Self loathing

[Rachel52]

I don not share the enthusiasm that many here express nor do I intend to unwind any progress many have made towards self acceptance and the like. I don't accept this part of myself, in fact I wholly reject it. These impulses and needs of mine have isolated me from a world which simply has zero space for a giant man emasculating himself, parading himself around presenting himself to be something he is not nor ever will be. I am saturated in shame and if one more person recylcles the same tired tropes of Tony Robbins TED Talk love myself, know myself, psycho-academic nonsense I will barf. I hate this shit. I am not inspired, I am not a special flower who expresses myself in perfectly natural ways. I am alone but safe.

[Wildaboutheels]

Your bad attitude is showing. Clearly a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since your last posting almost 15 months ago.

If you are willing to share what has transpired, there are possibly people here [who have already worked through something similar] who might be able to offer encouragement or share advice.

Then it's totally up to you to READ or take any advice offered.

Good Grief, you are only 38!

[Teresa]

Rachel,
Please don't think many of us haven't been through these feelings too ! Trying to come to terms with part of your brain that for some reason wants you to wear women's clothes is hard to accept !
It's taken so many years to realise and accept I was born with it and it's for life !
Getting over the hurdles of your own acceptance is hard ! You can try and suppress it but you're not going to be any happier doing that and possibly make yourself ill in the process !

If dressing actually relieves something within you what harm are you doing to yourself ??
OK I'm still struggling with acceptance and understanding from my wife and family but at least I've accepted it does me less harm to dress than not and now I don't feel guilty to say I enjoy it !!

[Joni T]

And your point IS ???????????????

[Beverley Sims]

Rachel,
You have said your piece and you must be more satisfied with yourself for it.
I do hope you feel better.

[Annaliese]

Rachel, we all need to vent, I have done my share, many of us here have been where you are now, I needed to just look up and see it was not as bad as I though, do not do anything that will hurt your self or others, find someone you can talk to. I know what you are going through, Stop and thing of other and your self before you do or say anything. We here care about you, know that, I do not know you, but I care.

[Andy66]

Well. I feel like I should say something to try to make you feel better, but I got nothing. Sounds like you need to change something in your life to make yourself happier. Only you know what that is.

BTW, I secretly think Tony Robbins is full of hot air too.

[hope springs]

I agree the TED talk, Tony Robins love fest get tiresome. Short of meeting you in person there isnt alot more we can offer. If you reject it all, good for you. This crazy duality isnt for everyone. Your not a unique snowflake whose self expression is misunderstood. We will all become part of the same compost heap. So why bother torturing yourself in the meantime. Hit the bricks and go find something that will make you happy. And if you find it, let us know.

[Yoshisaur]

Well if you feel that the urge and need to crossdress is harmful to you then you are welcome to suppress and move away from it. The one thing I can say to you is to do what makes you happy.

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug

I hope you are one day able to find a peace with yourself.

Hug
Rita

[Seana Summer]

Been there......It was many years ago but I remember self loathing.

I don't know Toney Robbins and have never cared for all the feelings B.S. that some folks talk about. I have taken what I consider a very practical approach to CDing. I do it for myself, not to be accepted by this or any other group. I have also come to the understanding that a large man like me in women's attire will not be accepted in broader society anytime soon so I don't go parading around in women's attire where I am not among those who will accept it. I spend much of my time out in the world as a large man. I change what I can, leave alone what I can't, and hope like hell I can determine the difference.

Hope this helps, sorry if I am misinterpreting your situation and making too many assumptions. I did read your profile as I wrote this.

[sometimes_miss]

From one giant to another, remember Clint Eastwood's quote: 'A man's got to know his limitations', and accept ourselves for who and what we are. For it is never true that everything is possible for everyone. Midgets will never star in the NBA. Giants will never be all star jockeys. And as much as I'd prefer to have been a five foot seven, one hundred and ten pound girl, instead I'm a six foot four inch, two hundred and ninety pound man, sort of built like a refrigerator.
In everything of our lives, we can look at the bad, or enjoy the good. Me, I'm happy that merchants exist that sell cute outfits that fit my huge frame. I'm happy that I can stay in the closet, and still date pretty women. Sure, I'd love it if I could share my secret about crossdressing, but hey, no one tells everyone else everything about ourselves, and this is just one of those things. Sort of like people who have a compulsion to eat dirt or paint.
My point, Rachel, is that in all of life we can either choose to be happy, or choose to be miserable. I choose to be happy, or, at least, content. I learn to really, really appreciate the little nice things in life, and always remember that most of the world lives with difficulties that I do not. So today, your post has reminded me to go do something fun. So I'm going to the movies, and pick one at random, buy a box of chocolate something and a soda, and sit back and have fun. Then i will come home and watch all the football games that I have recorded.
Hope you find a way to enjoy your day.

[Jenniferathome]

Forget the happy horesh!t talk. How about pragmatism? You're a cross dresser. it's a fact. suck it up.

[Alice Torn]

Rachel, You look good in your avatar! I can relate all of what you are going through. I am six foot six, 240, and would love to go out in public more than once a year(Oct 31), but, like you, am a huge man in dress and heels! My height, hands, feet, and chin and forehead shout, "big dude in a dress!" My religion forbids crossdressing, so I have to hide it from them. You needed to vent, and it is ok to feel lousy sometimes about this thing. Its easy to look at everything through rose colored glasses, but reality sucks much of the time. It really sucks a lot more, for those in some other nations,now. Tomorrow's a new day I live near Rockford Ill.

[Melissa_59]

If you're rejecting yourself and everyone else, the simple question is "Why are you here?"

~Mel

[Dana3]

From one self loathing dude who wants, need, desires, dreams, fantasies, longs to dress in women's _________________ to another? All these posts certainly helped me. I'm really tired of trying to live up to the expectations of others ~ especially those that neither know me, want to know me, know nothing about me, what I've been through, gone through, lived through!

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Have I loathed myself? Yes! I have found that this "affliction" if you want to call it that has brought me many difficulties and mind boggling feelings throughout my life. Would I want to totally get rid of it? No way! At one time I did because I thought my life would be better. Instead I have embraced my feminine side and do what feels good for me and to hell with what society or people around me expect! Being a totally macho man for me would be a joke. Because I am not. I found peace and happiness in my own skin and like it that way. If you seriously want to be totally done with this, then so be it. But I also suspect, as has happened with me many years ago, there will be that nagging feeling to let loose and just be who you are. This is really not a curse, but one we can embrace and define who we are to find joy in our lives.

Cheryl

[docrobbysherry]

Funny u should post this today, Rachel. A good CD friend and I were out at a club last nite. Both single and hoping against hope to meet a GG as we r both straight. And, both lamenting how difficult it is for CD's to date GG's. Either we hide it from dates. In which case we'd be better off giving up dressing.
At that point we looked at each other. And, without saying a word, acknowledged the impossibility of that happening!

The alternative is revealing our "hobby" and actively seeking accepting GG's. Possible for my friend at her young age. Very unlikely for someone my advanced age.

Both of us discussed the antisocial and isolating sides of dressing. Unless you're trans, which we aren't, dressing CAN be unhealthy and self defeating for some individuals. Never mind that self infatuation and guilt may be involved.

Apparently, we both thot about it over nite. Hoping to come up with a practical solution. She summed it up in her email this AM: "It's simply a girlie thing that we can't get away from". Says it ALL for me!

If u find a happy solution to this CD addition, Rachel? Many of us r ALL EARS!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Rachel, Self Loathing is something that can not be easy to deal with. I can understand not wanting to accept this is part of you. However in my opinion this will only cause more internal conflict. It maybe you have to accept its part of you without acting on the impulses. I would not use a self help book either. This is something to be helped by professionals.

If you don't try you will never solve your issues.

[Kate Simmons]

No one is forcing you to come to this Forum. Think about it. You must have doubts or you wouldn't have posted what you did.

[Katey888]

Rachel - some useful and varied perspectives here - this rang a bell for me:

If you reject it all, good for you. This crazy duality isnt for everyone.

But it's not that easy to reject something that seems both so innate and something that many of us feel is a curse or burden rather than a blessing. I'm sure there are ways through without resorting to the guilt and shame path... been there and done that and have nothing positive to show for it. I might yet get to your stage, but I do feel that there must be better ways for you than simple repression and self-punishment. That sounds way too simplistic and medieval for me, and such a waste of energy and angst...

I hope you can find a way beyond your guilt and shame and to a more positive place...

Katey x

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

What Kate Simmons said. There seems to be a slight thread of being on the edge of the entire isssue. You're still here, and you have vented some very personal feelings. That we can understand. Anyone here on this forum has questioned their gender and expression, and needs, at one time or another. I lose my enthusiasm too at different times.

If I may use as an example the boy struggling with the idea of being gay. Often, whether familiy. religion, or social structure causes one to suppress it, it's going to come out somehow. My psychologist once told me that about my own GID. It could come out in nasty, even criminal ways too.

maybe you need to sort this out with a professional. We here can only offer our own experiences and maybe a grain of advice. It does however seem that you want to repress something. That might not be healthy for you including physical reactions. I'm no professional but I know what it's been like for me and other friends.

I purged all of my fem stuff before. Actually my ex-wife did. And I felt empty afterward.

I'm 6'2" and would need some extensive facial surgery or a Hollywood makeup artist to have me pass in public. But that doesn't stop me from being myself at home. I just may venture out and let the world deal with my appearance.

Cheryl

[Maria 60]

Welcome to my life. Your still here as am I. I have excepted that someone made me this way and I only live once and don't look to much into it and try to enjoy and control it, I like to make sure my wife is happy and don't believe I want to put my kids into this and I am happy with what ever time I have to do it. You must ask yourself how much time and resources you are willing to go threw before you decide were you are going with this, or if you want to approach it at all. At the end of the day it's up to you and you can always come back here and we will always be here to give you advice.

[CynthiaD]

Well, if self loathing is your thing, I guess I wish you well with it. It certainly wouldn't be my choice. And it is a choice.

[Rachel52]

I don't think self loathing is a choice, it's an involuntary reflex. It protects me from making decisions that would humiliate myself.

I appreciate the responses from everyone. Often I get so discouraged, and the Trans-sorority 'You-go-Girl!' drumbeat just feels old and tired. Sometimes I need to hear that I'm not the only one on this forum that feels like this isn't all rainbows and lollipops. I almost hate to admit it, but I have a supportive wife who wants me feel comfortable with this and I can't. I know that a supportive spouse is the cross dressing winning lottery ticket, but the truth is that I'm ashamed to be seen by her like that. She has seen me dressed a thousand times and I am still embarrassed when she sees me. I feel so alone with this. This is solitary confinement. I get so bored sitting on the couch all day when I dress, watching television, having the same conversations in the same chat room. But I can't leave the house lest I subject myself to the torment of the world that sets it's sights on the giant man in a dress. So I sit on the couch with the shades drawn so my neighbors don't accidentally catch a glimpse of my 'authentic self'. It's a brick wall I smash up against every time I feel good enough to dress and it leads me to the same place every time. I feel good when I dress but I can't leave the house so I'm bored out of my mind.

I go to therapy and I go to a Transgender support group and I never feel better about any of this. I can't even dress when I go to the support group. I am even too embarrassed to be seen by a room full of trans women. When I say to my wife or my therapist that I don't have any friends, it isn't because I want sympathy. I'm saying it as a matter of fact. Friendships require vulnerability and I can't let anybody get close to me so I don't let anybody in. My guard is always up and I am constantly in self protect mode. This all feels so hopeless and depressing and my point isn't to try and drag everyone down, because it definitely is not. My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The truth is that this sucks and it's hard and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could. But I can't, so onward I march towards another day of hiding and solitude. Thanks again for your time reading my thoughts and responding to them.