Hi Ashley,
I don't have time to get on here too much, lately. You're about my daughter's age, and I've been down almost an identical road in what little you have described (I'm sure there are differences between us, but not much with what you've shared.)
At your age, I stuffed it all down, was married, had kids, in a conservative church for a really long time. I tried Christian counseling years ago - I ended up more confused after that than anything, and didn't know why. I thought this was a stage I could push past - I went all out as masculine as I could go to suppress the feminine feelings. It wasn't until years later that I finally accepted myself as transgender, which is a really broad term. I'm not saying you are, but you have so many issues that are not ones that "normal conservative Christians" face, that are more similar to what transgender, gay and bisexual people face, that I think you'll get the best support from the right part of the LGBT community.
Fast forward to today: I still have my faith in God, which will never be shaken. My kids accept me for who I am. My wife is not at all pleased with where my life is going, but it's best I continue on my path. I'm transitioning to female, been 9 months or so on hormones. I'm questioning my sexuality as well.
What's helped me the most is to get the right therapy, which I know people have posted about already in this thread. I've only read the posts you've written, and in them you've mentioned other's advice. I've been through a couple of therapists, and the one I am with now has been working with transgender people for over 20 years - the experience *really* shows and *really* helps!
As far as religion: Statistics show the average percentage of transgender people that attempt suicide is around 40-41% - that's the survivors, we don't know how many complete it as a percentage of transgender people. Statistics also show that in most cases going to a conservative counselor (any religion) that is untrained in transgender therapy results in an increase to a whopping 60%. So, what I advise people to do is to seek only religious places that advertise that they are LGBT supportive (not just tolerant - big difference!) So, they'll have a rainbow flag on the building, or their web site will talk about having programs for LGBT people - not reparative therapy (that clearly fails miserably with Transgender people - would God want us to kill ourselves? Really?)
If you search youtube, you'll find some very helpful videos. One I saw is from a pastor of a church who systematically goes through the Bible explaining other interpretations of passages used by conservatives to say God hates LGBT people. It's very good, as he shows how they can be interpreted in a different light. I can't remember his name or the title of the video, but in searching, I see there's lots of them out there - the point being there's other ways to interpret the Bible and it's not by skipping over things. The other video I'd recommend is the one given by Debi Jackson, reading "That's Good Enough". She's a conservative Christian woman who has a transgender daughter, and in her speech she quotes from the book of Samuel, "God does not look on the outside of a person, but looks on the heart." Non-conservative Christians are really starting to make a more pronounced stand in support of LGBT of all kinds, including transgender people.
As far as just "going for it": Well, actually it's the best advice you could follow, even though it's not what you want to hear. What will happen if you do, is that you'll blossom into the person you are truly on the inside. I've seen it time and again - you'll be more productive, at peace, happy, joyous, and helpful to all of the rest of us humans out there! Statistically, a transgender person who receives the right treatments for them will have such a drop in stress that the suicide rate drops to something like 1.7% (that's down from 40%). It makes a huge difference.
As far as sexuality: I also have been heterosexual my entire life, up until recently. I had been taught by the church that homosexuality was wrong (think Westboro attitude). My endocrinologist told me to not be too upset, but that in his experience, people can experience a change in sexuality once they go on hormones. Not always, but frequently, he said. I was pretty sure that was not going to be me! Well, time told a different story and it's not over with yet. What's happened to me is that I've been getting far more interested in other M2F trans people than I am in women. I'm still not interested in men, or F2M transmen. But having that change happen has been very unnerving - I thought my sexuality was something that would never change. I brought this up a couple of weeks ago at a meeting of OCFTM, where they had two doctors there as guests speaking about transgender therapy. One of the doctors was not in practice, but is a researcher for a couple of local major universities (names all of you would recognize). He said that it may not be that my sexuality is necessarily changing, but that I'm just being more honest and open to my feelings now that I'm transitioning. That sure has left me pondering this the last few weeks.
I found in my life that this didn't go away with time, but I was able to suppress it for a while, and then it came roaring back in my 30's or so. I wish I had taken care of myself when I was young instead of building my life around a facade that I so carefully constructed. The pain was far worse later in life. So many others built their lives and expectations around the man-image I fabricated, that coming out to my immediate family tore them up as well, and they have had to go through transition with me. (I'm planning on watching more of the series Transparent on Amazon Prime, which just came out last Friday. I saw the pilot and it's very good. It's about coming out as trans later in life.)
What's helped me lately is to join PFLAG - Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (and trans, and intersex, and queer, etc, etc.) I looked on the national site - pflag.org, and found that there's a chapter in your state. I think you would benefit greatly from it, as they will know who the good therapists are, and help you deal with family, church, etc. from a local perspective. PFLAG is open for anyone to join - not just parents, families and friends.
One thing I've heard in all the PFLAG meetings I've been to - when you come out to family (whatever your coming out is about - being trans, gay, bisexual, etc) that you can't predict how people will react. You can guess, and some you'll guess right, but others you'll guess totally wrong. Most of my extended family still does not know about my transition, but I live 1,500 miles from them, and I use my regular voice when I call them. I will tell them at the right time.
I've joined the PFLAG Speaker's Bureau here in Southern California, and gone through training for a while to be able to speak about this. I started speaking a couple of weeks ago, and have spoken to a grad school class for therapists at a major university, plus a human sexuality class at a local college. I've also been able to stand up and share this in my Women's Studies class I'm taking at my local college, as the textbook was way off covering the subject of transgender people. These are all things I have brought up in my speaking, and will continue to. People need to know there's help and support out there. The more I can spread the word, the more I will help humanity.
There's lots of resources out there that can help you - don't give up!
Hugs,
Ann
). But you've seen already that your family loves you. It may take some time, but if they truly love you they'll come around and accept you for who you are. But they won't if you don't accept yourself first.
