What do I do?

[Tina B.]

For some it's easy, which is most important to your life, dressing, or a wife. Sounds simple doesn't it? But I guess it really depends on why you dress, and how you feel about dressing. I lived for a few years keeping it all bottled up inside. but not dressing just doesn't work for me. I become severely depressed, and filled with what can become uncontrollable anger. It's like having road rage full time.
Suicide, or murder, neither one seemed like much of an option to me.
I finally reached a point that I had to sit the wife down and just tell her, this is who I am, either you need to accept me for who I am, or let me go, because I can't live without it, so you need to live with it, or find a better man, because that just isn't who I am.
I spent 30 years wishing I wasn't a cross dresser, but I am, I don't like me when I don't dress, I don't like the world when I don't dress, and I won't live a life of misery trying to be something I not just to please anyone.
I got lucky, and she stayed, and learned to love having a CD in the house, but it took time for us to get used to it, but then it's worked out pretty good for the last 40 years.
They say, if momma's not happy, no one is happy, well it's also true of papa. It life is dragging you down because you have to deny yourself your true identity, your wasting your time and hers.
Remember, some times education will not win over basic beliefs no matter how hard you try, and all you can do is try.
I don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but many of us here have been there, lost a marriage and survived, and sometimes, life is better the second time around.

[Jodi]

What to do? Get a really good lawyer right now because you're going to need one.

Jodi

[Jackie F]

All I can say is I am living your life and feel your pain. My wife knows and refuses to acknowledge anything to do with Jackie.
Like you I love my wife. although I will not hide from her I do not dress unless I know she is out of the house for a while.
Tonight I sit here all dolled up in a pink dress and can't remember the last time I was able to do this.
I pray for you and your wife and wish you peace.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm in a similar situation. I also had my CDing discovered rather than disclosed. My wife had a hissy fit, and left the house for most of the day. When she came back, she told me I needed to "get fixed". She said I should talk to our minister and get his recommendation for a counselor. To make a long story short, the minister told my wife that I wasn't broken, and didn't need to get fixed. We did have several rounds of counseling in the last 7 years, but we're still married.

I suggest joint counseling. Maybe you'll find someone who can convince her that you're not a freak, faggot or whatever names she called you. You might even get someone who can convince her that not only is is not bad, but there is no cure for it.

You might have a chance to get her to move from despise or intolerant to tolerant or accepting. Then you both might be able to go about a DADT relationship. However, if she wants more or you want more (e.g., embracing), one of you is going to have to give something up, and that is the marriage.

So only you can decide whether you are better off with marriage without crossdressing or crossdressing without marriage (i.e., wife). If it comes to the latter, you might onsider a trial separation as a test.

I know a lot of CD/TS girls in this situation, and it's gone either way. In fact, I know a handful of couples where "he" is on hormones, has gone full time or has had the procedure and are still happily married. I also know others who are divorced.

A friend who is on the divorce track is summarizing her story here;

http://youcancallmemeg.blogspot.com/...roduction.html

BTW, I am at the tipping point. While I have no plans to walk out, if I am kicked out, I will go peacefully.

[CherylFlint]

I showed your post to my SO and her response was that your wife needs to “Get a grip on it”.
My wife can’t understand what the hang-up is for your wife. She says it’s fun having a husband to “dress-up”, and that’s exactly what she does to me, so much so, in fact, that I “pass”. We go out as girl-girl or husband and wife. She decides, matter-of-fact, what she wants me to wear. My SO has fun and I have fun, too bad your wife can’t “get-on-board”.
It’s up to your wife at this point. She can go-with-the-flow or not.
I wish you the very best, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for your wife to come around any time soon, if at all.
But Lynda has a point, too, although there are women out there who have no problems whatsoever with their man “dressing”, I know, because I’m married to one.
But looking back on the mess you created, your wife is 100% correct: YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD HER.

[Tamara Segunda]

I thought Tina B's post was both compassionate and insightful, but I also thought that Sometimes Steffi's comment that "I also had my CDing discovered rather than disclosed," was very telling.

When you hide the whole process, and then get caught in the act, of COURSE your wife flips out. At the very least she feels that she's been lied to and betrayed -- and from your post, it sounds like that's happened several times in the same way. If you make it clear to her that you don't want to hurt her, but that this is a compulsion that you simply cannot deny and that you WILL do again, she may still react with hostility, but at least she won't see you as a liar. I also strongly agree with those who have recommended joint counseling; just be sure you choose a therapist who is aware of and sensitive to these issues. Best wishes to both of you.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I thought Tina B's post was both compassionate and insightful, but I also thought that Sometimes Steffi's comment that "I also had my CDing discovered rather than disclosed," was very telling.

I thought I could stop when I got married, but you know how that went. I am guessing that my marriage is either over, or completely destroyed.

I agree with Jenna

In my defense, and quite honestly, the last hurdle I had, before asking my future wife to marry me, was whether my crossdressing would be cured by marriage or not. In 1978, there was no way for me to figure that out. I thought I was the only crossdresser in the world. Since at the time, crossdressing was an alternate means of arousal, I thought I'd grow out of it after marriage because I'd have as much sex as I could handle. I was wrong on both counts.

I was probably married 30 years before I understood it enough myself to have an intelligent conversation with my wife about it.

[Contessa]

Yes by all means try counseling and therapy. They will help but if you know Jenna isn't going anywhere and you can't put and leave her in a bag. Then tell your wife you will use the basement and she shouldn't come there while you are there. You can maybe use a side door to go out. So she can't see you leave and return. Eventually you may have to leave and or your wife will. I only say this if Jenna isn't going away. Wendy's words are very settling about weak and strong marriages. I wish you only the best.

Tess

[Ally 2112]

I do feel very bad for you but as most of know this does not go away .If you go to counseling only because she or you thinks it can be fixed you may be in for an unpleasent surprise .My x wife and i went to a few differnt counselers together and me by myself .We were both hoping for answers to fix our problem she thought i could be cured and i hoped for acceptance in the end we split up .I hope this does not happen and you can work it out .Always be prepared that it might not work i do hope for the best for you

[cindychan]

Sorry your going through a hard time. It's difficult but why would you love someone that demonizes you and calls you names?

[MelanieAnne]

Divorce is traumatic and stressful. But you only get one life. Don't waste it!

[CarlaWestin]

Well, Jenna. First of all, please consider that the writings here are anonymous and contributed without any consolation. There is some good advice here and some good examples of what a lot of us have endured. I don't want to suggest anything because I'm not close to your situation. Also, my point of view is hard tempered due to my age and accomplishments. My first wife, the mother of my Daughter, I loved dearly. I thought I was screwed up and tried therapy to make me the man that fit in the Ken or GI Joe box. I ended therapy when I realized that I also fit in the Barbie box. I really appreciated the broader gender spectrum but, wife 1 was intolerant. So, I became a wonderful remote Father. X only wanted a free ride in life anyway. Tweener, the one between marriages, was way more accepting but, unfortunately a little on the psychotic side. Always threatened to tell everyone when she was drunk. Current wife, open minded and curious at first but, kinky could never include gender dancing. Kept it mostly closeted, with her finding some of my stuff and me lying and saying I forgot I had hid things and I'd throw it away. Until about a year and a half ago. I just couldn't keep it hidden and steal moments anymore. There just wasn't any prospect of happiness if I was just pretending to be uber male all the time. So I just told her that I was a lifelong crossdresser and would always be one. It wasn't easy but, I was finally 100% truthful in my life. Then I was treated to all the mean and nasty attacks and threats and nonsense. It was quite the display of phoney BS control. We don't have children and I simply stated that I had started from nothing in the past many times and would do whatever I needed to move forward, with or without her. So it all boils down to an agreement between two adults. We are at, DADT and IDWTSI. And, when she said, "Don't you dare embarrass me with any friends or neighbors!" I said, "Well, that goes for you, too!"

With relationships, I'm three for three on the not totally accepting or not at all scoreboard. I did have a brief time that I lived by myself and didn't have to work. Some of the single members here will tell you how lonely that can be. My wife is truly my soulmate and my main focus in life. And although she doesn't like it, I think she sees how my gender skating keeps me centered.

Good luck to you.

[KiwiKate]

It's not an uncommon reaction.My wife used to get very angry when she knew I had been dressing but after a long time is slowly coming around.Don't do anything rash.Maybe hold off with the dressing up for awhile and let your wife calm down.I don't think you need to decide just yet wether to stop dressing all together or if your marriage is over.I know it will be hard but just try and relax and see what happens.These things sometimes take a lot of time and she may yet come around to a certain degree.Best of luck.

[donnalee]

The one thing I see here is that you are letting your wife stomp on you and are, in fact, enabling her choice of violent outbursts as a way of responding to your dressing. Before you can get her to accept you as you are, you first must accept yourself and refuse to be bullied. The vows say "for better or worse" not "until I decide I don't like something". At least she understands that dressing is integral to your being on some level, even though she may have used it as an expression of disgust; that may be something to build on.
I realize that you don't want to cause distress to someone you love, but she is abusing you with her behavior and needs to realize it and that you won't stand for it. I suspect she has done this before in order to get her way in other things and it has become a bad habit.
I am not in your situation, of course; you have to deal with it yourself, but I hope you will give some consideration to what I've written and that both of you find a new and better understanding after you weather this conflict.

[il.dso]

Very sorry to read about your situation.
Sounds completely stressful and overwhelming.
I can't offer any specific advice but hope that you find some comfort and support from those of out here in cyberspace who are dealing with the same issues.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Lots of advice already so just a little from my experience over the last 2 1/2 years. Might seem a bit different to your situation but there are very strong parallels.

I came out to my 3rd wife when CDing returned with a vengeance after a 3 1/2 year gap from the start of our relationship. It went very badly, she said dressing was abhorrant. When I said it was here to stay and I couldn't stop she threatened suicide, and went to bed for 36 hours distraught. Like your's a tough situation. I decided to go to a psychologist with gender experience. What she said may help you:

(1) There is nothing wrong with me and nothing to fix. This was important for me to hear from an expert. She did say that she could fix my wife though.
(2) Her threat of suicide is her trump card to get me to stop CDing. Once she's played that card there isn't a higher one.

Your wife's 'card' is different; she insults you. But you've always responded how she wants you to respond so it is all she needs to do to keep you in line. She has never had to face a hard choice.

Like you, my reaction to my wife was her love was conditional. It took me over 6 months to move past that. During that time I continued to dress and several times the fact I dressed was discovered (once, I was cleaning a large pair of female shoes). The severity of her reaction decreased each time. Nowadays we have a DADT arrangement that works quite wonderfully for us both.

I hope that something from my past will help you.

[Donna St. Marten]

I think you need to pull the plug and give a whole lot of thought to what you want to be. I have seen your FlickR site and it appears that you may have some other issues. You can't go on with this secretive life and expect our marriage to survive.

[Rhanda]

It looks to me that she is trying to catch you and thinks that this will stop you because you can't trust her to be doing what she indicates she is going to do. Example: She was supposed to be gone for several hours and suddenly showed up when you were about to get dressed. That means that she is trying to have a confrontation with you. Ask haer what her motive is. She will then be on the defensive and you will finally be able to have a calm discussion. No charge. LOL

Rhanda

[Annaliese]

Jenna my heart goes out to you, as you know you can't stop, it is who you are, even if you could stop dressing, the wanting to dress will not, and you would be sad and depressed, and not the man your wife married. Even to the point of being mean and hard to get along with. There are a lot of thing couples should tell before they get married, most of us were in our early 20 and have no Idea what is in store for us.
She know it will not go away now, so it up to her now, write her a heart felt letter telling her why you did not tell when you first got together. Ask her what she want, with in reason, that it not going to stop. That the name calling has to stop, you are still the man she married, kind and compassionate. It is really up to her now. Good luck and keep us here posted, we care and love you for who you are. Hugs

[Maria 60]

I don't know you and your wife enough to really make a comment because I don't really know how your relationship is, but I will say this. If the relationship is strong and the both of you really want to be with each other, till death do you part, then i am sure you can talk about it rationally and find a happy medium, kind of a win win situation, both making a sacrifice for each other. When my wife asked me if she didn't accept m y dressing what would have happened.i told her we wouldn't have been together much longer. Talk it out and if there is love and caring for each other's feeling you will both win. Good luck and hope it all works out.

[DonnaT]

My wife wasn't that bad, however, sometimes she didn't care, and other times, she couldn't stand it.

Over the first 30 years, she continued to flip-flop on her feeling, or more likely, how she hid her feelings, and occasionally threatened divorce. I was getting tired of it, and vowed to myself if she brought up the D word again, so be it.

On the day of our 30th anniversary, out of nowhere, she again mentioned divorce. Being tired of the threats, I told her if that was her choice, so be it, but I would still love her as I have always loved her. But if she need to leave, I wouldn't stop her. (note I didn't suggest I would leave) I told her that after 30 years, she knows good and well that I can't stop, as I've tried it and it never lasted long.

Anyway, she was flabbergasted I wasn't putting up a fight for the marriage. She left.

A few hours later she came back and we talked some more, and we are still together, 9 yrs later. And she's not argued about my dressing in those 9 yrs.

I got lucky. Your mileage may vary (YMMV).

[MelanieAnne]

Here are your choices. The ongoing stress of hiding your dressing and putting up with your wifes tantrums and suprising you. Or the temporary stress of a divorce, and the freedom to dress whenever you wish.

[Dianne S]

Telling me that it is over and this is the last straw.

If your wife said that to you, then say: "Fine. When are you moving out?"

Harsh as it is to say this, a lot of people make these threats as a form of abuse when they don't have any intention of following through. If you call your wife's bluff, she'll either follow through in which case you'll split up, or admit she was bluffing in which case you can tell her to quit threatening and work with you to fix your marriage.

Full disclosure: I am probably a bad person to offer advice if you want to save your marriage, since I recently left my wife (only partly because of transgender issues) and I am discovering that I feel much happier now and that I probably should have left my rather toxic marriage years ago.

[Jill Devine]

I'm very sorry for your situation. I've been very close to divorce in the past (unrelated to CDing) so I know the pain. There are no words to describe the feeling of a long term marriage on breaking point.

Yes try counseling but heed the advice of what the agreed goal is. What will the AGREED goal for therapy be? You will want her acceptance and she will want you "fixed". Also know that all counselors are human and biased.

Only thing that really bothers me is that your wife is verbally abusive. She might think you have a problem but ask her if being verbally abusive is ok and normal in her world?

[suzanne]

What Kate said "decide what is more important to you, your marriage or your dressing", it true, but there is another dimension that needs to be pointed out. The SO who delivers this type of "my way or the highway" ultimatum is showing you a deep lack of respect by suggesting your femme side has no value.

My working definition of respect is this: the recognition that a person, thing, idea, etc, has value, regardless of whether or not that value is understood. A wife who delivers "the ultimatum" does not respect you, and probably doesn't love you, because a love that's conditional is not really love. Jenna, does your wife REALLY love and respect you?