Hi all,
I wanted to share what has recently happened in my life. However in true Isha fashion there is a background story that needs telling first .
As some know here, I have been completely open about my TG in my personal/private life (family knows, friends know) and because my personal life is so intertwined with my work life (many of my friends are work colleagues) there has been cross over into the work place. In addition, given certain aspects of my job there were those in my direct chain of command who needed to know about my TG. Now I was not naïve enough to believe it would never get out en masse so I was prepared for that day and it finally came so I felt I owed it to the Command Team to hear it from me, not through the rumour mill as I respected them far too much not to do so. So I came out to what would be the civilian equivalent of the CEO of a company and the board of directors. Some knew already and there was a bit of shock and awe but for the most part there was total support . . . it was truly cathartic for me to share this. Now I am going through the process of talking to others so they hear it from me. This does not mean Isha will be going to work any time soon as my work is the domain of "boy me" not "girl me" and will remain so through personal choice. It is just nice that people know so I don't have to wonder who is going to hear something and start a rumour.
Now added to the background story, when I first started coming out to friends I came out to my oldest and dearest friend, we were more like brothers than friends. When I told him, he freaked and cut off all contact . . . in effect he told me "I was dead to him" . I cannot tell you how much that hurt and while I tried to make contact with him through his wife (another dear friend) he refused. A while back he indicated he might be willing to meet but nothing ever became of that. So as much as it hurt I let it go and went through the grieving process of loosing a good friend. That was six months ago.
So yesterday I was taking an Isha day and just finished dressing when the phone rang and to my surprise it was him. The conversation went something along the lines of "I just heard what you did." . . . silence . . . "Let's meet." I was a bit stunned and after an awkward pause I said "I am dressed today so if you want put this off to another day that is fine" . . . more silence . . . "No, let's meet today." So we agreed to meet at the Starbucks where we used to share coffee and confidences as guys. I have to admit I have been in this Starbucks plenty of times "en femme" with no trepidation but as I approached that door my heart was in my throat and I could feel my pulse quickening. I did not know what to expect. Would it be friendly? Would it be confrontational? Would he even be there? I was going to wear a maxi dress that day but purposely dressed down in yoga pants and a top as the dress might have been a bit disconcerting. When I entered he picked me out immediately and I search his face for any inkling of what he might be thinking but there was nothing. I went and got a coffee and then sat. He stared at me for a few moments and then said one thing "Help me understand why you need to do this" I have to admit I was a bit thrown by the question as I had run multiple scenarios over in my mind on what to say to a whole host of questions but having someone ask me to make him understand when I have a hard time doing so was daunting. I tried all the standard academic approaches and nothing resonated then I hit on an analogy I had used once in response to another post. So I told him:
Consider your core identity (what makes you who you are) as a music hall. The orchestra is compose of all the various identities you take on in your life "husband", "father", "brother", "sporty guy", "military guy" etc. etc. (they are all different for each of us). Now in a perfect world those identities would work together in sync to weave a tapestry of music and sound that would resonate harmoniously. They do this because nothing is missing. In my case while my identities all tried to work together, you might say the string section was missing and the only music they could play was chaotic, loud and out of sync. Along came this part of my identity, the lone "girl string section" and her simple and melodious sound slowly brought order to chaos and the tapestry of music returned to harmonious balance.
I qualified this analogy with stating that while I spent 32 years suppressing this part of me, my life slowly disintegrated. It did not happen over night but took time as I was able to keep things together by throwing myself into my work. However over time my private life and eventually my work life suffered and then it imploded . . . a symphony of chaos with no harmony (like an orchestra warming up) loud pointless noise running in all directions. At that point my emotional control ceased to exist and I entered a very dark place. Out of that darkness came a lone simple sound . . . the one piece of my identity I had refused access to the world. I held on to that sound, embraced it and integrated it into my core identity and then one day chaos ceased and harmony reigned. I was truly happy, my life was good, my relationship with my wife was stronger than ever. I had reached a place of coexistence and I could never go back to the dark chaos of before or I would truly cease to exist.
It took him a minute to digest everything . . . the silence was deafening. Then he smiled and said "You always did have a grandiose way of explaining things why should this be any different" . I laughed, he laughed and then we just talked and talked and talked. Now I am not saying all is good but the first steps have been taken so I am hoping that I will soon have my good friend back in my life.
Hugs
Isha