Wow.. I found a topic that doesn't fit anything here!

[mechamoose]

Teen: 'I'm not a boy or a girl'

When Kelsey looked at the matchmaking site's opening screen, it presented an immediate problem: "I am a [male/female]".

Which box do you check when you don't belong in any box? How do you navigate the world when the world is built on identifying with one group or another group, male or female, and the place that feels most right to you is neither?

"Binary" is a lie. We are more complicated than that. "Binary" makes things *easier*, but not *accurate*.

All the hugs I can give, Kelsey!!! <3

- MM

>insert request for an 'asexual' or 'non-binary' area here<

- MM

[Jaylyn]

Why does everything have to fit into a box or group..... Everyone's different... I even change from day to day.... Oh wait that's my wife. There are so many politically correct wording now no one knows where they fit anymore. I got it just be yourself and let the rest of the world worry where to put you. You'll live longer not worrying about what box your in.... Lol

[mechamoose]

Because when you want support, getting it from those that *get* you matters. If it didn't, we wouldn't have a 'transmasculine' and 'MtF crossdresser' groups here.. they would be a single group,

- MM

[PaulaQ]

The matchmaking sites are pretty awful. You can choose "male" or "female", and while I know that I am a woman, no ifs ands or buts about it, the fact is, most guys are going to make a distinction between me and a genetic girl, and sadly not one in my favor. That's OK, I get it, but it'd be nice, I think, not to have to tell guys "yeah, I'm trans," after they message me.

I've tried some of the dating sites that support transgender women, but my experiences on them have been pretty disappointing.

And hey - if it's a problem for me, a MtF TS who identifies solidly on one side of the gender binary (I'm a girl!), the situation is just impossible for someone who's non-binary, asexual, gender-queer, etc. (For example, the person in the OP, or the OP herself - the delectable Ms. Moose.)

[Wildaboutheels]

I've been on several Dating sites over the years both paid and free. On either, it's a tough enough row to hoe for even a "regular" guy, BUT I did meet a truckload of terrific ladies by sticking with a few simple rules. One CAN have success at any site but it's not magic and takes a lot of effort. Those are "regular" sites where for the most part men are looking for women and vice versa.

There probably are tons of specialized sites where people are much more open minded or flexible IF people are wiling to look for them. Of course, that does shrink the Fish pond exponentially. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

Go into almost ANY type of store [in likely most any country] and you will find multiple dozens of different sections. Just makes it EASIER to find what one is looking for. The default for Humans is Easier is better.

Each and every Dating website IS a store...and like EVERY store can't possibly stock everything.

[ReluctantDebutant]

Simple while the hues in the gender spectrum may be many in the end there only two physical sexes. This information for physical description is just as important to a dating site as much as age, height, weight, eye color, hair color, skin color.

[Candice Mae]

I've been on dating sites as "female" for a while now, its just the only way it works for me. If I was on there as a "male" it would be a diaster, not only do I not look like a "male" it would only match me with straight GG's. I also don't feel the need that I need to shout or declare that I'm trans to everyone, when I meet a GG I like I let her know that I'm not a GG usually with in the first 5-10 messages. People react different to you when they know your trans, some run for the hills, some ask a million questions, some are speachless, some turn agressive, and a select few accept you for who you are not what you are.

[Kate Simmons]

The world isn't prepared yet for multiple "boxes". Can you imagine how long the application would be? The binary thing is just for the sake of simplicity anyway.

[Krisi]

Joining a mainstream dating site as "female" when you have male genitals is dishonest at best and can get you in a lot of trouble if you don't make it clear what's actually between your legs before and personal or physical contact.

Society sees only two choices, mald or female.

[mechamoose]

Society sees only two choices, male or female.

And therein lies our problem.

We are often *MORE* than just two answers.

- MM

[JayeLefaye]

Teen: 'I'm not a boy or a girl'



"Binary" is a lie. We are more complicated than that. "Binary" makes things *easier*, but not *accurate*.

All the hugs I can give, Kelsey!!! <3

- MM

>insert request for an 'asexual' or 'non-binary' area here<

- MM

First off:

This quote is from a "teen"..And by all the gods in heaven I wish the teens well!!!

Second off:

I would suggest that the teen turn off his "media" and read John Irving's book: "In One Person", which is a chronicle of an "LGBT's journey from the '50's though the 2000's....and at the end of it, the Narrator asked "...And now they've added a "Q" to LGBT?...Oh my goodness, the Narrator had lived through the 50's & 60's and 70's and then saw friends die in the 80's & 90's due to AIDS...

Bottom line:
1. I'm glad the "teen" has access to the internet.
2. I hope the teen will keep researching.
3. I don't see the term "binary" anywhere...

Love ya MM:-)

Jaye

P.S....As the SO of a therapist who had to Google what "Q" meant...We would suggest that the "Teen" also Google the "Q"...we're saying this with nothing but good intentions.....

[Candice Mae]

Joining a mainstream dating site as "female" when you have male genitals is dishonest at best and can get you in a lot of trouble if you don't make it clear what's actually between your legs before and personal or physical contact.

Society sees only two choices, mald or female.

For a CD to select "female" is dishonest, Its alittle different for TS's that are transistioning there is some grey area.

[Aly Cat]

I dont go for dating sites at all. I tried several and consider it a waste. Do I have better luck in person? NOPE! Does it matter to me? NOPE! Yes I am lonely, no I am not satisfied with my love life, but do I have a choice right now? No. I am just having to learn how to be a strong independent woman. As of right now, with all the medications I am on from transitioning, I have no sex drive so what I crave is security and comfort; someone to hold me. For now, my pillows do a half decent job at it as long as I dont think too deeply on how lonely I feel. Dating sites are a waste of time for me. Nothing good has ever come from one in my experience. I have tried in the past. I hate that M/F question they all ask. I usually only get to that point if occasionally I do attempt to sign up. Then I cancel out, and move on to other things. I like it when I have to fill that question out on paper though. I get to circle the whole answer! M/F, circle the whole thing and call it a day. If they ask which is it, I just simply say I circled the whole thing for a reason. Sadly, everything is going digital Oh well, my pillows will never leave me, and if they do, I can buy more. I dont mind being my pile of pillow's little spoon. It gets me through the night.

[Andy66]

Aaaawwww... Aly! I hope you find someone worthy of you when youre ready.

[Beverley Sims]

I have never been into dating sites myself butthere are a lot out there who have had success.
Mind you a lot of failures too.

To Candice and Aly, From what I have seen satisfaction comes slowly to you and when the rough edges are honed out and you are less self conscious I feel things will click into place.

I know it took a long time for a couple of my friends who transitioned, all they had was the support of each other for some years.
That special person will come, but not soon.

[Jaymees22]

Someday if all goes well they won't ask the question. They can't ask your religion, race or political beliefs, so why gender?? Jaymee

[Charla McBee]

The world isn't prepared yet for multiple "boxes". Can you imagine how long the application would be? The binary thing is just for the sake of simplicity anyway.

That simplistic binary thing causes some people extreme emotional distress. A simple "other" might be at least somewhat helpful as a compromise that keeps your application short without forcing someone to be something they're not. I saw an application recently that actually had transgender options on it, didn't really take up much room at all honestly just having a few more words in the gender box. I wish I had had the guts to go with trans instead of male but I didn't want to deal with the potential headaches from that world of yours that isn't prepared to accept diversity.

[ShelbyDawn]

So, would the answer be to have two selections; one for sex(male/female) and a second for gender that would be a ten point sliding scale from female to male?

Of course, now I am thinking the selection for sex might need to have a "yes, please" option...

[Teresa]

MM,
Pity Kelsey couldn't tick a box saying human being looking for another human being wanting to interact the way human beings should !
No boxes marked gender or sexual preferences !!

MM you should know better ! The problem stems from badly written software forced on the public from people who should know better but appear to live on a different planet when questions like yours are raised !!

How many times have we sat at the computer filling in online forms looking for the third box that actually applies to us ?
All you get at the bottom is, "any others " ! So you fill that in knowing full well no one is going to read it !!

I don't sound cynical do I ?