn't an issue of the soul, salvation, karma, or bringing positive energy to the table. They're concern was ending up on the streets, and that doing just about anything that goes against them would inevitably lead to that. Even if they don't do the job, which they probably won't, someone else will finish the job of putting us on the streets for us. My parents were terrified of that, and so was I, so I learned to repress everything about myself. Gender related, and everything that was not gender related as well, out of fear of something terrible happening as a consequence.


Why I didn't transition when I was 24?

By the time I was 24, in fact at age of 22, I first learned about transition. I really knew that I wanted to transitioned and wished I could have the opportunity to do so back then. However, I felt like transition wasn't in the cards. I was in grad school. I had very little work experience. I was financially dependent on my parents. My parents, who oppose religion, actually oppose everything. My father became convinced that I was a gay man in the closet, and told me and my brother that if I actually am gay that he would be crushed, and would totally disown me.

There were no trans anti-discrimination laws back then, not even in California. I was stuck living in a bad neighborhood in south central L.A. and even venturing outside of the house as a woman (or a dude in a dress if I get clocked) could mean instant physical assault or death in that neighborhood. My parents were friends with the landlord, so if I ventured outside of the house as a woman I would risk getting caught by my landlord and having him tell my parents.

Transition is incredibly expensive, and I didn't have the financial resources to do so. I thought that transition meant that I had to go all the way, and that I could not even dare present as a woman until I was on hormones for at least a year and went through a year of electrolysis. I was myself very ignorant in spite of the information that was available back then, and the early 2000's was the very beginning of information being available on the internet. There was just no way I could ever dish out $100,000 to complete transition.

I was in the middle of my heavy drinking days, and I was completely numbed out to my gender issues. I just liked to cross-dress in private sometimes. It was "just a kink" to me back then.

Today is a very different world. People are more accepting of trans people, especially in California. We have anti-discrimination laws in many states including California. I am 7 years sober and have reached a point where I wanted to end my life in 2012-2013 and be reincarnated as a woman in my next life, and for all lifetimes thereafter. I learned that there is no right or wrong way to transition. I learned that I could present as a woman in public before even starting on hormones. I have friends who went full-time before starting hormones. I actually worked my way up to living 165 before I started hormones. Laser hair removal is an option for me. I do not have to get SRS, and if I decide that I need SRS, there is a possibility that insurance might cover it for me in California.

So I guess the circumstances, combined with me accepting my own reality, are what finally drove me to transition at the age of 34, in an age group that according to Blanchard no one really transitions at this age.

My parents, again

They have come a long way on gay rights, and I'm not convinced they would disown me when I come out to them in November, but I could see them trying to talk me out of transition, and be worried about my safety as a woman, financial future as trans, and the physical side effects of estrogen, hair removal, and surgeries. But I really won't know how they're going to react until I come out to them.

[KaceyR]

I'll throw my own situation here..even though I'm only just starting this path for me (getting my letter Monday).

As it turns out.. I've had pretty much my entire life from youth on affected by GD.
I didn't really realize that's what it was.. I just had issues that to a gender psych might have recognized but likely not for the time. The last couple of decades of...I wanna say "gender tech"... have brought a lot of great strides in this recognition and more therapists that can tell it. If my young self had access to today's therapists..possibly things would've been started earlier. But no psych work was ever done-we were never a strong family financially and outright poor at times. So...I just lived with my GD-sourced issues.
Left home, and while over the decades things increased, because one of my own effects is a heavy social anxiety, and depression, I just sat around home just "existing". That's about it. While I'm now 49, this condition had led me to seclude myself, not date, and not really be social..so in my case, there's been no wife or GF in my life to affect any transition decisions. But to be honest... I can honestly say the transgender condition was totally off my radar altogether. Fully unknown of by me. And I just stayed complacent with my life suffering it out as if that's the only way I'll be, no fix and such. Until it really woke up last year..and finding what was missing which was the biggie which triggered my investigation, and then to finally go see a therapist. And now things will be starting soon.

So my case it was really not realizing my GD or the severity of it being realized to be big enough in order to finally get me into that therapists office..(or possibly the depression side keeping me from really taking any sort of action). Otherwise I possibly would have started things sooner. (Sure wish I'd figure this before my male pattern baldness kicked in ) Others may "tough it out" due to involvement with family,wife,etc.. But mine was pure inactivity to investigate my issues in my life. Yeah there's regrets now for so much wasted time. But that's water under the bridge. At least I'm starting things now before I'm trying to jump off that bridge into the water.

On the plus side..this is probably a more of a right time to do it due to support within my workplace, and the potential to have a lot of this stuff insurance helped. A few years back, maybe it wouldn't have been as good.

Anyways, that's -my- excuses for a late transition.