Why passing matters. The dream and the reality.

[docrobbysherry]

I've met a zillion TS and CD's over the years. And, I've been out too many times to count. Most of those dressers and myself can't pass nor do we care much about it anymore.

There have been a few times, I can count them on the fingers of one hand, where I passed up close.

And, I can tell u that the way folks treated me when they believed I was a female as opposed to tolerating/humoring the "man in a dress" is very different. Maybe others here can explain it better than I? It's NOT all good. I was at a vanilla Halloween dance waiting with GGs for the guys to come by, look us over, and ask us to dance! Or not---. I may have passed because a few guys danced with me, once. Ha ha! But, most of my dancing was with other wall flower GGs.

The point is this:
Some of us have the need to go out dressed. And, most of us can't pass. We go anyway. If u feel u r one of those? By all means stick your toe in the water and see if u like it. If so, get out there and be u.

But, if u r one of those with the Golden Fleece? The Magic beans? The Power to Pass? U may have experiences most of us will never completely understand or appreciate.

[Vickie_CDTV]

That is my situation. I wished I passed, but I don't, but I go out dressed anyway. It would be easier if I did pass, though.

[Adriana Moretti]

I've met a zillion TS and CD's over the years. And, I've been out too many times to count. Most of those dressers and myself can't pass nor do we care much about it anymore.

This is very true....

[Talisker]

I've met a zillion TS and CD's over the years. And, I've been out too many times to count. Most of those dressers and myself can't pass nor do we care much about it anymore.

So true. Very very few CD's can pass and by passing I mean have a 5 min interaction with someone and them leaving still thinking your a girl. With a little effort most can walk past by people or sit in McDonalds without others noticing. Some TS can do it but they have the time to work on it and some things are really difficult to do. For example once whilst having makeup done I realised after about 30 min that the sexy blonde girl at the desk was actually a TS. I talked to her for a few minutes then sat down in a room behind the counter so could not see her. At that point nothing unusual. After a whilst something seemed strange and I figured out it was the way she expressed her self. Its not just the tone but also women select different words and express themselves. The makeup girl confirmed it. So really passing is exceptionally difficult and there are just so many other things to do in life than concentrate just on that.

[Michelle (Oz)]

But, if u r one of those with the Golden Fleece? The Magic beans? The Power to Pass? U may have experiences most of us will never completely understand or appreciate.

I'm firmly in the don't pass camp nor do I go out of my way to blend either. At a superficial level, I therefore don't know of a "passers' experiences".

Over the last six months though I've been fortunate to form a number of friendships with GGs that treat me as a girlfriend. There is no need to pass to have deeply rewarding experiences. GGs are prepared to look beyond the male in a dress to the person in forming friendships.

[JayeLefaye]

I pretty much agree, in that passing from a distance, for me, isn't too hard, but up close and personal? C'mon, who're we fooling:-)....Except for last weekend. I had a magical 20 second encounter with a GG, and it left me exhilarated, but was terrifying while it was happening. My wife & I had a date night downtown(It was my birthday), so we got a room at a hotel that was within walking distance of our favorite restaurant. We got back to our room after dinner, and I realized that I needed something from the car. We were staying on the 14th floor. So I scooted down to the car, and ok, I also took an extra stroll around the block 'cause I was feeling so damn pretty:-)

At that point it was 10:30 at night, on a Saturday. I got back onto the elevator and hit the button for the 14th floor. On the 3rd floor, the elevator stopped, the door opened, and a GG stepped on and hit the 16th floor button....And then, she struck up a conversation about how fast the elevator was. My voice jumped three octaves, not because I was trying to pass, but because I was suddenly terrified!!! What if she suddenly copped onto me being a dudette? I've been on elevators for 59 years, and in guy mode, NEVER has a woman struck up a conversation. Elevator etiquette is to look straight ahead and try not to make anyone uncomfortable, especially in a hotel at night with just myself and a single woman. But SHE was the one who started the conversation, and I had nowhere to hide.

I would bet my bottom dollar that she wouldn't have spoken to a strange guy in a hotel elevator on a Saturday night....So yeap, for 20 seconds, I passed up close and personal with a GG:-)

I often think of going out en femme in relation to having stage fright. As a hobby, I'm a musician. Not the most talented by any means, but I've been performing since 1998, and still have stage fright. The stage fright used to be so bad that I would literally vomit before getting on stage. Once the music starts, I'm fine, but even after all this time, I still expect someone in the audience to stand up and shout "You're a fraud! You don't belong on stage you musical impostor you!!!" There could be thirty people in the audience, or three thousand, and it doesn't matter that 99.9 percent are enjoying themselves. It's that .1 percent that I'm terrified of.

So when we talk about "owning it", I have to nod my head and say "Yeah, dammit!" Screw the .1 percent, whether it's on stage pretending to be a musician, or on the street pretending to be a woman, I have every right to be who I am, where I am, and God bless the 99.9 percent!

Jaye

[Marcelle]

Yup, squarely in the "don't pass" camp but then again very, very, few of us do. I realize that blending for a brief moment is the best I can pull off but I never survive first contact. However for me it matters not as I know I am a guy and a guy I will always be but this one part of me wishes to express "girl" and I won't quell that after 32 years of suppression.

Hugs

Isha

[Shiny]

Interesting topic! At my age now I couldn't possibly pass anymore. I've done the Halloween thing as a "man in a dress" and was seen as such but back in the early 70's managed to go out in a different town on a few evenings and can still remember the difference. I didn't get all decked out in the 5 inch heels and the drag queen makeup but dressed conventional for the times. Falsies and lace trimmed blouse, waltz length plaid skirt, 3 inch heels and the makeup and Farrah Fawcett hairdo. I found that if I just acted normal and NOT nervous I could get by quite nicely. A few women looked me over with a glance while at the same time I noticed men ogling my legs and bust and hairstyle--they were sizing me up as a woman and not as a "man in a dress." I moved around the shopping malls and stores not staying in one place too long then finally having my fill went home. But it was interesting going out then and just being myself. There is quite a difference to being seen as a female compared to the disgusted looks from people as a "man in a dress."

[Rogina B]

From my experience,it is "appearing presentable" combined with "behaving believably" that leads toward inclusion. No one needs a pretty,but "Catty" Witch around..no matter their birth gender.

[Chari]

It is true there is a lot of "smoke & mirrors" to give the illusion of being the other gender, but it should always be IMO that you must be comfortable and confident in what you are wearing - no matter which mode you choose! Enjoy.

[Michelle (Oz)]

I would bet my bottom dollar that she wouldn't have spoken to a strange guy in a hotel elevator on a Saturday night....So yeap, for 20 seconds, I passed up close and personal with a GG:-)

From my experience, it is "appearing presentable" combined with "behaving believably" that leads toward inclusion.

Females respond to people who are smiling happy people and as Rogina says "presentable".

Jaye, you may have passed but, from my experience, more likely she made you and was interested in talking. Why? She may have a brother or friend who is part of the GLTB spectrum or she might just be a personable friendly person. Work on the basis that you have been made and enjoy the conversation. For too long I hesitated simply because my male voice would give me away when I already had been. It is empowering to understand that the "male in a dress" tag does NOT stop GGs talking to us.

She may not have struck up a conversation with a male.

[Eryn]

I have no idea how well or often I pass. Worrying about it was a major impediment to my enjoying being myself and going out. I finally decided not to worry about it and to get on with life.

There are some awfully masculine-looking GGs out there and they don't give a moment's notice to "passing." Yet they pass easily, because it is all about being confident in yourself. Since there is little I can do about making my appearance more feminine, building confidence in myself has become my goal.

[Eringirl]

Recently when I have been out, no one seems to make any overt behaviors that I have been clocked. But I don't know what is in their mind or what they say when they are out of earshot. I sometimes look behind me to see if anyone is looking, but no one is. I think I blend in, but that is probably the best I can hope for. So I don't worry about it. If I can go about the business of everyday life as Erin and feel good about myself and treated with respect and dignity when I go out, I don't care if I pass.

[Rogina B]

Over the years I have come to the point where I actually enjoy being"the face of transgender" to those I encounter. Which is being with a lot of people sometimes as I am very active on the trans right push herein NE Florida where TGs are"not on every street corner". Just last night,in twenty minutes time,went from the "redneck waterfront restaurant" where I am a celebrity[only took 21 months] to a club at Amelia Island Plantation/Omni resort. There, I was mixing with a crowd of "very privileged" young white people that had "flown in" for a wedding. The closest most had come to a TG prior to last night,was in the pages of Glamour Magazine last month...I love encounters...

[Alice Torn]

At my size, six feet six barefoot, and about six foot ten or eleven in heels, I can not fool anyone, especially when i have to speak. I do not have great social skills, either, and have a nervous disorder, soooo, i very seldom go out that door dressed, especially in this town. I hope to again, maybe a symphony, if my old 1976 Dodge will run without a breakdown, and maybe actually go to the post office, and drugstore in this redneck town, like i did last year, and go to another town, and walk a bit. My huge hands, huge feet, man voice, and near seven feet tall in heels, does not help me "blend" anywhere, or pass.

[MelanieAnne]

I can pass visually, if I don't have to talk to someone. But I avoid any contact with people when I'm out walking around. For me, I just think if you pass, you will have fewer problems. There are guys who might feel it's OK to harass a crossdresser or gay person, when they wouldn't bother a real woman.

[heatherdress]

OK - but - so what? Is it surprising that most people can see that a man is a man and a woman is a woman regardless of their clothing? You can wish all you want, you can hide and avoid people all together - or you can dress the way you want to and not worry about other people so much.

[AmyGaleRT]

I've been told by a few people that I "pass" really well; part of it is my voice, which I've developed and practiced long enough that it's almost automatic when I switch to Amy mode. However, I quit worrying about "passing" long ago; after all, how many women do you see who are 6'2" in bare feet and wear a size 26? My thinking is, if you're confident in yourself and confident in your presentation, you are more likely to be accepted as who you are. Own your look; step out with an attitude that tells the world, "I am a confident woman, and I believe in myself!" Of course, dress appropriately; I probably dress just a bit nicer than many women, but still appropriately for my age. I've never been misgendered when I'm out, and always been treated decently.

- Amy

[Talisker]

JayeLefaye - Sorry if this sounds like busting your bubble but I dont think you can assume you passed. Girls are curious creatures and men in dresses are much less intimidating to a lone GG. Same with feminine looking guys in male mode. GGs feel much less threatened. Maybe she wanted to hear your voice. Maybe she is just the one in a million girl who talks to everyone in elevators or maybe you did pass but you can never be sure of it since you didnt ask her.

Only reason for saying this is because I've had GGs come to talk to me because they knew I was a CD or they were not sure and wanted a closer look, and some thought I was a girl so it can be for a mix of reasons. You can guess what people are thinking but its only a guess.

[charlenesomeone]

I am usually read the minute I get close to anyone.
So What. Right on Doc!!!
Not to hijack the tread, but Amy how did you work on your voice?
Maybe a thread on it might help a lot of us girls.
Thanks
Hugs

[mariehart]

The reality is that I did pass at one stage. Quite easily in fact but I never appreciated it at the time. I never had the confidence in myself to pursue it. Now I know I wouldn't pass, at least not without some work.

But to me it's vital that I pass and as I can't so I don't go out to situations where I can be seen up close. I'm my own worst enemy.

[Paula_56]

In the transgender community, the use of the terms “pass” or “passing” is controversial. What’s ironic is that we all use it in one form or another, but camouflage it with politically correct language. What’s even more interesting is if you ever go to Reddit’s Transpassing or any one of the other related sub Reddits you would discover that the younger members of our community didn’t get the memo and talk about passing all day long.

I prefer to use the phrase “present as a woman." If I am looking for a comment, I’ll ask how was my presentation. With all that being said, we all have some very definite opinions about the issue. Before you click the comment link below, let me say a few things first.

What made the subject very clear and even defined for me the why we do this was something my wife said to me a few weeks ago. Having recently traded in her shoulder length hair for a pixie cut, she was still getting comfortable with such short hair. While we were getting ready for a Saturday morning of fellowship and brush-cutting at the church picnic grove, she put on blue jeans and a flannel shirt. I’ll admit discreetly to the 5000 or so readers of Femulate that she did look a bit boyish.

One look in the mirror brought about a shriek. Not expecting this response, I looked over and asked, “What’s the matter, honey?”

“Oh my gosh, I look like a man!” she blustered as she headed for her closet.

After 29 years of marriage, I came back with a practiced response that I learned before my first anniversary, “Sweetheart, you look beautiful.”

As she positioned herself in front of the mirror, this time in a jean skirt and scalloped linen top, she breathed a sigh of relief, “There, I at least want the people to know that I am a woman!”

Wow, Bam, Bazinga! Yes read it again ladies: “There, I at least want the people to know that I am a woman!”

Transgender women just want the human race to know that we are women!

The hair, the makeup, clothes, lingerie, voice lessons, and of course, shoes are all gestures to the world that we are women. Just like the jean skirt and scalloped top that was nowhere near as practical for clearing brush that morning, they served a vital purpose for my wife; they signaled the world that she was a woman and validated her identity. It brought her appearance more in line with who she felt she was.

Just like the cowboy who wears his hat, jeans and boots in the airport, he is saying to the world, "These clothes reflect who I am, a culture that I belong to, a philosophy that I adhere too, and a vocation that I perform."

The banker, the rocker, and the professor --- they all send a message with their clothes.
That is the reason we do this --- we want people to know who we are. That deep down, under the five o'clock shadow and receding hairline, we all have to some varying extent the hearts and souls of feminine beings.

That’s why we so often ask about passing, presenting or how do I look? It is the reason why in the transgender community, we take more pictures than most tourists. Ever notice that you are the only person at the family reunion that knows exactly how to work the self-timer on the camera! We want acknowledgement, we are sending radio waves out into the Universe and listening, searching, longing to know if we are being heard.

With that in mind, instead of asking “Do I pass?”

Let’s try asking, "Did you get my message?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

[Rogina B]

I am usually read the minute I get close to anyone.
So What.
Not to hijack the tread, but Amy how did you work on your voice?
Maybe a thread on it might help a lot of us girls.
Thanks
Hugs

Having a pleasant sounding voice is a great thing. However,most people will not pass close scrutiny from trained eyes. However,acceptance and better yet inclusion are partially based on your effort to be presentable and believable,so a pleasant voice doesn't hurt that!

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line to me RS is that you either believe in yourself and who you are or you don't. We are sometimes the hardest people to convince ourselves of that.

[ArleneRaquel]

I love living as a lady. Passing doesn't matter in my world.