What do I do?

[JennaDesire]

Here I am again...another post about the situation at home. Except now, it has got to the point where decisions need to be made. I have been dressing my whole life. There is no stopping it. I must have purged 50+ times. I am married 20 years and have 3 children. I have been confronted by my wife time and time again about it, as she absolutely wants it to stop. Lets just say I cannot believe that she is still with me. few years ago, she found my "stash" and went crazy. Calling me a faggot, queer, animal and the best one...freak! Somehow we got through it and our marriage continued with some great times and some bad times. I continued dressing. As most of you know, there is no stopping. I have a flickr page that has over 3800 followers and 4,000,000 views. I love the way I look and feel when I am Jenna. If you look at some of my previous posts, you will see the struggles that I am going through keeping Jenna locked away. In any event, let me get to the present day. One day at the end of June, I had the house to myself. I was all set to have 4 or 5 hours as Jenna. For those that have to hide their gurlie side, you know 5 hours is amazing! I had my stuff hidden in the basement, but was starting to take it out. I had just finished showering and I hear somebody coming down the stairs. It was my wife. She knew right away what I was up to and lost it. Telling me that it is over and this is the last straw. I have to be honest, I was humiliated and thought that this would get me to stop dressing. After a few weeks, we mad peace with each other, and had a nice few months. The other day, the urges started coming back big time. I spent a few hours after work buying makeup, new lingerie, wigs and shoes. I was so happy, but cautious. I came home, and when I thought everybody was in bed, I went in the basement to start trying everything on. Right in the middle of it, my wife comes down and I ran into the bathroom. "What are you doing?" she asked. But she knew. I could not come out and face her. I stayed in the bathroom and got changed into my regular clothes. She would not go back upstairs and it was getting bad. I could go on forever, but now she is telling me that she knows it is a part of me, but she wants nothing to do with it. She wants a real man, and does not want me. The name calling again...freak and so on. She told me that I should have told her before we were married. I thought I could stop when I got married, but you know how that went. I am guessing that my marriage is either over, or completely destroyed. But the worst part about it is the woman that I love more than anything in the world hates me and is disgusted by me. Can anybody share some story with me or give me some advice as to how this is going to end up?
Thank you.

[Kris Avery]

I wish I had some great advice that will fix everything.
Communication is key.
Give much more than you take from your best friend.
Mutual respect has to be earned both ways.
A strong marriage can weather almost anything.
A weak marriage can weather ...almost nothing.

All of this said, I recommend communication, dedicated set aside time that is limited to work through concerns.

I hope this helps.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenna, It sounds like she's never going to change, so the ball is in your court now
You have two choices, quit or move on.

[Melissa_Rose]

Have you tried to really explain why you are as you are. Why you have the needs you have?
Her reaction of non acceptance is one thing, but to be hurtful and spiteful carries her reaction to a different level.
I wish you the best. Talk to her. Try to avoid hiding things fro. Here ( which is different from keeping things out of sight!)

Good luck

[Kate Simmons]

Just one thing. As painful as it may seem, you are going to have to decide what is more important to you, your marriage or your dressing and take it from there.

[Maria Blackwood]

I'd kind of like to ask her where "animal" comes from. WTF?

[Megan b]

Jenna, my heart go out to you. I'm so sorry for the awful spot you and your wife are in. Your post hits close to home for me. I could have wrote most the same things you said. One of your statements that hit so close to me was being hated by the one you love. This did not end well for me, 22 years of marriage came to an end. I knew this was part of me so I did not lie to her. If I had maybe I could have limped another year or so out of the marriage. This is the most difficult situation I have ever lived through. I had a friend tell something that I think is true and I'll share it with you. You can't make someone love you. I sure tried. You can make someone dislike you, fear you and hate you but you can not make someone love you. This is not exactly something I wanted to hear but I think it's true. Maybe it's not to late for you and your wife. Try some counseling if you can get her to go. I tried it. I had too because I loved my (ex)wife. It still didn't work out but I had to try and I,m not sorry for trying. Hang in there. I'm sorry for this not being a cheerful post.

[Christen]

Jenna, I don't really feel like I'm in a position to give advice ... but, I'll say this. First make peace with yourself, be honest about who you are and come to terms with it. Then, then you can start being honest with at the least the people you love. If they accept the true, honest you, that's wonderful. If they don't, then probably that's their loss. But a life lived in fear, isn't a life very well lived.

Christen x

[MelanieAnne]

I'd kind of like to ask her where "animal" comes from. WTF?

That, and "freak" too.
First, you need to decide where your crossdressing is coming from. Are you really transgender? Are you homosexual? Or are you heterosexual, as most crossdressers are. Crossdressing can be framed in many ways. Do you really want to be a woman? Or are you, like many men, simply fascinated by all things fem? You should explain to your wife, that 95% of crossdressers are heterosexual. Try and educate her on the subject. Explain to her that you are simply fascinated by womens clothes, and how they feel. Explain that it is much more common than most people know. Explain that you aren't gay. With 20 years invested, you probably want to save the marriage. She sounds somewhat intractable and hysterical, but you should try and have a calm discussion of the subject.

[Janine cd]

Jenna, I've been through much of the same thing that you are experiencing. After 50 years of marriage, I have been able to survive only by setting up very careful rules. Since my wife cannot tolerate seeing me dressed, we have an agreement that I only dress when she is away. This means that my dressing time is limited to the times that she is away visiting her relatives or going shopping to Chicago. That gives me the opportunity to dress about once a month. Not a great situation, but it has saved our marriage.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi. I wish I could give you some magical advice that could save the day... But that is fantasy land.

What can I suggest? Maybe that somehow she gets educated on the topic. Most recent theories indicate that for whatever reason we are born this way, and it is not a choice for us to have these feelings. Regardless of what you consider yourself to be, TG, CD, or just a guy who likes fem items, you are no more a freak or an animal than someone who was born left handed. True we are a small percent of the population, but so are those who are born with a rare blood type. Different than others? Sure? Unusual frommost others? Yup. But not wrong.

To me, she, like many other SOs, appears to be afraid of the unknown. Different can be scary. The only way to deal with fear is with an education. Unfortunately she can only be encouraged to learn and not forced. To learn one needs to give, time, effort, energy, persistence, and dedication. You can help teach by helping to encourage she does those five things.

Good luck sweetie!

[Beverley Sims]

There is some harsh advice here but it is unfortunately sound advice also.

I would try joint counseling as a last resort.
There is no sense for both of you to go to lawyers and let them take all your life savings.

[charlenesomeone]

I'm with Beverly on this, will she go to joint counseling? If not the advice here is
good, but in the end the decision will be between you and what way you go. Your
SO will have to decide as well. Wishing you the best, know that sounds trite, but
hope you are happy either way it goes.

[Sissyboy2]

I have a feeling that when you say things are better you mean that you hide the emotions under the rug and pretend everything is ok. Like others have said how you have two options to change the way you live or end the marriage. Well CD is always going to be a part of you, You might be able to supress it for a few months or years but it will come back. When you do supress it you won't truely be as happy as you can. I wouldn't end the marriage but tell in a firm voice "if you can't accept me for what clothes I wear or who I am, then maybe this just won't work out" it will be hard to say that and by you being the person in charge and saying if you can't accept me than I am going to leave you. Maybe if she sees you threaten to leave she might be willing for some commpromises. Maybe there is a way you can enter a DADT kind of a thing where you can have your privacy and tell her when a certain time of the week where you need some girl time and she would know to leave you alone.

[Tiffany Jane]

Jenna, the trials and tribulations of marriage are fought with love, communication, understanding, trust, and support. The same qualities that seem to be so second natured when everything is going well. It is in times of change, stress, despair, or trouble we have to dig deep and put our emotions aside and evaluate these qualities to determine if they can outweigh the emotion.

Your wife has been married to you for twenty years and although she has blown a fuse time to time, she is still there. Maybe she is afraid to leave, maybe she feels the hiding is leaving her feel that you can't confide your feelings in her/or she just can't open her heart to your feelings as to why you do this. The name calling is neither helpful or supportive, but it sounds like she is trying to reach the man she sees in her mind to take inventory of the situation and make a decision. IMO, she is trying to verbally bully you into change.

There are no one size fix all answers, but communication is key. Can you ask for time to yourself to be Jenna or is that not possible. Hiding her only makes your wife upset, you on edge, and builds a wall for progress. It appears she is aware that when she leaves for extended time, you are someone else and she is goating you into scenarios where she can catch you, or is left to feel untrusting of what you are doing when she is not around.

[lynda]

hi jenna , my sitauation is different. but hear me out.i was marreid for 38 years in dadt marrege,my would not even discuss it, she was so turned off by it..she wanted her man her way and i tried to go along with it.i always wanted to dress a lot more.well, my wife passed away 6 months ago. so i wanted to dress now i got my wish ,now i dress all the time im real girly now. but let me tell you i would trade in all the cloths just to be with my wife for one more hour .you may like cloths but you cant hug them you cant feel there body next to you.so im not gonna tell what you should do .but jenna be careful what you wish for,because you might just get it. hugs love lynda

[kimdl93]

You have repeated theses episodes enough time to know the scrip by heart and each of you plays their part without variation. She rants and rails and you act contrite. My guess is that these behaviors affect other aspects of your marriage too. This pattern solves nothing.

It seems to me that you both need to seek objective, informed, professional counseling. She may not be willing. She may be to rigid to learn, but at the very least the therapist can try to teach the two of you how to communicate by adults.

[SamanthaSometimes]

But the worst part about it is the woman that I love more than anything in the world hates me and is disgusted by me.:

This is one of the hardest pills to swallow especially when it is substantiated and punctuated with hurtful name calling. I am in a very similar situation but somehow my wife and I remain together in a strained DADT relationship after more than 35 years of marriage and about 11 months into her knowing I'm a CDer. Knowing some people say things they don't mean when they are very angry, or later regret, helps me blunt the pain her words invoke. It is easy to believe the worst scenario is the only eventual outcome when strong emotions such as anger and depression are in play. Let some time pass without confrontation – even the silent, Cold War treatment is a better alternative to frontal confrontation to let things settle down. Then, after the Winds of War have blown past, try sharing honest feelings in a mature and rational conversation. The discussion in that conversation will be a much better indicator of your future together than the emotional state you are most likely in now.

[NicoleScott]

Before you go to joint counseling, agree on the objective. My first wife and I didn't, and it turned out to be a waste of time and money. Here's why: she went with the expectation that I could be "cured", and I went with the expectation of getting her acceptance. Both of us, it seems, were relying on the counselors (husband and wife team) to side with each of us and convincing the other that "I'm right, you're wrong". We divorced.
Sometimes a good divorce is better than a bad marriage.

[Katey888]

Jenna - like others here, I do feel for you too... It's a rough situation to be in...

I don't think anyone can offer advice or a prediction of what the outcome will be, but I think one can say for sure that if neither of you changes what you are doing and the way you react presently, the same thing will continue to happen ad nauseum... sorry, but neither of you are budging from your entrenched positions here, and that's a recipe for repetitive dysfunctionality, imho...

The best advice I think is joint counselling... if one or other of you are unwilling, that tells a story... After a few sessions you'll quickly come to a point at which you'll understand if there is a benefit in continuing. I have to say, from what you describe, your wife is not showing the signs that 'education' will be the solution - I hope that isn't so... but... probably hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Good luck!

Katey x

[Dana3]

I would suggest a multi-prong approach. Counseling? Yes. But finding the correct counselor for the particular issue at hand? One for the gender related issues ~ both individually AND you AND as a couple. And then one for marriage counseling both individually and as a couple. Keep the issues separate and don't look for a one-fits all. You may have to shop around, get some referrals etc to find the correct one(s). Doubtful that you will find one that is well versed in any and all issues involved ~ and there could possibly be more issues that lay beneath the surface.

The next thing I would suggest would be to begin to educate yourself, about any and all aspects of marriage, through reading. A couple of really good books that I would highly recommend are"

"You Just Don't Understand" and "GenderSpeak" about the differences in the way men and women communicate.

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" ~ a really good book about exploring the differences in men's and women's perspectives.

"Divorce Busting" ~ enough said ~ outstanding with accompaing web sight (Goggle it)

And last? "His Needs and Her Needs" most outstanding with worksheets, and as I recall a work book that goes with it in helping to break down each others needs on many different areas, such as intimacy (non-sexual) financial, security, etc.

[Teresa]

Jenna,
Basically your wife has one box you fit in and that is the man box ! I just don't think she is going to look or accept anything outside that box !
We know she is being inconsiderate not allowing you any Jenna time at all, all she wants is her man full time !
The options I'm afraid are simple ones for you, be the husband and father she wants or be prepared to call it a day with your marriage ! Joint therapy may help but it's always going to be a compromise for you !
Walking away from a marriage and children is tough simply to want to CD, so make sure that's all you want to do, if there's more to your CDing be honest to yourself and go with it !

[Dana3]

Agreed its NOT going to go away, no matter what you do, try seek to prevent it, in that it WILL manifest in some shape, form or fashion, up to and including in a negative manner. As I have experienced it can and will force itself to the top, and will manifest itself in potentially negative ways such as moodiness, grouchiness, self medication (to deaden the desire)

At best you can seek out ways and means of coping with it, preferably in a positive manner and with a positive outcome? That is beneficial for you as the individual, she as an individual, and for the "US" that makes you a couple.

Contrary to the current popular conscious is in Western culture, society and religion? Cross dressing isn't the automatic deal breaker, nor such a terrible thing that watching the media would have some believe. Nor does it make you less of anything? Of anything it makes you more of a human being ~ a total and complete human being. Just because someone cross dresses DOES NOT make the same a Bad Person!

[Claire Cook]

Jenna, This is so difficult. I've read your post several times, as well as your previous ones. Your wife sounds quite inflexible, and appears to have been that way for some time. By the same token it sounds as though CD'ing / TG is something you cannot do without. I don't know if counseling will help, but others have given their suggestions here. I lean toward Teresa's last comment. Is CD'ing / TG more important than holding your marriage together? I wish I had some answer, but I don't. Perhaps the bottom line is -- what will ultimately make YOU happy?

[Krisi]

You have a choice to make - your wife and family or your crossdressing. Dressing in the basement when you thought everyone was asleep was pretty dumb. Even dressing when people are supposed to be away will eventually get you caught. I got caught.

Again, you have a choice. It's up to you - which do you want the most?

If you choose your wife and family, offer to go to a shrink to find out why you want to crossdress so badly.