Well, I had a good run... :cry:

[Eringirl]

Good morning ladies (or evening for my friends down under!)

First, apologies as I have not been around here for the past 5 days or so, as I was not in a frame of mind to positively contribute. I also needed some time to gather my own thoughts so that I could at least attempt to post something articulate. I will try not to whine or ramble on....

So here's the deal. My wife totally blew me up last Saturday. Moved out of our bedroom stating that if I was going to wear women's underwear, she was not going to share our bed. Also told me that if dressing as a woman made me calm, relaxed and happy, that I would have to leave. When I asked her if she enjoyed the "happy" me versus the "tired and grumpy me" she said it was great, just do it without wearing women's clothes, or make up, or shaving my legs etc...you get the idea. She doesn't understand how simply wearing women's clothing etc can make that happen. "Just do it" (apologies to Nike...) without the clothes etc. How hard can that be?

She supports me continuing to see a therapist, but when I asked if she would like to go, the message I got back was Nope, I am fine, I'm not the one broken. Fix it. This from someone wearing men's football T-shirts and jeans, spending Sunday afternoons and evenings watching NFL... Meow...Sorry...

So needless to say, I was a mess, and still am a bit. Felt/feel like a failure as a man, as a woman, felt like I let everyone here down, it was nasty, nasty nasty. I don't think I have ever played so much Carol King in my life...just about wore out the enamel on the piano keys! (But I digress...).

So, from minor acceptance to complete disapproval. Subject is closed. She is now happy as a lark, chatty and smiling all the time. I know that as Erin and I much more "girlie" than her...She rarely wears make up, I wear more jewellery as a male than she does, her hair is as short or shorter than mine as a male, and the last time she wore a dress was probably 2 years ago, to a friends wedding. Always pants. And more Cotton than the state of Georgia. As Erin I have more silky clothes than her, and I am in much better shape. My guess is that maybe she felt threatened as a female and chose "fight" over "flight"?

So there you have it. I am trying to get into see my therapist, but the earliest time is next week.

I am hoping to get back to my "A game" so that I can get back to contributing here, but bear with me as I recover for this "full on frontal assault".

Erin

[Roberta Young]

Erin, Remember You have friends here that listen and care for You and Your problems. Hang tough, give it time, take care of Yourself. Hugs Roberta

[Jenniferathome]

So Erin, what happened? Something "happened" to cause her to gt pissed off. Be objective. Did you cross a boundary? You need to look from the outside and really critique the relationship.

Without knowing the breaking point you can't address this. Certainly the "fix it" request is misinformed. Dig deep. Find the source. Good luck

[Tina B.]

Wish I had more to offer than, sorry to hear she is taking it so hard, hope it gets better for you and that she will realize, in this case, it is the clothes that makes the man. I know without dressing, I'm not a person I even like.

[Annaliese]

You can't fix what not broke, the therapist will or should help you understand this side of you, that is why your wife must go with, you so she can learn that there is nothing wrong with you, she might find out something about her self, and that is the problem. You can't stop being you, before I started to be more me not just at home, but at work, there was time I was just mean. My boss has noticed everyone has notice. No one should have to be who their not.

[mechamoose]

I'm sorry, hon.

Keep in mind that you and she are approaching this from two *entirely* different perspectives.

YOU are trying to claim/adjust to part of your personality.

SHE is seeing that somehow you are changing, and doesn't like the change.

As much pain and flack is it may cause to stick to your guns and be YOU, pretending NOT to be you will end up costing more.

<3

- MM

[Bria]

Erin, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife as you try to work though this.

Hugs, Bria

[Di]

I hope your wife will go to your therapist with you.
Maybe join here to talk to other GGs and understand this is not a choice. But a part of you.


BUT this part of your post kinda worrys me.

I know that as Erin and I much more "girlie" than her...She rarely wears make up, I wear more jewellery as a male than she does, her hair is as short or shorter than mine as a male, and the last time she wore a dress was probably 2 years ago, to a friends wedding. Always pants. And more Cotton than the state of Georgia. As Erin I have more silky clothes than her, and I am in much better shape. My guess is that maybe she felt threatened as a female and chose "fight"

I would hope you support and love your wife just the way she is....... just like you want to be loved and supported for yourself.
I worry from your words maybe you made her feel made her feel less than... since you think you are more girlie than your wife.? Just you saying that is unreal....just wow.

[Katey888]

Poor Erin...

I think MM's observation earlier is a good one... it does sound that your wife wants to or does think that this is some sort of optional pastime for you and not a fundamental part of your persona. I don't think you'd be well advised to go challenging any of her views right now as she seems to be sending 'trench warfare' signals to me... I can't imagine how hard it must be for you but you mustn't think or feel that you're a failure over this - it isn't about failure, it's just about a part - a very key part - of who you are.

I think deep breaths and a period of stability are called for... let this settle down for a good period of time (weeks...) until the present emotion has run out - then take stock and see how she feels. I think you also have to be prepared that this might well be her last stand position, or very close to her ultimatum.... that's people, I'm afraid...

And as always: Keep Calm & Carry On...

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

Your friends are here for you Erin, regardless of presentation and that is the bottom line.

[Tina_gm]

Take a breath, a pause, and just slow everything down. While there may or may not have been a line or boundary that was actually crossed, I wonder if sometimes if we continually ride that line, that can become an issue. At times I think our wives need us to be the man they married voluntarily, without feeling like they are pressuring us to be the man they married.

I would let the dust settle, and then try to talk to her and see where it is or what it is that is bothering her the most. One thing that definitely stands out is the underwear, as she mentioned it. While trivial to many of us, not something which is seen, the fact that you are wearing women's underwear on a regular basis I am assuming means a lot to her. Just because some wives are ok with it doesn't mean all will or should be. To some, while not necessarily a boundary, it signifies to them perhaps a way of CDing 24/7. Not saying you should give it up entirely (womens underwear) but it sounds like that is something that needs discussion. Is women's underwear truly that important to you? is it worth the marriage? It may be trivial to us, to many, but just as we are all unique and different, so are our GG S/O's and some will have a comfort for things that others won't, and it may not always be uniform. My wife does not mind me being shaved.... Doesn't mind the feel of my shaved legs. Doesn't want to see me dressed. Does that make any sense? Not to me, but I don't put one on the other, or even try to make sense of it. If she was ok with dressing in front of her but not ok with shaving, I would dress in her presence and stop shaving. Maybe the current boundaries or the way you guys are approaching CDing needs to change a bit. That's ok too.

[Wildaboutheels]

As with a great many Relationship "issues" posted at this Forum, if not most, the "answer" is pretty clear and obvious and can be found amongst YOUR postings. In your case I did not even need to look beyond your very first one. Sounds like your wife has simply thrown in the towel.

For good reason?

[mechamoose]

Katey:

I thought it was

And as always: Keep Calm & Carry A Matching Purse...

}:P

(I feel bratty today.. [sort of] sorry)

- MM

[hope springs]

Anyway, Erin.. Sounds like you have been served an ultimatum. Only you can decide if living without your other self is worth your marriage. I dont know which i would choose if my wife forced me to stop. But people change, and sometimes spouses cant handle your new identity. Im spiteful, so if delivered that choice in such an abrupt manner, id pack my bags. But please try to get her to talk. There has to be some underlying issues for her to lay down the law. Good luck, big hugs

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug

I'm really sorry Erin! I can only imagine how badly you feel right now. Do you know how you're going to proceed from here? I'm going to suggest you immediately consult with an attorney. If she moved out of your room, if she's emotionally done, things could be moving ahead much quicker than you know. I'm not suggesting you put any wheels in motion just don't be caught unprepared.

If you need an ear feel free to pm me. Imot super bright but I'm a good listener. You will be in my thoughts. I will be watching for updates. I'm hoping for the best.

Hug
Rita

[Jennifer-GWN]

I know I'm new here but know that you have a local shoulder if you need it. Life if full of ups and downs. They are often out of our direct control. Just have had roll with the punches often they work themselves out.

cheers...
Jennifer

[samantha rogers]

Hey, Erin, Im sorry, really sorry for what you are going through. I know there really isnt much anyone can say or do to help, since only you really know your wife. But, no therapist or counselor can fix you, since there is nothing wrong. The only thing that I know of that a therapist can do is help you learn to be comfortable and happy living your life on your terms with who you are. A good counselor can help a couple work throught issues but if she has rejected that then you are on your own. My wife was the same, refusing to see the value in counseling that way. But with a lot of work, for now, we are coping. Still, everyone is different. Maybe your wife will change, but maybe not. I hope she does, and I hope you can help her to adapt and understand. Regardless, you are in my thoughts. None of this is easy, but you are not alone, honey. All the best.
Hugs

[Rhonda Jean]

Sounds all too familiar, Erin. Hope however it plays out that you're in a better place. I never got an ultimatum. I just got a divorce. I would have done anything to prevent that, including giving it all up. I was WAY out there. Looking back I can see that I made a lot of mistakes and pushed too far. I looks quite different from 7 years down the road. Hope y'all work it out.

[JamieG]

Erin, know that we are here to support you. My wife and I have had some nasty spats over the CDing, so I have some sense of what you are feeling now. However, I have to agree with Di:

I would hope you support and love your wife just the way she is....... just like you want to be loved and supported for yourself.
You might do that...but DID your comments or actions made her feel less than?

Maybe your comments are just retaliation against what you see as her rejection of you, but if you truly feel the way, that could be part of the problem. Try to see things from your wife's perspective, and when things have settled down a bit, open up a conversation. Perhaps you entered the Pink Fog, or did you somehow hint that you didn't think she was feminine enough? Are you being a good husband otherwise? I suggest you try to find if there's a way for you to CD without putting it in her face.

[CherylFlint]

Wow! Your wife ought to have a long talk with my wife. Maybe she'll learn the facts of life.
Way, way overboard. Look, no amount of therapy is going to change the fact the you're a CD, however, you can still be a CD without actually "dressing".
It's a state of mind. Some of us are CD's 24-7, while others are CD's only when they dress.
It's complicated, but your wife over-reacted. You're not like mean or you don't hit her.
Seems to me she's the one with the problem.
I'd have her read some of the SO's write about their CD boyfriends and husbands.
My wife is supportive yet still thinks I'll "out grow" being a CD someday.
Good luck.
ps, I'm like you. I'm more girly than my wife. I wear slips, my wife doesn't even own one. I wear garter belts and ff stockings, my wife wears pantyhose sometimes.
my wife is the boss, I'm the maid. That's just the way it is.

[Beverley Sims]

Erin,
I see it as a power play, a way of controlling you.
It is a very unhappy situation that you are in.
Talking to the therapist may help but somehow I think you have to make yourself more interesting as a girl.
In order to get back to the status quo I see a lot of small steps over a long time.
I really have nothing concrete to offer.

[Jean 103]

sorry to hear your situation . I have been there. in. my case we separated a couple. months ago. it sounds like you are at a cross road.. for you me both roads ended in the same place or maybe it's that I could not stay on the one she wanted.I hope it works out for you . ♡ jean

[Rachael Leigh]

Erin sweetie I've got similar issues going on hon and I feel for you, if you need a friend feel free to send a PM.
Hang in there

[Shelly Preston]

I agree with Di you really should get her to go with you to the therapist.

It may help her understand that you did not choose to be a CD its a part of your personality. This may go some way to setting boundaries that you can both live with.

I can hear the anger in your words because of the ultimatum she has given you. It may not work out but you owe to yourself and her to at least try.

I wish you both the best of luck in finding a resolution.

[lexivanderpump]

Erin,
Why do you need to see a therapist? There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you girlfriend. I wish you the best hun.

Love,
Lexi V.