Self loathing

[LelaK]

You're very disappointed with your identity, or something like that, I take it.

If we get some of our values in early childhood,

as seems obvious in my case at least, as I had the thought at an early age that I wanted to be like my Mom, not like my Dad, before I knew anything about sexual differences,

it seems you may have had a similar experience to mine.

I don't know if you like to loathe yourself, or your body, but I rather like sadness for some reason, which I suspect has to do with my inability to be more girl-like too. I enjoy longing for the little girl that I was not able to be.

We seem to share valuing the beauty of womanhood or something close to that and so we have our regrets. But I'm glad I have those values of what I consider beauty.

Your wife seems to value your values too and I'm glad about that. I hope you don't mind crying, at least in private. Crying is very healing. I like to do it when I'm sad.

By the way, have you tried any virtual reality? I'm curious about that myself.

[Julie Denier]

Rachel - As much as I enjoy dressing, believe me, not a day goes by that I don't think about how much easier my life would be if the desire to dress up would just go away. And with a completely unsupportive spouse, I need to stay fully closeted at home and have to dress in secret. You are incredibly fortunate to have a supportive spouse who's willing to share this with you and a support group where you can exchange ideas with peers. My only regular window to our world is this forum, and while supportive and helpful, it can feel very isolating. I do hope you can find peace with yourself ...

[Amanda M]

Rachael - I shall be frank. You are NOT going to sort this out on your own. You are going to need some professional help, and I would suggest, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Your post was an outpouring of feelings, of emotions. Our emotions are actually driven by our thoughts, not the other way round. Therefore if you can modify your thinking, your emotions will change. That is the way you should go.

[Maria 60]

I understand totally, that's what I tell my wife all the time. When I have time to dress, make up and all. It takes time and when done I sit on the couch with all the blinds closed, I tell my wife "all dressed and no where to go" all the hype waiting for days for this moment is now burned away. It's not easy, if I could snap my fingers and make it go away I would, trust me I would, but then I have my wife who calls it a blessing, that we have a closer relationship then our friends and not to many husbands cloths shop with there wife's and how much she loves buying me fem things and having a husband and a girlfriend, and we have been happily married thirty years because of this. The way I see it what I call a curse, my wife calls a blessing and wouldn't have it any other way. I guess sweet is not sweet if there was no sour. We must always look at the positive, trust me I know what your talking about, some days I just want to burst out of the front door totally dressed and yell out "I Am A CROSSDRESSER AND LOVE IT" but till that day I guess I will be sitting on couch dressed and nowhere to go. I hope you u cheer up, there's worst things in life.

[Dianne S]

Rachel,

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. IMO cross-dressing is not the pathology; self-loathing is. I think you need to work on that first. Good luck.

[rachael.davis]

"my feminine side is a blessing" hocus pocus - ok in some ways you're right it's a challenge to your self identity, it's threatening, frightening, can destroy your life, I can go on for a while.
But so what?
If you want to stay in the same place feeling the same emotions for the rest of your life that would be your choice, but all told it's a pretty poor one.
The hiding, the solitude, the shame eat your soul, and leave nothing behind but bitterness, emptyness, and lonelyness - it's your choice to either accept that this is part of you and go on with your life or not.

[Krisi]

You are the one who dresses himself up as a woman.

If you don't want to dress as a woman, don't do it. Take control and responsibility for your own actions. If you lack the willpower to do this on your own, get professional help.

[Stephanie47]

I read some of your prior postings after I read your posting here. You do not appear to be the same person; man or woman. First, let me compliment you on the presentation pictures you posted. I suspect when you look into the mirror all you see is the guy. I know the feeling. That's why I do NOT get close to the mirror. With all sincerity you DO make an attractive woman.

You have an accepting wife. That's great. You're fortunate. My wife hides her head in the sand. The old DADT routine, which leaves me wondering a lot. Sometimes I wish she would just scream out something..anything..ah, the big elephant.

You're into counseling. Great! When I was in the self loathing mode. My marriage is going to go poof mode, I called a therapist. I spoke to her. I randomly picked her out of the phone book. That was it. More self loathing. At least your confronting your perceived shortcomings as a man.

You're in a support group. I could have used that three decades ago, but, there were none. I tried calling one in Seattle, but, the person who answered the telephone was not trained to answer a crisis line. He was a total f--king jerk.

I do not know you. But, from what I can glean from your post, you may be trying too hard to make cross dressing a part of your life. If you do not like what you see and do, such as, sitting around watching television with your wife, why do you do it? One of the problems I see with this entire cross dressing thing is trying to fit the perceive mold established by some who are telling us they do all sorts of things en femme, 24/7 365 days a year. It is not like that.

If you do not detest your maleness, like I read some here espouse, then put on your dirty man jeans, flannel shirt and hunting vest and boots and go for a walk with your wife. I'm sure she would enjoy the attention. I'm sure you would also enjoy her attentions.

This entire cross dressing thing for the vast majority of us needs to be undertaken with moderation. I'm not telling you to resist the cross dressing urges, but, just enjoy the moment when it does arise in a meaningful manner.

Balance, balance!

[Dana3]

I once read where a fellow CD'r stated ~

"I don't think there's anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about dressing as a woman because I don't think being women have anything to be embarrassed nor ashamed of. Even factoring out cross dressing, people that are so closed and narrow minded as to reject you because we're cross dressers, probably aren't people that we would want and or need in our lives anyway?

If channeled properly it can make us more of HUMAN not less of what we already are. Its doesn't have to be all about dressing per say, but in recognizing and owning an innate part of ourselves that has been choked off by societal, cultural and religious conditioning and hang-ups.

If others have a problem with it? Then that's what it is!

Their problem. Not ours.

[Amy Fakley]

My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The truth is that this sucks and it's hard and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could. But I can't, so onward I march towards another day of hiding and solitude. Thanks again for your time reading my thoughts and responding to them.

Oh yeah, it sucks bigtime. I do know exactly what you're talking about.

I wish I knew what it was like to waltz through this life blissfully unaware of the gender compartment I've been crammed into, because I just fit inside it so neatly that it never even crossed my mind. Every f-ing minute day I wish I knew that, but I don't, and I never will. I'd venture to guess from your post, that neither will you. That's just not the ticket we drew in the genetic lottery (or whatever causes this ... does it even matter? because no matter how you slice it, it's not like we ever got a say in the matter).

I can't offer you any practical solution to your problem. And I can see how the TED-talk skittle-farting "it gets better yadda yadda yadda" crap can wear on your nerves when you've gone to the abyss emotionally. You gotta realize, however that the reason so many people dig what those guys are saying is because they're not wrong. That's not to say they're necessarily right either, but there's a grain of truth amongst all the showmanship.

About all I can tell you is how I've come to terms with it, and that's basically "you can laugh about it or you can cry about it".

I've lived long enough in my own skin on this Earth to know for sure that whatever the hell this is inside me, it's not going away. No amount of force can destroy this. I can't self-loathe it away. I can't starve it out. I can't "man up" enough. I can't change who I am, I've tried too many different ways and too many damn times.

The only thing I can really control is how I choose to feel about it. That is a choice for me. Perhaps it's different for you, but I hope not.
Dwelling on the sucky aspects of it seldom helps me in that regard.

I hope you manage to find your way back into a happy place, soon. It beats the hell out of the alternative.

[natcrys]

...

This all feels so hopeless and depressing and my point isn't to try and drag everyone down, because it definitely is not. My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The My truth is that this sucks for me and it's hard for me and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could.

...

There, FTFY.

I'm really sorry you feel this way.. but I sense something in your writing that makes you sound less resolute.

You write that you go to meetings and that you are in therapy. However, it also seems you have closed yourself off completely for anything to change. If that is the case.. then all the supporting meetings and therapy won't have any effect on you.

You have a supportive spouse.. consider yourself blessed and start working on opening yourself up... even it if it's just a smidgen. You're not alone in this, you don't have to be.

Do we get to decide with which genes and body we start our life? No.. this is the hand we're dealt with.. and given the circumstances... ANY hand can win the game!

[ReluctantDebutant]

Hi, Rachel52

I know just how you feel. This has never felt right for me either. And the whole "Trans-sorority 'You-go-Girl!' drumbeat" never made me feel any better about this. No you are not alone in this feeling. Almost three years ago a made a decision to stop dressing. It wasn't easy but I have found it is more like diet and exercise as you work at it, it gets easier and better. No I haven't turned to drink or drugs, I don't hate Cross-dressers nor do I think they all should quit. Nor do I feel like I am repressing happiness or anything else. I used to do that years ago during many failed attempts to quit. This feels liberating. I am starting to get that feeling that CDing truly doesn't have control of my life. I can Cross-dress tomorrow and not care or never cross-dress for the rest of my life and not care.Life is not about being a cross-dresser or not being a cross-dresser its about doing what truly makes you happy.

[Alice Torn]

Rachel, I often feel like you do, only I am a 60yo bachelor, with almost no friend, and no wife. Isolation is my norm, though as a man, i do interact with the public, and my difficult family of origin. Being way below poverty level is a real painful bummer for me, too. Perhaps, you and i could meet, as two "giant men in dresses", and just laugh it off!

[NicoleScott]

I'm wondering why you feel as you do. Religious upbringing? Strict binary sex/gender upbringing? Many CDers here have said that they wish they weren't CDers, but they make the best of the cards they were dealt. Why do you have trouble accepting this internal drive?

[Amanda22]

Do we get to decide with which genes and body we start our life? No.. this is the hand we're dealt with.. and given the circumstances... ANY hand can win the game!

I love this! Every single person I've ever known, cross dresser or not, has something in their life they must deal with and would rather it not be there. I would rather not be transgendered, but it isn't something I can make go away. Obviously, we each make a choice on dealing with cross dressing and/or being transgendered. I don't see what's wrong with looking at the positive side of things like Tony Robbins, or the other positive-sounding sources mentioned in this thread. People can use whatever tools and techniques result in happiness and fulfillment. Life is what you make of it and your happiness is up to you; it isn't something that "happens" to you out of the blue. And again, that goes for everyone, not just the gender-challenged. If that's too "butterflies and sunshine" for some, then fine, keep sulking. People on this forum are far and away just trying to help, and it's sad when it's viewed negatively.

[LilSissyStevie]

The trouble with self-loathing or high self-esteem as a CD is that in both cases you take yourself too seriously. Crossdressing is, at best, ridiculous and none of us are above ridiculousness. Learn to laugh at yourself and move on. It's always better to err a little on the side of self-loathing, IMO. No progress can be made if everything is just wonderful.

[Michelle Charles]

Hi Rachel, I feel something of what you feel. I am way overweight and don't pass, but I love getting dolled up. I have found ways to proveide dressing relief or vents so to speak, where it meets the needs I feel is a substantial enough way to be satisfied. Knowing all life has limits in many ways, find some happiness in the girl time you do have, then revert without shedding a tear, knowing life goes on as a male. Sounds like you are looking for some type of balance in all this. I agree with you, it is not PInk Fog all the time, I many times want a bit more, but have found ways to be satisfies where I am! Maybe start with your wife, just be the best girlfriend a wife ever had!!

[Alice Torn]

Little Sissy Stevie, You hit it, a home run! My problem, and everyone in my family's problem, is no healthy humor, and always taking ourselves EXTREMELY seriously! I am my own WORST enemy, as are some others on here, and i suppose everyone in the human race. If I, and some of us on here can let go, and just have fun, and be humorous about our dressing, we would be better off. Of course, there may be genetic depression like i have, brain disorders, with chemistry, and another thing, is being mistreated or abused in childhood, and later in life. My alcoholic, morose, anti social, people hating self centered father, was beaten up by a priest, and had a harsh father, and a smothering mother. He never wanted me, as i was the last kid, and unexpected. I learned to survive, not to talk, trust, or feel, and be shut down. These type of things affect a man all his life, and makes it very difficult to have a healthy sense of self, and sense of humor. Heaven help us to learn to laugh at ourselves. One time i was out, years ago, I went to a dollar store, then a grocery store, and opened up to the girls working there, laughing at myself, releasing the pressure.

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

Ummm.... Am I the only one who can't get my brain around why anyone would intentionally do something that they don't actually like?

Especially when it creates such emotional negativity? If I thought I liked something, tried and didn't like it (for whatever reason), that's it. No reason to ever do it again. If I start thinking about it again (not likely), I would remind myself how much I didn't like it last time.

If one does not have the capacity to make this decision, there's definitely something wrong going on with how or why the decisions are being made in the first place.

[julie marie1]

Why reject who you are? I spent many years feeling there was something wrong with me because I like to dress in women's clothing. It is true that if people knew this side of myself they would likely be shocked and respond accordingly. Right now, dressed in a nicely fitting black dress with pearls and makeup I feel good. However, if I was dressed in a way where clearly I was a man in women's clothing I might feel negative about the experience.

[Alice Torn]

Tracy, There have been quite a number of men on here, over the years i have ben on, that have a "love-hate" relationship with crossdressing, lots of conflict. Not all on here do, for sure.

[Tanya+]

i am guessing there are plenty of women, through age, body-shape or masculine-featured, who experience the same self loathing for not measuring up to their gold standard. Being a big masculine guy puts you far from how you 'should' be. For me i had to marry the reality of my male shape, to the reality of my need desire. Vipassana meditation and some other Buddhist meditation retreats eventually gave me enough self understanding to stop hating myself. But the next thing i needed was someone else who could love me. When i found her and she loved my most shameful parts i cried my guts out. SoYou have found someone who loves you and dearly hopes you will find the skills to love yourself. So Vipassana meditation is my suggestion. It is a process not a miracle. I got there because my self loathing was intolerable, and i didn't want it to be fatal.

[bimini1]

This can be a mutha when you realize all the world is against you. Everyone in all your relationships would turn on you if they knew. There is just no place in the real world for it. The weight of that very thought can drive you into a constant battle of the mind. Some days I win the battle some days I lose. You want to dress but you've been programmed your whole life against it.

Your mind can carry you into some deep emotional turmoil. The act itself seems somehow irrational, and how you've come to feel about it even more of the insanity.
It will frazzle your nerves if you let it. I do ok most of the time but sooner or later I head for a meltdown. But they are further and fewer between.

Why do something that makes you feel bad? That's what my mom used to say. There is some truth in it but........you can never get enough of what you don't really want.
Insanity.

[DebbieL]

I don not share the enthusiasm that many here express nor do I intend to unwind any progress many have made towards self acceptance and the like. I don't accept this part of myself, in fact I wholly reject it.

There are two possibilities. One is that you are a "troll", trying to stir up a knee jerk reaction by sharing things you know will be upsetting".
The other, which I'm far more concerned about is that you may be a hard core transsexual who is on the verge of a crisis.

These impulses and needs of mine have isolated me from a world which simply has zero space for a giant man emasculating himself, parading himself around presenting himself to be something he is not nor ever will be.

I know this feeling way too well. Until I was 11, I didn't have testes. I really hoped that I could still be a girl, that the teeny weeny was just a mistake and it would go away, or the doctor would just cut it off and let me be a girl. Then I they dropped, I grew hair, I got big and tall, I hot a bass voice. I hated myself so much I wanted to kill myself, and tried on a regular basis.

What made the matter even worse, my therapists refused to talk to me about the gender dysphoria. Which made me hate and mistrust the therapy community even more. At one point I had swallowed 1/4 lb of ground glass, didn't tell anyone for 4 days, then finally talked to my therapists about it. They were thinking about locking me up. When they asked me what was going through my mind when I did this, especially when I didn't tell anyone, I told them I wanted to be a girl, and death seemed the only remaining option left. They told me "we can't talk about that, we're not allowed".

You post sounds like a SCREAM for help, and I can't advise you strongly enough to speak to a professional therapist who has a good knowledge of gender dysphoria issues.
If necessary, go to the nearest LGBT center and get the names of the therapists from them. You should do it before the end of the week.

I am saturated in shame and if one more person recylcles the same tired tropes of Tony Robbins TED Talk love myself, know myself, psycho-academic nonsense I will barf. I hate this shit. I am not inspired, I am not a special flower who expresses myself in perfectly natural ways. I am alone but safe.

Right now, trite self-help psychobabble and platitudes would be like putting a band-aid on a severed limb. You might even consider calling the Laura's Playground help line this week-end. I won't even tell you some of the things I did the last time I started thinking like you are now, because I don't want to give you any ideas or inspirations. My doctor threatened to call the police unless I checked into the local hospital immediately.

I'll also send you a PM with some resources.

[CherylFlint]

It's not like, you know, a choice.
So be nice to yourself: make the best of it.
Relax. Have a good time.
Have fun.
You think it's easy being a CD? Anything but: just deal with the hand you're dealt with, and do the best you can, it's all any of us can do.
Keep a positive outlook.