This weekend was supposed to be fun...
Friday night I 'frocked up', dialled up Amanda and we had a great time chatting until the wee hours, only stopping because she had a six hour drive later that morning. (OK so six hours is little more that a morning commute in her neck of the woods but...) We talked, we laughed, we sold every problem in the world and life was good, I was feeling good and I was even (IMHO) looking good!!!
Saturday night was the regular monthly group meeting, something I really look forward to and enjoy. 3:30 and I'm in the shower, plenty of time to ensure the best results are achieved, nothing to be rushed, everything to be done to the best of my abilities... Dinner was in the oven with the eldest son all set to finalise the meal after I left. The SO was all set for her night shift at work... An hour later and I'm laying out the final choices of 'ensemble' decided upon... Skinny jeans, boots and sweater dress - maybe... Denim skirt, low cut t-shirt and cardi - mmmm possibly!!! Maxi dress, heels and shrug - nice....
But the more I thought about it, the more I tried to decide what to wear, the stronger the feelings grew, feelings of WFT am I doing! This is not right!!! This is not me!!! For some reason I decided to fight this thing again (against the direct instructions of my psych / counsellor.)
So I'm sitting here now in drab. It's well past the start of the meeting, clothing decisions for the evening screwed up and thrown in the bottom of the wardrobe and enough wine consumed to ensure I'm not driving anywhere... I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm going to get drunk and I know I should not be fighting but still I do... (Rushing to finish the wine coz last time I felt like this most of a good bottle of 08 Cab Merlot was flung across the room!!)
I know the mind set I get into is wrong, but I can't seem to stop once the slide downwards commences... Why is it that the more fun I have 'en femme', the more I resent it and feel the need to fight back? Oh well, back to the psych I go.
Definitely sucks to be me...
Donna
P.S.
I only hope I can still channel these emotions tomorrow... I have a fence to rip down and I'm sure the way I feel no power tools will be required.